A month in the middle east in Ramadan... How?

[SayDoWhatNow]

My husband is from a big city in the Middle East and we have a 7 month old baby.

We just got back from 2 weeks staying with his family that I found totally draining. The main issues were:

• DS found the change of environment tough and got really clingy. Wouldn't be anywhere without me or DH in sight, needed to co-sleep and woke every 2 hours at night.
• Staying with family was exhausting - different schedules for meals, no break from in laws, not having my own space
• There is very little to do with a baby in the city - it seems most mums just stay home/with family. DS was used to going out, meeting other babies etc so got very bored just being with my in laws - didn't help that he's the first grandchild, so not really any other family children to play with
• DS hates the car and the only way to get anywhere is by car. I spent hours sitting in the back seat singing to him and entertaining him. He would cry then eventually fall asleep. It was miserable. His naps also got really messed up because he was sleeping enough in the car that he wouldn't nap again, but not enough to prevent overtiredness. Combined with the clinginess and seeing lots of new relatives (who live 30-40 min away by car) who also wanted to hold him and play with him was a recipe for a stressed, exhausted baby.

We're going back for a month in Ramadan. DH is really excited because he missed his family and misses being in his home country for Ramadan/Eid. I'm frankly dreading it and feeling resentful that I'll be spending the last month of my mat leave wrangling a stressed baby in a stressful environment. I'm also worried about the impact of Ramadan - there will be a lot of late evening family gatherings and even less baby-friendly stuff during the day.

It's causing a lot of tension with my DH who feels like I'm being overly negative about the trip and by extension his family / his culture/ him.

Stuff I/we are planning so far to make it easier:

• planning to rent our own apartment so we're not staying with in laws and can be on a schedule that suits DS better
• I've joined some "expat mum" groups for the city and found some other women with similar age kids, so may be able to meet some other people/kids while there
• exhaustively researching baby events/groups/anything so that I can find things to do out of the house with DS
• considering enrolling myself in a language school for a few weeks while there - I speak basic Arabic but would love the chance to study more and DH says he will look after DS during the lessons (would probably be 2 hours 3 times per week)
• getting international driving licence so I can drive in the city - although tbh the traffic is so bonkers I don't think I would feel/be safe at all
• thinking about which tourist sites we could visit with DS (we did a lot of these the first few times I visited the city and they are not really baby friendly, but maybe better than nothing!)

I wish I could see it more positively - as an adventure, a lovely family experience, a chance for DS to be immersed in his dad's culture etc. But at the moment I just see stress.

Can I get some advice on how to change my attitude? Or other ways to make it more pleasant?

Thank you @Scirocco and @CatOnTheChair , those are really helpful things to think about.

I think because there's a time difference that an altered schedule may happen quite naturally, which will definitely be helpful.

There are language schools with availability to book in Ramadan but I haven't checked the lesson times - they may well be later in the day than in other months.

I'm not Muslim and not fasting this year because I'm likely to still be breastfeeding, but I have done parts of Ramadan in other years so that it's something we can do together as a family in future.

@ArcticSkewer that's a decent way to think about it - a chance to have a bit of a chilled month (hopefully). I'm honestly not super anal about DS's routine generally - out previous trip was just a really tough couple of weeks with crappy sleep and lots of car screaming, so I'm feeling a bit delicate about the whole thing!

I'm hopeful that having our own space will make things a lot easier, because we will have the freedom to plan the day around things like family visits without also having to fit in with another family's schedule for the whole day.

Honestly, I won't go. I understand its your husband culture and his missing his family. But! He has his own family now and he can not expecting from you to go through this travel if you don't feel comfortable. As far as I understand, when you are there it is difficult as they do not work around your and the baby needs which could be hard. Not sure if you can communicate with them (language wise) which can make it even harder.
Both mine and my husband's family far away and we would never expect from each other to spend this amount of time somewhere where we don't feel comfortable.

A 7mo does not get bored, just take a few favourite toys and go out in cooler part of the day. Agree staying separately and ha ing transport may be a saver though. Would you have access to a pool? A month seems too long.

Glad it’s not Saudi. In that case, my guess is you’ll return home thinking you learned new things about yourself and where are you went. I understand it’s tough traveling with a baby. People adore children in the ME and my guess is family will dote on baby. Could you get someone in to help?

We live in a country that observes Ramadan. IME the first week is the most important and intense- most people are home a lot, and try and get their bodies used to it. After that everything starts to slowly open up and is a bit more relaxed. Depending on where you are you may find some cafes and restaurants open up in the day as well, although they may not make it obvious. Expat parent groups are probably a good way to find out.

I would try and shift your routine- will your baby sleep in a buggy or sling? If so you can get them ready for bed at the normal time and then put them in the buggy for an evening walk or mall visit or something and hopefully they will sleep.

Here things like historical sites and museums still open, although may shut after about 2pm so people can prepare for Iftar. If you want a bit of a break, are there any tourist resorts in the county? Big hotels usually run as normal and you could plan a few days break in the middle?

Also you may want to bring a stock of wine in if that's your thing as you can't buy it during ramadan. Most families here don't have a big family thing every night- you may go for dinner with friends or colleagues or just yourself and Netflix so it may not be as intense as you fear. Don't get too attached to any goats or sheep you meet though.

Ramadan when you're not working is great. If you're trying to get things done, that's a different issue!

The first few days tend to be more close family oriented and then it moves on to wider family and friends.

I'd be wanting to check if DH is planning to be doing the long tawareeh prayers and spending long nights reading Quran in the mosque. You need to be very clear what he's planning because this will impact your days. Same regarding his family. Are they a family who continues as normal during the day, or ones who tend to rest and/or sleep most of the day.

And also sohour. Are you and DS going to be expected to attend any of these parties?

I love Ramadan, absolutely love it (well, not when trying to move house or meet some kind of deadline!). But I have always been clear about what I want to do and not (love the idea of sohour parties, but I can't function if I don't sleep and I don't want to sleep all day only to eat ridiculous amounts all evening - to each his own).

Basically you and DH need to keep lines of communication about this very open. You need to explain that you want to have a great time, but you're going to have to take it a bit slowly. It's not a sign of lack of interest or enthusiasm, just pacing yourself so you can enjoy it all the way to Eid. And he needs to be up front about his praying plans, because that will massively impact your days (and nights).

Im totally jealous. It's a special time. Enjoy it, enjoy the great food, and leave some time upon return for DS to get back into his schedule. That may be a tricky one.

Nope, you wouldn't get me there. Your first visit sounds far from enjoyable.

I would be quite happy for my dh to go for a month and I would be delighted to stay at home.

We moved house due to Ramadam celebrations by our new neighbours. We did 3 years before throwing the towel in. The thought if enduring those late nights all the time just gives me a migraine at the thought.

What is that they were doing that made you move house?

i’m not unsympathetic because it does sound hard but I do think you’re being unreasonable.

this is his family. One half of your baby’s family. You knew this before you married your husband and had a child with him. Your lives are centred (presumably) around your culture. Let him live in his too.

(it’s a sore point with me)

You still haven’t mentioned which country/city, which tbh is the most important point. There’s so many from the UK doing the same trip that it’s hardly going to reveal you.

if it’s a city in the UAE, then it’s completely fine. Restaurants etc are now open during the day, the all day closures are a thing of the past. All stores are open late, there’s programs like Privilee which gives access to resorts, pools, gyms. Tons of mum meet ups and groups - any ME city with a expat community has these.

The weather across the Gulf is still nice in March/April for time in the beach- warm but the heat hasn’t set in yet.

But if you’re determined not to enjoy yourself and see the ME as something so alien and isolating, then that’s the kind of visit you’ll have.

Thank you @daretodenim - those are important things to think about and I agree we need to be able to communicate really well on this.

He's unlikely to want to do the nightly prayer at the Mosque - never expressed an interest before. Will go to Friday prayers and will probably want to have Iftar with family every night and go out with his friends some evenings. Hopefully we can get DS into a schedule that fits ok round this.

His family are definitely more on the rest all day side, especially as his parents are both retired. That's another good reason to stay elsewhere I think, because I felt awkward creeping around the apartment trying to keep DS occupied in the morning anyway, never mind when everyone is sleeping in during Ramadan!

@Fancylike and @EnterChasedByAMemory the city is Cairo. We'll be staying in part of New Cairo, in the East.

So far, for mum+baby stuff I have found several things to do in Maadi and Giza, as well as possibly some things in New Cairo - but not sure if they are running in Ramadan. There are also several small farms for children in Giza and some stuff in Sheikh Zayed which is probably a bit far for us.

More generally, there is plenty of "coffee culture" in Maadi and Zamalek and various fancy malls that will definitely be open in New Cairo.

There is also all of historic Cairo - like the Religions Complex, Khan al Khalili market, Islamic museum which I think I can take DS to see. Those are relatively close to the language school I'm looking at. Not keen on the pyramids because it's very exposed (no shade at all) or the big Egyptian museum, but I think between all of those things I can patch together enough stuff to keep us occupied.

I'm definitely not determined to see the ME as alienating and I've visited Cairo lots of times in the past few years. I think tbh I found the first few visits very stressful because I felt under pressure to be liked/accepted by DH's family and acutely aware that I was very different from who they expected him to be dating. On top of that, DH sort of assumed I would know how everything worked socially (which I totally didn't) but at the same time was stressed about me doing anything at all by myself, so I felt infantilised and ignorant. Subsequent visits were easier, but being there with DS for the first time was harder again because there were some hard constraints (naps, food, sleep, stressed, clingy baby) that made it harder to just relax and go with the flow. I do think there is a big difference between being an expat in the ME and able to set up your life how you like it, and being part of a family where you are totally immersed in a very different way of life (plus awkward family dynamics) and expected to get well the program.

@Harissaontoast thank you, that's lots of helpful things to think about. DS does sleep in a carrier, so an evening walk after Iftar is a good idea. Does also sleep in the buggy, but the carrier is a better option for Cairo unless we're spending loads of time at a mall.

I think it will be fairly intense because DH likes to cram in as much time with family/friends as possible (understandably). Realistically, the biggest issues in our previous trip were schedule mismatches (fixed by having our own place), terrible sleep/overtiredness and DS hating the car. He does seem to be tolerating his car seat a bit better, so maybe that will resolve too. Unfortunately not that much time to practice because DH has the car most days for work, but we can try.

Ah ok, I think you’ll find that Cairo doesn’t really close down during Ramadan. More like longer hours, I think the pyramids have night events too. Maadi is a good spot to be, there’s more arty kind of cafes with gardens. Remember to leave the kids with family and go enjoy a nice hammam and spa time.