Shocked by what my son was heard saying

[Sensibletrousers]

Not sure how to react to what my 9 yr old son’s teacher called me to tell me this afternoon. Would like some different perspectives please?

She told me that yesterday he was overheard saying quite loudly amongst friends (lunch break): “I’ll have sex with your mum” in a bantery way.

I’m shocked as although we aren’t a prudish family and he’s not babied, sex is not something we’ve talked to him about yet (we’ve taught our kids about consent from v young but in a general way rather than specifically re sex). He is young, he has anxiety and ADHD and tics (motor not words, so far), but he is also bright, funny, popular, sensitive and kind. It’s so out of character.

I asked him and he says he doesn’t remember exactly what he said, he doesn’t know where he got it from, or why it came out of his mouth. I explained that those are the three things we need to understand before we can move on.

I’m worried about where he heard that kind of thing. He only has access to YouTube Kids and we monitor it closely. He says he can’t remember if that’s where he heard it.

He has an older brother (13), who is Autistic and who does quite excitable online gaming in the bedroom next to DS9 so can be heard, but I don’t believe he would ever use language like that even in banter with his mates as it crosses a line I don’t think he would cross.

I assured the teacher that I’d discuss it with him and try to find out more. My first reaction after shock was worrying where he’s been exposed to language like that. I’ve since realised that the school may raise a safeguarding issue? Would that happen?

Am I over or under reacting?

What should we do now? He says he understands that it was inappropriate and he’s upset with himself. He’s scared of it happening again. Obviously I told him you must never use sex as a threat, and never talk about mums (or girls or women) like that.

WWYD?

I think you might be overreacting, in the nicest possible way.

‘Your mum’ jokes are definitely a thing - and I remember them in primary school, although maybe more like year 6 then year 4. I’d assume he’s heard it from an older sibling of a friend, or from his brother.

There’s no swearing and he probably doesn’t really know what it means so I don’t think it crosses a line.

My 9yo DSS would definitely say this. Its for shock value, boundary pushing.

I've found the best thing is to tell him firmly we don't say things like this and move on. Its a way of attention seeking.

op, I would imagine he’s heard this from another boy at school and is copying to be part of some laddish banter- I expect he doesn’t even really know what it really means -just an insult! Tell him it’s not ok to talk like this in your family and draw a line under it x

Yikes he's probably overheard this somewhere and repeating it thinking it will be a funny and popular thing to say. Just gently explain the issue and move on. He already has anxiety so I wouldn't make too much of it, it sounds like enough has been said already.

At 9 though perhaps it's time to talk about sex with him - when he knows exactly what it entails he might well stop saying he's going to do it with his friends mums!

Does his brother wear a headset because maybe he can hear the person playing with his brother ?

Also did you explain what sex is ? My kids picked up the word at school but stopped saying it when they found out what it meant.

Does he know what sex means? Or does he just think its something people say as a joke?

When I was a child I called my brother a bastard. I'd obviously heard the word somewhere and knew it was an insult. I think I assumed it was similar to calling him an idiot.

My God mother (who was babysitting is us) made me look the word up in the dictionary and decide if it applied to him. If it did she was happy for me to say it. If it didn't I had to apologise. (And I know it is used as an insult which isn't related to the original meaning. But my godmother wasn't happy with me saying it so knew I'd end up apologising)

Thank you all for your reassurance and advice. I do think he doesn’t understand what he was saying, so that’s where the focus needs to be from us isn’t it. We need to start talking to him about sex and relationships properly.

I’m probably “triggered” a little due to my own experiences around sex and aggression, and my main aim as a parent of two boys is to raise two decent men who do no harm, so things like this shake me a little!

God parenting is tricky!

100% hearing this at school. I’ve been dumbfounded by the words my 8 year old
has picked up and asked me to explain!

props to your godmother! She handled that beautifully IMO!

You are over thinking it. I remember boys at school saying whatever shocking thing they could think of at that time. They haven’t any understanding of what they are saying. Just tell him he isn’t to talk about sex at school at all.

If you haven't had a chat about sex, perhaps it's time. Then he might understand why he can't say things like that.

I know 9 seems young, but some girls get their first period at that age (a friend of mine did, and two other girls at school when I was that age!).

They are definitely starting to get curious at 9, so whilst you might not want to share everything, it could be a good time to start teaching him what the word means... before other kids tell him on the school playground (because they will!).

Yep @Sensibletrousers totally overthinking!

FWIW, I have an 8 year old with ADHD. We go through the mill, us ADHD parents. Until diagnosis (and beyond too, a lot of the time) we hear reports of bad behaviour thick and fast, every single day. Start to dread the beckoning finger at the end of the school day. The fear and anxiety that your child isn't meeting expectations. And our kids too get dozens more negative and corrective comments every day.

I think we lose sight of what's normal and react to everything. Forget that our kids are still kids and not everything is their condition. They are going to say and do stupid kid stuff, as well as having ADHD.

And "your mum" jokes are the thing. Add in some cheek about sex too, even without really understanding sex. Normal.

Seriously though, have a think about the impact of this stuff. I've talked with the school about the negative impact of hearing about every little thing that goes wrong and we've agreed that a not sweating the small/normal stuff approach works best for all of us. Best for my son, since kids with ADHD already experience an excess of self-esteem damaging criticism and correction. Best for me and my relationship the school.

Just tell him he isn’t to talk about sex at school at all.

^ this totally misses the point. OP has an opportunity which she is trying to make the best of in raising a boy not to turn into one of the many thousands of men who are inappropriate towards women, including under the guise of banter. You're not over reacting and I wish more boy mums were like you OP. I doubt safeguarding will be involved but if so you've nothing to hide and I'd focus on drip drip conversations with your son about the key themes.

Appreciate it @Isthisexpected , thank you

My son is 9. We’ve talked about sex. This is 100% something his classmates could and have previously said, along with much worse. Talk to him and explain it isn’t appropriate and encourage him to talk to you if he is hearing such things at school.

I absolutely don’t mean to criticise you when I say I think you’re overreacting, OP. I think the fact you’re so mindful of your sons as future men when you think of their behaviour is so important, and is a laudable approach even as it causes you more worry. But I do think that if you focus too much on this it could become a ‘thing’ which wouldn’t necessarily be helpful.

A discussion on sex and relationships would be wise I think, as others have said. If nothing else because it’ll make sex ed less awkward. My (Irish Catholic) mum told me nothing about sex and man I felt like such an idiot in sex ed.

Yes but he doesn’t seem to be a 9 year old capable of taking in the magnitude of what the OP is saying at the moment. So instead now she can give them both a break and simply explain that sex is a totally inappropriate topic for school playground and is not a joke. That they will be discussing this further as he matures. There is no point going in to a level of detail that few 9 year olds can fully appreciate. He doesn’t know what he is saying now and he has admitted that.

He probably heard it on the playground from another kid at school, maybe an older kid. Some crazy statistic like 25% of kids have seen porn by the time they leave primary school.

'Your mum' jokes are a widespread genre sadly. Make him aware you know that but that you don't consider it acceptable, or get a man (Dad?) to tell him even better.

Just wanted to say kudos to you, OP, for wanting to bring up your boys to become decent men who do no harm. You sound like a great mum. X

Ahh, little boys have been making mum jokes for decades. It's part of the child-gobshite-adult cycle.

I had sex with your mum was always a comeback.

OP I don't think you are over reacting, it's great that you're trying to get ahead of this.

Sorry I don't have any helpful advice but I came to say it sounds like you're doing a great job of raising two little boys who will have respect for women and girls.

Christ I had talked to my children about sex and given them age appropriate books much younger than this. Your problem may be that he doesn’t understand what he is saying. You need to get on this asap.

I think you’re over reacting and he’s heard ‘your mum’ jokes at school. I’d give him a firm telling off and make it clear it’s unacceptable and I’d also make sure the teacher pulls him up (and others) if she hears them talking like that again. I really don’t think it’s a safe guarding issue!!! I’d start preparing yourself now for teenage years 😬