2.5 year old HATES HATES HATES other children

[Seasonofthewitch83]

DD is 2.5 and an only child. She has been at the same nursery since she was 1.

As a younger toddler she was very outgoing, loved running up to other children at the park, but as she got older she became noticeably warier of them, didn't like it if another child came up behind her to use the slide etc.

She went through a little stage of not wanting to go anywhere where there would be children. We would get to a playground and she started screaming 'no' and cry and want to be picked up. I would walk her around in my arms to settle her, but she would only be happy when we left.

She has never been an outgoing toddler really, little spurts of it maybe. She isnt the toddler throwing herself around at softplay. She is observant, wary and always watching what other children are doing. Nursery say the same - she is never the first to run up to an activity - she stands back and observes before deciding if she wants to join in. If too many children crowd her she walks off and does something else.

It just seems to be escalating though. We did swimming weekly and she loved it but then all of a sudden, as soon as another child made a noise she would get really upset and want to leave. Same thing happened with baby ballet class. And softplay. and playground.

I spoke to the nursery as they said they had noted she was becoming distressed in particular by children crying or screaming loudly and they take her into a quiet sensory room now when she gets overwhelmed. She has a strong attachment to another child in class and a few little 'friends' and overall is very happy at nursery apart from the noise overload.

I am just becoming quite overwhelmed with knowing what to do to help her. I have asked for an appointment for her ears to be checked in case its a sensitivity thing with noise. I stopped all activities and let her relax at home on a Saturday and take her to the park really early for a runaround so she doesn't get upset and scared by other children. But its SO limiting, I couldn't even go shopping with her as there was a screeching child in a shop and became inconsolable. Other times she just looks like she's almost disassociated - she blanks out.

What do I do to help her here?

Also the developing seemingly on par until 1/1.5 years is a big indicator of autism and jumped out at me.

It may or may not be and I hate internet diagnosis but I always say it's worth assessment by a developmental pead to get some help and support with the difficulties they are experiencing anyway.

She goes 5 days a week but we make it as short as we can - I drop her either 9 or 9.30ish and DH picks her up between 4.30 and 5. I keep her home when I feel she needs it and we stopped doing child led activities and classes on a Saturday to let her have time to decompress and go by her lead on what we think shes going to manage that day.
Its hard, I do worry about emotional stress but dropping a day isnt an option financially and the nursery are extremely good at meeting her needs.

Interestingly it was around this time that her speech came on - she was behind, enough to warrant a SALT referral from the HV at 2, but all her other milestones were ok. She then had an explosion of language but functional language still behind and she doesnt talk really when out of the house.
I absolutely think there is some autism at play, you are right.

Assuming you are in the UK, maybe the lockdowns have had an effect?

Pre-lockdown, my youngest would tell anyone (actually anyone) our entire life story. Chatting away to anyone.

Now, we have noticed a big difference. Doesn't like crowded places, doesn't like too many people, won't chat to anyone, doesn't like noisy places. It's like she can no longer deal it.

It could easily be a sensory processing disorder but it could also be something more simple.

Does she react physically to the noise?Covering her ears? Or shielding her body as if she might get hurt?

Nurserys can be very busy places and quite often little ones can hit out at other children or throw things when they are overwhelmed. I do wonder if your little girl has associated other children's screams and cries with such unpredictable behaviour. This could be the cause her anxiety.

Maybe get friendly with the parents of the girl who she plays with and invite them over for 1-1 playdates. Then work up to taking them to the park together, see if the friendship helps her feel safer.

It's definitely worth a try with ear defenders though. Also as a last resort, if she really is finding nursery too overwhelming it may be worth considering a childminder instead. There will be less children/ noise and more predictability.

Hope you find a way to help her x

Thank you - nursery have said shes formed a very strong friendship with another girl and have suggested a playdate so we are going to try that!
She doesn't hit out but she does 'retreat' away from the noisier children at nursery - she backs herself into a corner or goes and takes her dollys to the playhouse, and when its bad she will cry and that is normally when they remove her and take her to a sensory room for some calm time.
For the last few months, if we are anywhere where there is a child that she can hear, she will stop what she's doing, demand to be picked up and get upset and start throwing herself about in my arms until we leave. This is doable in open spaces like parks. If it happens on a bus, then she either becomes inconsolable or buries her head in me, depending on how loud and shrieky the noise is. This is why I think ear defenders may really help her.
I recall one day in August we took her to a splash park, and she got very upset so we had to sit on a quiet patch of grass away from all the children. After about half an hour to calm down and assess the situation, she was happy to play in the water although she still didnt like children approaching her and would recoil away from them if they got close. She was then fine again for about two months, and then it starts again, but each phase seems longer and more extreme each time.
I did consider a childminder but the good ones seem few and far between and she has strong attachment with her keyworker, BUT I always keep it open as a possibility.

It absolutely could be a factor - we do not have any children in our family so she has no siblings or cousins to form bonds with, and we would go months without seeing family. I took her to baby classes every time there was a break in lockdown but she wasnt keen on other babies even then!

I didn't mean that your daughter hits out sorry. Just that if other children have hit her in the past she may be scared of them doing it again, which is why she may recoil.

She seems to want to move physically out of the way and get herself to a safe space which made me think that she is scared more, rather than the noise itself. Children with sound sensitivity tend to cover their ears more.

You know her best mumma, always listen to your gut. Hope the playdates help her x

Thank you! Sorry I didnt read your message properly - and yes it does seem like sometimes she is scared OF the children rather than the noise and associates them with the fear.
Or vice versa. This is what I need to find out! x

The ear defenders may give a clue. If she wants them on and feels better then its likely the noise. But if she refuses to wear them because she wants to see where the noise is coming from, it may be due to the fear of what's going to happen next after the loud noise.

Hope you get to the bottom of it x

After reading your update about nursery, it's really great that they are taking her to the sensory room but would it be possible for them to do this earlier. So for example, if they see she is retreating, then take her there before she becomes distressed?

Also in regards to covering ears with hands, I've never done this, despite my sensitivity to noise and neither did the little boy I looked after.

i could have written this about my son when he was about that age. He didn’t go to nursery (plus covid lockdown at that age) so he was really wary of other children, in particular hated other children crying or getting upset as well as people being physical with him. I read the book the highly sensitive child which I see someone else recommended and it was incredibly reassuring. He’s benefitted from children being generally less physical/less pushy as they’ve got older. He started nursery a few mornings a week when he turned 3 and hated other children crying but we discussed what they might be feeling and why and we considered what he might want if he felt sad. He is now 4 and a couple of months ago told me that he asked a child who was crying if they were okay and wanted a hug or some water - I wouldn’t have believed we’d ever get there. Today at soft play he made friends with another child and ran off with then and their dad for a good 45 minutes. It does get easier but it’s a hard developmental stage to watch x

I moved my DD to another nursery and she was absolutely fine afterwards

She became annoyed with annoying boys running around and there being no proper structure unlike her previous nursery (we had moved town)

Thank you everyone!

I have brought the highly sensitive child and it absolutely resonates as I have started to read.

We brought some ear defenders to try and I used them this morning on the noisy bus to nursery and she was much calmer, less clingy. There were a group of children at the nursery door and she started getting agitated so we hung back and let them go in before approaching the door. She then went into nursery calm and happy, which she hasnt done in months.

Will keep the thread updated with how we find using them in other settings and the update from her hearing tests...

One thing we have also considered is she may also have selective mutism, as in conversation with DH last night we mused at how she did not really talk when we are out of the house. I met a friend for coffee today with a child a similar age to DD and seeing the little girl chat and play made me realise how different DD is...

Get her hearing properly checked. She might need grommets or something

She sounds similar to my DD who is now 4.5. Nobody ever has concerns about her except for us, haha. I'm autistic myself so that's on my radar as she is very similar to me in some ways - but then very different in others. I don't want to pathologise all her behaviour though - some people are more sensitive to noise than others, some people don't like certain environments, and so on, and its just who they are and it's not a medical condition. She does have ear defenders and she uses these in some circumstances such as childrens birthday parties, fun fairs, firework displays, festivals, that kind of thing where I anticipate it might be very loud and they do really help her. She has a good many friends from various different settings but struggles with larger group interactions and settings. When in a brand new environment with brand new adults or children she literally won't say a word to start with. E.g. her first day of holiday club she said asked another child one short question late afternoon not long before she was picked up, and hadn't said a single word to anyone all day otherwise.

Absolutely! Some things are just normal toddler behaviour but when grouped together can become a 'thing' or 'problem'. Some children are just shy, sensitive, observant. I do not want to label her while she is so young but also want to make sure I am doing everything I can to ensure she meets milestones and is happy and developing well.

Hi @Seasonofthewitch83 how is your little girl doing?

Hi any updates please ? 😊

[edited to remove because i didn’t realise
this was an old post]