Will my teen-agers hate me?

[Vicky118]

Hi all!

My husband and I currently live in a large town/small city area. We have three kids aged 13, 12 and 9. They are all happy in their schools and when we talk about moving they are very against it.

Me and my husband would love to move to Devon/Cornwall and have found a house which is in a pretty rural setting (approx 6 miles from the local secondary school). I read stories all the time about how teen-agers hate living in Cornwall and Devon, they feel trapped and have nothing to do.

Are we making a huge mistake considering moving the kids, will they likely hate us and be miserable?

Does anyone have any experience of moving kids from cities to the country... How did it go for you?

I would love to hear your opinions.

You are absolutely right, but the OP is planning to move sometime this year.

Wouldn’t it ne better to move once they are all off living their own lives and you can downsize to a retirement forever home?

I grew up rurally and it was great when I was primary school age, but I missed out on so much fun with secondary school friends. If my parents weren’t available or willing to ferry me around, I was stuck in my village.

I have intentionally settled somewhere suburban - which I don’t really love - purely so my kids have the freedom and opportunities I never had. They walk to school, friends, parks, gym, shops, cafes… and it’s 20 mins into the city. As soon as they leave though, I’m outta here!

I could have moved when mine were still in primary school
I didn't and don't regret it
I stayed in a residential area with good train and bus connections to two local cities and a walkable town (or bus ride away)
Although I ferry them around 1/3 time they also catch public transport (as teens 14+) to places and now (pt) work, it's been a god send that they can do that

Teenagers & young adults need to be able get around under their own steam. It helps with independence and mine visit me even once have left home as they can catch train and bus here and from here,..

You talk about Devon/Cornwall but that is a massive area with some of the most deprived areas in the UK. Whereabouts are you thinking of?

We moved to Cornwall when I was 13. I loved it there. It was an amazing place to grow up. I have so many awesome memories of being at the beach with my friends or family. I barely remember the 45 minute bus ride to school. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard at first. Moving anywhere is hard for a teenager. They’ll miss their friends, find it hard to settle in a new school while they find their crowd. But Cornwall itself won’t be the problem. It’s awesome there. Once I made new friends, I was happy. You will have to get used to driving them everywhere but plenty of people live rurally, it’s not the medieval wasteland that some make the countryside out to be.

If you move down to Cornwall and your DCs go to uni, further away than the few unis down there, you may have to accept they won't visit you as much
There isn't as many employment opportunities down in Cornwall , the roads are slower , trains take longer
And far more of it is rural than other parts of U.K. are but it very much depends on where in Cornwall you are looking at. And what the benefits of moving there might be

If your an outdoorsy family including your DCs who love beaches, beautiful countryside , surfing and nature, then that might be a great move.

I agree with this.
I live rurally and so my children have grown up in a rural area, but now I have teenagers there are things that definitely have a negative impact. There is a class my dd is keen to take but the nearest one is an hour away, two hours or more for a really good one. We drove an hour each way to go to the cinema yesterday, and her closest friend is a half hour drive away, her other friends are almost an hour away. I can see that she has far fewer chances to take part in extra curricular things than she would do in a city. I think rural life can be lovely for younger children but can be hard for teenagers. Rural buses are irregular and the bus stops can be creepy , trains are non existent here, my dds are completely reliant on lifts.
The same thing can happen when you are elderly. My local friends in their early seventies moved back to a small city a year ago, as with health issues being a worry (nearest hospital is an hour away, a nightmare on rural roads and in snow and storms) and shopping etc impossible unless they drove, they felt safer in a city with lots of things in walking distance.

I wouldn't move them at this age for a want. If you had to for a need then of course they would have to.

The teen years are hard enough without having to form new friendship groups, and negotiate the change from going places independently to having to organize lifts.

It will drive you nuts, friends did it and are really struggling with the midnight pick up from cinema dances etc. Why not plan for when they are older?

No of course you shouldn’t do this to your children. They need independence and to get around on their own.
if it’s yours and DH’s dream then do it once they’ve left home

Thing is it will be tricky few teenage years for OP but the teens themselves may not necessarily notice. Bless their selfish little cotton socks (most teens - that's the way they're wired!) but as long as OP gets them from A-B they'll be fine. Of course all teens are different, but in general..

As for independence, this is something often implied about rural children. Honestly they manage to leave home and navigate the world just fine. IN fact in some ways theyre better equipped. We were so far from every uni mine wanted to look at for instance that we simply couldn't spare the time to accompany them on visits. Cornwall to St Andrews? Durham? Nah, sorry darling, you'll have to sort that yourself! And they did. Although hey were fetched and carried locally, they weren't over longer distances. They also couldnt skedaddle back home in that first term or two of uni, when it seemed most students did a lot of shuttling (with or without washing).

I do think moving is also good for children. Forces them to have to make friends again and put down roots, just like they have to do at 18 and 21 and later in life. Mine were able to look back and think 'yep, done that, I can do this again'. So that may be a nice side effect of a move.

As for yourselves OP it is definitely easier to put down roots and make friends for yourself if you move while children are home. We'd always planned to retire to Cornwall (where we're both from) but crikey it would have been harder to make friends. You make so many through your children and their activities and contacts. I believe if we'd waited we may have ended up far less embedded and 'at home'.

I did it. Mine (all adults now) loved it and say that it is the childhood they'd want for any children they may have. We lived on an old farm so maybe that made a difference but they had a great time. I didn't mind driving them where they wanted to go and they all drove at 17.

My sister lives in Devon and when her DC we’re growing up it was wonderful. Now they’re mid teens they’re so bored, not much for them to do out of season, need lifts everywhere and work and opportunities to buy a house when they’re old enough are on short demand.

All of that said my sister still loves it and it’s a gorgeous place for us to visit 😉

My kids are the same age and I’m desperate to move up North but I can’t move them now. They’re all settled and it doesn’t seem fair. Have they been down to Cornwall? Seen the house and area? How do they feel?

I'd ask the older ones what they thought about it. I wouldn't make any big family decisions like that without their agreement.

I don't agree with the people giving the main reasons that living rurally you will have to give more lifts though! I grew up in Stockport and the public transport was ok my DM or other parents always picked us up on a Friday night when we were going out before a few of us could drive. I was grateful, not resentful, for the lifts and it made going out age 16-18 feel like a safe interim step for us and I do the same for DDs.

I wouldn't move a year 9 child if it can be avoided. They need to be able to focus on their education, not trying to make new friendships when everyone around them is settled.

My parents were serial movers. I made lots of friends and it probably has made me more resilient but I hated it.
They moved during what would have been year 10 and it was hard. But they moved to just outside London which probably cushioned the blow.
If you are determined to go, go before they choose GCSE options and check public transport and high school options.
Some friends of ours had teen sons growing up in a coastal Devon town. Very outdoorsy family and kids grew up surfing and sailing. Teen years were wild, lots of parties and risky behaviour. They're ok now but it was a bumpy few years

I moved from London to Cornwall as a teen. I loved the beaches, surfing and nightlife but Cornwall is dead in the winter, quite bleak and boring.

I would say Devon is a better choice than Cornwall and live close to either Plymouth or Exeter. If you want to be rural make sure you are on the edge of a village with a bus route or train line to the nearest towns and city. The South West is amazing if you are into outdoor pursuits walking, paddle boarding, Kayaking, surfing, climbing, mountain biking, sailing. It's obviously not as good for cultural activities but there theatres and if you are near Exeter it's only an hour and a bit to Bristol by car and a couple of hours to London by train.

You either have to do this when they are very young or later in when grown up. Put your kids first and do t be selfish you really will ruin their lives

They might not hate you but it might be really hard for them. But you know why you want to move and what they'll gain from it. This will the last opportunity for a few years . Without knowing your children re personality, interests , how easily they make friends and any other issues like extended family issues etc no one else can advise you. But I think you need to be clear what you are wanting to gain for them not just an idealised view of country living which is really about what you and your husband will gain.

Have you asked them? That would be a good indication

My kids would have hated me if I made them move to the country side at those ages. I grew up rurally and loved it until I was about 12 because I had friends nearby. Once I started being interested in boys and meeting new people it was such a miserable place to live. I left home very young because of it.

Having kids in cities/towns teaches them so much about the world that you simply can't replicate in a rural setting, and vice versa, but I would definitely claim that the life lessons and experiences you get in cities are far more valuable, especially the social side of it.

Why do you want to move now? Can you get jobs in this new setting?

I wouldn't do it FWIW. My view is a happy, settled teen is priceless.They only have one chance to do their exams and live their teens and again IMHO not worth pulling the rug from under them.
If this is your rural retirement dream, you just wait 9 years until they are all through school.

Stockport isn't rural 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’d be more worried about changing school especially for your 13yo. Have you looked into availability of places? Your 12yo is presumably just settled in their secondary.

For this reason it’s a no from me. Just wait a few years and you can do it stress free without having to scrabble for school places.

I was a rural teen and had a good time but that’s because I was horsey which comes with a built-in social life. My kids are urban teens and would hate to live rurally. Not sure either is better objectively, I’d be thinking more about your specific kids in their specific situations.