Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Child maintenance husband wants custody

49 replies

aishaali · 06/02/2023 17:35

I asked my ex to transfer me some child maintenance for the kids and he said I’m an unfit mother who can’t afford to provide for my kids myself. He says he has screenshots from me previously feeling upset and not being able to cope with the kids because he’s divorcing me. I used to say I’m depressed that he’s gone and I can’t cope with the kids so he says he will use that against me in court and take full custody. The thing is he only sees the kids once or twice a week as it is so I don’t know why he wants full custody just because I’m chasing him for child maintenance. Will the courts take the kids off me cos what I’ve said in the past? Am I being an unfit mother for chasing him for child maintenance money?? I do work and have universal credit however since he barely sees the kids and doesn’t buy anything for them and has a really good income with no debts or rent to pay I feel he should be paying something. Should I just be providing myself instead of asking him for money?

OP posts:
Can2022getanyworse · 06/02/2023 17:39

I'd bet myy house he's not going for full residency.

CMS, first thing in the morning.

Danikm151 · 06/02/2023 17:40

UC doesn’t factor in child maintenance payments so if you can get that extra help to support your children there is nothing stopping you.
custody is an american thing- he’s having you on

SpinningFloppa · 06/02/2023 17:40

Stop asking just contact cms…

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law General parenting Relationship problems
Soonenough · 06/02/2023 17:43

What a chancer. Call his bluff. Do not let him intimidate you. If he will not willingly provide a reasonable amount, he will be made to do so by CMS . And no , your children would not be taken off you on his say so.

PeekAtYou · 06/02/2023 17:45

The most he'll get is 50%. No CM payable but it'll hopefully mean more chance to work and less outgoings.

RandomMess · 06/02/2023 17:46

If he earns a lot more than you then you can be awarded CMS even with 50:50.

It sounds like he's trying to bully you into not claiming maintenance from him. Ignore and use CMS.

Soothsayer1 · 06/02/2023 17:48

He doesnt want full custody he's just saying whatever comes into his head that will make you feel stressed & threatened.
I would keep a record of all correspondence, then stop engaging with him at all and get a formal agreement with CMS in place

TheVanguardSix · 06/02/2023 17:52

Not at all will your children be removed. It’s all sabre rattling! And courts have seen and heard it all. There’s an emotionally fatiguing and draining aspect to family breakdowns that is just par for the course. You feeling fragile, broken, fed up, and being skint is just part of being alive! You certainly aren’t a bad parent. You’ve been through a major trauma. So has your ex (though he’s in denial). So have your children. Of course you’re depressed (or have been in the past). It’s not exactly a day pass to Disneyland and the courts know this. My ex did the same thing. He took me to court to gain sole custody and I was terrified. But one thing it did teach me was that kids are not removed from their resident parent just because mum was broken after a family/marital breakdown. Your kids are loved and safe and fed and clothed and watered and attending school… your ex is just being a vindictive bastard throwing good money after bad, dragging you to court over nonsense. The court fees alone could go towards his children’s needs. A judge will see right through this. CAFCASS too.

He has PR! He needs to financially support his kids.

LittleLegoWoman · 06/02/2023 17:56

I recognize your username OP. So I know the backstory from your other threads.
Child maintenance is covered by UK law. It’s based on the non resident parents income, and adjusted to take into account nights (not days. Nights) where the children are in the care of the non resident parent.
If he’s being difficult, stop talking to him about it and just go through the CMS (child maintenance service). He will have to pay significantly more (I think it’s 20%?) and you will lose a much smaller percentage (4%). That money is used by the CMS to cover their running costs and also acts as motivation foe parents to work things out fairly.
You may run into problems if your ex is self employed or employed in a family business where they can make his income look really low. That will affect the amount of maintenance you are entitled to unfortunately.
You may also run into issues proving that the kids live with you all the time/most of the time. As I understand it, if he isn’t honest about that then you have to go through family court and get a child arrangement order, where a judge signs off on an official split of contact time. Then CMS will base their calculation on that.
That’s a basic idea of how the legal side of things works.
You could perhaps also ask the imam about the religious obligations to your children (in terms of financial support)when you meet about the religious divorce. I’m not well placed to advise you on that avenue, but others on mumsnet will be.

LittleLegoWoman · 06/02/2023 17:59

UK family court would never grant him full custody unless you were unfit to parent according to social services. From your previous threads you sound like you are more than capable - you run everything in your household and have a job. He can’t just claim your unfit. There has to be evidence. There isn’t any.

soboredtonight · 06/02/2023 18:07

They all say this when it's CMS time.

Mine said he wanted 50 50. When I moved out how I laughed, he couldn't even manage a full weekend.

It's literally all about not wanting to pay.

I guarantee it.

ScottChegg · 06/02/2023 18:08

They always say this shit, it's like they learn it from a manual.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 06/02/2023 18:13

Exactly what @LittleLegoWoman said. Also raise this with the Imam when you have your divorce meeting, he needs to be providing for his children.

soboredtonight · 06/02/2023 18:32

Try not to worry about it op and please at least call them CMS to register your claim in the morning

Noicant · 06/02/2023 18:36

I’d be like “great I’ll drop them off tomorrow” 🙄.

Yeah stop communicating with him, he’s angry he needs to provide for his own kids and is trying to make you feel shit for not just shutting up and getting on with it.

Wibblewibble1 · 06/02/2023 18:43

He will not get full custody, and frankly he sounds like he doesn’t even want this. He is using this to scare you into dropping payments. Contact CMS and let them take care of it. Unless your texts are about the kids please don’t text or reply to anything else .

Wibblewibble1 · 06/02/2023 18:44

And save the nasty text he sent you in case it goes to court in the future…

Original poster
aishaali · 06/02/2023 19:24

What does full custody mean?? Does it mean I lose my parental responsibility? If he is granted full custody, can he stop me seeing the kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
aishaali · 06/02/2023 19:30

Wibblewibble1 · 06/02/2023 18:43

He will not get full custody, and frankly he sounds like he doesn’t even want this. He is using this to scare you into dropping payments. Contact CMS and let them take care of it. Unless your texts are about the kids please don’t text or reply to anything else .

What does full custody mean??

OP posts:
rainyalan · 06/02/2023 19:33

The most he would ever get is 50/50 if you are no harm to your children. He's trying to gaslight you for not asking for maintenance. Is he self employed?

Original poster
aishaali · 06/02/2023 19:34

rainyalan · 06/02/2023 19:33

The most he would ever get is 50/50 if you are no harm to your children. He's trying to gaslight you for not asking for maintenance. Is he self employed?

No he’s employed. My worry is he is making me look unfit by screenshotting my old messages which said I was depressed about the divorce and couldn’t cope with the kids, but that was at the time he first called divorce. Does full custody take away my PR?

OP posts:
cptartapp · 06/02/2023 19:36

Tell him in all seriousness you'd be glad of the break, you feel it would be good for you and for him to crack on.
He'll run a mile.

HirplesWithHaggis · 06/02/2023 19:37

You won't lose pr.

SleepWhenAmDead · 06/02/2023 19:40

One parent can have full custody and both retain PR if they are fit parents.

considerablycuntierthanyou · 06/02/2023 19:41

Your children's father should be providing financially for his offspring. It's as simple as that - and he doesn't want to do it because he's a dickhead. Apply direct to CMS. they will calculate the correct amount and add backdated CMS from when you split up.

No judge will award 100% residency to one parent over the other without strong evidence from a social worker investigation.

Swipe left for the next trending thread