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Division of drop off/ pick ups from childcare
Sarah0202 · 27/01/2023 23:08
My husband works full time and I work part time. We both have demanding busy jobs and lots of extra work that needs to be done in our own time if not completed at work.
I work 2 days and both days I am the one who has to drop off and collect all 3 of our children at nursery/ school at the start and end of the day. This means I don’t have enough time to even vaguely get all my work completed. My husband works long hours and has taken a job 1.5 hours drive from our house (his career choice) which means he now has such long days he can never commit to dropping off or collecting our kids.
I feel I have compromised so much over the last 10 years for his career since we became parents. We’ve been together nearly 20 years and I supported him financially for 5 years whilst he was at uni. . I thinks it’s unfair he never has to adapt his working week to ‘help’ with his own children at all. It means I cannot do my job properly and is making life stressful. We’re going round in circles.. he just says his shifts are that long so he can’t.
How is this ok?? What if I said the same?! I’m a teacher and my husband is a surgeon. He chose this role. There are medical and gp routes he could have/ can go down where there is not an additional decade of rotating jobs far from home. The accommodation and travel costs, exams, subscriptions etc related to his role are so high monthly he actually in real terms brings home similar to what I would as a full time teacher. So we’re not rolling in it and we cannot afford for me to not work.
Where do we go from here? I don’t want to live this stressful life for the next 4/5 years it will be before he has a job in one location near home. I cannot get my work done in the time I am left with after drop offs and pick ups.
Am I unreasonable thinking he should at least commit to one drop off or pick up a week so I can do some of my work. Regardless of if this is the done thing or will be received well by his work?!! Why do I shoulder it all and live with this stress of feeling I’m failing every week due to lack of time. We used to be very equal pre kids.. 🤣
DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 28/01/2023 07:47
You have three children, so no matter what you choose, your time is going to be limited and options are going to be expensive.
My medical and surgical colleagues with children can only make it work because they live 15 mins or less from the hospital and school. Those with two career families generally have a nanny when the children are young. That said, we generally get a day or two a week at home and MDTs are still online, which cuts down travelling time.
I think it’s a bit unfair to say that he could have chosen a more “family friendly” specialty, not least because there are few family friendly areas and secondly because the sheer amount of time it takes to qualify means I wouldn’t do it for something I don’t 100% love. Would your DH go LTFT? If not, your options are to move closer to his work (tricky if he’s still training as workplace will change), pay more, or decide how much of a deal breaker this is for you.
Ragwort · 28/01/2023 07:56
Of course it's tough but you (& your DH) have made choices ... presumably you are both intelligent and educated. You made the choice to have three DC, to marry a medic who wanted to become a surgeon, you made the choice to have a career as a teacher.
I made a choice to have one DC and to work part time in a (low paid) flexible job. 
.
user8545 · 28/01/2023 08:03
Somewhat similar situation in that DH has a career that is simply not flexible, he can do adhoc things, but drop offs on the whole are on me. It's one of the many reasons we stopped at 2 kids. You need to pay for more childcare to give you the time to do your job.
One thing DH has done though is opt to live close to home, he has a few options but has put his foot down so he is 30 mins away, I don't know how flexible medical careers are but one thing your DH could do is not be 1.5 hours away, whether that's move or transferring.
Boneweary · 28/01/2023 08:41
I can’t see a three year old mentioned. I think this posters youngest is two or younger. Apologies if I am wrong. But I am fairly sure the nursery days are the two days she works - I work 2 days and both days I am the one who has to drop off and collect all 3 of our children at nursery/ school at the start and end of the day
CaramelMach · 28/01/2023 08:52
Boneweary · 28/01/2023 08:41
I can’t see a three year old mentioned. I think this posters youngest is two or younger. Apologies if I am wrong. But I am fairly sure the nursery days are the two days she works - I work 2 days and both days I am the one who has to drop off and collect all 3 of our children at nursery/ school at the start and end of the day
Ah right - not seen an age other than a reference to a 3yo from another poster.
If child is younger assume nursery attendance will increase in near future anyway which may help
DelphiniumBlue · 28/01/2023 08:59
It is not fair the the whole dropping off burden is on you, and I think DH is fairly typical of most men just expecting you to pick up their slack. He does need to raise this at work so that he can at do the drop even just one day a week, rather than pretending his children are not his problem. I bet he hasn't even mentioned it at work. If you were not around he'd have to come up with a solution.
Meanwhile, can you find someone to help with mornings/ evenings? It doesn't have to be registered childminder, could be a neighbour/ local student coming to your house for an hour or so in the morning.
If this is not possible, ask DH to come up with a solution- maybe he looks after the DC for a regular chunk of the weekend when he's not working so that you can work then? Maybe he pays for childcare for a 3rd day so that you can work then- although paying for childcare so that you can work for free would be galling.
But presumably you can have DC in childcare till 6pm, that should be long enough for you to complete what you need to do. It is always a struggle to get everything done when you are a teacher with children, but maybe you can push back to your own SLT, you shouldn't have to pay for childcare in order to get work done outside your normal hours.
I'm guessing the problem is mornings particularly, if you rock up at 830 it's just not enough time to do everything you need to., and getting childcare that starts earlier than 730-8 am is very difficult and not even always possible.
Sorry, I know there's no ideal solution.
gogohmm · 28/01/2023 09:04
He's a surgeon, of course he can't just finish early and has to rotate. He doesn't get choice usually easily. Once he is fully trained (I'm guessing he's a registrar currently) he can apply for permanent consultant positions which are well paid and likely to allow private work on top. Medicine will s a long haul training wise, with surgery the longest training of all specialisms but he is saving lives, literally, it's takes time to train!!
Catsonskis · 28/01/2023 09:21
so I manage doctors and surgeons in the hospital, both in training and consultants.
if DH is still in training he’ll have to apply to lead employer for flexible working to facilitate a late start or early finish, he can request and will be approved to reduce to 0.8 no questions asked but obviously that has an impact on pay and training.
if he’s a consultant he needs to redo job plan to facilitate his SPA or Admin session one more/afternoon to help. typically doctors have 1.5 sessions of SPA at least where they don’t have to be onsite for 8:30/until 5 etc. he should have some flex there. Or of course reduce his PAs in total to facilitate supporting you and the childcare.
but ultimately you need to have a discussion as you’re a team.
Runnerduck34 · 28/01/2023 09:21
It is unfair he hasn't compromised his career at all by having DC whilst you have.
Longer term once, he is fully qualified his hardwork will pay off financially. However frequent posts on here where women's careers have taken a hit when DC are born, husband career is unaffected, they divorce, she ends up in a vulnerable situation because she has made all of the career sacrifices. Hopefully as a teacher you should have some protection from this.
It doesn't sound like he can do pick ups with his current role and may be counterproductive to start to retrain. Your family needs longer hours of childcare and/or pay for childcare on a day you don't work so you can catch up on everything and also have a bit of time to yourself as I suspect it's not just the school runs you are picking up.
Can DH pick up things Iike housework, washing, childcare etc on his days off?
Having said that working 2 days a week is in many ways a luxury although I do appreciate it is hard work looking after 3 DC and unless they are in nursery on your " day off" isnt really a day off at all.
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