Is it ever wrong to breastfeed your baby?

[whattodo22222]

As the title says really. I have breastfed our 8 month old daughter against her father's wishes (he would've preferred formula) because I was convinced it was best for her. We've now split and this is a contributing factor (obviously a lot more has gone on but he is blaming this heavily). Was I wrong to BF her?

He's a prick, OP.

I struggled with breastfeeding. It hurt like mad for the first 8 weeks. My milk didn't come in well and he lost loads of weight. We got readmitted with jaundice as a result, and then had daily midwife visits, and even the GP advised we switched to formula and said there was no glory in breastfeeding and formula was fine. I sobbed.

DH was absolutely there for me. He bought DS to me all the time. He bought me drinks, and cakes, and encouraged me to nap. He must have gone to get me eight million different nipple creams, even though none helped. When we did have to do some formula top ups, he tried to hide the bottles from me and lived with the inevitable hormonal tears every time we did it...

And he bonded in a million other ways. Bathtimes, burping, cuddles, holding him while I slept, changing 90% of the nappies, getting him dressed.

He's been a dick. It's a personal choice how you feed your baby but breastfeeding is a sacrifice, as much as it's a joy; and he should have supported your decision, not used it as a backhanded way to get out of any responsibility towards your baby and then proclaimed it as the reason he hasn't bonded.

He hasn't bonded because he hasn't tried.

He's using it as an excuse. Also, it sounds like he was trying to control you and has found a way to blame you for problems because you didn't do exactly as he wanted. You and your child are better of without. I have breastfed my 12 month old all her life and my DH is completely besotted, she has always settled well for him and they've got a very strong bond.

I think you are better off, he sounds very controlling.

@whattodo22222
Breastfeeding absolutely doesn’t stop the baby from “Bonding “ with the dad.
He sounds jealous and it’s natural for the baby to prefer it’s mother over the father in early days.

Of course you did the right thing.

My violent ex tried to report me to SS after I said I'd be breastfeeding DS1. He called them yelling that I was a child abuser. To their credit, they couldn't have made him look more ridiculous and they told him in no uncertain terms what a twat he was being.

Certain men need to stop sexualising breasts.

'Scuse me Mr Judge. She's a meanie as she won't bottle feed the baby cos she says it's best. Because of this, everything is her fault.

Judge - you're ridiculous.

He's a nob, of course you weren't wrong to breastfeed your baby!! I can't even believe it needs to be said - he must have really been grinding you down for you to even ask this?

I do not understand this bonding argument I see so often. There's plenty of ways to bond with a baby.

He sounds so horrible and selfish. You've done the best thing for you baby by breastfeeding and getting rid of her narcissistic father. I grew up with a narcissistic father and it was so awful; I'd far rather have lived with just my Mum. I no longer speak to him.

I breastfed both my daughters and DH supported me and bonded with then by holding them, rocking then, changing them, bathing them and playing with them. They were closer to me as tiny babies but that was the same as with formula fed babies and their mums.

Thank you so much everyone. Its not often you get a unanimous verdict on MN. I feel a little bit better now, but still so sad and overwhelmed at all the practicalities I have to deal with now

He sounds nuts. You are well shot of him op 🙌

By breastfeeding, you've also reduced your risk of breast cancer. How could your ex have the right to stop you doing that for your own sake, let alone your baby's?

he fucking LOST INTEREST ????
so how does he think all the normal sane fathers of breastfed babies bond with them?
you are both so much better off without him
It really is not the case that any father is better than no father - clearly he wasn't that interested in her, and happy to try and control you, so congratulations on getting rid
stay strong!

You have carried your baby for 9 months. You feed how is best suited to you and your baby.

I'm the opposite, I was pressured to bf. Didn't really enjoy it, glad I tried, inverted nipples I didn't know I had hindered me a bit.

He thinks it's the reason he hasn't bonded with her

I would like to lay this bollocks of a myth to rest.

Feeding your baby is not the only way to bond with them. In fact I didn't feel that breastfeeding was particularly bonding. DH bonded with DD just as much as I did. He cuddled her, changed her nappy and played with her. That is true bonding.

He thinks it's the reason he hasn't bonded with her.

It is not the reason. This is shite.

My ex pulled this shite despite pressuring me to breastfeed.

Thank you for sharing this, it's really affirming that I've made the right choice. I'm trying to think of how it'll be when we have our own little home full of just love, even if it's only the two of us. It's scary thinking of how I'll get there but the thought is keeping me going.

Shocking. Breastfeeding is hard and being guilted about doing it yet still continuing for 8 months is bloody fantastic. He is clearly going to be controlling about more than just than and seems a man who wants his own way.

My goodness you've done well. If mum and baby are happy breastfeeding then it's the right thing. Bet he doesn't even know the cost of formula! He was awful and going to say any reason to leave.

Good luck to you and enjoy your home full of love

This was not about breastfeeding, it was about controlling and belittling you. He could not do it and therefore he used it to attack you.

My DH has bonded beautifully with our children who I breastfed. It's really no excuse. They are not breastfeeding literally 24 hours a day - there are always other things that need doing.

I bet my life if you had switched to formula or pumped you would have ended up doing 100% of feeds anyway! I remember my ex, the father of my first going on and on and bloody ON about me pumping, so eventually I pumped him a bottle, he fed him once and then I pumped again but he never fed him ever again I froze the milk and saved it for a babysitter.

It's very common for abuse to begin, or escalate, during pregnancy or shortly after you give birth.

I'd bet you if you opted for formula you'd have been doing something else "wrong" to him.

Its interesting you say that about your ex. The few times I have pumped he hasn't even warmed the milk before giving it to her. But obviously I'm criticising his parenting if I say anything.

I've read this a lot. I've read that it's because the man is jealous of the baby, usually. This doesn't seem quite right in our case though as it seems like he dislikes me so much that he couldn't possibly be jealous of someone else having my time and attention. He would actively avoid us most of the time he was home.

I’m actually gobsmacked.

There are so many other ways other than feeding to bond with baby.
I formula feed, I wanted to breastfeed but for a number of reasons it didn’t work for us much to my constant mum guilt - my DH works insane hours and is rarely here in the day and I do all the night feeds as he’s up really early so however I fed her, it’s down to me mostly anyway.

He bonds with her in different ways, she knows who daddy is and lights up when she sees him. Not because he has a bottle in his hand sometimes.

You’re well shot of him. It’s an excuse. He’s done you a favour.

much love, congrats on your baby x

OP, my take on this is that its not so much about the jealousy, that's an explanation other people come up with. I think its more that when you are pregnant- and even more when the baby is born- you feel much more dependent on a man, and it's much harder, practically and emotionally to leave. So an abusive man will feel OK about stepping up the abusive behaviour, because what will the woman do? Unless she has lots of support, or is very determined, she is stuck.