Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Daughters mother just mentally broke and dumped her at my door .

43 replies

polarbomber · 08/02/2023 07:22

What should i do ? I have a 13 year old daughter who suffers from emetophobia , fear of vomiting etc , this has led to panic attacks and fear of getting the bus to school . She always phones me every night saying she feels sick and i have to talk to her till she falls asleep . A boy vomited on the school bus and she took a panic attack . Then she could not get the bus as she feels sick , i would sit and text her back and forth till the bus ride was over . She is very bright and works hard at her school work , she does not vape , drink or do anything you wouldnt want your child to do .Recently she has started waking up at 4 am and phoning me that she feels sick , this can be food poisioning , brain cancer , any other disease . I would say that she has been doing this for 2 years now .
Last night she phoned me at 4 am claiming she had appendicitis , its just her thoughts in her head . She woke her mum up as she has done nearly every night for the last few years . Her mum suddenly broke , could not take it anymore and i had to drive half way across the country to collect my daughter . Her mother was totally distraught but could take no more .
Its now 4 hours later , i live 2 hours away from her school , she has a bag of clothes and that is it .
I have had her on the CAHMS waiting list since last summer 2022 .
I do not know what to do , what do i tell the school , who should i phone for advice ?? HELP

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 08/02/2023 08:12

Health anxiety is awful, and so is watching your child go through it. Sounds like you have been as supportive as possible and i expect mum has too. Hopefully after a day or two she will feel better. Could you take dd more often to give mum some respite?

Hope that you find some professional help for dd soon, I can't see her overcoming this on her own.

knittingaddict · 08/02/2023 08:25

No idea if the op sees their child often or not, but why do people keep going on about the distance. 2 hours away isn't that far.

XJerseyGirlX · 08/02/2023 08:28

Telephone the school and get them to email the work. Sought some CBT counselling for her too.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds Families General parenting
OpalexBlonde · 08/02/2023 08:28

knittingaddict · 08/02/2023 08:25

No idea if the op sees their child often or not, but why do people keep going on about the distance. 2 hours away isn't that far.

The OP was the one who brought it up, as if they think it is far.

BigFeelingsMoment · 08/02/2023 08:29

hattie43 · 08/02/2023 07:40

I would stop being so available to her . Constantly taking phone calls at silly o'clock in the morning , texting a whole bus journey doesn't help anyone . Her problems aren't going to kill her and she may devise her own coping mechanisms. You can't help her if you are both exhausted. Her mum has reached the end of the line and you don't want to be ill either .
Not everyone can pay for private help but can you take her to a child psychologist even for an initial assessment and guidance not necessarily regular sessions . Good luck it doesn't sound easy .

Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you shouldn’t withdraw kindness and support from your seriously unwell child.

OpalexBlonde · 08/02/2023 08:30

How much do you see your DD, OP? How much support does mum have? Does she get time for herself? She sounds completely burnt out already.

Does your DD need a break from school, is it making things worse? Does she have any problems with school or friendships? Has ASD been considered at any point?

BigFatLiar · 08/02/2023 08:33

OpalexBlonde · 08/02/2023 08:28

The OP was the one who brought it up, as if they think it is far.

Show quote history

It is far if you want to take them back and forward to school each day or have them pop over for tea when mums out.

PotKettel · 08/02/2023 08:33

Your poor dd. It sounds like a cry for help - phoning you in the night etc.

Loads of kids went through hell during lockdown. If her mum has broken down, there is obviously a lot going on behind the scenes. Are you really aware of what is going on? how long have you been apart from your ex?

These MH problems come from somewhere.

Don’t forget you can claim Parental leave (unpaid) and this might be a good time to use it. Talk to her mum and organise a joint conversation school with complete honesty. If your dd cannot cope with mainstream school and you cannot afford private therapy, are there options for you to homeschool etc.

Amortentia · 08/02/2023 08:44

hattie43 · 08/02/2023 07:40

I would stop being so available to her . Constantly taking phone calls at silly o'clock in the morning , texting a whole bus journey doesn't help anyone . Her problems aren't going to kill her and she may devise her own coping mechanisms. You can't help her if you are both exhausted. Her mum has reached the end of the line and you don't want to be ill either .
Not everyone can pay for private help but can you take her to a child psychologist even for an initial assessment and guidance not necessarily regular sessions . Good luck it doesn't sound easy .

This is such incredibly bad advise. Do not do this to a child who is in the grip of a sever phobia. It can be hard to manage day to day when the phobia takes over and I feel for your Dds mum, she’s probably exhausted. Cognitive Behavioural Thearpy can be very affective in helping someone with sever phobia and I’d seek out someone who can help you. I have a child who was fourtunate to get seen by CAHMS and they worked wonders. I know they’re under pressure but I’d be chasing them up.

strawberry2017 · 08/02/2023 08:48

Also have a little more compassion for your ex, saying she dumped her at your doorstep is harsh. She's as much your responsibility as she is your ex's.
It sounds like she needs some rest and support too, living with someone who has a condition such as this is mentally and physically exhausting. Broken sleep every single night is awful.

knittingaddict · 08/02/2023 09:08

OpalexBlonde · 08/02/2023 08:28

The OP was the one who brought it up, as if they think it is far.

Show quote history

Well it's too far for a school run every day, but others seem to be implying that he doesn't see his child much. He may not, but it's not a foregone conclusion.

knittingaddict · 08/02/2023 09:10

My sympathy is with the child and her mother though. I should have added that.

Wonder if op will be back to tell us more

knittingaddict · 08/02/2023 09:16

Hmm. Having reread the op, describes a 2 hour journey as half way across the country, which it definitely is not. Maybe you are all right to ask questions.

We facilitate a child relative's contact and that is a minimum of twice a month and is 3 hours away. We meet half way. It's not fun, but perfectly doable.

Soakitup37 · 08/02/2023 09:54

Op your post was quite interesting as it resonated with me for I was like your daughter at a similar age, couldn’t sleep without my father there, I was sick and would get panic attacks sleeping anywhere that wasn’t my own bed, I would feel sick before bed every night.

it all kicked off from my parents divorcing at aged 8, it took a long time for my parents to realise the link but once we knew what triggered it I was able to get on top of it and grew out of the panic attacks around 14, it took some battles, inc going to a social weekend away to push through the barrier of staying somewhere else without contact with my father, but it was the thing that helped the most, it’s a bit of a face the fear tact, the panic attacks are scary but if you can help her push past this then you can give her the tools to better manage her pa herself.

it doesn’t help with the matter of schooling from
your location etc I appreciate that but just wanted to offer some thoughts from the pov of having been exactly where your daughter is now.

RosaDeInvierno · 08/02/2023 10:02

Beamur · 08/02/2023 08:06

Some of what you describe sounds a lot like intrusive thoughts, which can be a form of OCD.
Like thinking she's a murderer because she had a dream about it.
Contact school.
Contact CAHMS - personally I have had very helpful contact with CAHMS and the wait where I live only seems to be a few weeks.
OCD is anxiety based and you don't help your child by constant reassurance or avoiding the trigger. But you do need to go about this the right way. It may be different for dealing with phobias so you do need to know what you're dealing with first.

You have been very lucky, we waited for CAHMS for about 6 years... and still got no help

BigFatLiar · 08/02/2023 10:20

knittingaddict · 08/02/2023 09:16

Hmm. Having reread the op, describes a 2 hour journey as half way across the country, which it definitely is not. Maybe you are all right to ask questions.

We facilitate a child relative's contact and that is a minimum of twice a month and is 3 hours away. We meet half way. It's not fun, but perfectly doable.

In the UK 2hrs travel could be half across the country, could be from one side to the other.

If your travelling half of three hours it's still less than two.

Try not to read to much into the post, his ex was struggling and he drove the two hours to collect his daughter when he was probably expecting to be asleep, so is probably a but grumpy. It's not a contest to see who's most entitled to be exasperated. If his daughter is constantly contacting him for support she obviously doesn't see him as a bad dad, a deadbeat.

Mum probably needs a break and he may be a bit miffed at having the situation dumped on him without consultation but sometimes life just goes like that.

knittingaddict · 08/02/2023 14:18

Well he/she hasn't come back, so who knows. The op is obviously desperate for our help, or not.

Tirednest · 08/02/2023 14:20

hattie43 · 08/02/2023 07:40

I would stop being so available to her . Constantly taking phone calls at silly o'clock in the morning , texting a whole bus journey doesn't help anyone . Her problems aren't going to kill her and she may devise her own coping mechanisms. You can't help her if you are both exhausted. Her mum has reached the end of the line and you don't want to be ill either .
Not everyone can pay for private help but can you take her to a child psychologist even for an initial assessment and guidance not necessarily regular sessions . Good luck it doesn't sound easy .

This.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread