Disinterested Grandparents

[Puzzledparent122]

I'm a father not a mother so I hope this thread is ok.

Has anyone else experienced this?

My parents have literally zero interest in our son.

Even when I take my 3.5 year old son to see them and say we're outside they answer that they're not feeling well come back in a few months time.

They live 65 miles away which is about a 1.25 hour drive.

My wife and I are getting to the point of being totally exasperated.

My wife's parents are truly amazing but live in Asia.

My mum has seen her grandson once in the last 39 months.

Am I justified in feeling enraged about this?

It sounds like they have serious MH problems. I have been through something similar. My father wouldn’t engage with us at all. In the end we made a safeguarding referral to adult social services. They were marvellous. I would suggest reposting for help in the Elderly Parents forum, there’s a mountain of wisdom over there. You won’t be able to fix it yourself, so don’t beat yourself up over it and don’t feel that it’s a reflection on you or your DS.

Many thanks,

The problem I have is I can't reason or talk logic to them especially my mum.

If I try and explain my concerns to them they become super defensive and aggressive.

It's all very stressful.

I'm going to try your advice.

Yeah it's not about your child or that they are disinterested grandparents. You've said they are the same with other people too so it's nothing personal.

Sounds like they have some serious mental health issues, caused/exacerbated by the pandemic. My inlaws were like this for a while, they did not leave the house/garden from Feb 2020 to Jan 2021 and nobody was allowed in either. Because they were 100% convinced that contact meant infection and infection meant death. They are a bit better now and are getting out and about but MIL still washes all the shopping, sanitises everything, changes clothes when she gets home.

If your parents already had issues with their mental health, the pandemic looks like it's tipped them over the edge. Not sure what you can do about it, tbh.

Your parents sound like a more extreme version of my mum. She will let people in, no problem, but she has not left her house in over a year, not even to the neighbours for coffee. Pre covid, she hated driving but would go down to the Tesco or across to the garden Center. At least she has caters so I know someone is in touch.

*carers

Yes sounds very similar. I'm at my wits end with it all.

Ps and the more they stay in the worse the whole situation becomes.

You should be worried about them and trying to help them not making it all about you

I would just leave them to it and focus on my own family unit, I don't think there's much you can do with hoarders 🤷

This is a clear case of them becoming Covid hermits, on top of their hoarding problem. They’re so stuck in all of that, it overrides the feelings most people would have for their children and grandchildren. Unfortunately you can’t fix this. I’m sorry that you’re in this very sad situation. As PPs suggested, since they won’t talk to you, a referral to adult social care is probably all you can do.
Ignore the nasty comment above that you’re making it all about you and should help them. You clearly can’t help them if they won’t talk to you.

“Ps and the more they stay in the worse the whole situation becomes.”

yes, this is true, but ultimately, you cannot do it for them.

first of all, stop trying to get their grandchildren over, they are not in the place for it now. Do they have any carers or cleaners to visit?

No carets or cleaners.

PS My relative worked professionally with people who have severe MH problems. The absolute most difficult to help were the serious hoarders. Everything that was done to help them had to be very slow and gradual so that they wouldn’t stop engaging with the service and carry on as before. There had to be planned, agreed, small changes. Even those were difficult to achieve and made the hoarders uncomfortable and reluctant to do more. Things like “we will move 2 bin bags of stuff into the garage” when the house was filled top to bottom with awful rubbish.(Suggesting throwing away is way too extreme an intervention). The hoarders would often agree, carry it out, then a few days later bring the bags back or open them and bring half the contents back into the house. Often the problem is never solved and on the hoarder’s death the relatives have a nightmare house clearance to do. And this is with intensive help from mental health professionals.
In OP’s parents’ case it’s made even worse by the hermit situation and the fact that they won’t talk to anyone. So please think twice before suggesting the OP helps them or gets help for them. Sometimes people will prevent anyone from helping them and the problem is insoluble.