Putting child in room for an hour.. AIBU?

[LittlemissMama67]

My son is 8 next week and generally speaking he's a good kid, perfectly behaved at school, but he seems to have an issue with accountability he will swear up and down that he didn't do something I have watched him do. If he leaves his coat on the floor rather than hanging it up it's my fault because I bought the coat in the first place. I very rarely raise my voice I'd never raise my hands to my children ever and I do my very best to respect his feelings and his space. Always knock before entering his room. Etc I have a lot of patience and it does take a lot to push me over the edge but he's started saying we don't care about him if we try to discipline him in any way. It's got to the point where I am pussy footing around him because I don't want to upset him, but he will wake his 4 month old sister I've just battled to sleep because he thinks it's funny and I get so frustrated because if I say can you not do that please he will cry and say I don't care about him

tonight I snapped, my grandad is in a wheelchair and we went to see him after school. He was watching tv while I was chatting to my grandad untill his carers came in. As soon as they came in it's like a switch flipped and he started showing off rolling around on the floor and almost tripped one of the carers up getting under her feet, I asked him nicely more than 15 times to sit on the sofa and behave while the carers were dealing with grandad. In one ear and out the other. Eventually when they left my grandad told him to have some respect and to listen to me. Again didn't care. I then took him by the hands and said right listen you've been asked more than enough times to sit on the sofa and to stop rolling around on the floor, you're choosing to deliberately defy me now if I have to ask again you'll be going home to your room. Not even 5 seconds later he was back on the floor. I took him home and put him in his room, I said if he opened his door the timer would start again and he ended up in there for an hour and 20 minutes. He ate his dinner at his desk too. He was shouting at me through the door saying I hated him and I am the worst mum in the world. Am I being to harsh? This isn't the first instance of blatant disrespect it happens all the time. A few weeks ago I raised my voice after asking him to brush his teeth 10+ times. I said we would both apologise to each other and I went first, I apologised for raising my voice and I asked him to apologise for not listening to me. Instead he threw a couch cushion at my face. I'm at a loss

sorry this is really long. My mum was a maniac, she'd throw stuff at us, smack the crap out of us we were terrified of us. And I feel as a result I've gone the opposite way and I'm a useless soft touch 😩

[Dacadactyl]

You're not too harsh. He needs discipline.

When my son whinges, doesnt listen and says that "you dont love me mummy because if you did youd let me do x,y,z" I tell him firmly that its because i love him that im putting in boundaries. I tell him that he is going to do what I say or there will be a consequence (usually an electronics ban or no football training). Then you have to follow through with the consequence, without fail.

Don't ask him 15 times, 2 strikes and 3rd time he better do it from here on in. Explain the new rules to him in advance and the consequences if he doesn't do it. Stand firm.

[TheBestTeam]

"I asked him nicely more than 15 times to sit on the sofa and behave while the carers were dealing with grandad"

That's about 12 or 13 times too many. Not only is it not going to help him learn to behave it's going to annoy every body around you and it's going to drive you nuts.


Is there anything he absolutely loves that you could take away if he misbehaved. My kids loved their computer games and they knew the could loose their computer privileges if they misbehaved. I'd give a warning, a final warning then they would loose their computer for the day. If they complained about the punishment they would loose their computer privileges for the whole week.

It worked very well with my kids. I was very consistent and very rarely got angry or shouted.

Obviously it wasn't always perfect but, for my kids, it worked well. I know all kids are different though so I'm not daft enough to think it will work with all kids.

[Eyerollcentral]

@LittlemissMama67

Yes he does back me up but when it comes to things like this he lets me take charge because he's not his dad and he dosnt want to over step the mark, but when it comes to his disrespecting me he won't allow it. He had a 45 minute talk with him about respect the day he threw a pillow at my face

It’s great you have that support and he sounds like a great step dad. Keep doing what you are doing and your son will get the message. I also think 7-8 is the time children really push the boundaries. You just need to stand firm

[snugasbuginarug]

I really recommend "Good Inside" the podcast or the book by Dr Becky Kennedy.

Keeping calm is one of the hardest bits and it sounds like you've got that right.
The aim is calm authority to establish boundaries (I'm not going to let you do this!), while approaching the child with empathy (being curious to his why), and validating his feeling (I see you feel restless.)
The lying behaviour is often linked to the feeling of shame/embarrassment.

The idea of the book in a nutshell is that children (and adults) are being good
when they believe they're good inside. All good decisions start with feeling secure in ourselves and in our environment.

Lots of quality one to one, to (re)connect and have a strong bond.

You sound like a wonderful person who has had it hard. I do hope things get better quickly.

[oatmilk4breakfast]

The turning point of your post for me was mention of his 4 month old sister. That is a HUGE deal in your boys life. I agree with others that pussyfooting around isn’t the answer, but finding a way to recognise that his acting up is likely out of insecurity / fear / some other deep feelings he can’t express is key here I think. There’s a book called the science of parenting I think that might be useful here. Reframing challenging behaviour by recognising it as a kind of communication could help you. Not saying it’s not challenging, but thinking about it from a needs perspective is what I mean. What does your son need when he’s acting up? (You? Reassurance that things are still ok? That the baby hasn’t replaced him? Could be lots of things). He can’t respond to the ‘respect’ stuff very well at his age - it’s such an abstract concept - it needs modelling. What you can do is try and physically calm him (distract, redirect) something that calms so he can then engage frontal cortex again and he’s not acting out of flight or fight. I would apply this even to hun deliberately waking the baby. He doesn’t have the words for these enormous emotions/needs. He needs your help. I absolutely know it’s hard but I would try to connect / reconnect with him in those moments and ask ‘what’s happening? You love your grandad, he feels sad, I feel sad when I see you not listening and trying to trip people’ or whatever… ‘what’s going on? What are you feeling? Where in your body are you feeling it? What do you need?’ You know him the best. Once you’re connecting, then you can get him back on side and share your needs. ‘Im not cross when I’m asking you to pick up your coat - I need your help to make sure I or you don’t trip over it!’ Or whatever. But respond to his need first, then the ‘discipline/cooperation’ will come. You must be exhausted! Good luck!

[oatmilk4breakfast]

Aw snuginabugasarug has said it all much better than me!! And I’m going to go and read that book now. Sorry if I missed some of your posts OP. Really good luck to you. Respect for your approach x

[snugasbuginarug]

@oatmilk4breakfast

Aw snuginabugasarug has said it all much better than me!! And I’m going to go and read that book now. Sorry if I missed some of your posts OP. Really good luck to you. Respect for your approach x

I was just reading your post nodding in agreement at it all! x

[starsinthegutter]

4 month old sister, there's your answer right there. He's telling you why he's acting out. Have you asked him how he feels it? Perhaps he's even experiencing the same feelings as when his other sister was born... when he was 4/5. Try arranging some 1:1 time with one of you.

I totally agree about boundaries but I don't think punishment is the answer, he's acting out because he's hurt and the reason you know this is because it's new behaviour and he's 8. Trying to carve out some 1:1 time if you can.

[LittlemissMama67]

Thankyou everyone, I was expecting to be told off, but you've all been so kind and helpful. I think I'm just exhausted at the moment. When this sort of behaviour starts I can't even think straight to plan my next move so I just repeat and repeat the task at hand untill I can ask nicely no more. I think my mind needs a holiday 😂

I'm definitely going to implement the 1, 2 warning and 3 consequence I've told my
Partner about this and he's agreed to do it too. It's his birthday on Tuesday so hopefully a nice day out and a birthday dinner will help reset everyone emotions and we can all move forward.

[RoundUpRuby]

@Timide

Smb here said that time outs are not a good consequence. Doesn't teach a child anything. What do you think is good? Asking as I'm probably in the same situation as the op but with a 5yo

Time outs don’t teach anything because when the child is having a tough time, what you’re doing is sending them away to deal with their feelings themselves. They cannot do that, they need you. It’s also not a natural consequence.

They need you to co-regulate with them. So, say for example, child throws a ball at you. “Balls are for kicking or playing with. If you cannot play with the ball as intended I will have to take it away.” Child tantrums. In this moment, you cannot teach anything because they are too disregulated. They are not capable of learning right now.

So, you co-regulate. You establish the boundary (that balls are for playing with, not using as a weapon), you hold the boundary (take the ball away). It is a natural consequence. Then you help the child calm down through breathing exercises, just being in the room with them, contact if they want it, reassurance that when they’re ready you’re there for them.

Only when the child has regulated themselves - which they cannot do without you - can you sit down and say “hey, it wasn’t very kind to throw the ball at mummy. It hurt me. Can you think of something we can do in future if you’re feeling like this?” And go through coping techniques and mechanisms so the same thing hopefully won’t repeat itself.

The younger a child is when being taught this, the better, because these are the foundations. But the key information is that you need to establish a clear boundary, hold that boundary, and co regulate.

[TheBestTeam]

I think time outs work really well with some kids. I used them with all my kids. They don't need to be long. It gives time to calm down and time to think about what they did. I always followed it up with a quick chat about why they were there, what better decisions could they make next time and an apology if needed.
There were a few occasions where my kids gave themselves a timeout on their own initiative. That used to make me laugh. I'd ask them what they were doing on the bottom step of the stairs and they'd reply that they had hit their sibling or something similar.

I'm sure there are lots of kids who can't self regulate but, equally, there are a lot who can. I used timeouts when my kids were really little. I didn't used to shout or get angry with my kids. Time outs seemed like a calm way to deal with bad behaviour.


Obviously we still occasionally had our moments.