Is this okay?

[FebMama]

I currently have DS1 who is 3 and DS2 who is two weeks old tomorrow.

With DS1, I used to respond immediately to every little whimper, winge or cry.

With DS2, there are times I can't respond as quickly as I am doing something with DS1. For example, today I put DS2 in the Moses basket. He was fed, clean nappy and was asleep. He woke up after a few minutes and let out a little cry but I was sorting out breakfast for DS1 so couldn't get to him immediately. Eventually, DS2 just went back off to sleep again.

Is it ok that I didn't respond? Everywhere you read says to respond immediately to newborn cries but there are times where I physically am not able to (the same happened when I was in the shower the other morning or when I was on the loo!).

Of course if the cries continued then I would have obviously seen to him.

What's the best thing to do here?

@MelaniesFlowers i am a single parent. Genuinely interested in what you suggest I do in circumstances the OP describes? Particularly having a shower? I do it when the baby is asleep but sometimes he wakes, cries, and it takes me a minute to get there, by which point he’s asleep again.

I would genuinely welcome your answer to this!

Ignore the bs that came from @MelaniesFlowers it is impossible and not realistic to attend every little whimper when you have other dc!

God I hate this line too. "You're teaching them that no one will come if they cry."

So sanctimonious and also completely wrong.

If you leave a child in their cot all day and ignore their cries or tie them to a potty and leave them like some horrific 3rd world orphanage, then yes they will learn that no one comes.

If you're busy dealing with another child for a minute or two, no your baby will not be psychologically damaged.

For heaven's sake what do people think mothers used to do when they had 6 or 7 children? What do mothers of twins or triplets do?

That line is so bloody annoying and it's always parroted on Mumsnet.

I remember actively waiting to see if they would settle again if it was just a few seconds of grumbling, particularly if I had only just put them down and were asleep when I did so. I definitely didn't rush to them every time. I now have two happy and well adjusted teens so I don't think it was a problem.

You still need to look after yourself and your eldest and it is physically impossible to be in two places at once, although that's easy to forget when you are in the thick of it. Cut yourself some slack, there is absolutely no reason to be there within seconds.

What a load of crap

@MelaniesFlowers yes of course! The op should just starve her toddler until another adult is there, what good advice!

Op I had the same age gap, ds2 much more chipped than DS1 because he had to wait at times! Ds1 was still in nappies, he had only just turned 2 so was still a baby, his needs sometimes trumped the baby abs the baby's needs sometimes trumped his! If I could do things together I would eg bathtime after 6 weeks I put ds2 in his scnuggle bath in the main bath so I could bath them both then feed and get the baby ready for bed whilst ds2 had more fun splashing, it meant they ended up in a great routine and ds2 slotted right in!

Be kind to yourself you're doing a great job! Ignore the trolls!

Genuinely thought this was sarcasm and then realised that she is, in fact, serious and completely bonkers 😳

Have you more than one child @MelaniesFlowers do you have a dp/dh or family help?

What would your advice be to a mum of twins then ? Two babies crying at the same time which happens most days ? One has to wait I'm afraid

@MelaniesFlowers - is there not also a risk that dropping everything to attend to the baby might result in them growing up psychopathic. They have never learned empathy, that others have needs and that their wants are not always a priority?

(For avoidance of doubt, that's bollocks, but no more so than what you are suggesting)

This is exactly why there are so many adults still traumatised by their mothers finishing off making lunch for their sibling before responding to them. Oh, no, wait…

You just do your very best in the moment OP. It’s a horrible feeling when they both need you and you can’t split yourself in two, but you can only do what you can do, and as long as you are loving and try to balance out who needs to wait for you, you’ll be doing a great job.

I’m pregnant with DC2. If it’s anything like DC1 it’ll cry a lot as a newborn. It was physically impossible to tend to every single cry with DC1 as he cried so much (colic, reflux and generally miserable/high needs). DC1 had turned out to be a gorgeous, well rounded, easy going 3 yo. Your baby crying for 30-40 seconds will be totally fine, from someone who’s baby would regularly cry for 3-4 hours at a time and has suffered no lasting harm.

Back in your ridiculous box.

@FebMama allowing DS2 to settle himself back off to sleep is a gift for life!

you do not need to rush to his every noise.

obviously if he's actually crying or distressed, but not simply because he's woken up!

i don’t understand how a baby who is a few weeks old knows the difference between what you class as avoidable and unavoidable reasons to be honest. If we’re talking about damaging the baby are you suggesting that somehow it’s neural pathways will understand the difference?

So my three children are all psychologically harmed because I left them to cry sometimes? When my first son was born in 1983, the advice from the health visitor was not to respond immediately to every cry but to wait to see if they would settle down on their own before picking them up.

I did not leave him to cry for long and it soon became obvious if he needed something ( food, nappy changing, winding etc) or if he was just unsettled for a few moments. After six months I went back to work and I am sure he did not get immediate attention at nursery. I certainly picked him up for cuddles much more than I did with my other two children even though I was a SAHM by then - with three children under the age of 4, life is pretty manic at times!

i know parenting advice is very different now and some of the things we did ( sleeping on tummy to help with wind, adding baby rice to last bottle to help them sleep through, in own bedroom from a very early age, no co-sleeping in case we suffocated the baby, weaning onto solids from 4 months etc etc) are now considered wrong or even harmful but I’m not convinced that all the modern trends are advantageous.

One example for me was that in order to leave the house, I had to get my baby into his pram first, crying or not, while I strapped his sister ( 12 months older) onto the pram seat then finally got the reins around my 31/2 year old. By the time I finally set off walking to the shops or to playgroup, all three of them were possibly crying but I just ignored them and kept going until the movement of the pram got the baby to sleep, the toddler began to enjoy listening to me sing to her and my oldest child was hunched up sitting on the shopping tray under the pram, having refused to walk any further!

Everyone needs to find a way to parent their children that suits them all, a happy balance between giving babies attention and still being able to function and tend to other children.

I wondered the same… anyone with more than one child knows the difficulty you have in meeting both their needs at the same time. It’s just not always possible! I found it to be the most stressful part of having two. I also prioritised my toddler over my baby in these situations so that they didn’t think the baby was more important to me than they were. Equally I tried my best to be as responsive as possible to my second born but sometimes it’s just not possible.

Overwhelmed with all of the supportive comments. Thank you all. I don't think you all know how much it means to hear such encouraging words when you're in the thick of newborn life with a toddler in tow. So thank you thank you thank you.

Pretty clear to see the responses to @MelaniesFlowers are very much unanimous. Exactly what somebody else said previously, the first thing that came to mind was what about single parents? When DH goes back to work next week, there will be the odd few days that DS1 isn't in nursery and it'll just be the three of us at home. I'm confident there will be tears from all 3 of us at some points but we'll muddle through! My children will be very much loved and cared for to the best of my ability in that given moment. DS1 has already had to adjust to waiting for me at certain points, given that I am EBF DS2. And as much as he has been an absolute darling about it, I don't intend on pushing him to the side and making him wait to be fed.
Not quite sure why I'm trying to justify myself at this point if I'm honest!

Do you use a sling? I carried baby around in a sling, she fed from there, it really made things easier.
Also the toddler in like a wheeled walker they could follow you round in.

Baby crying for a few seconds and then going back to sleep is great. If you’d gone to him he probably would have woken up fully and been grumpy, he obviously wanted to sleep!

I used to respond immediately to my DS’s every whimper (only child so far), and in hindsight it probably contributed to him being a terrible sleeper as he learnt to expect constant interruption poor thing 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m a bit ahead of you with an almost 3 year old and a 10 week old and have had to let the baby cry a good few times, particularly as he is not a very contented baby. For example being in the middle of sorting out toddler’s meals, showering, helping the toddler on the potty, dealing with a toddler tantrum or toddler being hurt. Of course I’ve felt horrible about it, but like others have said I don’t want my toddler thinking she doesn’t matter anymore now that baby brother is here. Keep doing your best, they will know they are loved!!

@theoldcatsmells yes I do have a sling! I have the ergobaby aura. It says it can be used from 8lbs+ so just waiting for DS2 to be weighed again on Friday then can possibly start using it the following week.

@SalviaOfficinalis I was the exact same with DS1 and he was a terrible sleeper for 11 months!! Here's hoping I have a better sleeper on my hands this time around.

I’m in a similar position with a 3.5yo and a newborn and, while I know the newborn’s sleep will change, he’s already a lot better than his sister – I responded to her every snuffle in that “heightened anxiety” way of a PFB, whereas DC2 I can’t, which allows him the space to get himself back off to sleep. I respond when he cry-cries obviously, but it’s been useful in recognising that he’s often not crying: he’s making sleep noises, or doing that mad newborn thing where their eyes are open but they’re asleep.

Yes ignore the first poster.

If you respond immediately you could make a rod for your own back.

If the baby went back off to sleepy fairly quickly then there was nothing wrong.

Just relax and do what you think is right!

By the time I finally set off walking to the shops or to playgroup, all three of them were possibly crying but I just ignored them and kept going until the movement of the pram got the baby to sleep, the toddler began to enjoy listening to me sing to her and my oldest child was hunched up sitting on the shopping tray under the pram, having refused to walk any further!

This is great for any new parents to read.

So many new parents fall into the trap of thinking they need to stop immediately and attend to any whimper/cry/noise when sometimes just getting on and giving the baby/child a moment is what you need to do.

You can so easily get into the cycle of baby in pram - baby cries - pick baby up- put baby back in pram - baby cries - pick baby up etc. etc. Before you know it you're posting about how you haven't left the house for three months. Often just leaving them and getting out the house, letting the fresh air/change of scenery/motion of the pram do it's business is exactly what everyone needs. It's the same with sleep and the car and the bath etc. etc.

Obviously don't let them become majorly distressed, but also don't interpret every slight objection to change as a precursor to deep psychological harm that must be immediately rectified.

MelaniesFlowers · Today 11:52
You should respond immediately.

While sorting breakfast for DS1 you absolutely could have responded to your baby, you just chose not to.

You also could have waited and has your shower until your partner came home/there was another adult to look after the baby.

Being stuck on the loo can not be helped but that isn’t a situation that happens often.

When you don’t respond and he “settles” off back to sleep, all you’re teaching him is that nobody is going to come when he needs them. I wouldn’t want to send my child that message“

Don’t be a twat.

Do you have more than one child? Do you instantly drop what you’re doing with child 1 every time child 2 whimpers. Do hope not. What sort of message is that sending to child 1?

OP, please completely ignore the above’s sanctimonious twaddle. Of course what you did was absolutely fine.