Not feeling that all consuming love?

[EstelleK88]

Hello. I had my baby boy on 9th February, and I dont feel that rush of all consuming love for him? I know it can come with time but it’s really worrying me.

I think he’s amazing, and want to protect him and worry for him, but I didn’t feel that magical feeling everyone talks about. I also feel like he’s is sensing something from me cos he cries more with me than with his dad or other people, I also think that isn’t helping with the bonding thing.

I did have a pretty traumatic birth. I was induced with the pessary at 11am on 7th Feb and sent home, was back in hospital by 9pm and was told they could break my waters, which didn’t happen until the next day at 9:30pm. I was having really strong contractions all night until they broke my waters (which was just horrible) had a panic attack as it hurt so much. I had the epidural at around 2am on 9th, which I feel only worked until the hormone drip was turned up full pelt and I was in active Labour. I gave birth to my son at 5:46pm.

I was then told that they had to call the emergency team and drs in cos I was losing alot of blood. Very scary. I had a post natal haemorrhage and had to have a blood transfusion so I only came home last night and I’m on iron tablets and blood thinning injections. Could my experience be why I feel this way? Sorry for the long story but it was long haha

That sounds very traumatic. No wonder you are struggling. Cut your self some slack. And try not to worry about it too much. You are all your baby needs.

I felt the exact same, and had a similar birth to you. Try not to overthink it and give yourself grace. It comes naturally when your body lets it tbh
My son is 6 weeks now and I'm slowly feeling the love. I didn't even want to hold him the first two weeks I was in so much pain and didn't know what day of the week or even night from day.
How can you feel good when your body is recovering from something so traumatic , take everyday as it comes and cherish the little moments because they really do go quickly.

It took me a fair few months to feel it and I have a straight forward ish birth. I lived in guilt until then. I think that it's an extremely unhealthy narrative that people push - making expectant mothers feel like they HAVE to feel this gush of love that to some people takes time.
I did end up with quite bad PND- look after yourself.

Traumatic experience can make you feel like this and PND and the honest truth it's is normal not to feel that all consuming love. That is the truth, it can take time and your exhausted right now and emotions and hormones are doing their thing. Give it time. Society, social media, tv/films, books etc have all told us women that when you see your baby that rush of love feeling hits you but sometimes your body is just in shock, been through trauma and all the things above are playing apart and distorting your true feelings. Also baby blues which is normal can kick in on day 3 and last for two weeks

Dont be hard on yourself mummy, you've just given birth, mood will be low after the trauma, baby is new to you. Just be aware if it doesn't resolve a little in a few days talk to your health visitor. Out of our 4 babies I was fine with 3 but 1 I didn't feel it and ended up with pnd it's a horrible thing makes you feel like your looking after a baby because you have to and feel cold,emotionless etc. Anyway luckily my health visitor picked up on it and Dr gave meds and 4 months later I was fine. But why I said be careful my sister and a cousin also had it and it wasn't picked up on and there's lasted months before they got meds.They lost precious time bonding and pushed a lot of family away and were just basically very very un happy. So dont let it get to bad. You take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon 🙂

I never had that powerful surge of all consuming love either. It really confused me because i felt it when I held my dniece for the first time so knew I was capable of it, but when I had my son nothing, nadda. I used to hold him and think this could be anyones baby, he just didnt feel like mine, he felt so unfamilar. I also had a traumatic birth, long labour ending in EMCS under GA and ds in SCBU. I went through agony establishing bf thinking it would make a difference, make that bond quickly, it didn't (bf eventually was good though).

So I faked it until I made it. It took a while, months, but it came slowly but surely.

If you are struggling with it seek help and support, but don't worry too much, what you are feeling is not that unusual.

Not everyone gets a sudden feeling of love. I didn't and I put it down to already loving them while they were in the womb. The love grew gradually throughout pregnancy and then beyond to reach its maximum several months after birth.

It did mean that after my second was born there was a brief but discomforting feeling that, despite myself, I loved my first more. I just knew her better and there'd been more time for love to grow. Now though, my second is six months and I love them both with the same powerful, unconventional love.

@EstelleK88 congratulations!!

Don't be hard on yourself. You've had a very traumatic few days. Let your body and mind heal, let your hormones settle. The love will come. My birth with DD was pretty hideous. The love was a slow burn.

I didn’t think I did, it actually took me years. But I always knew I would absolutely 100% die for her if that makes sense. Thats love too in my view, it’s just not a loud love but it’s there and it’s meaningful iyswim

I had a very traumatic birth with DS1 and we both nearly died.

I did not feel all consuming love at all. I was going through the emotions. Then very suddenly and unexpectedly when he was about 4 months old (I remember the exact moment it happened- I was changing him in an airport loo) I felt it hit me like a train. It absolutely took my breath away.

I would say go easy on yourself. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Dont worry about it, and just do what you need to do to heal. I think the idea of an immediate all consuming love does many mothers a huge disservice because we think there is something wrong with us- when actually having a baby in traumatic circumstances is such an emotional earthquake it can just take some time to come out of the fog.

*going through the motions I meant. Not emotions.

I hardly know anyone that experienced a huge surge of love. I don’t think it’s that common in reality, it’s presented as this normal thing but the more women I’ve spoken to about it the less it seems to be a universal experience. My labour with my son wasn’t traumatic but it was long and I was exhausted when he was born, I felt a desire to protect him but love didn’t really come for maybe 3-4 weeks after. I had my second baby a month ago and it’s come quicker this time but it’s still not a ‘massive overwhelming surge of love’ like a movie would describe. Please try not to worry and I hope you feel recovered soon x

I had the most massive rush of love and emotion for DC 1 the moment she was born.
I didn't experience the same with DC2 I'd say it happened over a few weeks but now of course I adore both of them even though they are teens who don't listen to me half the time

I think there's a lot of hype around a 'magical feeling'.

The truth is that everyone experiences emotions differently and you feel how you feel.

Try not to compare your feelings to others; let it develop naturally.

You are very very early days right now and you've had a really traumatic experience - give yourself some time.

I think he’s amazing, and want to protect him and worry for him
It's hard to love someone you don’t know and have just met, and the fact that you’re worried about it shows you do love him. I don’t know anyone who has genuinely felt that magical feeling, but no one talks about the “omg, wtf have we done” feeing which is totally natural.
Sorry you had a traumatic birth, be easy on yourself.

I remember when my DS was a few days old saying to DH "but how do I know if I love him?" I didn't feel that rush of love either. I was just going through the motions. Kept him safe cos that's what you are supposed to do. It was a few months before I felt it.

I remember getting a congratulations card which said on the front "I'm smiling thinking about how happy you must be" and I read it and felt awful cos I wasn't happy at all! And I felt like such a failure.

You are doing fine OP. You'll find your way ☺️

I don't think I did until she started smiling and interacting with me at about 2/3 months, she's 11 months now and I am truly obsessed with her. Give yourself a break and look after yourself, it will come x

I felt exactly the same! I would have ripped the head off anyone who hurt so much as a hair on his head but didn't feel the love. It came.

Remember to talk to the baby, and to have some skin to skin contact. Might help increase the love.

I didn't feel it for either of my children immediately. I knew I wanted to care for them and protect them but I didn't feel a surge of love.

My love for them grew and at around 18months it reached its peak and has stayed constant through to their adulthood. I adore them!

I work in a role that puts me in regular contact with new mothers and many women tell me the same so I know it's not uncommon.

It's true, sometimes there is an element of PND involved so it's good to keep an eye on that. Your birth experience sounds quite traumatic and you're recovering mentally and physically so do be kind to yourself.

I think I may have had PND with my first but not with my second though and it was still the same so maybe for some people, love just works that way.

If you feel generally ‘protective’ over him, that’s normal I think. I felt fiercely protective over DD in an instinctive way, but I think ‘love’ sort of grew over a few months as she woke up a bit and smiled. Don’t pressure yourself, love is sort of a subjective feeling anyway so as long as you have an urge to care for him and make sure he’s ok you’re getting there.

dont worry about it- I never felt it at all for my sons, just a growing adoration as I got to know them individually and their little personalities started to show through. Now they are the light of my life!

But, unaccountably and unexpectedly, I did feel that sudden rush of all consuming love for my neice - no idea why, only one of my nieces too - and I am no closer to her now than any of the others.

Its a biological instinct based on living with predators around you - it is always hit and miss even in wild primates, it has little relevance to modern life or your future relationship, and is totally unpredictable and uncontrollable.

You will have an amazing bond with your little one soon, and it will be based on you two knowing each other

It took me six months to know I loved my son and I had a straightforward planned c section. For me it grew as he started to develop a personality and I was getting to know this adorable cheeky little guy that was now part of my life.

He’s nearly one now and it’s not like I walk around every day feeling this warm fuzzy glow of love for him all the time. Sometimes I’m bloody tired and just getting through the day so not feeling much of a glow of anything! But I’ve felt the gooey melting glow of love enough that I know I love him, even on the harder days when I’m desperate for a break and not feeling it as much.

Give it time, you’ll get there too.

I said this exact same thing to my DH after the birth of my first and he told me something very wise, he said ‘what you’re feeling doesn’t really matter to the baby - all the baby needs is to be loved, cuddled, soothed and fed. That is love. You may not feel it, but you’re demonstrating it. The feelings will come when you’re less hormonal, sleep deprived and exhausted. For now, don’t add this anxiety to your already full list of things you’re dealing with on an hourly basis.’

He was right.

I felt the same with my second. In fact I think I even made a thread about it. I definitely love him now, it just took time to get to know him.