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Original poster

Unwanted cuddles

26 replies

ShillyShallySherbet · 04/02/2023 09:38

How would you approach it if your DC told you they don’t like it when a family member cuddles them?

My DM always has always given my DC a big cuddle and a kiss when she first sees them. My DC (Primary age) told me they don’t like it so I have gently asked her not to and I think I’ve upset her. I feel awful but also I don’t want my children feeling uncomfortable around her. My eldest was at the point where she was saying she was scared of my mum. It makes me sad as I want them to have a good close relationship. Have I handled this wrong?

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Emmamoo89 · 04/02/2023 09:39

No you haven't. When it comes to your children you need to put their feelings first x

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 04/02/2023 09:41

No you haven't but neither has your mum really. I think it's understandable she is feeling a little hurt.

If she is the kind that's good at self reflection she could talk to your dd about it and say sorry for making her feel like that, that she didn't realise but she would like to have a special greeting just them so a secret handshake or something?

How did you broach it with her?

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/02/2023 09:42

It might not be personal about your mum. They get to an age when they just don't want it (apart from their mum) but might grow back into it again. I'm a grandmother of 4 boys and at some point they don't want these public displays of affection any more eg at school pick up.

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MistyFrequencies · 04/02/2023 09:47

I would 100% do what you did. I definitely believe we teach the importance and value of consent at these early ages; your child will now know they dont have to hug anyone they are uncomfortable hugging and thats a good thing. I understand why your mum is sad but its not about her.

Marblessolveeverything · 04/02/2023 09:48

We had this with my late MIL, lovely woman who adored by eldest child. But he really didn't like her near or hugging etc. They found their thing, chess!

That poor woman spent ages studying to meet him where he was. They actually
went on to thankfully have really open chats and we're good friends later in life.

I still have no idea what was the issue as my youngest child practically climbed on her. You did the right thing but there is no denying a tough thing, hopefully they find a common ground to bond.

Original poster

ShillyShallySherbet · 04/02/2023 09:50

Last time she visited my eldest was scared to be in the same room as her so she sent me a text after asking what was wrong. I said she didn’t want to be cuddled and suggested my mum maybe let’s DD initiate cuddles if she wants them in future. She was upset but said she understood. She doesn’t seem to want to come over and see us anymore though and keeps making excuses.

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MrsSkylerWhite · 04/02/2023 09:51

Listen to them. Tell your mum they’re just not tactile.

OnaBegonia · 04/02/2023 09:52

Your child is scared of their granny giving them a cuddle? does she have a death crushing grip?
Seems an unusual response.

Hadalifeonce · 04/02/2023 09:54

I have a niece who hates cuddles, so we do a high five or shake hands. It was a little awkward at first, as we are a huggy family, but I would hate to think I made her uncomfortable, and not want to see us.

TheHotdog · 04/02/2023 09:54

They should have been brought up not having to hug or touch everyone that wants to. So they should have felt comfortable to say “no, I don’t want a hug today” rather than letting it get to this point.

Your mother’s emotional response is not for your child to manage.

DadDilema · 04/02/2023 09:55

I get why it’s upsetting to her, and to you.. but ultimately your children have withdrawn consent to be hugged/kissed and she needs to respect that.

Of course it’s going to hurt when these things are done out of pure love; but how she shows her love isn’t the same was they show theirs and that’s ok.

she just needs reminding that it’s not because they don’t love her, it just puts them out of their comfort zone and that’s to be respected.

Hats off to your children for being confident to voice this; I never liked hugs as a kid(or an adult) but I was always too shy to say no.

DadDilema · 04/02/2023 09:58

Although; reading how your children won’t even be in the same room as her over hugs is slightly unusual - is there more to this story? I.e are they often encouraged to hug rather than it come naturally? Being pushed and pushed to hug someone would put me off then no end too.

Original poster

ShillyShallySherbet · 04/02/2023 10:01

My eldest’s level of anxiety about seeing her lately has been worrying me. I have never ever forced my children to hug anyone. My mum when she sees them (and me) just goes straight in for an enthusiastic cuddle and kiss on the cheek and always has done since they were little. Nobody else in the family is like that. I probably should have asked her not to sooner and not let it get to this point but I didn’t think there was anything wrong with a grandmother wanting to hug and kiss her grandchild/child

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DadDilema · 04/02/2023 10:05

Of course there isn’t anything wrong with it; until either party decide it isn’t for them anymore.

It all boils down to consent and your children haven’t given it; I’m assuming it’s been making them feel uncomfortable for a while and that’s why your eldest has this level of anxiety around it now.. and also may feel ‘guilty’ as they probably know it’s going to hurt DGma’s feelings at first; so they’re probably anxious that she’s going to confront them “why don’t you want to hug me anymore?” Can really out someone on the spot. They might just want reassurance that they’re not going to be questioned on subsequent visits.

Original poster

ShillyShallySherbet · 04/02/2023 10:12

Yes I think there has definitely been an element of DD not wanting to hurt her grandmothers feelings. When she did finally admit to me after many months why she was so scared every time my mum was coming over I made sure she knew it was absolutely fine to feel that way and that I would ensure it didn’t happen anymore. Sadly it has definitely hurt my mums feelings and I feel that she’s avoiding seeing us at all now.

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Rainallnight · 04/02/2023 10:15

You need to talk to your mum about it.

Our Mama Village on Instagram is a therapist who has lots of good stuff about relatives and body boundaries.

Saschka · 04/02/2023 10:19

OnaBegonia · 04/02/2023 09:52

Your child is scared of their granny giving them a cuddle? does she have a death crushing grip?
Seems an unusual response.

I was terrified of my gran when I was a child because she was old, smelled of what in retrospect was probably rose-scented cold cream, and used a zimmer frame.

Children aren’t always rational about these things.

erehj · 04/02/2023 10:22

You've done the right thing. When people go to cuddle my kids and they shrink away, I always say loudly that they don't have to, and suggest a high five or a wave if they want. It's good to teach them healthy physical boundaries and that no one should touch them if they don't want, that they can refuse physical contact.

backoftheplane · 04/02/2023 10:39

I had this with my nephew who doesn’t like cuddles - whilst I would love to give him a massive cuddle we invented a special ‘handshake’ that just he and I do and it’s our special thing together. He loves it and I still feel like I have a lovely bond with him. Perhaps your DM could come up with some special ways to express affection that your DC is comfortable with?x

MaverickGooseGoose · 04/02/2023 10:42

I've also got a nephew who doesn't cuddle - we high five. Totally up to him.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 04/02/2023 10:57

My 8yo only likes physical affection on his terms, he's been the same ever since he was a tot. When he DOES want cuddles and kisses, he's incredibly affectionate.

I understand your mum being upset, but kids have bodily autonomy just as much as adults do. I had to frame it like that with ExMIL when she got pushed away by DS for the umpteenth time!

DragonbornMum · 04/02/2023 11:30

That's a really sad problem to have. Of course your mum wants to show affection to her grandchildren, but you can't dismiss their feelings on the matter which are really important

I definitely think you did the right thing by saying no cuddles. Perhaps it's a phase or a sensory issue, but forcing the children to accept hugs is not going to help at all

TheHotdog · 04/02/2023 11:34

I didn’t think there was anything wrong with a grandmother wanting to hug and kiss her grandchild/child

There’s nothing wrong with her wanting to, but everyone needs to respect that the children don’t want her to.

To be honest I think you’ll have noticed through body language your child has not been comfortable with your mothers touch for a long time, you’ve just never acknowledged it because you know it would be awkward.

Original poster

ShillyShallySherbet · 04/02/2023 13:27

That’s true @TheHotdog I knew my mum would take it badly and get upset so I have probably let this go on far longer than I should have.

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Original poster

ShillyShallySherbet · 04/02/2023 13:31

To be fair though I didn’t actually realise it was about hugging, I just knew that my DD was suddenly getting really anxious whenever my mum was coming over and I just couldn’t work out why.

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