Want to go back to work but don’t want to send DC to nursery

[New22iht]

My DS is 10 months old, I will be going back to work in a couple of months and he will be going to nursery 2 days a week and with grandparents 1 day a week. He’s a very clingy baby and cries if anyone but me or his dad are holding him. He can’t sleep or nap without being fed or rocked to sleep and I know he’s not ready to go to nursery and I really don’t want to send him, the thought breaks my heart. I also worry what impact it could have on him long term. I know so many people send 1 year olds to nursery so that probably sounds very daft, but I read this on a website and I can’t stop thinking about it now:

“There is a study that shows that children who start nursery under the age of two after spending all of their time in parental care exhibit higher levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) for up to 5 months after they start nursery, even if they show no outward symptoms of stress”.

financially money would be very tight if I didn’t return to work but I think we could just about make it work. I do however quite want to return to work for my own sake, I just feel ready to be doing more than just Mum duties all day and I feel I would personally benefit mentally in some ways from going back to work.

but ultimately I want to do what’s right for my DS. I just feel like he’s only going to be this small once, I can’t get this time back or have a ‘do over’ if we make the wrong decision and it affects him negatively. The guilt over going back to work is really getting to me.

I appreciate I’m probably being a little over the top in my post here, I’m tired so probably sound particularly stressy and irrational! But if others could offer their advice/opinions on this I’d be very interested, thank you very much.

I went back before mine was six months old (I didn’t want to but had to)
found a lovely private childminder that treated him so well

Have you considered a nanny or childminder? Much more homely and better consistency of caregiver. We had a wonderful childminder who actually became our part-time nanny for 8 years.

Have another google and read the studies that show the benefits of going to nursery.
Honestly it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

much as I hate the phrase "Happy Mum, Happy baby" - it does apply here.

Realistically it may take him a while to study - 10 months is a prime time for separation anxiety, but in a few weeks you won't konw what you were worrying about.

I went back to work when mine were six months. I picked a childminder. It was great.

@Slimjimtobe Thank you so much for responding, I’m really sorry, my post is probably very insensitive to the many parents who don’t have a choice but to return to work earlier. And I appreciate that there are much bigger issues in the world than this. I think I just need to calm down about it a bit, and probably not the best time of night to be mulling over these thoughts!

@BigotSpigot thank you very much for responding. A childminder sounds like a popular option and could be better suited to him. A nanny sounds very out of budget but I’ve never looked into that to be fair

I remember sending DS to nursery, and one day sitting outside in the car sobbing because he was upset when I left. One of the team came out to check I was ok and to let me know he was absolutely fine already.

He loved nursery. Playing with other children, being cared for by lovely staff. He was upset to leave when he started primary.

He's much older now, and is in no way scarred by going to nursery, he can't even remember it. I've just got a life changing promotion at work that he will benefit from, that I never imagined back then, and I wouldn't have got if I'd dropped out of work.

I'm not saying you should put your child in nursery, but I just wanted to say while it's natural to be apprehensive about it, it really isn't the worse thing you can do for your child, I promise. It's a tiny part of their lives, no matter how massive it seems right now. Good luck with whatever you decide.

@redskydelight really appreciate your response thank you. It’s one of those isn’t it, if you go to google looking for certain answers you will come across them so I’ve got my self to blame a bit there! I’m absolutely certain there would be benefits for him as well. I just worry as he’s a very clingy baby and definitely not adaptable but like you say, this is prime separation anxiety time, he might cope better left with others in a couple of months!

It doesn’t have to be a big deal to stress over OP, if you don’t want a nursery then go with a childminder instead. I’d recommend going to visit both, with your baby and seeing how you find them. Kids behave differently in childcare with regards to food and naps so he may do better than you think.

I had a super clingy baby who had never had a nap without a boob, she walked into nursery at 13 months and never looked back. Absolutely adores it, does so much fun stuff and now takes her toddler energy/attitude somewhere else 3 days a week - I loved maternity leave but am not cut out to be a SAHM past baby stage.

Point being that things can change a lot in a short time. Can you add on any holiday to stay off another month, can grandparents do any extra, or your OH, if you think a few more months at home might help?

@Teeshirt thanks so much for your response. Childminder definitely seems like a popular option.

My DC were the same..went in at 10 months very clingy and their key worker rocked them to sleep in a chair, now they're at school they still see the key worker and have a good bond.

I used a fantastic childminder which was the perfect option for us. She was out and about every morning to various groups and farms etc then back for lunch and a nap. A nice big garden to play in. Never had an issue.

@WhatWouldTheDoctorDo really appreciate your response thank you, makes me feel so much better to hear your experience of sending your DS to nursery.

and congratulations on your promotion!

I was never able to get either of my children (both breastfed) to sleep without feeding, rocking or going in the sling. I don’t know how, but the staff at their nursery managed it fine. They have magic powers!

(They both started at 11 months)

In the gentlest way OP, you are being dramatic and quite PFB. Your son will be fine. He won’t be traumatised. He’s not clingy, he’s just a normal baby. He will take a little time to adapt and then he’ll be fine.

Please don’t feel guilty about your career. I’m sure your husband doesn’t.

@QuiltedHippo thank you so much for your response, DS also rarely has naps without a boob in his mouth! Feels like we’re very far off being able to leave him with others but hearing your experience makes me feel so much better, like you say, a lot can change in a short space of time, especially at this young age.

we have actually just been taking about ways we could potentially push back him going to nursery just a little bit so that may be a possibility and something that may help ease the transition.

@Coffeecoffeeinmytummy no I genuinely appreciate the gentle “pull yourself together” metaphoric slap round the face 😂. I do think I needed that a bit here. I got myself a little worked up, probably should have calmed down before sharing my crazy on MN but I’ve really appreciated these responses so glad I did.

I'd look into other options (childminder, nanny, nanny share etc).

Ultimately though he will be fine in a nursery and he will nap for them. It's literally their job to sort this and they will!

It’s a big adjustment and I’m not surprised you are feeling anxious. If it’s any consolation, DS and all of his little friends were full on lockdown babies (they are all age 3 now). When they started nursery at ~ age 1 their socialisation had been significantly reduced and most of them were used to contact naps as there wasn’t anything else to do during lockdown! My DS was definitely a sensitive baby and I was really worried about the transition. It was honestly fine, of course there were some teething issues but he settled much quicker than I thought he would. I’m glad we persevered because he really enjoys going now. Good luck with returning to work.

My DS started nursery at 11 months. I could have afforded not to work but I really needed to for my own sense of well being. DS was born in lockdown so he’d spent a lot of time with me and DP (who worked from home through lockdown) but didn’t really see anyone else until nursery. He’s loved nursery nearly from the get go though and now 1.5 years later skips in every day grinning ear to ear and is thriving there.

My eldest went to nursery at 9m. He cried at drop off for a while but settled quickly. Nursery workers are magicians at getting children to sleep. They bounced him on a bouncer with a light summer scarf of mine as a comforter. I felt very anxious about putting him in but I could see quickly how much they cared for him. He spoke very early and is an absolute cracker, I do think nursery really helped with the clingyness though we are still incredibly close, he is 6 and still tries to sneak in my bed at any chance and loves to hang out with me.

My youngest was kept at home until 3 and he is barely speaking, very reserved and doesn't like social/noisy things. We love the little introvert he is but I do wonder if putting him in nursery a bit younger might have given him more of a reason to come on with his speech and mimicking peers would have been really helpful for him.

You'll know what is right for your family but I honestly hold no regret for putting him in.

I’d definitely recommend a childminder. I always took my daughter with me for visits (both childminder and nursery) and the ones she gelled with were my shortlist. Any worth their salt will allow you to do several settling in days or half days and will allow you to pay for as many as it takes. I think maybe I’ll move her to a nursery or preschool when she’s three, but for now I like it that the days are more fitted to her needs

Honestly don't worry. If it's the right nursery, they'll thrive. DS started at 11 months and is now 2.5 and doing amazingly. So happy, smiley and chatty and adores his key worker.