Want to go back to work but don’t want to send DC to nursery

[New22iht]

My DS is 10 months old, I will be going back to work in a couple of months and he will be going to nursery 2 days a week and with grandparents 1 day a week. He’s a very clingy baby and cries if anyone but me or his dad are holding him. He can’t sleep or nap without being fed or rocked to sleep and I know he’s not ready to go to nursery and I really don’t want to send him, the thought breaks my heart. I also worry what impact it could have on him long term. I know so many people send 1 year olds to nursery so that probably sounds very daft, but I read this on a website and I can’t stop thinking about it now:

“There is a study that shows that children who start nursery under the age of two after spending all of their time in parental care exhibit higher levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) for up to 5 months after they start nursery, even if they show no outward symptoms of stress”.

financially money would be very tight if I didn’t return to work but I think we could just about make it work. I do however quite want to return to work for my own sake, I just feel ready to be doing more than just Mum duties all day and I feel I would personally benefit mentally in some ways from going back to work.

but ultimately I want to do what’s right for my DS. I just feel like he’s only going to be this small once, I can’t get this time back or have a ‘do over’ if we make the wrong decision and it affects him negatively. The guilt over going back to work is really getting to me.

I appreciate I’m probably being a little over the top in my post here, I’m tired so probably sound particularly stressy and irrational! But if others could offer their advice/opinions on this I’d be very interested, thank you very much.

Sorry to say but my DC never settled at nursery and we used a childminder in the end. My eldest was also very sensitive and it wasn’t a good fit. Go with your instincts OP and do put it off if you’re not ready. You’re right that you can’t get this time back.

I could have wrote this post myself a few months ago. I went back to work 2 weeks ago and my 11 month old started nursery 2 days a week. I spent the last few months of my maternity leave so stressed over it, lost so much sleep, heartbroken at the thought of leaving her. She's breastfed and feeds to sleep for naps and is very clingy.
I visited so many nursery's to find the right one and I already don't know what I was so worried about. Don't get me wrong, it's hard leaving her and I clock watch and count down the hours until I pick her up but she's been absolutely fine and seems to really enjoy it so far. She's naps better there than she does at home, I have an app the staff upload pictures on and she looks happy there and I know she's well looked after.
I really needed to get back to work atleast a few days a week for my own mental health and I was so close to just giving it up because I was scared to leave her but I'm so pleased I went ahead with it. I think it's harder for us than it is them.

Hi go to lots of nurseries and go meet lots of childminders, go inside and look round, it's like buying a house, don't just judge on area or building etc. I think you will either meet a childminder or go to a nursery where you can imagine him being and you'll be fine. Its always going to be hard but he'll be fine. You need to at least try it for few months

Thank you all so much for your kind and helpful replies 😊

My friend felt a bit like this and she dealt with it by taking a couple of half days holiday a week for the first few weeks back so that her son eased in more gradually. He still went to nursery on her half days but she picked him up early so he had shorter days. Would that be possible?

@wildseas that sounds like a really good idea. I should have some left over annual leave accrued from being on maternity leave so could use those days that way. It would at least help ease him in with some initial shorter days.

Trust your instinct.

Consider staggering the return to work over a few weeks.

Can your husband be the carer one day per week for a few months?

It is your choice but I wouldn't be able to leave my ds. He is 17 months old and I just couldn't do it even though I think he would probably settle in pretty quickly as he is a confident and independent toddler. Financially, we would probably have an easier life if I worked but I can't work full time anyways and I would be far too anxious and upset if I had to leave him. He will have to go to school in a few years so I plan to make the most of our time together in these precious early years and then look into part time work when he's school age.

If you work 3 days and baby's father drops to 3 days then baby won't need to go to nursery - but will need 1 day with a grandparent.
Perhaps that could be a solution?

Have another google and read the studies that show the benefits of going to nursery.
Honestly it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Yes, my oldest started nursery at 10 months and youngest at 6 months. I honestly think it was the best thing for the whole family.

I think that’s true, must be so stressful for babies to be in nursery. I don’t think you’re being OTT, I think you’re tuned into your child. There are millions of parents who need to use nursery and their kids do fine but if you don’t have to and you’re feeling this way, don’t. Look into other options - childminder although that might be equally chaotic or even less organised. Nanny? Scrape by for another year at home? Do what you think is best and don’t worry about others’ opinions.

The research is around attachment theory and that babies who are not securely attached in their childcare or home have high levels of cortisol so your looking at a setting that has a sensitive approach to settling baby with one continuous adult who holds them appends time with them and is responsive to their cries and needs it's easier to judge this with a childminder if you see them with their charges and your child and by talking to them about things like settling in and how they get baby to sleep. It's harder with a nursery because they don't have the same continuity dealing with baby. Studies around nursery mean childcare in general and quality experience most children achieve in a stimulating environment with quality care and interactions most researchers unfortunately don't ever visit childminders and don't know what they do much like media portrayals it's very hard to get any professional to visit and see a childminders just to view a setting.

It depends on the care, and on the child. DS1 was always happy with a childminder and then nursery/playgroup. DS2 wanted to be only with me or his dad, DS3 ( who had to go to a childminder at only 4 months because of our financial constraints) was fine until he was about 3, then cried everyday on separation until he was 6, but was fine after about 10 minutes.
If you can find a nice childminder, who is cuddly and kind, it might work better than a nursery, although there are plenty of nurseries with lovely childcare workers.
It is normal not to want to separate from your child. Can you afford to take a longer maternity absence in terms of getting back on the career ladder? How much does that matter to you?

I was you many moons ago, except we were probably more financially comfortable than you sound and I was probably more desperate to get away from my baby than you sound (for lots of reasons). I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t leave my baby with strangers even though I knew they were consummate professionals and my baby would have been totally fine. I actually ended up giving work up entirely because a long mat leave became another pregnancy and another mat leave which coincided with DH taking on a new job with ridiculous hours and a house move and lots of work travel blah blah blah… This was many years ago and I haven’t worked since.

I have absolutely no regrets. I wouldn’t have changed a thing. It was hard at the time: I don’t enjoy babies or toddlers, I could have screamed with the boredom and relentlessly dull life I had at times. They’re now deep into secondary schooling and those memories and those times are so, so precious to me. You don’t get that time back, and the older I myself get, the more I feel the need to live each experience to the fullest. I lived their baby/toddler/pre-school years to the fullest and have felt much more fulfilled by having have done that than 3 or 4 more years of my old job. My children couldn’t care less though 😂

Every outcome with little children has its benefits and disadvantages. It’s not an easy time. There’s no perfect solution for most of us. Do I regret abandoning my career? Sure, at times. But then I would have missed out on so much at home with the only children I would ever have.

You have to choose what’s right for you, your marriage, your children, your household. And you can be flexible - things change, you can always fix mistakes as best as possible. Mostly, don’t stress about it. All this will be of little impact to your children either way once they’re older. It’s mostly about you. Good luck!

My nearly 2 year old started at 10 months too. I was quite nervous as my eldest didn't go til she was 13 months and it just seemed so much younger! Plus she was still BF.

But she actually settled quicker! And absolutely loves going there now. I know they are all different personalities, but I honestly think he'll be fine once he gets used to it. I found that the nursery staff have experienced it all and know how to handle it. I used to call regularly and they were so reassuring.

Hope the responses on here are making you feel a little better
x

Start him now before you go back with one morning a week. Tell them that if he cries too much you are happy to collect.

By the time it comes to him going a few days a week you will know if he is ready or not.

I used to be the Baby room leader and we had babies from 4 months.

Thank you for all the additional helpful messages and suggestions, it’s great to hear different opinions on the matter. I’m going to discuss it all with DP, he knows how I’m feeling about it, I think he feels it’s something I will get over as I was fine about it until recently (but then the closer going back to work becomes obviously the more I’m going to think about it) so I think he thinks I’m being slightly OTT and thinks we should give DS a chance to see how he would take to it, but he’s very open to discussing different options and although he earns more than I do I know he’d be happy to consider dropping down a day to take on a day of looking after our DS (Ultimately he would love being a SAHD and he’d be amazing at it but we need his salary). So there’s definitely discussions to be had to at least try and find ways of potentially pushing back DS starting in childcare. Thanks again to everyone taking the time to offer their advice and experiences

This times a million.

He will be fine.

If you're unsure about the setting then I can also recommend a childminder (though he'll be fine at nursery!). Before I met ours, I wasn't aware there were childminders like ours with a nursery feel - my daughter is one of 7 kids there, part of her home and garden is fully set up just for the kids, she has a curriculum, takes them on trips, has assistants. We got lots of updates and pictures when my daughter was settling in and a 2 week structured settling in period before she properly started. I'm sure a nursery would do something similar and they will anticipate needing to do things differently before he inevitably ends up falling into the rhythm that the other kids follow.

Also agree with looking at childminders - this worked really well for my clingy DC1, and there’s a relationship with one carer which I think can be helpful at that age.

But one thing I would suggest doing now is to practise leaving him with people other than you. Perhaps grandparents if they would have him for an hour while you get your hair done or pop to the shops? (Or hide in a cafe for an hour 😊) It will ease the transition if he starts to realise other people can offer comfort when you’re not there, and that will help you feel more confident about leaving him.

Good luck, it feels like a huge deal both leaving them and going back to work, but it definitely gets easier.

You could try to find a childminder for an environment closer to what he has st home and just one new carer. We sent both ours to childminders one full-time at 7 months and one part-time at 14 months. They were both bottle refusers who still breastfed in the day and wouldn't nap in a cot. They settled quickly and loved it. A bit of crying at drop-off and not eating well there for a week or two then just as happy as at home and being excited to go there.

We also sent DD2 to a small nursery some days at 14 months and she settled just as quicky there and they got her to have two naps a day in a cot!

You don't know how big the study was for that claim you found online, or how good the childcare settings were. In my limited experience kids I know who have attended good childcare have thrived.