How Do I Process Almost Losing My Daughter?

[MummOf5]

Hey!

I don't know how to start the process of healing following the worst week of my life sitting next to my 8 year old daughter's bed in ICU?

My daughter woke up feeling unwell last Monday morning so i left her in bed to rest and my 18 year old daughter stayed home with her while I dropped my 2 youngest boys to school and nursery.

I checked on her when I got back and she said she couldn't breathe. She sounded very wheezy so I put her in the car and took her to my local urgent treatment centre. Luckily we didn't wait long before being seen. The triage nurse checked her oxygen levels and immediately took us to a doctor in another room. She was put on oxygen and an ambulance was called.

We arrived at our nearest A&E department and she spent the next 12-13 hours in resus being treated. They were giving her 100% oxygen through a mask, she had cannulas inserted into both arms to administer medications.

She wasn't improving. The doctors had been liasing with the PICU at the Evelina Children's Hospital in London for several hours prior and they made the decision to intubate my daughter and a team would be sent from London to pick us up and take her to their hospital asap.

The experience of being taken to intensive care and being told your child has to be sedated and intubated is terrifying! I couldn't quite believe it was happening to MY child.

After what felt like a lifetime, the ambulance arrived and we were rushed to London with blaring sirens and lights.

Shortly after arriving and being taken onto the PICU floor, the doctors began working on treating her. I was standing beside her helpless. Everything was explained to me. I was told what the situation was and what was preventing her lungs from getting enough oxygen.

The first thing I said to the doctor was "It's not life threatening though is it?"

She replied "Yes it is"

Then i asked "But I'm not going to lose her right?!"

"It's possible" She replied. "Your daughter is critical"

As of then my life changed forever. I never thought I'd hear those words. You never think it'll happen to you, it always happens to others.

Miraculously she started to improve over the next 24 hours and her body fought like hell to get better. The doctors were so shocked at how fast she turned around and called her a "real success story"!

She was discharged last night and is doing well. It's a long journey ahead but we will get there.

I need advice with how to move on from such a traumatic and painful experience. It's like my heart broke the day the doctor said she could die and even though we are home and she's doing well, I can't seem to mend my heart.
Maybe it'll take more time or maybe I need some help??

If anyone can relate to my post and has any help or advice on what I can do to process and move forward, please let me know. I'm happy she's over the worst and everything but that doesn't stop how I feel or undo the damage and trauma of it all.

Thanks for reading my story ❤️

Oh I had a shiver reading your post and I feel so so much for you, what a terrifying experience. Massive hugs 💕

It sounds to me that you. did. amazing. You looked after her at her time of need in the most perfect way!

I don’t have any advice on coming to terms with it or the feelings you must have I just had to say how strong I think you are.

Oh my you poor thing. You may well end up with PTSD. I think it's vital that you speak to your GP, or see if your employer offers an employee assistance programme. They will often fund therapy sessions.
Sending you love and support ❤️

So sorry you and your DD had to go through that and so glad she's pulled through.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say that you're DD is so lucky that she has a mummy that never left her side ❤️

That sounds incredibly traumatic

I have no great advice but wondered if writing it all down, a chunk at a time, might be helpful. And cry, let it out. Don't feel you need to just be ok.

What a wonderful miracle that she just bounced back, but you get left reeling like you've stared death in the face. I have had lesser things (but that i found v scary involving my kids) run round and round in my head for months afterwards I wonder if that is the brain attempting to process an incredibly shocking event.

That sounds like a really awful time for you @OP .
What was the cause of her lack of oxygen? Does she have any conditions? Perhaps understanding any health issues will help you to move on. Or if it wasn't caused by a long term condition, perhaps understanding the cause for it to suddenly happen would help as hopefully it's something that wouldn't ever happen again?

Oh OP., I'm so sorry for what you've all been through. We had a medical emergency when our boy was 2 and could have lost him, I know so well how much it shakes you to the very core. I buried it for a long time but ended up writing a blog about everything that happened (very covid lockdown, I know ) and our ongoing experience with the medical condition he now lives with, and honestly that was the first time I started to really process it. If that's not your thing or you can't find something that helps you work through it, I really would recommend talking to someone. It's such a lot to unpack and it is an awful, scary thing to go through. So glad your girl is on the mend

That is massively traumatic, especially given it was so out of the blue. It's good that you recognise this and that you need some support.

You must take all the time you need to process what happened and maybe look into some counselling to support you in these early days. It may stop you getting in too deep and potentially developing ptsd.

Were they able to tell you what caused this? Was it some kind of illness or condition? It might be helpful for you to fully understand how this came to be.

I do hope you are ok, it really is an unbearable situation for a parent to find themselves in

I have been there several times with my ds over the years (he has significant medical and mental health issues). I have found that understanding the science and medicine of what had happened each time was enormously helpful. Please make sure you do a debrief with the doctors to understand why a "wheeze" turned into a critical situation. It will help on two ends...you will find that you didn't "miss something" and secondly you will have a better idea of what to look for in the future.

Also, I found that all the other parents (and even medical professionals) dismissed the trauma of what I experienced, except those unfortunate few who had had the same awful experience. Do not waste your time and energy trying to get the non-empathetic to understand your feelings. They are not being heartless...they just have the good fortune to not have experienced it, so can't begin to imagine how terrifying it truly is.

And maybe try not to let on to your dd how terrified you were as it will help her move on and not be traumatized.
PS. So glad that your dd is home and ok.

Oh goodness. You've been through a terrifying situation.

It's still very recent and it's understandable that it's having a big impact on you.

All I can say is talk about it as much as you need whether it be to family, friends or a therapist. You need to process what happened and often talking through your feelings and experiences can help your brain understand everything.

You did exactly what your daughter needed.
You got her the help she needed.
The medics did exactly what they needed to do.
She was very ill but she is better again.
You don't need to be scared anymore.

Thanks for all the supportive comments and kind words from everyone it means so much. In answer to the question of the cause of my daughter’s oxygen levels being so dangerously low…it was because she had some sort of virus or something that had caused a buildup of what they called ‘secretions’ on the inner lining of her right lung. Basically a blockage that was preventing oxygen absorption and stopping carbon dioxide from being expelled. She has been diagnosed with quite severe asthma and the doctors asked if she had been poorly for a while (due to the severity of her condition) but i told them she had been fine until she returned from spending that Sunday at her dad’s house like she does every week with her 6 and 3 year old brothers. She came home feeling generally unwell with cold like symptoms. She wasn’t wheezing or complaining of any breathing issues. She slept through the night and it was literally when she woke up for school the next day that I noticed she was suddenly a lot more poorly than the day before.
I have 5 children, my two eldest are 18 and 15 from a previous marriage and the other three, ages 8, 6 and 3 are from my last relationship. The youngest ones always seem to get frequent colds and coughs. Since the start of term in September, they have been like a tag team. One gets sick, then another and so on.
I read someone’s comment mentioning the possibility of PTSD so I’ll have a look into that and see if it sounds like what I’m feeling. I hadn’t considered it until now.

I am aware that it’s probably normal to be feeling the effects of such an intense experience so soon afterwards so I’m hoping it’s something that will get easier and better with time.
I’ve confided in my mum about my feelings and I did consider contacting my GP if this continues to affect me because maybe talking to someone who’s impartial could be helpful.

I’ve been there with my youngest. It gets easier, but in my experience, you don’t forget how fragile they have been. Please don’t be afraid to seek trauma informed counselling if you feel that you would benefit from it.

My son’s episode felt extra frightening for me because I already lost his older sister. He was three at the time, he is now seven, and the vision of medics so calmly trying to get him to breath is hard to shift. I mean thank goodness they were calm, but the juxtaposition with my own silent terror and panic just makes it seem unreal. He also really didn’t seem that unwell. There was a real chance we could have missed it and he would have died silently at home.

Hope your miracle girl keeps on going from strength to strength.

it sounds very new and raw. it will take time and how long is personal and unique to you.

As helpless as you felt, you did an amazing job as her Mum, getting her urgent medical attention and by being there by your beautiful dd’s bedside throughout this horrifying and emotionally traumatic experience. You will have been a rock and brought so much comfort to her during this terrifying time and feeling so poorly.

I understand your feelings then and now, hitting you, realising just how close your very worst fears came. I am so relieved for you and your family, and thankful that she pulled through, she had the right combination of amazing care from the Dr’s, nurses, machines and medicines and also her body doing it’s job, fighting to heal and recover.

I can relate as I went through similar with my DD when she had severe sepsis. I felt I had PTSD soon after and for a year or two it was very raw and painful, nightmares and flashbacks were triggered, even by little things like drinking the same flavour of squash juice I had there, or seeing her sleeping, was no longer just the peaceful gorgeous angel I enjoyed watching sleep peacefully and feeling blissfully happy, and lucky, instead I seen her lying in a hospital bed with her eyes closed at her worst point over and over, yet here she was safe and healthy again and in her own bed.

The Trauma is well known and real for both patients and family members who have been or seen a loved one seriously ill in hospital like that.

I had other health problems of my own that left me housebound so i never got therapy, but I do recommend you speaking to your Dr for a referral. Also there are bound to be support groups online talking to other parents who have been through it.

I am so sorry for your and your girl’s suffering, albeit glad she’s doing well now. Sending big hugs

Love and strength to all you parents who have been through this type of trauma xx ❤️

Hi OP. I went through similar 18 months ago with my then 9 month old - it was a terrifyingly rapid escalation from a 111 call for advice about her breathing to being intubated and rushed to the nearest PICU. As others have said understanding exactly what happened was very helpful but I still struggle to accept that we nearly lost her and I find talking about it very difficult. I definitely think I should have had therapy for it but it seems slightly pointless now, so I recommend you look into it to help with the trauma of what happened.

You would certainly be at risk of developiñg PTSD after such an experience.
I strongly advise seeing an accredited therapist who specialises in it. EMDR has good results in preventing traumatic memories from 'settling' into longer term problems.

Well done you for being so aware and springing into action for your daughter. You certainly played a part in saving her life. Wishing you both a full and uncomplicated recovery x

I’ve just filled in an online consultation with my GP practice for a callback with my doctor to discuss possible treatment or help with how I’m feeling etc. It’s not helping that my daughter is having a bad night and has a high temperature. Called nhs 111 (probably overreacting lol) but they didn’t make me feel any better or provide much help to relieve my anxiety. They said I can either give it a couple more hours, continue giving paracetamol and keep an eye on her temperature and if it doesn’t go down or gets worse call them back immediately OR i can take her to A&E to get her checked out for my own peace of mind. I feel even more confused about what’s best now. I don’t want to overreact and take her back to hospital and cause her any more trauma and upset than she’s already been through this week BUT I also don’t want to miss a potential problem that needs attention?? What should I do??
The other problem I have is trying to get hold of my mum or brother to borrow petrol and parking money in case i decide to take her to hospital. I haven’t been paid yet (bloody typical!!! 😡) so that’s adding to my stress and anxiety 😥

I am so sorry. My daughter is also 8 and I can't imagine how I'd cope with it if it happened to her. Children just deteriorate so quickly!

I'm so glad that she's been discharged and hope she'll have a speedy discovery.

I totally agree with this advice. Long term issues after traumatic events are often from not being able to process the experience properly after it is over. Nothing will stop it from being an awful traumatic event that has happened to you and your family but EDMR will help your mind and body process with what happened.
Personally I wouldn’t wait. Your GP would be able to sign post you or you should be able to self refer to your local service. EMDR is recognised as the most effective treatment. Even if you would be ok long term without it, it will help you process quicker and with some support.

I’m thrilled your daughter is recovering well.

If money wasn't tight, I'd suggest finding a therapist yourself

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/bacpcharity.html

rather than waiting for GP, but they can be expensive. Make sure your GP refers you to someone specialising in PTSD rather than a general MH support worker.

Sorry that your daughter is unwell tonight. Can you phone A&E directly and ask their advice, seeing as she was so recently treated for a serious condition?

It is a healthy reaction as her Mum to be hyper alert after such an experience. I thought my son might die when he had croup. I went extremely calm. The GP said the next time I went in that she had been amazed how calm I had remained. I said the hyper-calm what worried my husband when I called him from the consult room waiting for ambulance to arrive. He literally “downed tools” and ran out of his work.
I certainly have been to the doctors more times than I otherwise would have been without this experience. I tell them each time that I have a lower threshold to getting the kids checked out after my son got croup. I’ve never had to say anymore, they’ve always understood and reassured that they would always rather check an unwell child.

Sorry I meant to say it’s to be expected you would be hyper vigilant after such an experience rather than healthy.

Op I completely understand our dd was suddenly very unwell following an accident abroad. She was 12.

The terror the trauma of getting a phone call and police knocking the door still hasn't left me and it was 12 years ago.

You won't get over it but you will learn to live with it. I had to have councelling with my dd.

With asthma any dought call for an ambulance at once don't bother will 111 or getting her in a car.

Sending hugs op. Kids!!!

A totally different situation, but I've been there with my toddler, gone from things being fine, to very much not fine, with a life threatening diagnosis, blue lighted to the regional children's hospital and risky but life saving surgery all within about 18hrs. Followed by numerous highly dangerous/life threatening complicating during the long hospital stay.

It's been a year, but it's still raw, and I'm still processing it, but it's better than it was. I did have counselling afterwards, but I'm not sure it helped much. Time is slowly helping me more.

We've been admitted a few times since ( we will have involvement from multiple hospitals and departments for many years now), and the ward is a collection of trigger points, but ones I have to ignore.

I can yeah about her condition without getting upset now. Maybe I'm numb to it, maybe it's because I've had conversation about a thousand times. I am hyper vigilant about her health, but with his reason I guess.

It's hard though, and for me, it felt like losing a sense of naivety

Like loosing a sense of naivety

That's it exactly