Feeling sad for my DD

[breathcalmly]

DD is going on a ski trip at half term and it's cost us quite a bit of money which we've had to save hard for. She has been really looking forward to it. She has quite a bit of anxiety during lock down and has done really well to get through it. She came back from school this week and said that none of her friends want to be with her in a room and doesn't want to go anymore. That I should cancel the trip (don't think I can). There was a meeting about rooms and her friends have already agreed to be in one room and don't want her with them. She was in tears. I think there is one girl who is the ringleader and has always tried to wind my DD up and the others have tagged along although they are nice girls. My DD doesn't want to go in a room with the other few girls who are going and is adamant about that. My heart breaks and not sure what to do. Any advice welcome

That’s really hard OP the other girls don’t really sound very nice if they’re allowing the ringleader to exclude your DD in this way. Is there anyone in the group she is particularly close to who she can talk to about how she is feeling and see if they’ll move to the other room with her? If not then these girls are not her friends. There may be an actual nice girl in the other room she can get to know through this trip. She can hold her head up high that she is a good person who doesn’t deserve to be treated like this and give someone else a chance. Explain that some girls just enjoy doing this to others and next month it’ll be someone else who is being excluded. I think that’s what I’d be telling my DD. But it’s horrible for her to be going though.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, was feeling very fed up and sad this pm and kind of you to share some thoughts, all of which I agree with. She has come home from school saying she definitely won’t go (she does have some autistic traits) so it’s going to be very challenging to convince her otherwise. She said the girls in the other room are weird 🙁 I really want her to go as she was so looking fwd to it until now, and don’t want to lose the money we paid as well as all the kit we have brought her as have really stretched to cover the cost.

The school should be dealing with this in a kinder manner. It’s not for the kids to decide who is sharing and leaving people out.

Oh this must be so hard. Does she definitely know everyone who is going? There might be someone there she barely knows.
how many girls are in the other room?

I think there’s a bit of cognitive dissonance going on to think this is a group of girls being mean when your daughter doesn’t want to share with the other girls because they’re ‘weird’. It sounds like the whole cohort need to start being kinder.

I will speak to the teacher leading the trip as he is really nice and kind. I

I was going to say definitely have a chat with the teachers involved. Your poor DD. Mine would react exactly the same way. It's totally understandable that she now doesn't want to go : ( But there is time for this to come good.

100% speak to the school. They need to intervene here and also offer assurances that she won't be bullied by this girl whilst they are away.

Thanks to all of you lovely people who have responded with sympathy and advice, I felt very sad early and had a little cry (hormones don’t help), beating myself up that I haven’t managed this better and could lose all this money but will do as you have advised and hope it works out. Thank you

Look at it from another point of view. How is it not OK for the girls to not want to share but OK dd called some girls weird?

I’m not going to rise to this, however it goes without saying that as a reasonable and responsible parent I do not condone anyone being called weird and spoke to my DD that this was inappropriate language.

Maybe encourage dd to 'try out' the weird ones. Invite them for tea. A pre trip get together.. Maybe dd will be pleasantly surprised.. P

Awww your poor DD.
If I were you I'd approach the teacher and see if it can be sorted out.
Otherwise I'd suck up the cost and not make dd go, it will be horrendous for her if she's away from home and feeling upset / excluded etc.
My dd went on a residential trip during primary school and hated it because her so called friends were horrible to her, she spent most of the week crying.
I didn't find out until she came home or I would have gone and got her.
I wouldn't make your dd go

You could go to the teachers, ask them to intervene but really your daughter needs to ask herself whether these are really her friends if they treat her like this? Going to the teachers will either result in nothing or the teacher allocating people to rooms and splitting these friends up which they’ll be annoyed about or they’ll force the girls to let your daughter sleep in their room, which they’ve decided they don’t want so that’ll be very awkward for your daughter. I really think the best case scenario is that your daughter holds her head high, pretends it doesn’t bother her and tries to make a new friend or friends in the other room and enjoys the trip as best she can. This is life unfortunately, some girls are horrible like this and the sooner your daughter learns not to rise to it and to surround herself with nice genuine friends, the better.

And also, I mean this kindly, but your daughter thinking the other girls are weird, I expect this is something she’s heard her so called “friends” saying. They sound awful and chances are they’re saying it about your daughter. She needs to get away from these toxic people. Weird usually translates as original, different, not following the crowd and being nasty and if that’s the case then I say your daughter needs to start embracing her “weirdness” and be thankful she doesn’t fit in with this group of nasty girls.

An update. Spoke to school today and fortunately they need to move the rooms around for other reasons so have split the aforementioned group up (along with other changes in the mix) with my DD being a room with a few of the nicer girls in that group. Teacher, who is lovely, has promised to keep an eye on the main protagonist during the trip to ensure my DD isn’t bullied. They will be out most of the day so hopefully the room issue is less of an issue. God, it’s flipping hard being a parent sometimes isn’t it.

That's great news they're intervening. Hearing your DDs story hit home with me as I was always being pushed out of all girl groups, they can be so mean. My only advice is to remind your daughter how excited she was about the whole trip and what an amazing experience she will have regardless of who she shares a room with. Encourage her to develop her confidence and independent spirit. My sister managed to rise above the mean girls, I let to bug me and drag me down my entire teen years well into young adulthood before I realised to 'not care' about this sort of nasty behaviour.

So sorry to hear that Inthesky, now being a parent makes me realise how hard it is being a teenager. She was really looking forward to it for ages so I will need to build up her self esteem (which is low) and confidence and hope she has a fabulous time.

That’s great news OP I’m so glad it’s all worked out. On the plus side it’s been a good opportunity for your DD to see the true colours of these friends and a learning experience not to ever make others feel the way she did.

So glad it’s sorted out ok. Hope she has an amazing time.

So happy for you that the teacher has managed this well. My DD suffered the same and was anxious about the whole room sharing problem related to a history trip abroad a few years ago. Sadly she didn’t go as we anticipated the problem so we didn’t lose any money. She has missed out on loads of experiences by being bullied by exclusion. Your heart aches for them doesn’t it. Hope she has a great trip.

I had this a lot all through secondary school. All I can say is I did often end up building nice bonds with the random other girls I ended up with - I might not have seen it at the time but they were mostly nicer people than my friends. But yes, my self esteem was greatly affected by this sort of thing and it was hard to deal with. My heart goes out to your daughter and to you, I'm going to be so sad if this ends up happening to my DDs.

I really don't think schools should let kids pick themselves and I don't understand why they do. I'm glad yours ended up splitting this group!

Thank you all, you’re a lovely bunch and feeling less sad now

I remember being a teenager and how this was the most important part of a residential trip - I really feel for your daughter.
I’m now in my 30s and travel several times a year to compete as a swimmer and I have the opposite problem! Loads of the women in my team ask me to share but I now prefer to have my own room (I need sleep and sadly we still behave like teenagers, laughing and staying up late if we share despite all being grown up women with jobs, mortgages and the like 🤣🤣🤣)

As a teacher, I used to organise a trip to Paris every year. To avoid such issues with friendship groups, the children were allowed to choose just one person they wanted to share with and I then allocated the rooms based on this choice. It meant I could split up groups who might be giddy and mix in those who were less popular.

I know that info isn’t helpful to the OP now but it’s something other teachers or group leaders here might consider.