A month in the middle east in Ramadan... How?

[SayDoWhatNow]

My husband is from a big city in the Middle East and we have a 7 month old baby.

We just got back from 2 weeks staying with his family that I found totally draining. The main issues were:

• DS found the change of environment tough and got really clingy. Wouldn't be anywhere without me or DH in sight, needed to co-sleep and woke every 2 hours at night.
• Staying with family was exhausting - different schedules for meals, no break from in laws, not having my own space
• There is very little to do with a baby in the city - it seems most mums just stay home/with family. DS was used to going out, meeting other babies etc so got very bored just being with my in laws - didn't help that he's the first grandchild, so not really any other family children to play with
• DS hates the car and the only way to get anywhere is by car. I spent hours sitting in the back seat singing to him and entertaining him. He would cry then eventually fall asleep. It was miserable. His naps also got really messed up because he was sleeping enough in the car that he wouldn't nap again, but not enough to prevent overtiredness. Combined with the clinginess and seeing lots of new relatives (who live 30-40 min away by car) who also wanted to hold him and play with him was a recipe for a stressed, exhausted baby.

We're going back for a month in Ramadan. DH is really excited because he missed his family and misses being in his home country for Ramadan/Eid. I'm frankly dreading it and feeling resentful that I'll be spending the last month of my mat leave wrangling a stressed baby in a stressful environment. I'm also worried about the impact of Ramadan - there will be a lot of late evening family gatherings and even less baby-friendly stuff during the day.

It's causing a lot of tension with my DH who feels like I'm being overly negative about the trip and by extension his family / his culture/ him.

Stuff I/we are planning so far to make it easier:

• planning to rent our own apartment so we're not staying with in laws and can be on a schedule that suits DS better
• I've joined some "expat mum" groups for the city and found some other women with similar age kids, so may be able to meet some other people/kids while there
• exhaustively researching baby events/groups/anything so that I can find things to do out of the house with DS
• considering enrolling myself in a language school for a few weeks while there - I speak basic Arabic but would love the chance to study more and DH says he will look after DS during the lessons (would probably be 2 hours 3 times per week)
• getting international driving licence so I can drive in the city - although tbh the traffic is so bonkers I don't think I would feel/be safe at all
• thinking about which tourist sites we could visit with DS (we did a lot of these the first few times I visited the city and they are not really baby friendly, but maybe better than nothing!)

I wish I could see it more positively - as an adventure, a lovely family experience, a chance for DS to be immersed in his dad's culture etc. But at the moment I just see stress.

Can I get some advice on how to change my attitude? Or other ways to make it more pleasant?

Honestly? I ajsi think you are being overly negative. This is his family he wants and needs time with them. So does your child. This is your child's culture too. Embrace it. Stop looking for barriers not to enjoy it.
All kids go through fazes of being clingy but they take their cues from parents if you are anxious so will your baby be.

Go out in the day. Change things so you aren't inside all day. Be proactive

@maddy68 I think you're right about overly negative - it just feels so much easier to deal with a clingy/stressed baby at home. And somehow every time we visit I try to focus on all the good things and end up overwhelmed and exhausted.

What kind of climate is it and could you spend most of your time by a pool/ seaside?

Are you also a Muslim? If not , are shops and restaurants open during fasting hours there or would you struggle?

How old will your baby be when you go for a month? 10/11months? They will be quite different to how they are now.
Have you got any childcare lined up? It may be helpful to get baby used to other adults so that family gatherings aren’t as overwhelming.
It can be a lot to deal with being with family- I’ve never spent that amount of time with my in-laws, good luck!

You're stuck with it now. I wouldn't create the idea that large amounts of time can or will be spent in the ME if it's not how you see future holidays being spent, but that's your call. How is your partner getting so much time off work?

Anyway, your ideas sound good. Grit your teeth it will be over soon enough. I'd just focus on managing future expectations. You are going to end up there a whole lot more if not careful

@ArcticSkewer - shared parental leave. He's taking 4 weeks of my mat leave while I use accrued annual leave

Will you be observing Ramadan?

I wouldn't go 😬

@Spottypaperdoll - my family aren't local, so it's mostly me and DH who look after DS. I go to lots of baby groups with him so he sees other adults and kids a lot - but that's different to being cared for by them, or suddenly in a big group of adults who all want his attention. I think the totally new environment didn't help either - he was just as overwhelmed at my mum's house, but better with people visiting us.

Ramadhan can be a wonderful time to spend with family if you can get a balance that works for you. There's likely to be lots of family celebrations, opportunities to visit people and places that are important to your husband (and therefore by extension to your son's early experience of this part of his heritage).

But it's also important to have a plan that works with your needs and means you won't be insane by the end of your trip.

A month staying with in-laws or even my own relatives would not be my idea of fun in any country. It's just too long for me to go without having my own space. Getting your own flat sounds like a sensible option.

There may be fewer activity groups on during Ramadhan, just as during any big holiday time, but there's bound to be something. Maybe reach out through your inlaws or search online and find a local baby group or popular mum and baby venues - if need be, go on something like reddit, go to the city's subreddit and ask there.

Remember that, while many Muslims fast during Ramadhan, there are exemptions for health reasons and it's not obligatory on breastfeeding mothers - so if you aren't fasting yourself, you won't be the only one! I wasn't able to fast last year due to needing to maintain my breastmilk supply, and people were really supportive and understanding.

In hot climates, people's lifestyles do shift timings to adapt to the weather, so you might want to do a gradual shift of your son's routine in the weeks before you travel, so he can adapt.

I hope you have a great time!

7 month olds don't give a toss about "going out and meeting other babies", op.

Try not to stress about sticking to a schedule - when we went to Italy with 6 month old DS, the waiter at the restaurant took him away and introduced him to all the other staff while we ate our dinner! Sure he didn't get to bed on time, but we tried to roll with it. If nothing actually dangerous is happening, the positive effects of having a loving family around will outweigh missing naptime in the long run.

Depending on where in the Middle East you go, being outside in Ramadan during the day can be tricky.

Obviously a baby won't be fasting but in some places, non-Muslim adults (while not expected to fast themselves) are expected not to eat or drink in public during the day. That includes drinking water.

@SayDoWhatNow also be aware that lots of places close early during Ramadan. This was what I found when living in the ME ( obvs could be a different country )

It depends which country - some are tougher than others on observing Ramadan. Certainly there would have been no way to get food during fasting hours where we were. And many shops were closed. So, my experience is, yes, everything turns nocturnal. Many of the places you would take kids to as well - we got invited to a 6th birthday party starting at 9pm. Softplay opened at dusk and stayed open til after midnight. Are you sure Arabic classes will be running during Ramadan?
So,I'd talk to DH about how much is open during the day. I'd also consider putting DS on a shifted day - you will be dealing with time differences anyway, so get up at 10am, breakfast at 11, lunch at 4pm, dinner at 10pm, bed at midnight sort of idea.

I struggle with staying with DHs extended family for more than a week. A month sound tough, and I think the apartment is a really good idea.

I think Ramadan is March/April time? It shouldn't be too hot. You might also find the roads are quieter during the day if you do decide to drive.

This really depends which city you’re in - can you share as will help with tips. I find it’s easy to go with the flow here, even though I don’t fast, I adapt to the late night/sleep in schedule to make the most of iftar and suhoor gatherings.

It depends where you are. Dubai, for example, is almost business as usual during Ramadan these days. Regardless, sundown will be at around 6.45 this year, so earlier than usual. I love Ramadan I. The Middle East (/land I’m not a Muslim)

You seem to be a very rigid thinker and have a need for structure. Kids adapt. I agree your own space is important. I couldn’t live with another family for that long, however, would absolutely be open to new experience.

If it’s Saudi, however, you have my sympathies.

I don't think at 7months babies get bored by not going to baby groups! You however may have been bored.

I think it probably will be tough but it's DH family and culture and your dons as well. Renting your own apartment sounds like a really good compromise, however I'm not sure about meeting expat mums. That could be offensive. Are there really no aunties cousins etc with children?

That's very generous to spend a month of your annual leave in the ME with his family. At least it's hopefully clear you won't be doing the same every year.
A month will soon pass. Maybe see it as a bit of a break for you - hopefully you won't be expected to be in the kitchen cooking or with the baby all the time - make the most of the free time and read/netflix/write/whatever you haven't been able to do much of.
Can you join a hotel gym with pool or something similar?
Don't worry about routine/structure/bedtimes. It will just make life more difficult if you are trying to keep to your UK routines. Go with the flow.

Which city will you be in?

I've lived in the Middle East for 15 years and my favourite time of the year is Ramadan (I'm not Muslim) it's a truly beautiful time where the community comes together and helps others and I feel incredibly lucky to experience it here.

Why do you have to be there for the whole month? I'd be tempted to insist on 2 weeks max.

@soberfabulous and @AgentProvocateur it's really good to hear that you enjoy Ramadan in the ME. I think it's the one thing DH misses most about being in the UK - the feeling of community and togetherness in Ramadan. Hopefully this is something that I can also experience and enjoy / understand better.

@Shitfather it's not Saudi! I probably am a bit rigid in my thinking atm - months of broken sleep does have that effect!

@hellodarknessmyoldfriend22 it's not so much the lack of groups, it was the lack of anything in the local area plus an unpleasant car journey to get to anything that was the killer. DS definitely gets bored at home if I don't go out somewhere at least every other day. And at home he's happy to play a bit independently or sit in his highchair while I do household tasks. When we were away he wanted to be held/played with by me or DH almost all the time. It did get better the last couple of days, so hopefully with a longer time and having met his aunts etc before he will be more settled for more of the trip!

But no, there aren't many other kids in the family. Just one second cousin, who we saw once at my request.

I agree. Sharing the country/city will help with more realistic recommendations. It will also help with the dress code suggestions as well.

People tend to be very hospitable so you might receive a lot of invitations. If it’s easier for people to come and visit due to sleep routines etc, you could try that instead. During the day, you could pack some food with you if shops are closed. Simple things like pasta, wraps and sandwiches might be easier. I’d suggest packing freezer proof ziplock bags and packed some food safe containers for snacks/packed lunch. I’m sure they’re readily available abroad but at least you won’t have to go shopping straightaway.

Most Middle Eastern countries have a bustling night life with lots of souks that open up in the evening. This would be nice for simple souvenirs or a little something for Eid etc.

Coffee culture is also big thing so you can easily buy a pretty flask and pack some sweet dates for a quick picnic. It’s also nice for hosting as well. If people are coming over to break their fast, you can just order some food if you don’t feel comfortable with cooking and just provide bottled water and dates (tap water isn’t safe in some Middle Eastern countries) and I’m sure you’ll have your own plates and cutlery which I’m sure can be bought from pretty much anywhere. There’s usually Uber Eats or its equivalent in many countries which can help with takeouts. Alternatively, there might be local restaurants nearby where you can pick up the food from.

Plus, I’m sure you can google Ramadan opening hours to give you a better idea of when things are open/closed etc. Don’t fret and keep an open mind and I’m sure the weeks will fly by in no time.