Daughters mother just mentally broke and dumped her at my door .

[polarbomber]

What should i do ? I have a 13 year old daughter who suffers from emetophobia , fear of vomiting etc , this has led to panic attacks and fear of getting the bus to school . She always phones me every night saying she feels sick and i have to talk to her till she falls asleep . A boy vomited on the school bus and she took a panic attack . Then she could not get the bus as she feels sick , i would sit and text her back and forth till the bus ride was over . She is very bright and works hard at her school work , she does not vape , drink or do anything you wouldnt want your child to do .Recently she has started waking up at 4 am and phoning me that she feels sick , this can be food poisioning , brain cancer , any other disease . I would say that she has been doing this for 2 years now .
Last night she phoned me at 4 am claiming she had appendicitis , its just her thoughts in her head . She woke her mum up as she has done nearly every night for the last few years . Her mum suddenly broke , could not take it anymore and i had to drive half way across the country to collect my daughter . Her mother was totally distraught but could take no more .
Its now 4 hours later , i live 2 hours away from her school , she has a bag of clothes and that is it .
I have had her on the CAHMS waiting list since last summer 2022 .
I do not know what to do , what do i tell the school , who should i phone for advice ?? HELP

Tell the school what's going on. They may be able to offer some advice.

There should be an attendance officer for the school. It sounds like your daughter is having problems travelling to school but fine once there. Maybe they can officer some other solutions?

Your daughter also needs help to manage her anxiety. Take her to the doctor to impress again the issues she's trying to deal with. There may be some CBT options available. I'm not sure if you could afford private sessions but that may be worth investigating.

Also talk to her mother. Maybe there is something you can do to help her, so she is more able to getting back to supporting your daughter, as before.

I would phone the school and let them know what's happened, and then I would just keep her with you for a few days. Her mum may feel better able to cope with a couple of unbroken nights' sleep. Then you can discuss a plan together.

Yes, definitely call the school office as soon as they're open. In all honesty, I don't know what 'solutions' they're going to be able to offer if your daughter's mother, who is the one who lives local to the school, is refusing to have her at home and you live two hours away. But yes, tell them what is going on, because you don't want an unauthorised absence on top of everything else. Does your ex suffer with mental health problems, or can she just not cope with your daughter's?

So you love half way across the country from your daughter? Your ex is obviously overburdened and needs more support from you in RL.

Def phone school for advice.,has she had private counselling/therapy?

Can you pay for private therapy? Phobia therapy is actually pretty effective. CAMHS will keep you waiting forever so if you can go private that will likely help.

How often do you have your daughter considering how far away you live away?

The mother sounds overwhelmed, I am sure there is a lot more she has to put up with living with her DD daily.

Yiur poor DD. My 12 year old daughter has emetophobia and so I absolutely understand what you are going through. Left untreated it is a devastating condition that impacts everyone around the sufferer.

My advice would be don't wait for CAHMS. Buy the Emetophobia Manual by Ken Goodman and start working through the programme with her yourself. It is very, very hard but it isn't complicated. I did this myself when DD"s condition spiralled out of control just over a year ago and she was unable to function at all - school was completely unthinkable for her.

Following the programme we got her back to school in around 8 weeks and fully functioning and enjoying normal life again within around 4 months. Her emetophobia is still there but it doesn't control her any more, and I'm hopeful over time she will improve even more.

I do feel for you, it's awful, but there is hope.

My 15 year old is home schooled because off asd and a lot of anxiety based problem's. So I sympathise alot with you. Although once I manage to get her asleep she does sleep well. Maybe after a good few days of unbroken sleep ,her mum may be able to have her back home . It sounds very stressful for you both. I would call the school and keep her home for the rest of the week . Maybe see if they can send some work online .
And definitely try and get a gp appointment . Maybe they can fast track some help .

BTW my daughter is also extremely bright and just an absolutely lovely girl. In my experience this is typically with emetophobia - it's the clever over thinkers who seem particularly vulnerable. It's also surprising common - I think it affects 1 to 2% of the population and it more common in females.

Oh an on a practical level - yes, call the school and explain.

We’re out of the UK but we have to go private and just got an appointment tomorrow! Will cost me a fortune but don’t care. My daughter is similar minus the vomit stuff. I get the mum breakdown. Had a bit of the other day when I had to pick her up from school as she was positive a boy was plotting to kill her. This was after she thought she could be a murderer because of a dream she had. She’s also my second with mental health issues. It’s so so draining. Love my kids to death but I wonder how we got here some days. Talk to the school and talk to her mum and see if there’s any help she can get for support.

I would stop being so available to her . Constantly taking phone calls at silly o'clock in the morning , texting a whole bus journey doesn't help anyone . Her problems aren't going to kill her and she may devise her own coping mechanisms. You can't help her if you are both exhausted. Her mum has reached the end of the line and you don't want to be ill either .
Not everyone can pay for private help but can you take her to a child psychologist even for an initial assessment and guidance not necessarily regular sessions . Good luck it doesn't sound easy .

Oh wow this sounds so difficult for you all.

my First step would be to call the school and let them know what is happening. Have they supported much so far? Maybe ask what support they can provide regarding getting your daughter to school and her phobia in general. I would let them know she is likely to be off school for the week because her mum needs a rest. Then maybe plan what her return to school will look like or ask for a meeting about help with her return.

Then I would call CAMHS and be very pushy. However as someone else said I would consider going private for mental health support if this is an option.

Then just give your daughter and her mum a break for a few days. Your DD needs to know she will be going back to schoolbut maybe a few days of respite is needed for them both. I think maybe a plan of support going forward would be useful. Eg can you do overnights to support ex a couple of times a week? Or is there anyone else who can support so her mum doesn’t get to breaking point again.

I was very much like this as an adolescent and teenager. It took me a long time to be okay as I didn't have the support.

I didn't have a particular phobia, but really high anxiety and always thought I was going to die etc.

As I got to adulthood I realised I'd been abused and neglected. I didn't realise at the time because it was my normal and I didn't know any different. Has anything happened to make your DD this afraid?

Firstly you need to speak to the school, get some good advice. I would take her back to your house until Sunday to give her mum a break (we can just snap, exhaustion breaks us) and try self help, lots of options on Amazon- whilst we think of professionals having the answers, with many mental health problems they are actually guiding us through the process of helping ourselves - I'm not saying you never need to see someone but it's worth trying at her age, adult resources are fine. (My dd has had good experiences with some self help strategies)

Z

Please don't do this (stop taking her calls). It would be incredibly cruel to your daughter. She is not in control of her behaviour. Treat the underlying problem, not the symptom.

Regrettably in the UK now (and in 2015 when my dd was ill) MH support for young people comes last to everything else. GPs don't help much, CAMHS makes excuses for not helping and assesses until the cows come home to cover their tender botties against suicide.

You have to pay. There is no alternative if you want your dd to recover. You find a child psychiatrist privately who will be able to recommend the correct course of action. It is expensive but against a destroyed future, worth spending or raising the money for even if you have to remortgage.

To add - do not even consider getting help from anyone who is not very experienced in the treatment of emetophobia. It is a very specific condition that needs specific treatment. In the UK, the leading expert is Prof. David Veale in London.

Your poor daughter, she's obviously really suffering with anxiety. Please be very,very tolerant of her she needs love and support.

School may be able to provide counselling for her but she will need to be at school to access it. Her mother obviously needs more help and support. Perhaps you could keep her with you for a week and then agree that she will stay with her mum during the week and go to school and you will have her at the weekends?

Can you afford for her to see someone privately about this? Unfortunately the NHS is not fit for purpose and she really needs help now. Give her loads and loads of love.

You have to pay. There is no alternative if you want your dd to recover. You find a child psychiatrist privately who will be able to recommend the correct course of action. It is expensive but against a destroyed future, worth spending or raising the money for even if you have to remortgage.

This is 100% true, sadly. CAHMS will almost certainly not be able to help. The viable alternative (which is the route I took) was to take two months off work and follow a proper treatment plan with DD myself. I had no choice because even going privately there was a long wait to see someone with the right expertise.

Ignore this advice. Your daughter needs your help and support.

My brother went through a very similar time , although he was about 17/18 at the time . He thought he was going to die , ending up hardly moving from bed it was a really rough time . He was always begging my Mum to take him to hospital because he thought he had cancer , was having a heart attack etc. His anxiety about everything was horrific.

I had moved out by this point so can't remember how long it went on for , but he ended up being diagnosed with ADHD and Autism.

I hope you all get the support you need.

I would today start teaching her basic relaxation techniques. I was taught these 30 years ago when a teen by a nurse and still use them regularly. You can Google yoga Nidra and find loads of them. They basically talk you relaxing each part of your body. Do one that lasts 30 mins. Do it twice a day while she is with you you can do it together to begin with then encourage her to do it on her own.
Also relaxation breathing techniques. I had terrible panic attacks and anxiety as a teen and these were a total game changer. You also need to get some specialist counselling but you can do both.

Some of what you describe sounds a lot like intrusive thoughts, which can be a form of OCD.
Like thinking she's a murderer because she had a dream about it.
Contact school.
Contact CAHMS - personally I have had very helpful contact with CAHMS and the wait where I live only seems to be a few weeks.
OCD is anxiety based and you don't help your child by constant reassurance or avoiding the trigger. But you do need to go about this the right way. It may be different for dealing with phobias so you do need to know what you're dealing with first.

My DD had a phobia of vomit too. We ended up getting her CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) privately. Don't wait, find a therapist local to you and get her seen. They honestly can and will help her.