How does anyone cope with 2 kids, let alone more?!

[Razputini]

Just needing a vent, support, and welcome to hearing other experiences and similars struggles, it would make me feel better knowing im not alone. I have a 2 and a half year old daughter and a 4 week old newborn girl and I just can't handle it, I have no, NO idea how anybody else manages two children let alone more. I feel like i'm on the verge of a breakdown constantly, I feel physically sick from the stress. It doesn't help that I haven't had one single decent nights sleep almost 3 years now. Newest DD was not planned and I would have wanted a time gap inbetween children to at least recover from sleep deprivation, our 2 year old only started sleeping through the night in December, before that she would wake me up 6-7 times a night and it was awful. Then when she finally did start sleeping through, I was in the final month of pregnancy and running on 2 hours of sleep every night as I had relentless insomnia. And now the newborn is here, who wakes me up every 2 hours (which I consider good considering my first would make me up every 20 minutes when she was a baby) but is EBF so I can't just catch a break. I feel so guilty as i've had SO much support from my family (mum taking DD1 1/2 days a week, my brother coming to take DD1 to the park etc about 1/2 days a week) and my partner is amazing and he helps out and gives me a break so often but I still can't handle it, I feel useless and selfish even asking them for help all the time. And I miss spending time with DD1, I haven't spent real quality time with her in so long because I'm constantly burnt out and tired and I have been for months. It breaks my heart when she asks me to play imaginary games with her, or she wants to do my make-up or something and I don't have the energy for her. She's in nursery 3 days a week now from 8:30 - 1pm which she loves but I feel like I hardly see her as much as I want to.

I don't know. I'm so tired of the constant stimulation, constantly being touched, needed, constant noise, questions, screaming, crying, mess, trying to multi-task so so many different things at once. I miss when I used to have a life and I feel like right now, I hate being a parent. DD2 is so cute and sweet but I can't help but think things would be so much better if she wasn't here, and then I feel guilty for even thinking that as my friends struggle to concieve... I want to enjoy every moment with my children but right now I feel like I'm just counting down the days until DD2 is older and i'm hoping things are easier, that my kids can play together and entertain each other and I'll have some decent sleep by then so I can just be the parent i want to be for them again

When I had one child they took up all my time . So I figured however many I had wouldn't take any longer than that!

The secret is when they are bigger it’s easy with two but for now it’s more difficult.

Don't beat yourself up - your kids are not good sleepers. A lot of people who manage easily have kids that sleep better than this. But that will pass, one day they will very likely sleep through the night and it will not be this hard.

Bottle feed, give baby to husband, get some sleep.

Deep breaths 🧘 you'll get through it. I have exactly 2.5 years between my two as well. They're now 7 and just turned 10.... and we have a 20 month old 😂
If you have family or friends nearby accept any help you can get and make sure your husband is doing his share of winding baby, taking the kids out on his days off so you can have a lie in or a long bath.
Hang in there 👍

Reading this brought it all flooding back for me. I had two under two and felt just as strung out as you’re describing. It is totally normal. You’re not failing at all I promise. This is just the reality with two tiny kids unless you’re blessed with good sleepers.

But it passes! The first six months were dreadful and I did just have to get through it. But we all survived. No long term harm was done. And by the time dc2 turned 1 I’d found some rhythm and were smitten with one another which made it all seem much more worth it.

In the meantime just lean in anyone who’ll help, cut corners wherever you can and in a few months try to get some routines set up that remove the element of thought from each day. Regular nap times, rock solid bedtime routines, weekly activities or visitors. You can do this.

It's harder now but so much easier having two close together when they're a little bit older.

Just do what you can to make your life as easy as possible. Paper plates, eat out once a week, go to as many groups as you can, get out the house as although it's hard getting out it's easier than two indoors all day.

Depending on how much money you have see if you can get a david lloyd membership so they can be looked after and you can get a work out and a hot tub/sauna in.

Chuck as much money as you can at it. By the time youngest is 4 you will appreciate the close age gap.

I have 4 and find it really hard but often hear people saying that one child is harder 🤦🏻🤷‍♀️ Even now they are older they fight all the time so it hasn’t got easier

If you can express (extra faff I know). I'd express, give baby to granny for a few hours, send toddler to nursery and organise a friend or sibling to collect her. I would just eat and sleep for the days, throw in a nice long shower or bath. If you can do that once a week, you will feel so much better.

Anything you can do to make your life easier, just do it. This phase doesn't last long.

OP I have 3 and reading this you sound mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Being honest in your position I would bottle feed so your partner and family can take a turn of feeding and so your partner can do some night feeds so you get a proper sleep. You need rest and won't get it while still breastfeeding. Apologies if you find this offence or upsetting but I am trying to help.

I know what you mean about the constant touching and noise. I find that difficult at times as sometimes I need (not even want) a short time were it's quiet and nobody has touched me or pulled at me or shouted mum.

No advice because you're right in the thick of it, just wanted to send some cyber hugs. It will get better.

You’re right in the thick of it. This is how I felt for much of the first 6 months of my second’s life. My first wasn’t a bad sleeper but my second is and it’s exhausting. I also had terrible pregnancy insomnia as you described.
Hang on in there, it will get so much easier. I don’t know how people have 3 or more though! I’m in awe. I feel a bit scarred from the first year of 2 under 2!

I'm in your position too OP. Don't worry it will get better, your baby is only 4 weeks old but before long they will be able to go longer between feeds. I have a now almost 5 month old and 2.9 year old. I understand where posters are coming from saying bottle feed but I would continue breastfeeding as now my little one is older I can settle him instantly and don't have to cart bottles and milk around. Also it is easier to fall back asleep, I too have been woken every 2 hours but if I can go to bed at 8pm, get Dh into the spare room and get 3 sessions of 2 hours in a night then I think a total of 6 hours sleep makes it better.

Ditto do as many toddler groups as you can and don't be worried about putting the older one in pre school if needed.

It will get easier x

I have 2 , two years apart. It's so hard for the first year. Don't feel guilty for asking for more help - having a break from your 2 year old doesn't make you any less tired! You need to prioritise seep as much as you can. For a few months I managed to get mine to nap at the same time then I'd be able to catch at least an hours nap at the same time. But was short-lived as my 2 year old started to fight them!
But sleep is the key. Take any opportunity to sleep. Everything else is so much harder when you're exhausted. I remember the feeling of not having had a decent nights sleep in 4 years! Mine are 4 and 6 now and it was so worth having them close in age. They play together and enjoy watching the same things on tv, go to bed around the same time, etc. They entertain each other so in that aspect it's easier than for others who have 1 young child who looks to be entertained by their parents!
Good luck - it does get better (eventually).

Don't be so hard on yourself. I had a two year nine month gap between my first two. The jump from one to two is the hardest to do. You can't dose in the day when the baby does because you have a toddler to see to. I was so busy with my second I once got to about 3pm and realised I hadn't given my eldest lunch! I felt so guilty. I've got four now and can honestly say that one to two was the hardest. Anymore after that just slot in place. The first one will still be getting used to sharing you also but after a few months when they realise their sibling isn't going anywhere they start to want to be more involved. It will get easier.

I have 4 now but the time I found the hardest was when the 2nd was born and the oldest was nearly 2. They were both awful sleepers and I really struggled for the 1st 8 months. It does get easier I promise. They are both in uni now.

This is the hardest bit, it will all get easier especially because of the 2 year gap.
Mine are adults now and I can say hand on heart the hardest part was the first few months of having two.

One small thing I learned is that you can ignore the baby easier than the two year old. Many times I found that the baby was crying and the toddler and by the time I dealt with the toddler the baby was asleep. If that had been my first I would have fed / rocked/ fretted with the baby. Both were EBF.

No advice but just wanted to show a bit of solidarity- you’re not alone, I’m in exactly the same boat I have a 2 and half year old boy and a 4 week old girl. It’s so so hard. I feel like every minute of the day I’m needed for something, my son is hard work as lovely as he is and constantly wants me to play with him, or is demanding snacks or something else. I am also ebf my 4 week old and am struggling with the sleep deprivation. Last two nights my toddler has also been playing up in the night so that on top of the newborn waking every couple hours. She also won’t let me put her down, she screams every time she’s not held. I knew it would be hard, but god I just feel exhausted all the time. I just keep telling myself it’ll get easier… don’t know if it’s true but I need to believe it lol. Im also making sure to do nice things for myself, I try to get out for a nice walk with headphones on to listen to music and coffee in a flask when the weathers good, nice food, treated myself to a pair of new boots (obviously depends on finances). A hot shower and coffee in the morning. Little things!

I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old and these last 5 months have been harder than I imagined. Everyone told me going from one to two was easier than zero to one, but it’s not been true in my case. 5 month old will only cat nap unless he is held which is so hard to do when 3 year old needs me all the time. It will get easier.

I have two, I had my second when my first was 4.5 years old and he also had autism, adhd, global development delay, sleep disorder and a learning disability it was hell.
It only really got better when my second started reception.

You need to work as a tag team with your partner. You've got this op.

Forgot to say my two are now ignoring me playing on their games all day! If I could go back to them being little for just one day when they needed me constantly for cuddles and playing I'd go back in a instant. Make sure you treasure this time where you can.

What you’re feeling is so common OP. Lack of sleep affects everything.
The BF generally gets better between weeks 4-6 and that always makes you feel so much better when you get those longer stretches between feeds.
Baby’s first smile is a big milestone that you’re getting close to. When they start those social smiles I find that it really gives me a lift.
With small children the days are long but the months and years fly by.

It can be so hard, I really feel for you, but it will get easier I promise. Each to their own, but my son had one bottle a day pretty much from birth as I needed that break from breastfeeding, and it gave my husband time to bond with him. I ended up breastfeeding for almost 2 years.

Thank you so much everyone. I wasn't expecting as many replies as this has got, I've read every single of them and I really mean it when i say they've brought me so much comfort and made me feel so much less alone. I don't have any mum friends at the moment with more than one child but it's so nice to here from people who have been there or are currently in the same situation and to know it's not just me, it is hard. But hearing that it does guess easier eventually and that it pays off long term is what's keeping me going right now... Just pushing through each day until I get there. Thank you for reminding me that one day, I will and it will pay off.

So true @Crunchingleaf. DD2 hasn't properly smiled yet but the few times she has (not purposefully though) it just lifts a weight 🙂

Also re the bottle feeding... I would be up for trying it but honestly at this moment in time I'm clueless about it and I'm worried I'll get myself all stressed out more trying. I know that sounds like I'm just dooming myself but I really know nothing about expressing, pumps or formula and I feel like if we tried it and it didn't work or she wouldn't take the bottle I'd be adding more weight on my mind right now and get frustrated trying to figure it out. I guess I feel like it's kind of a daunting thought. I'm definitely up for trying it though when I'm in a better state of mind