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Parenting

Putting child in room for an hour.. AIBU?

36 replies

LittlemissMama67 · 25/01/2023 19:31

My son is 8 next week and generally speaking he's a good kid, perfectly behaved at school, but he seems to have an issue with accountability he will swear up and down that he didn't do something I have watched him do. If he leaves his coat on the floor rather than hanging it up it's my fault because I bought the coat in the first place. I very rarely raise my voice I'd never raise my hands to my children ever and I do my very best to respect his feelings and his space. Always knock before entering his room. Etc I have a lot of patience and it does take a lot to push me over the edge but he's started saying we don't care about him if we try to discipline him in any way. It's got to the point where I am pussy footing around him because I don't want to upset him, but he will wake his 4 month old sister I've just battled to sleep because he thinks it's funny and I get so frustrated because if I say can you not do that please he will cry and say I don't care about him

tonight I snapped, my grandad is in a wheelchair and we went to see him after school. He was watching tv while I was chatting to my grandad untill his carers came in. As soon as they came in it's like a switch flipped and he started showing off rolling around on the floor and almost tripped one of the carers up getting under her feet, I asked him nicely more than 15 times to sit on the sofa and behave while the carers were dealing with grandad. In one ear and out the other. Eventually when they left my grandad told him to have some respect and to listen to me. Again didn't care. I then took him by the hands and said right listen you've been asked more than enough times to sit on the sofa and to stop rolling around on the floor, you're choosing to deliberately defy me now if I have to ask again you'll be going home to your room. Not even 5 seconds later he was back on the floor. I took him home and put him in his room, I said if he opened his door the timer would start again and he ended up in there for an hour and 20 minutes. He ate his dinner at his desk too. He was shouting at me through the door saying I hated him and I am the worst mum in the world. Am I being to harsh? This isn't the first instance of blatant disrespect it happens all the time. A few weeks ago I raised my voice after asking him to brush his teeth 10+ times. I said we would both apologise to each other and I went first, I apologised for raising my voice and I asked him to apologise for not listening to me. Instead he threw a couch cushion at my face. I'm at a loss

sorry this is really long. My mum was a maniac, she'd throw stuff at us, smack the crap out of us we were terrified of us. And I feel as a result I've gone the opposite way and I'm a useless soft touch 😩

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MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 25/01/2023 19:34

Don't ask 15 times. Once should be enough, twice with a warning if it isn't. Third time, consequence. If you keep asking, he'll tune you out.

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Eyerollcentral · 25/01/2023 19:35

No you aren’t too harsh at all. You are not your mum. You were entirely calm and rational. He is old enough to know how to sit still for a short period of time. You were completely right. If you don’t make him understand you are the boss now what’s going to happen by the time he is 13? Don’t worry about this at all. You’ve done so well not to lose your temper, that carry on is so frustrating, especially with carers there and your grandad in a wheelchair, he could have easily caused an accident

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thepatronsaintofbubblewrap · 25/01/2023 19:36

My mum was a maniac, she'd throw stuff at us, smack the crap out of us we were terrified of us. And I feel as a result I've gone the opposite way and I'm a useless soft touch
No advice, but my mother was the same and did significant damage, just saying I can imagine it's very difficult and I'd probably do as you have done.

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Eyerollcentral · 25/01/2023 19:37

Also sounds like he is acting out because of the baby. Maybe have a chat to him about it. But the behaviour just has to stop, it’s not negotiable

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NuffSaidSam · 25/01/2023 19:38

I think you are being too soft, understandably, but it's time to get some clear boundaries in place.

Ask him to do something once, then a reminder and then there needs to be a consequence. He'll soon catch on.

The consequence should be something small, but that he will feel, loss of screen time is often effective, but anything along those lines.

Also, as much as possible let him feel the natural consequences of his actions.

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BCBird · 25/01/2023 19:40

No.you are not bring unreasonable or too harsh. I agree you should SK once warning then twice. Third time equals consequences. Foes he respond well to.praise? Has this behaviour started since the arrival.of his sibling? Hopefully things will improve

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Petronus · 25/01/2023 19:42

You are not your mother, not even close, so please don't worry about that. Don't be manipulated by him saying that you don't care because you have boundaries, having limits is actually a good thing for his sense of security and he needs to understand where the line is. I agree with the poster saying don't ask a million times, but I would also say a couple of other things - try not to fight him on everything, if it's minor and you can let it go, do. Praise him to the skies when he does anything good and lots of cuddles regardless. Try to work out if there are any triggers, i.e is he walking in hungry? he overtired? does he need a task when you are visiting grandad for example? Some of it you may be able to avoid if you can work out why he is reacting as he is.

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Shopper727 · 25/01/2023 19:43

Sounds tough. Sounds a lot like he’s pushing the boundaries to see how far he can push you. Do not tell him 13/15 or even 5 times. I I establish the behaviour I would like before we leave and what the consequences will be if my children defy me, they know the score. Ask him to stop nicely buT firmly once, if he continues repeat and remind him what will happen if he continues and say if he does what ever you’ve asked him not to one more time he will suffer whatever consequence you decided on.

Be firm, fair and consistent. It doesn’t require raising voices or being angry just instilling that you mean what you say, and will follow through. It’s hard going when they push it but letting them know that you are not going to tolerate bad/unruly behaviour is important. All repeating yourself 15 times does is let him know you can’t be bothered to follow through and he knows it. I have 4 boys so I’ve been there. Def setting your boundaries before any outing is helpful - mine know if they can ask for something or what is going to happen, my youngest is Asd/adhd so for him especially knowing what will happen and how things will work is important he does not respond to shouting/anger at all. Anyway enough waffle from me. Away to put youngest to bed & hopefully take my own advice 😂😂😂😂

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LittlemissMama67 · 25/01/2023 19:44

He has two little sisters one is almost 3 he is quite accustomed to being a big brother so I don't think that's it. Just when he said I was the worst mum in the world it hurt because I know what it's like to actually have a mum who dodnt care about you. And for him that really isn't true. We love him so much

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RoundUpRuby · 25/01/2023 19:45

The problem here is that he’s spent way too long being able to get away with things, so he knows when you ask him to do something it doesn’t mean anything because there are no consequences.

You need to set clear boundaries and have clear consequences. Time outs don’t work and they aren’t an appropriate or natural consequence. They don’t teach anything except that when you misbehave, mummy doesn’t want to deal with you.

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Shopper727 · 25/01/2023 19:46

And as pp says keep him occupied - maybe he was bored at grandads or hungry or
perhaps just naughty & praise the good and nice, sometimes you do need to pick your battles.

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Eyerollcentral · 25/01/2023 19:46

LittlemissMama67 · 25/01/2023 19:44

He has two little sisters one is almost 3 he is quite accustomed to being a big brother so I don't think that's it. Just when he said I was the worst mum in the world it hurt because I know what it's like to actually have a mum who dodnt care about you. And for him that really isn't true. We love him so much

He is just pushing your buttons. He knows you love him. Are you on your own op? Does he behave like this with anyone else?

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chezpopbang · 25/01/2023 19:46

He is testing his boundaries and you and showing him at every stage you have no follow through. The saying cruel to be kind is perfect for this situation. He will say you are cruel but you are really being kind by raising him the correct way so he doesn't turn in to a terrible selfish person. I would not be putting up with him being so rude to you. You are his parent not friend. You can be their friend when he is grown.

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Remona · 25/01/2023 19:49

You’re not being harsh with him. You’re not being harsh enough. You need to be firmer and there have to be consequences to his bad behaviour.

The baby no doubt has upset him and he’s jealous and acting up for attention. You’ve got to give him the attention he wants but only when he’s behaving.

Don’t worry about all the “you don’t care about me” stuff. I think that too is a reflection of him feeling jealous of the baby plus lots of kids say it. I remember I did 😂

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LittleOwl153 · 25/01/2023 19:51

I want to say its his age and hopefully he will grow out of it... why? Because I have a 9yr old who is trying the same game. And I don't ask him 15 times to do anything. He gets asked twice - then there is consequences. Loss of screen time works here but it depends on whether he is into screen usage.

You do need to nip it in the bud though as by 13 he'll likely be bigger than you and still refusing to do as he's told otherwise and that does get challenging... My 14yr olds favourite question at the moment is Why? Just like a toddler... but "because I said so" or "I don't want to" are met with "but that's not a proper reason you have to give me a proper reason..." No I don't young lady....

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OriginalUsername2 · 25/01/2023 19:52

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 25/01/2023 19:34

Don't ask 15 times. Once should be enough, twice with a warning if it isn't. Third time, consequence. If you keep asking, he'll tune you out.

This.

I see a lot of mums not react when their children ignore them, then feebly try again. Some end up giving up, some whinging at them and some pleading with them.

The MOMENT they don’t do as they’re told they should be pulled up on it, told it’s unacceptable and punished with consequences and the disappointment of their parents faces if they still don’t do it. That’s how they’re programmed to know to do as their parent says.

The former teaches the child to push and push their parents boundaries.

You can also keep reminding your child that parenting is your job and you take it seriously because you love them. That it’s your job to raise them into decent men and women so they can have good lives full of other decent people.

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LittlemissMama67 · 25/01/2023 19:52

Eyerollcentral · 25/01/2023 19:46

He is just pushing your buttons. He knows you love him. Are you on your own op? Does he behave like this with anyone else?

No I'm not, me and his dad ended when he was a baby and I've always felt some guilt that I couldn't give him a 2 parent home. But that relationship would have traumatised him if I'd stayed so I did do the right thing there. Im engaged to his step dad and they have a strong bond and his step dad is a good stable parent

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whatthebejesus · 25/01/2023 19:55

Well done on putting the boundary in place this time OP. No point in looking at the past, only to the future. Sounds like your son needs taking down a peg or two and understanding some respect. Don't ask 15 times. Twice or a max of three times is enough. He needs to understand that there are consequences if not.

Ignore the ranting. My 4 year old understands that when I ask then to do something that they do it. And when I say no I mean it. Your 8 year old is more than capable of understanding

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MummyJasmin · 25/01/2023 19:57

Your mum sounds like mine and so I understand what you mean when you say you are doing everything the total opposite. Being called a horrible mum must have felt awful 💐 You are nothing like your mother! You sounds like an amazing mum and well done for breaking the generational toxic cycle!

I think its development and at that age they try to play up. As others have mentioned draw boundaries, be firm and consistent. Try and nip it in the bud before he becomes a teen. All the best x

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Swimswam · 25/01/2023 19:57

Children feel secure when the have firm boundaries. But they also push them.
You are not your Mum. If you were you would not be worrying about it.
Every child has a different personality- some push boundaries more than others.
Look at your parenting as a whole - you can see it’s caring.
You could sit with him and explain some new family rules, and consequences. Write them out and stick them up. Then he knows what they are. You can do this! Have confidence in your natural authority as his Mum. Build it now. The teen years can be tricky. Most teenage boys go through a phase of being rude and disrespectful to their Mum. You need to build the authority now so that as a bit strong teenage boy he knows that you are not going to take any nonesense.

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Timide · 25/01/2023 19:58

Smb here said that time outs are not a good consequence. Doesn't teach a child anything. What do you think is good? Asking as I'm probably in the same situation as the op but with a 5yo

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iwishiwereafirefly · 25/01/2023 20:00

You're not your mum...so you can breathe and relax and not worry about that.

I think like others have said you're asking and asking and asking and nothing is changing because there's no boundaries. Perhaps you can sit with him and explain that
a) you love him unconditionally
b) you need him to listen to you for both his safety and your family's
c) new rules! From here on, it's 1 or 2 warnings (you decide what's best) followed by consequence.
d) you can even draw up a list of consequences so he knows what you mean...30 mins in his room, 30 mins off a toy...whatever works.

And then as hard as it is, follow through and be consistent, reminding him all the way that you love him but if he persists past your warnings, there's consequences.

I wish you good luck!

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Eyerollcentral · 25/01/2023 20:00

@LittlemissMama67 does your fiancé back you up? You need to keep remembering you are the boss, he isn’t running the show, you are. Would a behaviour chart work? Then he sees the consequences over time

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Onnabugeisha · 25/01/2023 20:04

A lot of what you describe could be ADHD:

”he will swear up and down that he didn't do something I have watched him do” - forgetfulness due to inability to focus on what you’re doing so you forget to did or said x.

“it's like a switch flipped and he started showing off rolling around on the floor and almost tripped one of the carers up getting under her feet, I asked him nicely more than 15 times to sit on the sofa and behave while the carers were dealing with grandad. In one ear and out the other.”. Hyperactive episode, inability to sit still

“I took him home and put him in his room, I said if he opened his door the timer would start again and he ended up in there for an hour and 20 minutes.” so he must have opened his door the first twenty minutes for a 1hr punishment to stretch to 1hr 20mins. Hyperactivity again.

“He was shouting at me through the door saying I hated him and I am the worst mum in the world.” feeling like you’re being punished for something you can’t control often makes you feel hated by the person punishing you.

“This isn't the first instance of blatant disrespect it happens all the time. A few weeks ago I raised my voice after asking him to brush his teeth 10+ times.” so this happens frequently, another sign as is your example. People with ADHD, the hyperactive sort also get hyper focus where they can’t tear themselves away from what they are doing to do a simple task or even talk to someone. It’s not deliberate ignoring.

I know a poster or a few will be along to say it’s utter rot and your DS cannot possibly have ADHD. But they cannot know this. All I’m saying is I have ADHD myself and your DS is showing a few signs he might have ADHD, so it is worth considering having him assessed for it. ADHD medication and therapy is really good these days, and so a diagnosis could get him help which will make everyone’s home life easier.

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LittlemissMama67 · 25/01/2023 20:05

Yes he does back me up but when it comes to things like this he lets me take charge because he's not his dad and he dosnt want to over step the mark, but when it comes to his disrespecting me he won't allow it. He had a 45 minute talk with him about respect the day he threw a pillow at my face

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