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Parenting

Division of drop off/ pick ups from childcare

40 replies

Sarah0202 · 27/01/2023 23:08

My husband works full time and I work part time. We both have demanding busy jobs and lots of extra work that needs to be done in our own time if not completed at work.

I work 2 days and both days I am the one who has to drop off and collect all 3 of our children at nursery/ school at the start and end of the day. This means I don’t have enough time to even vaguely get all my work completed. My husband works long hours and has taken a job 1.5 hours drive from our house (his career choice) which means he now has such long days he can never commit to dropping off or collecting our kids.

I feel I have compromised so much over the last 10 years for his career since we became parents. We’ve been together nearly 20 years and I supported him financially for 5 years whilst he was at uni. . I thinks it’s unfair he never has to adapt his working week to ‘help’ with his own children at all. It means I cannot do my job properly and is making life stressful. We’re going round in circles.. he just says his shifts are that long so he can’t.

How is this ok?? What if I said the same?! I’m a teacher and my husband is a surgeon. He chose this role. There are medical and gp routes he could have/ can go down where there is not an additional decade of rotating jobs far from home. The accommodation and travel costs, exams, subscriptions etc related to his role are so high monthly he actually in real terms brings home similar to what I would as a full time teacher. So we’re not rolling in it and we cannot afford for me to not work.

Where do we go from here? I don’t want to live this stressful life for the next 4/5 years it will be before he has a job in one location near home. I cannot get my work done in the time I am left with after drop offs and pick ups.

Am I unreasonable thinking he should at least commit to one drop off or pick up a week so I can do some of my work. Regardless of if this is the done thing or will be received well by his work?!! Why do I shoulder it all and live with this stress of feeling I’m failing every week due to lack of time. We used to be very equal pre kids.. 🤣

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Pootleplum · 27/01/2023 23:10

No, totally unfair and wrong. But, he should also want to be part of his dc lives. He should want to know their nursery teachers, routines etc. I'm sorry you're married to such a bad father to your kids.

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NuffSaidSam · 28/01/2023 00:51

You need to find alternative childcare. If he can't do it, he can't do it. But, you can't do it either, so between you find an alternative childcare solution.

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Sarah0202 · 28/01/2023 03:15

We have the best available in our area timespan wise. Live in help not a financial option and neither is not working so a bit stuck between rock and hard place.

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SD1978 · 28/01/2023 03:35

Childminder for wrap around care?

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Daydre4mer · 28/01/2023 03:42

You haven’t really written what he says to you about the situation? How often do you approach him about it?

Its not sustainable, it’s not fair on you to suffer with your job.

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whizzpopping · 28/01/2023 04:57

I'd also suggest you look at local childminders who could look after your nursery aged child and handle the school runs/after school care for your older ones. That's what childminders do around where I live.

Or can you rearrange your work hours to allow you you do the school runs and then make up the hours in the evenings/on other days?

Not easy but there are ways to do it. Most full time working households have the same challenge

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musingsinmidlife · 28/01/2023 05:19

He should soon start to bring in more money. You will in the end get a high return in your investment.

What made him choose the job far away? Was it a specialty or do you live far from a academic center or what was the draw of that job over a local one?

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Curiousforever · 28/01/2023 06:34

Oh dear. Wrap around childcare sounds the most feasible option for the days you are working. Being married to a surgeon is tough doctors don’t make as much money as people imagine, especially as we “train” well into our late 30s and sometimes 40s.

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Bex000 · 28/01/2023 06:35

Sorry the joys of being married to a surgeon or indeed any high demand career role. I presume he is still in training and not yet a consultant in which case he will have little or no input into where the training scheme places him. He has spent a lot of time in training to become a surgeon and should hopefully once he becomes consultant get more independence. Just think if he went now for another specialty he would have to retrain.
Unfortunately you as a teacher have shorter hours and you married and had children with him knowing his career path. Can he take some pressure off you by taking kids at weekend to allow you to do teaching plans, catch up etc.

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Ellie1015 · 28/01/2023 06:38

Would an extra day/morning at nursery help? You could get marking/planning done then instead of on your days in class?

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Nimbostratus100 · 28/01/2023 06:46

I dont understand why picking up children prevents you doing your work - the whole advantage of teaching is most of the work can be done after children are asleep. Thats what other teacher parents do. And you are only working part time, so surely loads of time to do the work?

No, surgeon hours are not compatible with childcare in a different location. If you were not available, it would need to be a nanny. But you are, so what is the issue?

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Boneweary · 28/01/2023 06:48

I can understand this OP as I am in a not-dissimilar situation. The difference is that DH didn’t move: however, he was WFH during the pandemic and was supposed to keep this with one day a week in the office. Due to (to be blunt) piss taking - not him personally - everyone is back in the office or travelling.

I have the same problem(s) as you: all the nursery runs are on me, I can’t stay late at work or get in early. I have to get DS ready every single morning and since DS often is awake by half five that falls to me, I have to do every single bath time because DH doesn’t get back until after bedtime.

It isn’t exactly anyone’s fault but it can be frustrating. We have just got a cleaner as I work three days a week but I feel I’ve got enough on to be honest.

I do think we are going to have to opt for private school when the time comes just to ensure we have watertight and quality wraparound care.

So I don’t have any solutions for you but I do sympathise. It is unfair - DH will ring and say he’s just left the office and it’s 630 so won’t be home until 8. That’s fine, but when I do get to stay at work late? I don’t!

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tirednewmumm · 28/01/2023 06:50

I do sort of think that the person working two days should pick up more of the home slack than the person working 5!

I can see your problem though. Would you be better off working full time and having a childminder for afternoons you both pay for?

What happens on the three days you're not working during the week

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crimbocountdown · 28/01/2023 06:52

Use before/after school childminders?

Bit surprised by the "demanding busy jobs requiring lots extra work in our own time" but you only work 2 days per week.....

Up your days and use childcare

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MinnieMerlot · 28/01/2023 07:10

It doesn’t sound like he can take on drop offs/pick ups - to be fair his schedule sounds demanding.

However, as you are struggling you should pay for wraparound care from a local childminder.

From your post it does sound like a you are resentful about your career taking a backseat - presumably if you go back full time you could easily afford a childminder to do the drop offs and pickups?

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BendingSpoons · 28/01/2023 07:14

I assume you have 1 in nursery for only 2 days. Would an extra morning a week be affordable? If not, I think your DH needs to step up at the weekends and take all the kids for a chunk of time so you can catch up.

I disagree with PPs saying as a part time worker you should do more. I would definitely expect you to do the 3 days you don't work, but ideally your work days should be split. However getting your husband to change career is a pretty big deal!

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BendingSpoons · 28/01/2023 07:16

Also how old is your youngest? Will things be a bit simpler when they start school, so 1 drop off/pick up and some time to yourself on days you don't work?

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StarsSand · 28/01/2023 07:16

You're married to a surgeon, can't you afford a nanny for a few hours a week to help with getting ready and drop offs?

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DrMarciaFieldstone · 28/01/2023 07:18

It shouldn’t all fall to one person, but I don’t see how a surgeon could leave work early either. There are lots of families in this position, that’s what wraparound care is for.

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EthicalNonMahogany · 28/01/2023 07:21

Don't assume private school means watertight wraparound care!! They are often less bothered than state schools about it and provide none.

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Boneweary · 28/01/2023 07:22

Well, I’m sure not all do, the two local to us do, though.

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Boneweary · 28/01/2023 07:22

And I think posters are underestimating how difficult planning, resourcing and marking for five days a week on top of caring for a two year old and two older children would be.

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TrianglePlayer · 28/01/2023 07:24

I also need to ask, I know it’s not always easy to work when you have children around but on the three week days you’re not at work doesn’t that give you ANY time to get work done? I assume as you’ve mentioned school and nursery that at least one child is at school, but possibly two?

trust me I know full well how hard it is being at home with pre schoolers and also how hard it is to be a teacher. But it genuinely doesn’t sound like your DH has a huge amount of choice unless he changes career. But I suppose the problem is that it’s you who has had to compromise on your career and not him and that’s the main issue.

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DrMarciaFieldstone · 28/01/2023 07:24

Boneweary · 28/01/2023 07:22

Well, I’m sure not all do, the two local to us do, though.

Both here provide tight wraparound care too - it’s one of their selling points.

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CaramelMach · 28/01/2023 07:31

Op if you are a teacher, and assuming not in your childrens school/s you must use some wrap around care on those 2days or you'd not be there in time ?
How does it work ?
Your post suggests your discussed this very little with your husband probably because you know he can't change it by requesting flexible hours due to his job type.

Is this not about drop off and pick ups but about you doing all the home stuff ( tea/hW/lunches) ? So you are too knackered to do your work?

What do you do on the other three days a week when kids are are school /nursery? 3 days is a lot of time !

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