Child being excluded by friend's parent

[RTchokeheart]

I feel so powerless in this situation. My primary-school aged DS is being excluded from play dates with his larger friendship group by the parent of his friend. The friend's parent is very pro-social and has connections with most other parents. When I tried to arrange a play date with other kids, she arranged an alternative play date and pulled rank. Her DS still plays with my DS at school, but pretends they aren't friends when his mum is around. I've never known my DS to hit, hurt, or be mean to another kid - this is the feedback I got from nursery and school as well. His friend loses his temper regularly, can be extremely unkind and falls out with other kids constantly. TBH, I was hoping the friendship would wane, but it seems as if we have the worst of both worlds, as he is still friends with the kid, but is being socially excluded by the parent. I don't really want my DS to spend time with these people, but he wants to see his friends outside of school and he cries about it. I feel so guilty.

That is really odd. Do you know the other child’s parents? Can you talk to them and ask what the problem is? The friend may have said something untrue about your child or your child may have done something you are unaware of 🤷‍♀️

The mum is in competition with you and you son. If it doesn't change, I'd look at changing school. What year is ds in ?

Find an out of school activity and encourage those friendships.

Surely this is in jest.

Absolutely serious. Primary school is such an important time for children to learn about friendships and socialisation, if OP's ds has no playdates at all due to this other mum, changing schools is the best option. Social isolation is incredibly harmful. Unless op thinks she can win the rest of the mums over.

I wouldn't consider that, because it is a lovely school. I am looking into setting up play dates with kids at his school who live further away, or enrolling him in a club. He never seems to be short of kids to play with in school, it's just being excluded from his nearest and core friendship group outside of school that really upsets him. I know this will pass, but it feels so unfair right now.

This.

Not to this level and some of it was social awkwardness from DS, a very clique area for locals and we were none locals and a few very nasty parents in DS year lead to some exclusion by parents though kids didn't usually go along in same way described here.

It was two form entry and got him moved to other class, he had siblings close in age and their friends were welcoming and found outside groups and activities so his social skills continued to develop. Later we moved away anyway and DS did much better.

This sounds very over the top from the other parent - and other than avoid and encourage other friendships not sure what to suggest - though as they age parental input into friendship does usually wane but this sounds very odd already.

Developing friendships outside of school as well as increasing play dates from a large range of school children will help.
Make the play dates small so they really get to know one another.
Depending on how old he is, I would probably be honest, some people are unkind and do unfair things and it’s better to choose friends that make you feel sad. If use it as a life lesson about friendships, ultimately they should make him feel better and happier, not miserable.

*That doesn’t make you feel sad

I'd organise playdates with other children so good they won't turn them down.
And make sure any that do happen are so bloody good, the child will be begging for more

How does she know when you've organised play dates with other children?

There's a number of things you can do here. First, keep trying with the other parents. Keep playdates on a 1-1 basis to minimise the chance of her finding out in advance and so the children get to know each other better. Second, organise playdates with other groups of children at the school. And also work on out-of-school friendships - clubs, neighbours' kids etc. - so your DS not only gains more experience socialising but also becomes more resilient to things going wrong with school friendships.

I think @PizzasAndCola has a point - while I don't think the situation merits a school move, I do think primary age is a really important age for kids to learn and hone social skills. Children and parents are more inclusive and tolerant and kids build their confidence from being exposed to a wide range of social situations (parties, playdates etc.). So I would definitely take it seriously if my DC was being excluded.

I am pretty sure that is what has happened. Either something untrue or something exaggerated. There have been other things that suggest this is the case. On some level his parents know what their DS is like; they have had a lot of issues with him, including lying. However, they tend to reframe his behaviour, or shoot the messenger. I don't think there is any point trying to discuss it with them and I think it is beyond smoothing things over. I am very angry at the level of vindictiveness towards my kid, who is only 6 years old.

I should also say that none of the kids involved have a problem with my DS; they all play with him in school and like him. He just isn't invited to the after school play dates. They all run past him together and wave and shout "bye bye" and go off to play together and then he is miserable.

can you invite other children over for a play? Go direct to one other parent and ask if they child wants to come. Or are you saying they would cancel or refuse because of this other parent?

I would have play dates lined up for the mort usual play date evenings - so he doesn’t just stand there as they run off together. It’s appalling - parent sponsored bullying.

I would let the school know this is happening too. It’s low level bullying. Exclusion is bullying.

There is a not a chance I would want my child with a toxic group like that op. pull out and be honest

She has an issue with you, rather than your DS, but is using him to get to you. Very spiteful

Primary is so bizarre. Dd1 was fairly uncomplicated but dd3 it was like this. She once asked if I could make friends with her friends’ mums so she would be invited - they’d be inseparable at weekends and go on holiday together. It was a child friendship group of 4 but Dd was rarely included in weekend stuff unless one mum arranged who always invited dd as well. They were so cliquey I had to explain to dd that I have friends and will be friendly but don’t want to spend weekends with them.

she’s now at secondary and stayed close to one of the girls (the one whose mum included her in stuff) but the other 2 went to a different school. I’ve heard a rumour they want to transfer to DD’s school which I’m hoping isn’t true!

Your child will be better off not seeing the strange child out of school hours. Just join an extra club involving new friends and then less pressure will be on the school friends to provide all and be a perfect group. Your child sounds lovely. One on one play dates can be nice too. The odd parents will possibly calm down or move away.

Success is the best revenge! Organise really fun much better play dates with the other parents. Never slag her off. Remain fun light and good company. Look to the sunlit uplands when the children age there’s sod all the parents can do about their friendship choices…

Why don’t you just have a group to yours? Or are you arranging that and it gets cancelled?

This isn’t going
to change
I’d definitely move him school before he starts to think it’s him

how can she pull rank and organise playdates at the same date?

You're being ridiculous. You can invite any child you wish to a playdate at your home, privately arranged with the other parent, or vice versa , and there's no way the other mother would even know (let alone, be able to interfere).

Get a new group, include all the other kids that are not invited. you can then move away from toxic mum and make new mum friends and encourage ds to bond with other nicer kids.
don’t bother trying to compete with this horrible mother, she is not worth. She is Hollow and shallow.

Op keep inviting children round. All the time. Once a week, get to know the other parents. Be kind and fun. The mum is a bully and what ever reason she has singled out your child. However I would guess it’s not the first child she has done this too and probably not the last.

Be social and confident and it will come good in the end.