Activities on Dad weekend

[Choice4567]

I need some wise words! I've posted about EXH a few times a while ago. We split when DD was 2, and initially he had her 2 nights a week and EOW.

When she was 6, he moved 150 miles away. Some issues at that time as he declared I had to meet him half way on the journey every time he had her. We went to meditation and sorted out a reasonable solution for both of us

It's been fine for the last 4 years. However things are now starting to come up with DD's social life now she's 10!

She has birthday parties and things like club performances coming up on weekends. Obviously when she's with me she can attend these no problems. When she is with dad, it would mean her missing her whole weekend with him as he lives too far to be able to facilitate. DD is getting upset that she has to miss out on a lot of things as exh says family time is more important

I know that spending time with her dad is important but I'm torn as she is desperate to attend things with her friends. If he still lived 2 miles down the road she could attend. He didn't have to move 150 miles away, followed his partner down there

When does DD start getting a voice in what she does at the weekends?

[peaceandpotato]

Could your ex have her longer in school holidays

[Choice4567]

He has her for roughly half of all holidays at the moment

not sure DD would want to lengthen that time either as she misses out on what’s happening at home

[Surfsenior]

Yes I’d suggest swapping missed weekends for a few extra days in summer or Easter (or he could have her on the teacher’s strike days!)

I think your dd is old enough to have a voice. My dd would always have picked friends/activities over family at this age! I think it’s normal.

[PuttingDownRoots]

Does he do 2x300mile trips in a weekend normally?
Point out it will probably be cheaper staying in a Premier Inn near you at least one weekend a month and then he can watch her competition etc.

[aSofaNearYou]

How often would you say these weekend activities are coming up? We live a similar distance from DSS and if something comes up that he wants to do we just swap for the next weekend.

[Choice4567]

Yes I think she should have more choice herself now too. Unfortunately whenever this has come up recently, I’ve messaged to explain that a party (or whatever) is coming up on his weekend, he’s replied to say it’s tough luck, she can’t go and needs to learn to put her family first

I’d be happy for him to have extra days in the holidays but I don’t see EXH or DD being particularly agreeable to that!

I’m wondering if we need to go back to mediation. Or will DDs views not be taken into account when she’s only 10?

It’s also annoying as it’s always me she asks if she can go, then I have to relay the message that Dad has said no and then I get the upset!

[NoSquirrels]

Can’t be travel down sometimes and stay in a hotel or Air BnB to watch her competitions etc?

I’d say by secondary school age she gets to be an active part of the decision, and so it’s in your exH interests to come up with a more flexible attitude or it will be up to a court and they’ll take her views into account.

[NoSquirrels]

You have to empower her to speak up with her dad, I think.

[AdviceOnLife]

Just reply he didn't put his family ie his own child first when he moved 150 miles away for a woman.
Absolute hypocrite he is.

[Eastereggsboxedupready]

Flip it op.
In years to come when dd hasn't much of a relationship with her df she will know you allowed her social life to outweigh a decent relationship with her df...
Judge told my exh to stop making plans for our dc in my time.

[ArseInTheDogBowl]

@aSofaNearYou

How often would you say these weekend activities are coming up? We live a similar distance from DSS and if something comes up that he wants to do we just swap for the next weekend.

I'm in pretty much the same position as the OP and tbh I don't think swapping for the next weekend would be fair on me, the resident parent.

Of course it may be different in your situation if you weren't the ones who chose to move away. But my ex chooses to live 3 hours away. Has the DC EOW. I do all of the parenting stuff- he has the fun bits.

I wouldn't be impressed if i had to swap weekends to enable activities, so that's how my weekends with the kids were spent, when he can then have the weekend for doing what he likes with them. I have swapped in the past but it causes real difficulties. He should live closer to the DC, so they don't miss out on activities etc.

[ArseInTheDogBowl]

@AdviceOnLife

Just reply he didn't put his family ie his own child first when he moved 150 miles away for a woman.
Absolute hypocrite he is.

Yep. This entirely.

It's so frustrating OP, I feel your pain a lot atm!

[piggijg]

I think at 10 he's right. He can't dictate how you spend your weekends with her anymore than you can to him. I'd offer to swap round weekends if it was her best friends birthday or something like that but other than that it's just the joy of being from a blended family.

[Choice4567]

@Eastereggsboxedupready I’m not stopping her. She still sees him EOW and in the holidays. I’m just curious as to when she gets to decide herself because at the moment she’s not being allowed to do the things she wants as he lives too far away

If he lived close by, she could still go to his at the weekends and he could take her to a 2 hour party or event

[ArseInTheDogBowl]

@piggijg

I think at 10 he's right. He can't dictate how you spend your weekends with her anymore than you can to him. I'd offer to swap round weekends if it was her best friends birthday or something like that but other than that it's just the joy of being from a blended family.

OP isn't dictating how he spends his weekends, she's making the point that his choice to prioritise his new woman and his decision to move so far away from his daughter means that the daughter is suffering as a consequence. If he was a decent parent and had stayed near his child, he could see her every other weekend (and in the week) and then do his share of the ferrying to activities on his weekends, like the OP does on hers, and then the daughter wouldn't miss out either.

[Choice4567]

@piggijg I’m not really dictating though - I have no control over when other children have their parties or club events happen

it’s just sad when she begs me to ask her dad if she can go and then have to tell her he’s said no again

[Choice4567]

@ArseInTheDogBowl yes! That’s exactly what I meant thank you!

[00100001]

"he’s replied to say it’s tough luck, she can’t go and needs to learn to put her family first"

So, presumably he's the one sitting her down and explaining to her why she can't go? And

And not leaving it to you today "it's your weekend to be with Dad..." Etc?


Of he's copping out, get DD to ask Dad directly, so he has to be the one to say no...?

[saraclara]

he’s replied to say it’s tough luck, she can’t go and needs to learn to put her family first

Well he's not exactly a shining example for her, is he? If family comes first for him, why isn't be prioritising her needs by letting her attend events that are important to her?

[Choice4567]

@00100001 I know. My only problem is she has no way to ask him directly until she sees him, and sometimes things need replying to before that

[WoeBeCome]

He’s a total hypocrite. Says you need to put family first but he didn’t do that. He moved 150 miles away. And he’s not putting family first when he’s stopping her seeing friends. She’ll start to resent him soon

[fatsocatso]

@Eastereggsboxedupready

Flip it op.
In years to come when dd hasn't much of a relationship with her df she will know you allowed her social life to outweigh a decent relationship with her df...
Judge told my exh to stop making plans for our dc in my time.

But OP isn't making any plans in her EXH's time. She is simply receiving invitations on behalf of her daughter and passing them on to the father. As you rightly point out, it's his choice what he allows DC to do in his time, so OP is doing exactly what she should be doing. Passing on the invitations and allowing him to decide.

[canteatlovefood]

My stepson is 12 and we have him every weekend. We live approx 40 mins away so not as far but obviously far enough away from ss's friends/activities.
My DH would NEVER say to his son he should miss a party etc to come to our house. Ever. He knows he will see him less as he gets older and more sociable, but he's not a selfish prick who can't understand that his son sometimes wants to spend time with his friends.

As we're only 40 mins away DH tends to just pick up later/drop off earlier or will facilitate the event himself. But he would never stop him going. Ever.

[piedbeauty]

he’s replied to say it’s tough luck, she can’t go and needs to learn to put her family first

If he's not careful, when she's old enough to choose, she'll stop seeing him altogether.

What a selfish way of looking at things.

[peeweechigs]

@Choice4567

@piggijg I’m not really dictating though - I have no control over when other children have their parties or club events happen

it’s just sad when she begs me to ask her dad if she can go and then have to tell her he’s said no again

Ask her to ask her dad. Then it's him saying no to her. Might make more of an impact.