Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Is it ever wrong to breastfeed your baby?

74 replies

whattodo22222 · 30/01/2023 10:19

As the title says really. I have breastfed our 8 month old daughter against her father's wishes (he would've preferred formula) because I was convinced it was best for her. We've now split and this is a contributing factor (obviously a lot more has gone on but he is blaming this heavily). Was I wrong to BF her?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Seasonofthewitch83 · 30/01/2023 11:06

He sounds like a controlling, insecure dickhead.

There are LOADS of ways to bond with a baby other than feeding it - my DH always did bathtime and took her out for walks when she was just fed.

You are soooo better off without him, he has shown you his true colours. A good man and husband is not jealous of a baby getting the best nourishment possible.

bussteward · 30/01/2023 11:09

whattodo22222 · 30/01/2023 10:47

He thinks it's the reason he hasn't bonded with her. He wanted me to pump as a compromise but anyone who has breast fed knows that they're attached to your breast almost 247 in the early days and pumping isn't recommended for the first 6 weeks whilst your supply regulates. By the time we got past that point he'd lost interest and said he didn't want to help in other ways because I wouldn't listen to him re. feeding. He would complain that all I did was "sit around breastfeeding all day"

Show quote history

Ugh, he sounds like a prince. FWIW I BF my daughter till she was 3 and her bond with her dad is so great, she likes him best! He wore her in the sling and carrier, did nappies, played with her, cuddled her to sleep, etc. Millions of ways for dads to bond: this isn’t about bonding; he wanted control.

Calphurnia88 · 30/01/2023 11:11

I pretty much EBF until introducing solids and now DS is BF plus solids.

It has in no way had a detrimental impact on DP's relationship with DS, he gets more smiles than I do!

Yes in the early weeks it feels like you're BF all the time, but that's because milk is their only source of nourishment and they need to feed a lot. DP still had plenty of bonding time with DS.

He sounds incredibly naive about parenthood

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
twoandcooplease · 30/01/2023 11:11

You're so much better off x
You have done no harm breastfeeding your dd and I bet you have a lovely bond

Him saying he doesn't have one with her and packing up using BFing as an excuse is ridiculously immature. What a lazy lazy father to not use his small brain to come up with something else that might form a bond with his daughter. Instead, throwing it away before she's even 1. Idiot

You and dd are much better off x

Blughbablugh · 30/01/2023 11:14

bussteward · 30/01/2023 11:09

Ugh, he sounds like a prince. FWIW I BF my daughter till she was 3 and her bond with her dad is so great, she likes him best! He wore her in the sling and carrier, did nappies, played with her, cuddled her to sleep, etc. Millions of ways for dads to bond: this isn’t about bonding; he wanted control.

Show quote history

This! Same with my ds who is 18 months. I'm still feeding him now and my dh has never said anything negative about my decision to breastfeed. My ds loves his Dad and is always saying dada. It's because my dh has put the effort in. He's played with him and takes him out regularly to the park. He gives him his bath, changes his nappy and reads to him.
It takes more effort to bond with your child than just giving them a bottle. Supporting the Mum plays a huge part in this.

ThisGirlNever · 30/01/2023 11:16

Has your baby gained sufficient weight from breast feeding?

My milk never really arrived in sufficient quantities for DS2. I exclusively breastfed for 8 weeks, but he was constantly hungry/crying. He was also born in the 2nd percentile for weight, which added stress to the situation.

DH was supportive, but would have preferred to have started with formula top-ups from birth, but I was concerned about that impacting my milk supply.

Was your husband focussed on the needs of the baby (the baby is hungry and needs a formula feed) or was it more about his wants/'needs'?

MeinKraft · 30/01/2023 11:18

You've done your baby two favours. You've breastfed her, and you've got her horrible father out of the house. Well done you!

CoffeeTaster · 30/01/2023 11:18

I imagine that if you had chosen to formula feed that would also have been wrong. He doesn't actually care, he just wants to make you wrong

ladycarlotta · 30/01/2023 11:18

If it hadn't been the breastfeeding it would have been something else. He couldn't handle you doing something for your baby that millions of mums do and millions of dads/other parents somehow manage to cope with. Your relationship is not the first that breastfeeding has ever occurred within!

I EBF - baby wouldn't take a bottle at all - but her father still got to bond with her even in the early days: he'd have baths with her, let her nap on him, take her out while I rested... there are millions of things your baby's father could have done (and could still do!) to build his relationship with her. Breastfeeding really doesn't exclude him. But it's easier for him to blame you for the effects of his own lack of initiative or interest.

You're well rid. Keep making the right choices for yourself and your daughter, and don't let him make you doubt yourself.

Camillialane · 30/01/2023 11:19

The only contributing factor in your situation is him not supporting you. Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world, and anyone who is not supportive of you wanting to feed your baby is wrong. That is all on him. None of that is you.

Bunny2021 · 30/01/2023 11:19

Coffeellama · 30/01/2023 10:50

Let’s be perfectly clear here OP, you did not loose her father because you breastfed! He is gone because he is an asshole, he is 100% wrong and you did what is best for your baby, and as an added bonus, you are not stuck with that man anymore. Don’t ever feel guilty for putting your DD first OP. Sorry you are having a hard time 💐

Show quote history

^this! @Coffeellama is completely correct.

You have your future and that of your DD’s to think about here. She has not lost a father, she’s gained an independent and strong mother who stands up for her beliefs.

Seeline · 30/01/2023 11:21

Even if you had switched to bottles (and you were 100% right not to!), I bet he would have only wanted to bond during daytime hours. Night time feeds would not have contributed to bonding - that would still have been your job.

Mulefathethird · 30/01/2023 11:24

Only wrong if you are on dangerous medication. Nowadays more important with cost of living and more potential for shortages or contamination. I found it better if someone else took DC between feeds as they were not getting whiffs of milk and whiney and then were hungrier when they came back to me. Especially in the evening. This gave other family members bonding time from very early.

Squamata · 30/01/2023 11:25

whattodo22222 · 30/01/2023 10:47

He thinks it's the reason he hasn't bonded with her. He wanted me to pump as a compromise but anyone who has breast fed knows that they're attached to your breast almost 247 in the early days and pumping isn't recommended for the first 6 weeks whilst your supply regulates. By the time we got past that point he'd lost interest and said he didn't want to help in other ways because I wouldn't listen to him re. feeding. He would complain that all I did was "sit around breastfeeding all day"

Show quote history

Translation:
It wasn't all about him and he couldn't handle it
You were making decisions about your own body that didn't concern him and he couldn't handle it
His needs weren't taking centre stage and he couldn't handle it

A baby grows in a woman's body then comes out and has a close bond with the mother. The baby has heard her voice, knows her smell etc. Breastfeeding can be part of the bond but it works if you feed formula too.

In the early days there is plenty of cooking, washing, baby burping etc to do. It's a supporting role to begin with.

He sounds immature, selfish, self-centred. What if you've switched to formula and he'd still not felt a 'bond'? Babies aren't toys you get a go with, being a parent is about creating a suitable environment as well as the fun interactive bits.

Marden11302 · 30/01/2023 11:27

Absolutely not, you feed your baby however you want to.

Original poster
whattodo22222 · 30/01/2023 11:30

ThisGirlNever · 30/01/2023 11:16

Has your baby gained sufficient weight from breast feeding?

My milk never really arrived in sufficient quantities for DS2. I exclusively breastfed for 8 weeks, but he was constantly hungry/crying. He was also born in the 2nd percentile for weight, which added stress to the situation.

DH was supportive, but would have preferred to have started with formula top-ups from birth, but I was concerned about that impacting my milk supply.

Was your husband focussed on the needs of the baby (the baby is hungry and needs a formula feed) or was it more about his wants/'needs'?

Yes she has. She's stayed on the 25th centile from birth and was crawling at 5.5 months so no weight / development issues.

He did think she was always hungry at the beginning because of the cluster feeding behaviours and said that formula would get her to sleep. My mum used to be a BF peer supporter so I knew that the behaviour wasn't concerning and just normal (although super challenging!) for a BF baby.

Whenever I said how tired I was he would say I've chosen to be tired because I'm breastfeeding.

Sorry, you know when you just need to say things out loud to people who won't automatically be on your side because they're you're family / friends? And that's when you really see how crazy events are

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 30/01/2023 11:31

Can i just say you are a fantastic Mum. You put what your baby needs first.
You have great instinct. Trust it.

HermioneWeasley · 30/01/2023 11:34

he sounds awful. If it wasn’t this he’d have found another excuse to ditch you and your daughter. You are both better off without him.

bakewellbride · 30/01/2023 11:34

Your ex is full of shit! My son breastfed until he was over 16 months and when he was little he fed loads and he never once had a bottle. Dh supported this fully and even came along with me to a breastfeeding class to learn how to best support me. He bonded with ds by changing nappies, bathing, cuddling etc.

Ds is at school now and totally besotted with his dad, definitely prefers him over me!

You are doing the right thing by breastfeeding your child and it's your choice! Don't let anyone ever convince you otherwise.

Rhino94 · 30/01/2023 11:35

No not at all it’s your choice! I breast my 1st until nearly 3 and my current ds is still feeding at nearly 2. At no point has my husband told me not to, there are other ways to bond with the baby, my husband used to rock to sleep after a feed and he’s still the one my 2 year old looks for to cuddle him to sleep after his last feed at bedtime.

dammiejodger · 30/01/2023 11:39

You've done your daughter a favour by leaving him. What a twat

Fed my first for 16 months, he wouldn't take a bottle. Fed my second for 2years 2 months, didn't bother with a bottle. DH wasn't bothered in the slightest and bonded with both beautifully.

If it wasn't feeding OP, it'd be something else. Well done on feeding your daughter.

QuertyGirl · 30/01/2023 11:41

Your ex genuine sounds mentally ill

Workawayxx · 30/01/2023 11:44

No, it's never wrong and always has to be your choice. I bf and I know it was hard at times for DP but he did all the nappy changes when he was around which actually I think helps bonding more than feeding does (as it forces the parent to engage in a way that distracts/entertains baby and trust develops through that). I'd hazard a guess that even if you'd given in and said you'd formula feed that he'd have a different excuse for not doing anything to parent.

freezingpompoms · 30/01/2023 11:46

Jees he's a bastard. My child's dad didn't want me to breastfeed.

He was jealous he wouldn't let me breastfeed in front of anyone either out and about or at home. He was a fucking pig.

Thank goodness we've escaped these bastards.

I bet your pig did other controlling things too did he?

CandlelightGlow · 30/01/2023 11:49

These are just the words and actions of, as other pps have said, a narcissistic abuser. I promise you that if you had formula fed instead, he would also be using that as a stick to beat you with now.