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Parenting

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Original poster

12 week old son hates me

37 replies

bexyo · 26/01/2023 21:00

My 12 week old DS seems to really dislike me. I look after him 24/7, play with him, tummy time, exclusively breast feed and do the night feeds and he still much prefers my husband.

He will barely make eye contact and smile with me but instantly smiles and coos when my husband comes over.

It's starting to take its toll on me emotionally as pathetic as that sounds and makes me want to give up putting the effort in as he seems to genuinely dislike the time we spend together. I'd rather be working some days as it hurts me to see him so different with my husband to how he is with me.

What can I do to get over this? Is it normal?

OP posts:

tobeornottobe1 · 26/01/2023 21:02

Hey OP sorry to read you feel like this.
It sounds like perhaps you need to speak to your health visitor or GP about your emotions/mood? Could you possible have post natal depression?

ChristmasAtHogwarts · 26/01/2023 21:03

This is normal you are his constant he doesn’t even realise you are a different person to him he just thinks you are part of him!
he smiles at your husband because it’s a novelty. I do worry you may be suffering a little postpartum depression.. how do you feel?

JaninaDuszejko · 26/01/2023 21:04

Your tiny baby absolutely relies on you and does not yet know that you are a separate being from him. He isn't capable of hating you. Speak to your health visitor, you probably have PND. It'll be better for you and your son if you get help with it sooner rather than later.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 3-6 months old Babies & sleep Families

MuddledUpAgain · 26/01/2023 21:05

Mine did the same at that age. I hadn't had a smile yet and he smiled at one of my friends and I just stood and cried in her kitchen.

I was told it was because I was his constant so always there. Whereas daddy/my friend were less commonly seen so more interesting and therefore worthy of smiles.

We're a few months on now and he's still selective about who he gives a cheesy grin to

DottyLittleRainbow · 26/01/2023 21:06

It sounds like you may have PND, OP. Can you reach out to your GP and health visitor for a mental health review and some support?

Torturedsoul · 26/01/2023 21:06

Oh I remember this so well. I could have written your post word for word. You are literally their everything. This article will articulate it much better than me.

themummybubble.co.uk/babies-cry-mum/

AnnaTortoiseshell · 26/01/2023 21:08

You sound like a wonderful mum. Having a new baby can be so tough. I promise you, it will get better. You are doing so much better than you realise. Your baby is very lucky to have you.

Your baby is so tiny he doesn’t know he’s even a different person from you yet. You’re like oxygen - he doesn’t notice you because you’re a given. What an amazing level of security you are providing for him! He smiles at your DH because he recognises that this is a new exciting person who comes and goes.

ImmigrantAlice · 26/01/2023 21:09

He doesn’t hate you, you are his world, and he needs you more than he needs anyone else.

But yes, chikdren’s attention can wander, and in the moment the “novel” adult can pull attention away from the one constant on their life. Why wouldn’t it, they know that whatever happens, when they turn back to you, you will still be there.

If the negative feelings are really affecting you, as it sounds like they are, then reach out for some help, from your partner, your family, but also from your health professionals. As you know, post-partie depression is a genuine, and sometimes serious condition, and there is nothing at all wrong in having people help you through it.

BubziOwl · 26/01/2023 21:12

Oh OP you're breaking my heart as I remember these days well. Yes, it's totally normal. As PPs have said, your baby doesn't even quite realise that you're a separate entity right now! You're his default, his constant, his stability. He doesn't think to smile at you because all he knows is that you're always there no matter what he does (and that's a testament to the fact that you're doing a great job!). He smiles at your husband because he doesn't see him all the time and it's a bit of excitement.

You're doing great ❤️

BubziOwl · 26/01/2023 21:14

Sorry, when I say it's normal I mean it's normal that your baby acts like this. Feeling the way you do isn't exactly normal, it is very common though - maybe that means it is normal? I'm not sure.

What I'm clumsily trying to say is that the way you feel is very common, but don't just accept that you have to feel this way and ignore signs of PPD or PPA. Could you see what your HV might be able to help you with in terms of support for PPD?

Yeahrightthen · 26/01/2023 21:14

Oh sweetheart, of course your baby doesn’t hate you - or even slightly dislike you!

My dd was like this - grizzly and discontented during the day and then - hey presto, as soon as dad came home she’d be gurgling and smiling! I always put it down to the fact she spent most of her time with me and dh made an interesting change.

Silly question, but does your dh wear glasses? Mine does and babies always smile at him and look really intensely at him - I honestly think it’s the dark-framed glasses he wears that stand out and provide interest to a baby.

Speak to your gp/hv if you’re feeling generally down though 💐

gamerchick · 26/01/2023 21:20

He thinks you're an extension of him OP. You're mum, stop taking this personally. If these feelings persist,it might be handy to see your gp in case PND is setting in

LightDrizzle · 26/01/2023 21:22

My DD1 was like this ☹️

She’s now 30 and we have the best relationship. I didn’t have to wait that long though, I can’t remember when it changed but before 6 months.

Prior to that however I remember mournfully recalling Penelope Leach opining in her baby book about a newborn gazing into their mother’s eyes while mine seemed to positively evade mine, actively shifting her gaze as I positioned myself to where she had been looking. Even the bed head was more interesting. My mum was the most fascinating thing in the world from about 10 days old.

RedHelenB · 26/01/2023 21:39

Your baby might be picking up on your tension. At 3 months your baby should be smiling at you, I remember having my knees up on the sofa, baby against them and singing silly songs and mine smiling away. Try not to worry so much about bring the perfect mother, enjoy the cuteness of your lo, relax. I'm sure baby will smile at you too.

Original poster

bexyo · 26/01/2023 21:40

RedHelenB · 26/01/2023 21:39

He does smile at me but no where near as much as he does to DH. I "perform" to get a smile whereas my husband just needs to exist

OP posts:

ifellintoarabbithole · 26/01/2023 21:42

Oh OP I so feel for you - honestly this was me 8 months ago. I would echo what PP have said regarding you still being an extension of him; he doesn't have the capacity to hate, and he loves you so very much.

When I was concerned about my baby not making eye contact, I read that it's often to do with the focal distance. It said the ideal distance is when baby is on a changing table - I made sure to really interact with him on the table and I started getting more moments of eye contact and smiles.

I would also say these sort of thoughts, about baby not liking me, are how my PND first manifested. It shows strength to ask for help - please speak to your HV or GP if you need to.

YourWinter · 26/01/2023 21:43

Oh you sound so sad, and it’s horrible when other people are enjoying new babies and you’re not enjoying yours.

(((OP))) please, please tell your health visitor how you’re feeling. I’ve been in your position… honestly, they can help you.

Echobelly · 26/01/2023 21:44

OP, it's interesting that you have only replied to the pretty much only slightly negative reply and not to all the other ones explaining why he doesn't hate you and this is normal. Please read the other posts!

I very much doubt that a 3 month-old is going to pick up on 'tension'

ifellintoarabbithole · 26/01/2023 21:44

And to add and reassure, my boy is now nearly a year old, and nothing lights his face up more than when he sees me now! And no problems with eye contact at all.

LavenderLaughs · 26/01/2023 21:46

Don’t feel bad! Like others have said, he doesn’t yet realise that you and he are separate entities. You wouldn’t smile at yourself in the mirror to make your reflection happy, but you smile in response to other people. It’s the fourth trimester thing where it takes babies at least three months to understand that they and mummy are not one being

Nimbostratus100 · 26/01/2023 21:46

how often do you smile at the walls and ceiling OP? do you coo at the air? YOu are your babies entire world. He takes you totally for granted, because you are everything.

Original poster

bexyo · 26/01/2023 21:47

Echobelly · 26/01/2023 21:44

I very much doubt that a 3 month-old is going to pick up on 'tension'

Sorry I guess it struck a nerve as it felt like I was being told I wasn't doing it right which ironically how I feel....

I guess it's hard to believe he doesn't dislike me when he so openly does like his father which is so wonderful to see but I can't help but feel jealous of

I guess I need to just keep doing what I am and wait for his development a little more

Thanks all x

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 26/01/2023 21:54

He definitely doesn’t dislike you. As pp said, when your DH comes into view it’s a novelty, whereas you are there almost 24/7. He relies on you and needs you. His world is him and you. As he develops he will discover that his world is growing. You are doing a fantastic job as his mum, it just doesn’t feel that way when we, mums, are sleep deprived.

I agree you should talk to your health visitor about your feelings/emotions.

Echobelly · 26/01/2023 21:55

Remember, he is tiny, he doesn't like or dislike people for just existing. He may like or dislike a sensation (cold, hot, dirty nappy, hungry) but he has no framework for relationships. He knows what's always present and what's novel/less usual and babies do react to novelty/things that are different from usual, often through smiling. And maybe that makes you feel down because you feel you are just a thing to him, but again, don't take it personally, he's 12 weeks old, he doesn't understand taking things for granted! He will come to appreciate you more.

Echobelly · 26/01/2023 21:56

Or rather, he already appreciates and loves you, but he will demonstrate it more 😊

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