Sending toddler to nursery on mat leave

[Keha]

I have a 2 month old and a nearly 3 year old DD, currently on mat leave. DD will get 30hours nursery place in April and we have a nursery place lined up for when I go back to work in autumn. I am keen for her to start going to nursery though in April. They only have afternoons available currently so we would be looking at 2 afternoons a week. She already goes to grandparents 2 afternoons a week (different grandparents). DH works shifts which are all over the place but include 12 hour days and nights so I often have DC for quite long stretches on my own and also do all night wakes. My DD is also quite clingy to me, maybe because of the baby but she was like that anyway. Me and DH have had quite a lot of discussion/argument about the balance of housework/rest/childcare recently. Generally we have a good relationship and I think a lot of this is just adjusting to new baby. However he has implied that he doesn't think DD needs to start nursery so soon, that he doesn't understand why I want her "out of the house" more, implies that there may be an issue with my relationship with her, queried whether I'm depressed.
The cost of nursery is not an issue. Because his shifts vary he is keen she is at home as well on the off chance he is not working that day. He does take her out but for a couple of hours at a time and the rest of the time she'll generally prefer me to do everything with her. I feel like she would benefit from more stimulation that nursery can provide and I would really like more afternoons to nap, play with baby, get jobs done round the house. On days where he at work for 12 hours, I do struggle and if she was in nursery for the afternoon this would really help me. I want her to enjoy nursery, not feel like she is being rejected though?

Any thoughts? Am I unreasonable for being happy/okay with a plan for her to be in childcare 4 afternoons a week? Would this indicate a problem? Is it a bad idea for her? (She loves going to grandparents and toddler groups etc so I do think she would grow to love nursery). Did you send an older child to nursery on mat leave or keep them both at home?

I’d start when the funding kicks in too - get them into a routine ready for you going back to work.
my daughter will carry on going while on mat leave!

I had a 2.5 yr old when my second was born and kept him in nursery 4 days a week.
I really struggled on the Friday afternoon when I had them both. It's very hard if you are breastfeeding etc I just wouldn't have coped. 2.5 yr old was absolutely fine. Had more fun at nursery!

I kept DS1 with his much adored childminder full time when DS2 was born. It gave him stability and me more time with DS2 (which DS1 had had by virtue of being the eldest). DS1 was 3.5 when DS2 was born.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Nursery gives good routine and socialisation, plus you get time to give the baby proper attention. Sounds like it would be good for all three of you

Suggest you leave DH home alone with toddler and baby for a day and see how he feels after that!

37 weeks with DC2 and DC1 will still be going to nursery 3 days a week, which will be 5 days a week when he gets his 30 hours free. I'll return to work full time after this mat leave so need to make sure he gets his days and keeps them

You're not being unreasonable at all

Dd was 20 months when ds was born and very sociable; I kept her at the childminders 3 days a week during school hours (I also have an older dd so would meet the cm in the playground) until she qualified for her 15 hours at preschool.

We have a great relationship (she’s now 9) and I’d have been very pissed off with dh, who also worked long and unpredictable hours at the time, if he’d suggested I was trying to get rid of her.

It's easy for your DH to suggest keeping her home as it won't be him doing all the work.

I'm currently on maternity leave and I've continued to send my eldest to preschool. He enjoys it, is learning lots and it's teaching him social skills in a way I couldn't do. Whenever I've got both children at home together, I struggle to get quality one to one time with the baby.

Age gap between our two boys is 2 years 9 months.

Of course YANBU… as pp says, get DH to do a few 12 hour days with both DC and see if he still thinks sending her to nursery means he should be “concerned about your relationship with DD”.

Or alternatively if you’re feeling charitable say that you want to give the baby some undivided attention like DD got.

Everyone I know who works, which is nearly everyone I know, kept their older child in nursery over mat leave because they'd lose the place otherwise, which they obviously needed when they went back to work. I actually think 3 when the funded hours kick in is quite late - mine enjoyed the stimulation much earlier than that. An afternoon session is literally a few hours, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

DS was 2.5 when DD was born and he carried on his (private) nursery as he was before doing 3 days a week and my mum taking him 1 day a week. We could afford it so why change his routine? I liked having the time with DD the same as I'd had with DS as a baby.

Mine was just 2 and 4 days when our youngest was born and we paid for him to continue his 2 days a week at nursery (8-5). Absolutely the right decision for everyone but especially my son. He's in a different preschool setting now 4 days a week (I only work 3) because he loves it that much. Can't wait to see his friends. He's sociable, confident and resilient and nursery has always been a really enriching experience for him. He would have been bored spending 5 days a week with me and baby and it meant on the days we were together I had the energy to take him place and keep him entertained.

We did it before the 30 hours. There's only a 17 month gap between mine and it gave me time with my son as a baby and she enjoyed nursery.

We chose to pay for our DD to start nursery 2 afternoons a week from the age of 2 specifically in anticipation of our baby’s arrival (now 3 weeks old and DD is 2.5) so that she’d have a break from being around baby and I’d be able to spend some time just with baby. I think this is one of the best decisions we made as it’s extremely hard having both at home all day. YANBU!

DD was about to turn 3 when DS was born but due to the funding and when her birthday was she would have been 3 and 5 months when 30 hours kicked in so she did 2 days a week from when she was 3 while I was on maternity leave. It gave her some much needed stimulation when I was very tired and gave me time with baby DS to have lots of attention but also a bit of an easier time as a baby and toddler is a lot.

Oh my word, if it's affordable, do it and don't look back!

Didn't even read your whole post. Get her into nursery, don't spend a second feeling anything but good about that decision. Enjoy the 1:1 time with your baby (that no1 had automatically and the only way no2 gets it is if you have childcare) and the chance to have a rest!

Hi OP, your partner is being a dick honestly.

When I had a toddler and a newborn the toddler had far better stimulating, quality play at nursery with cooking, messy play, sand pit, a million toys, loads of friends and a good child/staff ratio...

Much more fun than being sat watching tv while I breastfed the baby and tried not to fall asleep!

Him implying you're rejecting/failing her is unkind. I'd call him on it, honestly. You deserve his understanding not criticism.

She needs to be in childcare. She'll be bored rigid and you'll lose your mind otherwise

Same as this for me - worked great and everyone happy

However he has implied that he doesn't think DD needs to start nursery so soon, that he doesn't understand why I want her "out of the house" more,

You need to leave him on his own with her for three days straight. Then he'll realize

Definitely keep in nursery if it doesn't make finances too hard. Quality time with each set of grandparents and then 2 afternoons of fun activities at nursery that she's won't get at home? No question for me tbh!

Do whatever feels right to you

I work in a nursery and this is such a normal thing to do, we certainly don't bat an eyelid when it happens at ours.
Also, I was a SAHM when mine were small and they also went to nursery when they turned 3 even though I was at home... and I love kids!

Nursery nurse of 15 years here. I come across this situation a lot, and I definitely think it would benefit both you and your DD if you put her into Nursery a few days a week.

A consistent routine is so important in early years. Your DD will adapt quickly and will soon be bursting through the Nursery doors, excited to see her friends and teachers.

Quite frankly your dh is being a knob. He's not the one who will have to juggle a toddler and a newborn baby while being sleep deprived every day.

Send her to Nursery and don't look back.

Thank you for everyone's (unanimous) response. It's has really reassured me. I think DH is really lacking in understanding on this and I don't want to be unfair on him as in many ways he is very understanding, but he does only have them together for short bursts and it's a novelty. He used to do quite a lot of childcare before I went on mat leave (he was part-time) and he has said this evening he remembers how exhausted he was having just DD for 8 hours.