Child being excluded by friend's parent

[RTchokeheart]

I feel so powerless in this situation. My primary-school aged DS is being excluded from play dates with his larger friendship group by the parent of his friend. The friend's parent is very pro-social and has connections with most other parents. When I tried to arrange a play date with other kids, she arranged an alternative play date and pulled rank. Her DS still plays with my DS at school, but pretends they aren't friends when his mum is around. I've never known my DS to hit, hurt, or be mean to another kid - this is the feedback I got from nursery and school as well. His friend loses his temper regularly, can be extremely unkind and falls out with other kids constantly. TBH, I was hoping the friendship would wane, but it seems as if we have the worst of both worlds, as he is still friends with the kid, but is being socially excluded by the parent. I don't really want my DS to spend time with these people, but he wants to see his friends outside of school and he cries about it. I feel so guilty.

Can you clarify how it happened that you had organised a play date and then she pulled rank?
Are you saying you organised a play date for one or more different children, their parents agreed, and then she came in and they swapped to her?!? What did their text to you explaining this say?

This seems so bizarre? If my kid had a planned play date and someone arranged another I'd just say sorry we already have plans. I don't see why rank would be able to be pulled? Are you inviting her child to your play dates? Does she think you are excluding her child and is therefore getting competitive about it and is arranging things he can go to? I would be inclined to include her kid as well and if there are issues then you can just talk with her directly to resolve them. I'd be more annoyed at the other parents for committing to something and then changing plan when something better comes along. She's free to arrange whatever she wants they should have said no we've a prior arrangement.

We had something similar though not as extreme when my youngest was six . Either I or my son wasn’t ‘suitable’/ didn’t fit into a clique … my son and the boy stayed friends in school but his mum just ignored any attempt to have a play date . My son had plenty of other friends but this boy was his best friend . Fast forward 6 years and they are still good friends who see each other most weekends .. but they organise it themselves . I have no contact with the mum at all .. initially I thought the boy was a bit uninteresting but over time I’ve come to realise he’s a really lovely caring boy and a good friend to my son. My advice is to concentrate on other 1 to 1 play dates and let your son be friends with this lad in school . You can’t change the mums behaviour - don’t waste your time trying

Go all out for play dates, to make sure the kids are really happy afterwards. Also invite some of the other Mums over for coffee/play-dates.

After school activities where he can make a new friendship group. Also football, scouts, and whatever the main ones for boys at the school are.

This, more info please

I had this with dd except the difference is the children were probably younger and whatever was said by the parent ensured the girl stopped talking to my dd for 6 months and the friendship never recovered. They were inseparable up until that point. I found out what was said some time later and an incident and my words had been completely misinterpreted. Even if it had happened the way it was portrayed, the thing was blown out of all proportion. My dd was 5.

The girl, who stopped speaking to dd, also told the other 2 girls in the friendship group they couldn’t play with her and dd so they had to choose. Also being younger ones in the year and 5, they chose to play with the girl for a while. I got dd very busy at that point. After school clubs to mix with children outside of school. We found other children dd was loosely friends with to have play dates and made a mum friend, who was also not part of the ‘in crowd’. I spoke to school as dd was devastated and lonely so they could look after her and the dinner ladies took her in hand for quite a while, encouraged group games. Slowly dd found other friends to play with and after a while reconnected with the other girls in the group when dd’s former bestie went off with other friends. Fundamentally the girls realised they were primarily dd’s friend.

As my dd was not having playdates with the girl anymore, she started having play dates with one of the other girls in that friendship circle. This mum was never keen on having play dates with my dd for reasons unknown (possibly because I’m ill and not ‘popular’?), which didn’t help matters. She was very keen for her dd and the girl to be friends (the girl is the dd of an ‘popular’ mum) and told her dd in front of my dd that she wouldn’t be inviting my dd round. Who does that to a 6 year old?! It was a really shitty year all round for dd and she developed mental health issues as a reaction to all of this plus the realisation around my poor health.

But you know what? I’m really glad it happened. It is tricky for a child to be friends with a child of controlling parents. It also taught dd a lot. She widened her friendship group and ended up with loads of friends rather than just sticking with the same ones. She therefore had the original friendship group, which I talked of as ‘school friends’ and others as ‘play date friends’. That she could play with whoever she wanted to at school and certain friends would come home but not others and she would go to those friends houses.

I have read similar posts over the years op. Some from mums, whose dcs are fully grown and even stories, where the child was so determined to remain friends that they defied their parents and remained friends despite the odds. Idk if this will happen for your ds. But the road is a long way ahead. Yes, it is easier in secondary as parental control diminishes. But the damage may already have been done or the friendship run its course. Either way, I would do as I and others are suggesting.

Can you organise a play date with just one child and try to keep it on the down low? And keep doing that?

Also agree with making friends outside of school.

OP,

First off approach the teacher to fill her in on what is going on.

Decent teachers always appreciate being informed of background information that informs class dynamics.

Do it.

Next, get your child involved in local sports activities that will build his confidence, help him meet other children, and fill up his week.

You cannot change this, so if you are insisting on keeping him in the school, work around it.

I presume it is not every child so you need to start other playdates and make them the best you can.

Ask him about the other nice boys and bring them over.

Even put yourself out and have them for a late Saturday afternoon/early evening and do a pizza night and a fun movie.

See this as a project and get serious.

But remain bright and breezy with it at the school gate.

You have YEARs and Years ahead of you.

Things change and so do friendships.

She is a controlling headcase and most schools have a couple, so best just actively avoid her.

Parents that will join in the active exclusion with her are best avoided too.

Be glad of the heads up early.

Many people are years in before the headcases expose themselves and the damage is worse.

So get busy making school just ONE part of his life.

Soccer, cubs, tennis, rugby are great sports to get involved with.

This is exactly what I did whilst remaining as bright and breezy as my health would allow. I mentioned one of the mums, who participated in the exclusion, there were a couple of others.

It’s not your son, it’s you she has an issue with. At this age it’s the parents who decide who play dates happen with and for some reason she’s excluding you. Sadly there are some parents like this, my oldest DDs class has parents like this. Recently there was a sleepover at one girls house and all the girls in the class were invited except 2, one girl whose mum has been excluded for years (her dd would be the only one not invited to parties) and my dd, I’ve never played their games, my DD likes her DD so I’ve always made the effort to get on with this mum.

Make friends with the other mums, be overly nice and in the mean mums face like she dosnt phase you and try connecting with other parents.

6yr olds can be a nightmare - but their parents can be worse. I had similar issues with a 6yr old little madam who outed my dd from their friendship group - small school all girls in class part of group. This played on my girl for years and only once she went to high-school did things change for her - was awful for her self esteem. (Couldn't change school because of area).

If you are having a group of parents change playmate to another kid because if birch mum I would absolutely call them out on it. I'd group invite some of his friends to a playdate... if they accept then bail I'd absolutely call them out - in the group about switching to the other child - it's possible the other kids parents don't know.

School can be a funny place and can bring out the worst in some parents. If you think your DS and the other boy are likely to stay friends, I would speak to the other parent. Perhaps the boy (who sounds naughty) is telling lies about your Son and the Mum is believing him? The Mum might genuinely think your Son is the bad influence (although not sure why she would arrange a playdate at the same time?).

She is pulling rank and vindictive and you think that something has happened?

You sound like the ridiculous one here.

Organise your own playdates instead of expecting her to host your son.

Have a party! For anything.

Just to add…there will always be nightmare kids and parents at every school. Try to block out anything that isn’t focused on your child and their nice friends/parents you xan trust. Unless you really want it, stay out the class Whats App. There will always be jealously/competition etc. Maybe she is jealous your child is well behaved and hers is a nightmare!

Maybe she caught her hubby staring at you too long or something. It definitely sounds like the other mom is jealous of you for some reason

Personally I'd confront her in front of her flying monkeys and ask her what problem she has with a CHILD. Sounds like no one's ever called her out on her BS and Id bet good money on her being unprepared for someone to start now. At the end of the day, if a grown adult can make my kid feel like that, it's only fair I make her feel ick too 🤷‍♀️ Putting her in a position where she's forced to explain herself will either make the other parents see her for the Bully she is, or it'll make her hear how rediculous she sounds 😊

I’d play hardball and organise really great play dates one by one with the other kids. I’d get friendly with their parents and not let them say no! Beat her at her own game and just be nice to everybody. Including her son. I’d actually still try and fix play dates with him that he would really enjoy. Good luck! Xxx

I wouldn't ignore the idea of changing schools. It doesn't matter how good the school is or isn't. It doesn't sound lovely to me. It's not just buildings - its ethos and culture. I had a hellish time at school and holding your head up and all that just doesn't work though it did qualify me for a career where a certain amount of abuse comes with the territory. I wish I had told my parents all that was happening and changed schools. I was easily academic enough to have had my choice of schools.

I went to pick up my six year old for a dentist's appointment and what I saw there that lunchtime meant that I uplifted both my children and removed them from the school on the spot. When I was looking for my son, I went to his classroom. A slightly older boy was attempting to garotte a girl - I'll never forget her struggling, turning puce and begging him to stop. After I intervened and rescued the girl, I continued the search. I finally found my son in the distance and he was telling the teacher who was on duty that some boys had been bullying him and they just told him to try to stay out of their way. I couldn't think of anything to say when I overheard this. I did have the urge to shriek at them to get off their pear shaped asses and do their job but I decided that it was better to say too little than too much.

Anyway the children did so much better in their new schools, the teaching was better, they made new friends and I have no regrets. By the way, the school that they were at was in a very affluent area and the children were in no way deprived and, in many ways, a parent might have thought it lovely. My other son later confessed that he found his form teacher quite intimidating because of his constant yelling and apparently he could be heard across the school grounds shrieking. My son said the only time he stopped yelling was when the school inspectors were doing their rounds when he suddenly became soft spoken and kindly.

Personally I'd confront her in front of her flying monkeys and ask her what problem she has with a CHILD. Sounds like no one's ever called her out on her BS and Id bet good money on her being unprepared for someone to start now.

I wouldn't do this in RL because it could be turned back on OP make her look crazy one other parents should avoid and make the situation even worse for her child.

If OP tries to widen her DS friendship group outside of school - groups other play dates - plays down the exclusion importance - some people we just don't see outside school and that's okay - and builds her DS social skills - chances are it will blow over as kids age ad sort themselves out or her child will move on anyway which OP isn't adverse to and her child benefits anyway.

I found other parents behavior odd and frankly childish and nasty but really didn't care beyond impact on DS.

A lot of these post seem to be about "winning" - but frankly not competing in first place mean you don't have this toxic type of influence in life long term.

They don’t need to play date with everyone pick a select few and stick with them based on his preferences. Have a small group chat with those parents find your own people. When kids first start school parents can be in cliques. The novelty soon wears off for most people. If you get him into a team sport he will make friendships through that too.

A similar thing happened with one of my DC who was excluded from a group they previously got on very well with because of one child and his parents/family. They have also had issues with their child lying. I even wondered when reading the OP if it was the same child!

I also assumed the other kids would change their mind about the boy in question because he doesn't appear to be a particularly nice child and although it has taken some time, (some) of the other kids have started to realise this and have come back to DC. It is very hard to watch your child go through it. It has taught DC to be cynical and what lonliness looks like.

So it's not just one mum that is leaving your DS out, it's the mums of all the kids? If that is the case are you sure there is nothing else going on with your son's behaviour? It seems a bit strange that all the mum's are avoiding you and your child, but you think it's all down to one of the mums. There must be more to this situation than you have admitted to..

So you've arranged a play date with another child and then suddenly this woman 'pulls rank' and arranges a play date with the same child excluding yours? Surely it's the parent of the other child to refuse to break the first play date (with your child)? I mean ive never heard of this kind of hierarchy amongst mums outside of TV. It's as much the other parents fault for breaking the play dates as she is for trying to sabotage friendships with your son (and why would she want to do that)?

this is very strange - what does the teacher say? do they really play together in school?

I’m a little confused. How can she pull rank? Do you mean that you organised something and she deliberately organised a play date that clashed, and the other parents sent their kids to that one? Then it’s on the other parents as well for breaking an arrangement.

If they’re all like that then seek friendships for your child through clubs and the like.