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Original poster

Disinterested Grandparents

38 replies

Puzzledparent122 · 09/02/2023 21:29

I'm a father not a mother so I hope this thread is ok.

Has anyone else experienced this?

My parents have literally zero interest in our son.

Even when I take my 3.5 year old son to see them and say we're outside they answer that they're not feeling well come back in a few months time.

They live 65 miles away which is about a 1.25 hour drive.

My wife and I are getting to the point of being totally exasperated.

My wife's parents are truly amazing but live in Asia.

My mum has seen her grandson once in the last 39 months.

Am I justified in feeling enraged about this?

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MakeItADouble2 · 09/02/2023 21:32

I think it would be good if you shed more light on this.
Are they elderly/ ill? Do you not call before you make the journey? What are they like with other grandchildren and what were they like as parents to you?

Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 09/02/2023 21:37

In 70s but no health conditions of any sort.

That trip I told them that we'd be there every day the proceeding week to give them forewarning.

They seemed fine as parents growing up.

This is ever since Covid has come along they've tuned into hermits and no matter what I do they would break out of it.

If my sister and her family turn up to the door my dad will open the door tell them he's busy then close the door saying come back another time.

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Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 09/02/2023 21:37

*won't break out of it

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IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 09/02/2023 21:48

My husbands parents are very uninterested in our kids. Always have been. Much more invested in SILs kids (who are boys- ours are girls, this seems to be a factor). I was angry about it for a long time and I know it hurts DHs feelings, but we've stopped banging our head against the wall now. They're shit grandparents and it is what it is. Mine are good and we embrace that where we can. FWIW DH says his parents were totally normal parents when he was growing up, so it's all very weird. I'm sorry that you're going through this too. From talking to friends I gather it's more common than you'd think.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 09/02/2023 21:52

First thing that came to mind oddly is are they hoarders?

Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 09/02/2023 21:55

Omg how did you know that they're hoarders?

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Eastereggsboxedupready · 10/02/2023 20:26

Usually some physical reason guests /family are kept at the door!

saraclara · 10/02/2023 20:42

It's not about your child then, is it, if he's also turning away your sister and partner?

There's clearly a mental health issue going on, which is really worrying. But it's not something to take personally. Covid has really done a number on some people, and its pretty tragic if it's led to them completely isolating themselves from the world and their children..

What I would be concerned about is that only one of them has the MH issue and is controlling the other.

Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 11/02/2023 13:26

saraclara · 10/02/2023 20:42

It's not about your child then, is it, if he's also turning away your sister and partner?

There's clearly a mental health issue going on, which is really worrying. But it's not something to take personally. Covid has really done a number on some people, and its pretty tragic if it's led to them completely isolating themselves from the world and their children..

What I would be concerned about is that only one of them has the MH issue and is controlling the other.

Something clearly is right, I don't know whether to be understanding or annoyed about the whole thing.

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Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 11/02/2023 13:46

saraclara · 10/02/2023 20:42

It's not about your child then, is it, if he's also turning away your sister and partner?

There's clearly a mental health issue going on, which is really worrying. But it's not something to take personally. Covid has really done a number on some people, and its pretty tragic if it's led to them completely isolating themselves from the world and their children..

What I would be concerned about is that only one of them has the MH issue and is controlling the other.

*isn't

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RoseThornside · 11/02/2023 13:49

Have you tried suggesting a meeting outside their home? Maybe their hoarding has got so bad they can't have anyone in their house?

Thesharkradar · 11/02/2023 13:54

It sounds very upsetting but I think you should try not to take it personally, if they are hoardersthere is very little that you can do, they will be consumed and overwhelmed by their impulses and the results of their impulses (ie the fact that they are barricaded in by all their stuff)
I would just leave them to it in case you get roped in to deal with the hoard🤷

unfortunateevents · 11/02/2023 14:23

It sounds as if there are other issues going on, apart from just not being interested in your son. If they are hoarders they may be ashamed of their home on some level but also feel completely unable to do anything about it. If things are worse since COVID the hoarding issue may now also be joined by anxiety about the world, their health, proximity to people etc. What would happen if you invited them out to lunch or to come and visit you in your home?

Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 11/02/2023 15:31

It's not just the hoarding. They literally wont leave the house even for a walk on their own.

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Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 11/02/2023 15:50

unfortunateevents · 11/02/2023 14:23

It sounds as if there are other issues going on, apart from just not being interested in your son. If they are hoarders they may be ashamed of their home on some level but also feel completely unable to do anything about it. If things are worse since COVID the hoarding issue may now also be joined by anxiety about the world, their health, proximity to people etc. What would happen if you invited them out to lunch or to come and visit you in your home?

They're terrified of the world. If I invite them out for lunch etc they wouldn't even consider it.
It would be a flat no.

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Nimbostratus100 · 11/02/2023 15:53

sounds like something more fundamentally wrong than lack of interest in your gorgeous boy.

They clearly need help, but unlikely that you could make them accept it.

Very sad - can he have an online relationship with them at all?

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 11/02/2023 15:55

They aren't uninterested in your child, they are scared of the entire world. It's got nothing to do with a lack of interest in their grandchildren.

Agoraphobic hoarders need counselling and assistance. Saying you're going to visit them isn't going to make a dent.

(Disinterested means impartial. Uninterested means not interested)

808Kate1 · 11/02/2023 16:00

This is really sad, there's clearly something else going on here - probably mental health related and possibly only affecting one of them but the other is embarrassed about it. If they were 'normal' parents when you were growing up, it's pretty odd they are showing no interest in your little boy.

Apologies if suggested already, but could you invite them to come stay with you for a holiday? Could you maybe talk to one of them on their own to try and identify the issue.

Must be really difficult for you and your sister. We are very involved in our grandkids lives (although were are a few decades younger) and I think our own kids would be pretty devastated if we weren't.

808Kate1 · 11/02/2023 16:02

Also, as PP said, online might be a good start, try and introduce them to Zoom? Just being able to see you all on the screen could bring them a huge amount of joy, while not compromising whatever is going on in the background.

worried4698643 · 11/02/2023 17:30

I think your original post is really unfair given your updates.

They are clearly struggling, mental health, hoarding, fear from covid.

They sound like they need a great deal of support, rather than bashing their grandparenting.

Do they reach out over text or calls ?

Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 11/02/2023 20:15

worried4698643 · 11/02/2023 17:30

I think your original post is really unfair given your updates.

They are clearly struggling, mental health, hoarding, fear from covid.

They sound like they need a great deal of support, rather than bashing their grandparenting.

Do they reach out over text or calls ?

How do you give someone support if you they won't entertain you?

Even before Covid they weren't involved.

I think it's exasperation coming through on
my part.

They won't entertain video calls either.

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worried4698643 · 11/02/2023 20:23

Not wanted to do video calls is understandable if they are embarrassed of their surroundings.
Can you send regular photos, text regularly, call (not face time). Would they respond to that?

Original poster
Puzzledparent122 · 11/02/2023 20:27

worried4698643 · 11/02/2023 20:23

Not wanted to do video calls is understandable if they are embarrassed of their surroundings.
Can you send regular photos, text regularly, call (not face time). Would they respond to that?

If I send photos they never respond to them.

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Fundays12 · 11/02/2023 20:31

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 09/02/2023 21:48

My husbands parents are very uninterested in our kids. Always have been. Much more invested in SILs kids (who are boys- ours are girls, this seems to be a factor). I was angry about it for a long time and I know it hurts DHs feelings, but we've stopped banging our head against the wall now. They're shit grandparents and it is what it is. Mine are good and we embrace that where we can. FWIW DH says his parents were totally normal parents when he was growing up, so it's all very weird. I'm sorry that you're going through this too. From talking to friends I gather it's more common than you'd think.

We have the same situation but the in laws are not interested in our kids because they are boys. FIL isn’t really keen on kids at all now being in his house which i am ok with but MIL has her favourite granddaughters loadsand when she doesn’t have her spends the time she occasionally visits us telling us how much better, smarter, more beautiful etc her favourite is. It’s boring and hurtful as the reality is my dcs and the other grandkids are doing far better academically etc but that gets ignored.

My mum doesn’t do much care but plays with the kids and is loving to them when she sees them so me and dh are ok with that.

To the original poster do yourself a favour and stop trying. Your dc deserve better than that Lead by example and show them how not to be treated negatively by others

Noicant · 11/02/2023 20:34

No experience of this but could you try just being blunt and saying “obviously something is clearly wrong” or try adult social care. I’d be a bit worried about it, if they refuse to leave the house then they aren’t going to be attending healthcare appointments etc either.