Child maintenance husband wants custody

[aishaali]

I asked my ex to transfer me some child maintenance for the kids and he said I’m an unfit mother who can’t afford to provide for my kids myself. He says he has screenshots from me previously feeling upset and not being able to cope with the kids because he’s divorcing me. I used to say I’m depressed that he’s gone and I can’t cope with the kids so he says he will use that against me in court and take full custody. The thing is he only sees the kids once or twice a week as it is so I don’t know why he wants full custody just because I’m chasing him for child maintenance. Will the courts take the kids off me cos what I’ve said in the past? Am I being an unfit mother for chasing him for child maintenance money?? I do work and have universal credit however since he barely sees the kids and doesn’t buy anything for them and has a really good income with no debts or rent to pay I feel he should be paying something. Should I just be providing myself instead of asking him for money?

So if I’m deemed unfit with my text messages saying I can’t cope I can lose PR? The thing is I’ve already told him if he’s desperate to have kids come live with him then I’ll allow it and I know at the back of my mind he will soon return them back cos his not a hands on dad. But he said he won’t just take them to live with him unless he gets full custody granted from the courts and I lose my custody and rights

You won’t lose your rights or custody of your kids due to a couple of text messages. I really wouldn’t worry. He’s just calling your bluff because he doesn’t want to pay maintenance

Removal of PR is vanishingly rare.

It pretty much only happens when a child is adopted.

You wontt be deemed unfit for expressing your upset or not coping on texts.

Social workers would be involved if you were unfit as I guess he'd have reported these concerns. If there was anything in them.

Being upset at the breakup and not coping initially mentally is what a lot of people go through when they are re adjusting.

If you are looking after your kids, parenting them, doing what you should be then there is nothing but his opinion and that's all it is. His opinion. Trying to scare you away from the cms.

I also agree he is trying to scare you away from
claiming maintenance for the children.
if he believed you were an unfit parent, he would be taking the matter to court, not texting threatening you.

I'm So angry on your behalf because I have been there.

My ex said he wanted 50 50 as he didn't want to pay maintenance. I left. He never mentioned it again.

He went self employed and didn't and doesn't pay CMS. That's a whole other thread.

He is trying to bully you and scare you with what he thinks you will believe.

Tell him to get fucked and do what he likes.

Make an appointment with the citizens advice and put your mind at rest.

Call to e CMS in the morning.

Honestly op this is just another script these fuckers use like the affair one.

I know we are all ransoms on the internet but many of us have lived this.

Tomorrow for your own peace of mind, see the citizens advice or make an appointment and at least calm the CMS.

We can't all be telling you the wrong thing if we are all saying the same thing.

Please don't take his word for fuck all because he's out for himself not your children.

What a wanker.
I work in the family courts, nobody would be deemed unfit for a few text messages, if you were unfit, social services would be involved and your children on a child protection plan. Full custody doesn't exist in the uk, it's a child arrangements order which sets out what days and times each parent has. He has no intention of going to court, honestly, this is such a cliche. Ignore, don't even reply, CMS for the child maintenance and tell him to away and shite.

Oh and FWIW my ex said he'd go for "Full custody" and that he'd take me to court for it. 13.5 years later I'm still waiting to hear when that hearing will be

My ex actually tried this. Showed screenshots of my messages saying I couldn't cope and could he please help me when I was distressed. It completely backfired and they were more concerned about his response to the mother of his child being upset and saying she's struggling was 'you need to deal with it'. Honestly, take him to csa and stop worrying.

He doesn't want custody, he just wants you to shut up.

Put in a claim and let CMS deal with it.

Stop panicking

Think of a fair agreement.
50/50 such have one week each, split holidays
Or
Half the week each (don't know this distance between you)
Or
2 weeks each
Or
All weekends for him and you in the week or visa versa

Decide what you think will be the best option not for you and him but for the kids and put that to him

Do all communication via text/email so you have a paper trail

Family law tutor here. No way in hell would a text or 2 saying you can't cope or whatever mean you lose your kids!! Under any circumstances!! Ignore the manipulative abusive tosser. If he likes having the kids all the time then tell him great you're going away for a few days so how about tomorrow evening? And they all need new shoes and haircuts incidentally...and watch him run a mile.

He is obliged to pay you a percentage of his income via the child maintenance service. If he wanted to drag you through the courts to get 50 50 custody he would need to get an order to this effect and then he wouldn't be paying maintenance but then he'd actually have to look after his own kids. And that sounds like it would be a bit much for him with him being a tosser and all that

No they absolutely will not use what you said in text messages as evidence. He's a nob

He sounds spiteful and he is trying to scare you/ bully you. The kids will not be taken out of your custody because of a text you sent. Don't engage with him when he sends you nasty messages. I would advise to apply through child maintenance

@aishaali please seek legal advice.

You've been advised to do this repeatedly on your other threads.

You seem very very naive about how marriage, divorce and custody work and the best way to educate yourself on your specific situation is to speak to a solicitor or CAB.

As a poster above said, if he pulls out some screenshots in court to 'prove' you're an unfit mother the judge will completely ignore him- or may well ask directly why he has not tried harder to support the mother of his children if she was finding things hard. He would need to go to mediation first anyway, it would take months and lots of money for him to even get 50 50 custody - you don't just get to storm into court and claim your children back triumphantly from the other parent.

He's a total shit, clearly. Congratulations on divorcing him, you will not regret it.

He's talking utter shite. I have been through the family courts for years. Believe me, he's got no chance. Apply to CMS tomorrow and minimise contact.

Exactly this. You need to get yourself informed (and empowered). Get yourself an appointment with your local Citizens Advice team ASAP.

If you talk to the CMS and get some advice from either a solicitor (a lot do a free half hour) or the citizens advice you will feel a lot less worried because they will all tell you what we are saying.

How do you think we all can advise on this? Because most of us advising have been in the same or a similar position.

Make the call, make the appointment and see what they say. It will 100000% put your mind at ease.

Agree going to the CAB would be a good idea. You sound as if you are used to being intimidated by him. To give you an idea- most murderers don't lose PR. So his incredible gotcha text messages certainly aren't going to achieve that.

Of course you won't lose your parental rights!!! They are virtually impossible to lose. Domestic abusers in prison usually retain theirs.

Custody doesn't even exist anymore either. This is all bullying, nothing more.

My ex says the EXACT same things to me. Not a chance he would go for full custody. Imagine how much that would change his life?
It's not worth the worry and even if he did spend all of his money taking you to court, chances are slim a judge would take kids away from mother. It's not worth worrying about. If I can give you any advice it would be go through CMS so you don't ever have to chase for money. I wish I'd of done it 2 years earlier.

OP have you spoken to any of the Muslim women's organisations you were told about in your other thread? They may be able to signpost you to someone who will be able to help. He sounds truly vile and I don't for one minute believe he will go for having the children 100% of the time.

You need proper advice as he seems to be using the children to make you stop claiming maintenance from him.

There is also no way that you will have Parental Responsibility removed because you sent a couple of desperate texts while you were upset. He is still abusing you. You need to fight back for the sake of your children if nothing else.