Feeling overwhelmed by 3 year old

[Whathefisgoingon]

My son turns 3 next month and we have just in the last week moved house.

His behaviour has changed. Obviously he is very excited as we are still amongst boxes and all his toys are everywhere, plus no stair gates yet, so he is up and down like a yo-yo with me trailing after him to make sure he’s safe.

If I ask him to do ANYTHING he says no. It takes about 10 minutes to talk him in to getting dressed before I have to just do it anyway and he fights it. He doesn’t listen to me when I tell him not to do something, like go up the stairs. He says “don’t worry mummy” and then gets angry with me when I approach.

This afternoon I was sat on the stairs trying to order us all pizza and as I wasn’t giving him my undivided attention, he whacked me in the face with both hands. I didn’t see it coming and it hurt, a lot!

I felt the tears coming so I took myself away and his dad took him off and spoke to him about it, asking him if he hit me and explaining that’s not kind etc

It doesn’t help it’s that time of the month and the move has been stressful, but my little boy has always been so sweet, these changes are hard. We never went through the “terrible two’s” as such but I’m guessing this is it!

Anyone else going through similar?

To top it off, I just walked in to find him on the sofa. Felt overwhelmed with guilt and knelt in front of him to say I love you, he launched his legs out and unintentionally kicked me in the chin, going “no! Stop! I’m watching paw patrol!” 😪

I’m going through this and actually cried about it to my husband the other night. It’s horrible . No advice sorry just didn’t want to read and run x

When he kicked you in the chin did you make him say sorry? I've always made dc apologise for hurting someone whether it was an accident or not.
He's old enough to realise he's hurt you and there should be consequences, especially for smacking you in the face.
He might be unsettled and excited about moving but that's probably all the more reasonable to make your rules clear so he knows you are in control of the situation.

*reason

I have a similar age DS and we have some challenging days. He is ill at the minute so is crying a lot. I think it helps to realise they can't regulate their emotions the way we adults can. My FIL was a very patient man and taught me to do the opposite of what you felt like doing, so being ultra calm (forcing back those tears), down to their eye level and explaining about what happens when we hurt someone when we are angry, exploring feelings and being sad and I even have to give toys voices to reiterate and support my argument. I feel like a complete tit but it helps.
I make sure I'm lavishing praise when he's calm, I might say, this morning you have been such a good boy. We will talk about all the good things he's done. On a bad day he can have such bad melt downs but it soon passes (if he's near corners or edges I will move him away), ignoring the screaming etc.
This too shall pass.

@Ifulikepinacoladas oh yes and importantly consequences. I will ask him to get his favourite toy and the toy will say goodbye I will be going because you hurt mummy but will come back when you are good again. All toys are given back the next day as a fresh start, with a conversation about how we will behave to avoid toy going away again etc. Everyone has different ways of doing it but that helped me.

@Ifulikepinacoladas Not when he kicked me as that was unintentional, but when he hit me we did and he refused. He said “no!”

We have found if he then asks for something like an ice cream etc and we say no because of x, he will repeatedly say “sorry, sorry, sorry” to get what he wants.

I have no advice but just solidarity because we are going through the same thing - same age child, plus house move, and very similar-sounding behaviour! DS is defiant, negative, whiny and rude much of the time at the moment and it's really hard!

I think people should say sorry if they hurt someone whether they are 3 or 30, it's what you should do, whether it intentional or not.

And then when he refused to say sorry for slapping you, then what?

It's unfair to punish him later by saying no because you did x y z, it needs to be dealt with entirely at the time, and then you move on. Especially if you give in later when he does say sorry. He's not saying it for what he did, just to get what you're withholding from him.

It's a really hard age and hard to deal with because they are mostly super cute so you feel mean when you have to be a bit tougher but being consistent is the key, which might sound easier to say than do, but it does work.

Firstly, my DS was similar at this age, he'll grow out of it, but you do need to be firm.

Secondly, yep, when the consequences arrive, they apologise. Make sure that they know how long the toy is going to be gone for (I.e. 1 day or 2) same woth an ice cream ban, they need to know how long and get one chance to change their minds and appologise before enforcement. Calmly tell them that it is too late and that they toy/ice cream are not coming for X length of time. Remind them that they were warned and that it it happens again, it will be longer without next time.

You can empathise with their feelings of loss but remind them that they made you sad too. This part is hell, but my DS caught on pretty quick it took 1 day without TV and then a weekend for massive behaviour change. Just be careful to only use this option as a last resort.

Also, make sure that you resume him about all the changes and try to get the house set up ASAP

I agree with pp that there should have been more serious consequences when he deliberately hit you. He's old enough to understand that he shouldn't do that.

I think this sort of punishment is too sophisticated for a 2, nearly 3 yo. DS is a similar age and would not get the logic of this at all. Consequences at this age need to be immediate. So for example, mummy gets hit, so mummy walks away and doesn’t interact until both parties have calmed down. Rude during TV time - TV gets turned off. Not being allowed an ice cream at some future point because of x behaviour in the past doesn’t make sense to them and as you have found, provokes false apologies they don’t really understand.

I feel like I run from thread to thread saying this but How to Talk to Little Kids so They Will Listen is a game changer.

Also, I would consider myself a “gentle parent” but if my 3 year old (and my little one is 3) deliberately hit me in the face, she would absolutely be getting a telling off. All feelings are acceptable but all behaviours are not and there needs to be a clear distinction between the two.

Solidarity, it is a very tough age!

It doesn't make it any easier day to day but I promise this is normal.
The only way I coped was making sure I got enough sleep to be as patient as possible and also getting a decent amount of alone time away from it all

@Ifulikepinacoladas fair points. In truth, if he refuses to say sorry we don’t do much. We again tell him it’s not kind and we don’t hit and should say sorry, then move on. It’s so new to me as he was never like this before. I know he has been hit by other kids at nursery and he has picked this up along with telling us he wants to “punch, punch, punch!”

@VivaVivaa I feel like the consequences (turning tv off, for example) lead to further anger and distress, which makes him lash out even more. He does eventually get over it as we have done it before, but I must admit we soon turn it back on and I never feel like he truly understands why it happened.

This is such a difficult time. I found it all started to get easier the further into the 3’s we got. Mine is nearly 4 now and still much better.

I have never been able to make direct demands of my 3 year old. I would offer choices, not instructions, so for getting dressed “can you pick a top” “blue top or green top” etc rather than a “time to get dressed” its all a mind game. I still do it now although he’s much easier to direct. Allow yourself plenty of time and pick your battles. Mine turned up at nursery with odd socks etc because he had chosen them… fine!

For me I know my DS is MUCH better when I stay calm and maintain a calm demeanour- I’m not saying I’m always successful but it does work much better.

if it helps my second is a breeze by comparison. When I tell him “no” he actually stops.

I’m sure others will disagree, but I’m not sure about the merit of enforced ‘sorries’ in ones so little. It kinda feels pretty pointless - to regret a past action is a pretty complex thing. I don’t think many 2 or 3 yo are sophisticated enough for that. If saying sorry didn’t matter then I’d say crack on, but I do think it risks a child thinking they can just say ‘sorry’ and get away with anything. And as you’ve found - what do you do when they refuse? I think firmly explaining why the action was wrong and what the consequence will be is better, personally. Consequences don’t have to be big at this age. If DS gets over excited and I’m on the receiving end often ‘I’m waking away from you for 2 minutes until we’ve both calmed down’ is enough.

@LyingDogsLie1 thanks! Yep, so the choices thing worked until this recent change. We have had to do the whole “would you like the orange or red tshirt?” thing for ages, but now he either just says “no” and runs to hide, or picks a colour and then refuses to get dressed anyway. 😕😅

I too am going through this. No house move but my recently turned 3yo DS is just impossible right now.
I am desperate for things to improve but not sure how so watching this thread with interest! Sending you all solidarity x

It tends to work for me if I withdraw. “Pick a top or shall I come back in ten minutes when you’re ready to get dressed” normally the threat of me leaving is enough.

I heard the expression "threenager" recently and it sums up my 3yo to a tee

I'm fascinated by this - doesn't he just, well, follow you? I feel like if I did that mine would a) just follow me to wherever I went and then b) we'd be having the same argument over again once the 10 minutes was up. And then we'd be incredibly late for nursery

No, not when he’s being avoidant.

if it was making me late for nursery I’d be putting them to bed in tomorrows clothes.

Ps don’t attest to being a parenting guru - just have an incredibly challenging first born!