Activities on Dad weekend

[Choice4567]

I need some wise words! I've posted about EXH a few times a while ago. We split when DD was 2, and initially he had her 2 nights a week and EOW.

When she was 6, he moved 150 miles away. Some issues at that time as he declared I had to meet him half way on the journey every time he had her. We went to meditation and sorted out a reasonable solution for both of us

It's been fine for the last 4 years. However things are now starting to come up with DD's social life now she's 10!

She has birthday parties and things like club performances coming up on weekends. Obviously when she's with me she can attend these no problems. When she is with dad, it would mean her missing her whole weekend with him as he lives too far to be able to facilitate. DD is getting upset that she has to miss out on a lot of things as exh says family time is more important

I know that spending time with her dad is important but I'm torn as she is desperate to attend things with her friends. If he still lived 2 miles down the road she could attend. He didn't have to move 150 miles away, followed his partner down there

When does DD start getting a voice in what she does at the weekends?

Just rung him up and put her on the phone. Does she never phone him anyway?

Perhaps now is the time for a phone she can text him on?

Do they not speak to each other at all (phone call, video chat) until EOW contact?

Totally agree. He's shooting himself in the foot longer-term.

This is exactly what will happen

She does video call him sometimes. He’s quite exacting as to who can be in the room when she does though so it’s not always easy. But I shall try and encourage it more. And then yes she can ask him!

If he has a mobile or phone why cant dd talk to her Dad on the phone? She ask and he would then need to be the one to tell her no.

He is exacting about who is in the room with him at his end or who is in her room at her end? If at her end, he doesn't really get to have a say, surely? Either way, what a controlling knob. Which fits perfectly with his behaviour over-riding her wishes to have a social life at the weekend.

*I'm in pretty much the same position as the OP and tbh I don't think swapping for the next weekend would be fair on me, the resident parent.

Of course it may be different in your situation if you weren't the ones who chose to move away. But my ex chooses to live 3 hours away. Has the DC EOW. I do all of the parenting stuff- he has the fun bits.

I wouldn't be impressed if i had to swap weekends to enable activities, so that's how my weekends with the kids were spent, when he can then have the weekend for doing what he likes with them. I have swapped in the past but it causes real difficulties. He should live closer to the DC, so they don't miss out on activities etc.*

Well it's DP's ex that wants the swaps, so he can attend things that are organised or agreed to on her watch, so I'm assuming if she didn't want to swap she wouldn't ask.

We have DSS EOW Fri-Sun, so if the activity is on the Friday or Sunday we often just pick him up later or drop him off earlier, but obviously they are annoyingly often on a Saturday.

In terms of "should live closer", yes obviously this would be ideal for DSS but the reality is the prospects are not good in that area for a variety of reasons, if DP has stayed with his ex he would have been pushing to move. An hour away is fine for EOW pickups and we can't entirely prioritise DSS's activities, there are other factors. That said DSS does not do many activities, he doesn't do weekend clubs and parties on his weekends here only come up every so often. We are flexible both ways.

Ha. The irony of him saying she needs to put family first when he was the one to move 150 miles away from his own daughter.

@fatsocatso who can be around her. Doesn’t want anybody nearby in case it distracts her. But still I should encourage her to call more if only to be able to ask things herself

@MikeWozniaksMohawk oh I know! But it doesn’t go down well if you point that out!

Well courts generally take children's views into consideration at 11 so if she's not far off maybe mediation may be a way forward.

Parties can be missed but if its performances, any decent parent should be encouraging this. Although I totally get the whole "don't book activities on their time..."

How is she on her weekends with him if she knows she's missing something? Is he able to sometimes spend a weekend locally, I mean what he'd be paying in fuel would prob meet over half cost of a B&B/premier Inn.

They don't phone each other? Video call? Text?

Tell him you no longer wish to be the messenger of bad news, and it is getting to the point in her life that they need to speak more frequently so he can listen to her point of view and tell her himself if he’s not willing to compromise at any time. Tell him you’ll video call him with her when situations such as this arise, to support her to ask him so you all know what’s what.

@CombatBarbie thats interesting if it is 11. Can certainly hold on for a year if they’ll take her views then. If I have another 3-4 years of explaining why she’s not allowed to do anything because Dad says no it’s going to be tricky

I think its important for both parents to get a little flexible while maintaining the balance. Family life is important. If he's only seeing her 4-6 days a month then there will be things that need to be shuffled around a bit if she wants to go to these parties. Grandparents birthdays, weddings etc. Large family gatherings. She should be included in these where possible as long as its not a massive Family with one every week.

Thing is, what happens when they're 14/15 and they want to spend the weekends hanging around with their friends, not even specific activities as such but just meeting up and hanging around? They should be able to do this stuff. This is why non resident parents should still live near their children, to enable them to have a normal social life/do activities and the things they want to do, the things that generally aren't difficult for the kids whose parents aren't separated.

@peaceandpotato when he says family comes first he just means himself. He doesn’t have any other family in this country

@peaceandpotato but yes there is a part of me that feels sad she doesn’t see him that much and I don’t want to lessen that time even further. But on the other hand I’m not sure what he was thinking would happen when he moved that far away!

Could you suggest you & Ex split the costs of a mobile phone for her to use at home only, to speak to Ex. That way they can text/FaceTime unlimited amounts? And he might be more willing to concede some of "his" weekends if he can maintain their relationship over the phone

Sorry OP. I insisted we had to put a long term arrangement bin place when DD started school- ex moved 600 miles away 🙄. You're right that it's not fair on DD

Yes I definitely think FaceTiming more often should be done. I’ll get on to encouraging her more to do that. Hopefully that will mean she can ask him things more directly

In regards to a long term plan as she heads to the teenage years I’m not even sure what I’d suggest to make it work. I suppose for him to come up and stay near by more often, rather than insisting she had to go to his. That way he can take her to things