My kids don't listen at all.

[Inkdrinker]

I have three kids, aged 10, 6 and 5.
For the most part the 10 year old listens, she may sulk about it but will do it.

My 5 and 6 year olds are rude. They shout at me, they scream and whine when they don't get their way. I have to ask and ask for them to do anything and even then they don't do it. I'm at a loss, I don't know what to do but I'm at my wits end. I'm so low right now and I feel like an absolutely rubbish parent.

My 6 year old is the worst, she has no respect for any of us and I don't even know how to discipline her anymore as I feel like I've tried every thing. They're both absolute angels in school, so I know they know how to behave. Why am I so rubbish at this?

Ok - they are still young enough that this is fixable. What exactly happens? What exactly is your response/consequences?

Aah OP big hugs. Parenting is hard. Dr Becky Kennedy’s book is helpful. She has an Instagram page too if you don’t want to buy a book.

I don't have any advice but I do know that a child who behaves for others/school and acts up at home is a child who trusts that they are safe at home to be themselves and let loose. I know this doesn't help with your situation but it does mean you're doing a good job in raising them to feel secure with you

I have similar issues with 1 of mine. Mouse at school. Lion at home. My main thing I've learnt is you have to follow through on consequences. Tell them once. Tell them again with warning and explicit consequence if they don't follow through. Then Stick with the consequence every single time. Make the consequence related to the behaviour if possible, eg no more screen time for 1 day if you don't turn it off now.

Honestly, as of right now, there are no consequences. I've completely given up because none of it seemed to work.

Any time I ask them to do anything, there is always an argument or a tantrum. My 5 year old is autistic and I struggle to know what is behavioural or the fact he's autistic.

My six year old has no respect, she will cry or scream to get what she wants. I've tried ignoring her behaviour but she goes on for a long time. Nothing ever pleases her. If I take them out or do anything nice for them, it will still not be good enough.

It normally ends up with my partner shouting at them which then triggers me as I have previous DV and I get upset and tell him to calm down as shouting sets me on edge, but he's just at the end of his tether too.

Something needs to change but I have zero idea what because I feel like we tried the calm parenting method, tried being understanding, tried being firm.

My 5yr old is so trying- I just send her to her room constantly and I will continue to do so on the hope she will eventually learn

Thank you, I'll take a look x

Thank you, at least I'm doing something right somewhere along the line 😅

Exactly this!

Thank you. I've found it hard knowing what consequences to even use. She loves her ipad but that's about it and her swimming lessons on Wednesdays x

Yes there should always be consequences but I think it's really really important to focus on the positive behaviour and notice every single time they do something kind, brave, thoughtful, show resilience etc. All the behaviours you want to see. Celebrate and reward. Try to remember that they feel unhappy, that's why they are lashing out. Most likely they want to do the right thing and they want attention and connection.

Right now my 5 year old is screaming and kicking off because he wants an apple.

He has literally just had dinner and a Banana it's over stupid shit but then they end up throwing a full blown tantrum which ruins everyone's mood.

Why can't he have the apple? You can't blame a 5/6 year old for ruining everyone's mood..

Because he will continue to ask for more food.

For example, yesterday he had dinner, then a banana, then an apple, then a kiwi, then crisps and then a fruit bar. It's just a tactic he uses to not go to sleep.

It's the behaviour that ruins our mood because we all get stressed and upset and it just ends up with us all being annoyed. I'm far from blaming him, it's my fault why he behaves this way. IVE gone wrong somewhere, not him. I'm the reason for this behaviour. I didn't mean to make it sound like I'm blaming him or any of my kids. It's just very very frustrating.

Another example is this morning I've asked my 6 year old to get her own underwear. Low and behold, a tantrum has broken out. It's exhausting, especially when it's over something silly.

I’ve got two dc with behavioural problems (even worse at school btw!)

The socks example you give, I have relented on and I put the socks out in advance as there could be a major meltdown if they have to get their own socks even though they could.

One small tip I was given by an agency that worked with my dc was to give a very small consequence for their behaviour eg five minutes without the iPad. Maybe it won’t work so well with yours as they’re younger but it could be a favourite toy or something. It’s a short consequence and easy to enforce and has as much impact as if it was longer. I had to stop sending to their rooms too as that never worked and caused more of a meltdown.

Can your 5 yr old tell time - even just the numbers on a digital clock?
Put a max time on food. So if bedtime is 8pm then at 7:30 he can have some more food if he’s hungry but at 8pm it’s not time for food now it’s time for teeth then bed and he can eat whatever fruit he’s suggesting tomorrow.

With the 6 year old would a timer work? So you have 3 minutes to go and get your underwear and socks from your drawer. Or you have 5 minutes to get dressed, here’s your clothes. Consequence for not being ready when the timer goes off is that they will be late for school/activity!

Thank you. I'm sorry you have trouble too. Parenting is so hard, and it's so easy to feel all the guilt 😔

I think that's a good idea because when I try to take the ipads off them for the whole weekend, it's just too much for all of us.

I'm going to give this a go, I think it may help.

The youngest one needs a more visual aid, I could make a click and then colour in the activities he should be doing when the arrow is pointing to whatever activity. No idea if that makes sense 🤔

No experience with autism but kids go through phases at different ages, there is always a very trying period...
With a little one, routine may be the best cure. My wife and I will chat, agree a course of action and stick to it. Then implement routine more strictly until things improve.
Some examples would be getting them out at weekends for walks/ swimming etc... Playdates.Doing fun things with them (try cooking?).
The naughty step worked well for one, removing privileges for another. But a strict routine worked best for everyone when times were tough. It's not easy, but just get out the house when you can. You need to be firm and consistent but try not to shout as it doesn't really work imho. If only it were that easy 😂

I found the book ‘how to talk so kids will listen’ very useful. My kids are very cooperative generally, though they don’t have SEN so obviously it is easier; however, restraint collapse after school is interesting to read about too.
They also imitate how the adults in the house talk to each other to some extent, so that can be an opportunity to show some examples.
You also really have to consider their perspective as they don’t have the intelligence yet to consider yours, so concepts such as respect will look different to them. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t respect you.

Is your 5 year old diagnosed? Has your 6 year old been assessed? Is the 6 year old a girl? Just wondering as it's not unusual for siblings to both be on the autistic spectrum but for girls to be overlooked.

From a more practical point of view, have you heard of NVR? Yvonne Newbold's Facebook page is a good place to start. It's a method that helped us a lot. We also have an ASD child who masks at school and is wild at home. We nearly broke up over it...

Be cautious with advice on here to be more authoritarian and give consequences. When the behaviour arises from anxiety, that kind of approach can make things worse (as you've found out with the ipad and the weekends).

Good books are 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child and The Explosive Child.

'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen', while an admirable book, doesn't work for autistic kids I don't think - certainly not at 5/6 - their receptive/expressive language often isn't developed enough.

Try anything you can to make more of a connection (mine is older so this means playing Roblox and watching her choice of telly!), distraction, novelty, tag teaming with your DH (3 is tricky though), letting the less important things go and locking away anything that regularly causes conflict.

Also your 10 year old may feel a bit left out with all this going on. Do you and DH spend one to one time with her?

And - ask the 10 year old for ideas! Mine occasionally comes up with great insights to help my friend's autistic 5 year old!

Theres a great book called 'the explosive child' which i found helpful for one of my children. Easy to read and lots of helpful advice