DS (5) says he hates me daily

[raspberryjuiceandpompoms]

Hi all, not sure what I want to hear… my 5yo DS has been horrible to me lately. He used to be wonderful, knew to be gentle and kind. Now he throws things at me, punches, says he hates me daily. I always reply that that’s ok and I love him anyways enough for two of us. But it’s been going on for about a month now daily and really started to get to me. I’m normally quite understanding and minimise shouting etc but he just wants to defy me at everything I say or do. He replies ’no it’s not’ to everything, tells me you’re not my boss you’re not even my teacher etc. is it a normal developmental phase? So draining…

I have 3 boys 2 of them grown ups now.
they all went through a phase of this but I quickly put a stop to it by stopping doing some of the nice things for them. Sweets after school, bed time story ect and then pointing out “well if you hate me I didn’t think you’d want me to do those things for you”
dont say it in anger tho just make the point that hurtful words have consequences.They soon learn not bite the hand that feeds them.
just to reassure you my older 2 have good jobs and are well rounded. You won’t scar them by making a point now and then xx

Behaviour is a form of communication- he must be seeing or experiencing this behaviour elsewhere to be coming home and replicating it

Id talk to his teacher he may be on the receiving end of this abuse at school

When does he do this? What’s it a response to?

mine have each said it a couple of times and I either ignored or told them I loved them despite their behaviour. I don’t react.

I’m sorry but I’d tell him it’s unacceptable to say that and certainly never again to hit you. You have to be firm, you’re not there to tell him it’s ok to hate. It’s not ok, it is a very strong word and it makes you feel desperately sad to hear him say it. You can say that to him.

@Flipflop23 thanks for your comment, i tried that last night - he got so so upset. Like sad upset than angry. He also likes to flip things like ‘it’s opposite day’ so I hate you means I love you but he knows what he says. Glad to hear your boys grew into wonderful young men. Hope my son does too and I don’t become an alcoholic in the process haha

@Quitelikeit i believe it too. His dad and I have been asking if anyone is mean to him but he says it’s all good. He hates school though.

@Slobbet oh different times… like I cut his toast without asking him, started making pancakes without him, refused to give him a piggyback upstairs, told him to get out of mud, asked to read homework a bit louder etc…

@ItsCalledAConversation he knows it is. He says it and watches me closely to see if it gets to me. If words don’t, he will push or throw or stick his tongue out or think of something that is more hurtful to say. He says he can’t help himself and feels out of control as if someone is pushing these buttons to tell him to do it. Go figure…

My son used to whisper to me in the school playground "go away, I hate you", I always firmly responded back, "well I love you", soon after my second son knew our combined response and we ld both just respond " well, we love you".

I think it's an attempted shock tactic attempting to take control of the situation.

Keep reminding him you love him and you are the parent making the decisions in his best interests and out of love for him.

My ds is now 14, still has an occasional slightly odd sense of humour, but is overall super sweet and kind and loving.

It's a phase, he loves you, he s flexing some verbal muscles.

I ld remind him, it's not nice to say those things and it hurts feelings and like a pp said, I ld ask him, why is he saying this and has anyone spoken to him like that, bacause it's not nice and not fair.

When he's calm, you can explain to him that being angry or sad with you is different to hating you, and it makes you sad when he says it as you know he doesn't mean it.

You can use terms like, I know you're angry but you still have to xxxx because xxxx. When he says you're not his boss or teacher, well actually, you are in charge of him whether he likes it or not.

Aggression towards you isn't acceptable, and if he hits you, you stop everything and remove him to somewhere quiet until he's calm again, reiterating that hitting hurts and isn't an acceptable thing to do.

Ultimately, keep reinforcing the boundaries. Don't give in for a quiet life ever. Kids need firm boundaries to feel secure. Make sure you notice ask the good stuff he does and praise him to high heaven. He'll learn that positive reinforcement is much nicer than negative attention.

Does he watch any YouTube or similar American style shows? The only reason is him referring to Opposite Day. My slightly older dcs watch some absolute guff programmes with American children constantly playing pranks on their parents which often include disrespectful behaviour and having a whole day as 'opposite day'. We let ours watch minimal amounts but if ever they watch more (poorly/travel etc) we notice it in their behaviours and have to remind them about real relationships and ways of behaving with your parents.

@Helpel ooh good shout, he watches American shows on Netflix. His favourite is The kicks and Henry Danger, I just assumed it was about football and some superhero kid so no harm but you’re right. I haven’t watched those with him to see if there’s any disrespectful language. He’s normally allowed 1h of telly after he did his homework so I can cook dinner and feed the baby.

My dd got like this at 5, pulled her bedtime forward half an hour and it stopped. I think she was just a bit tired!

How old is the baby?

@Sleepwalkingintothewall ah bless! I know how she feels! DS takes aaages to fall asleep no matter what time I put him in bed 😩 he might be tired though because he recently moved phonics group up and now working at the highest level, he says he hates school all the time because‘it’s not fun’.

@JanglyBeads shes 8 months.

Mine all hated school at that age and were totally exhausted and overwhelmed with it. It reflected in their behaviour for about a year, then they seemed to develop more resilience and stamina.

Now he throws things at me, punches, says he hates me daily. I always reply that that’s ok

Only it isn't OK with you, is it? So you've given him the wrong message.

Rewrite the mesage and start again.

"Ouch, that really hurt."
"That was very unkind"

Yes I think the "showering him with love" approach is the wrong one too.

I'd be telling him "that's not a nice thing to say and I don't appreciate it. You need to apologise to mummy or I am going to be cross with you. If you say it again, there will be consequences" and then follow through with some consequences.

I bet the new baby has a lot to do with this, that and tiredness from school. He may be feeling insecure and that’s exacerbated by tiredness so he is pushing boundaries to get a reaction.

I think calm reaction, reassurance that you love him but telling him that’s not ok behaviour, and some early nights. Are you able to manage 1-1 time with him without the baby? If so make a big deal of it - Won’t it be lovely to be just us two, no baby to interrupt us! Etc.

@2bazookas you’re right, I should word it better. I think my judgement is clouded as he’s usually such a kind and loving boy! He never even had tantrums like that even when he was 2 or 3…

@Dacadactyl fair enough! He’s quick to apologise thankfully … only after sufficiently pouring all of his energy at me.

@minipie i guess I could do more one on one time with him. Although I think he prefers dad to play footie with him…

A you tuber I watch. Had a q and a with her teenagers and one of the questions was the most annoying thing she does. They all answered. "She says I love you to much to argue with you" when they try to get a rise from her. Could you do that to ds? He says "I hate you' you respond " That makes me feel sad but I love you too much to argue about it" this means you acknowledge both your own feelings and that you have different opinions at that moment and that's ok. It also takes the sting out of "mum feels sad'

As a rule I saw it as a win when my teenagers rolled their eyes when I Said I love you to them. I knew they were that secure in that love they could express their cringe.. now in the early 20s they respond 'I love you too mum' and we had a fair few hate yous over the years.

@Enko thanks so much for this tip! Telling him I love him too much to argue, have firmer boundaries, letting him be (in general) and no more American TV series helped massively!! All peaceful in our household again (for now) 😊 x

I think that children often confuse ‘anger’ with a whole range of other ‘not very comfortable to feel’ emotions and it seems like a more acceptable one to express. Perhaps try reading about emotions with him (lots of great children’s books about feelings available - The Colour Monster is nice for that age and probably used at school) and identify more emotions. You could model this yourself eg ´oh the baby is crying again and I’ve just sat down for the first time today. I feel a bit frustrated. I’m going to take some breaths just here before I go to help her’.
Try reading Margot Sunderland ‘The Science of Parenting’ or similar. Philippa Perry has more recent books on parenting and emotions.

Show him some boundaries for goodness sake. Telling him it's ok to be violent and verbally abusive to someone who loves him is a great life lesson to be teaching him.

He will continue until you put a stop to it. Remove him to his bedroom, put him on a naughty step, remove him from your presence, take away treats. He's old enough to stop this and learn how dreadful this behaviour is.

If you've ruled out other problems, you need to tackle this. Kids push boundaries until they are stopped.

Why would you say its ok when it's clearly not but your basically saying its ok to say I hate you. Not had it with any of our 4 and wouldn't be acceptable anyhow..But one cousin has an 8 year old now and since he was 4 she has let him yell,scream,punch,kick etc at her and done nothing about it..Now he is 8 bullies other children still abuses her,constantly in detention at school etc all because she didn't put a stop to it. Now she tries to stop him and its impossible