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Step-Kids situation is a total mess!

50 replies

fujo83 · 25/01/2023 17:32

Hello everyone :) so a bit of a backstory - hubby has 4 kids from 2 previous relationships. His 2 boys are 12 and 15 and they decided quite some time ago that they didn't want to visit him anymore (or so their mother says) I only met them a couple of times a few years ago and we got on really well tbf. His other 2 girls are 6 and 9 and I really struggle when they come over (there are often long periods when they don't come over as he and their mother have fallen out but that's a whole different story!!!) They are nice children, very polite and do as they're told (by me as hubby always looks at me to discipline them!!!) It really grinds my gears when they come over as they literally want to sit in bed on their ipad's ALL DAY AND NIGHT!! he never does anything with them so I just feel the need to get out of the house on my own (after working all week I don't want to sit in the house all weekend cleaning or watching TV!) He lets them go to bed the same time as we do, doesn't cook them nutritious food and lets them eat as much junk as they want (even if its bedtime!) Hubby is the sort of person that you can not criticize - its just not worth it! I do say things like 'its a bit late for chocolate, why are they not asleep or have they had a shower today etc.?! but it falls on deaf ears. For all the reasons above I have begun to really not enjoy them being there and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable when they're around. I suppose I'm just looking for advice and opinions from you lovely lot x

FYI I do not have any kids - I am 41 and have never wanted any- I do have a niece and nephew who I absolutely adore.

OP posts:
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ArcticSkewer · 25/01/2023 17:34

I'd probably find a better partner. He sounds a bit rubbish. Was he really the best you could do?

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ICanHideButICantRun · 25/01/2023 17:36

Why on earth are you there? I would have been long gone. How can you have any respect for him at all?

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DelphiniumBlue · 25/01/2023 17:37

So he's got 2 sets of children he's left, doesn't see one set, and when he does see the others, doesn't bother with them. Nice.
What I'd do is reconsider the whole relationship, he doesn't sound like a decent guy.

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cles · 25/01/2023 17:40

He wasn't like this when we met / were engaged - it went down hill after we married!

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MrsWhites · 25/01/2023 17:41

He’s got 2 sets of children that he either doesn’t see or doesn’t bother with when he does see them! The only advice we can give you is to find another partner!

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Yesthatismychildsigh · 25/01/2023 17:41

2 exes he’s on bad terms with. 2 sets of kids, one of whom he doesn’t see. The other set he leaves you to parent. IF this is real then why are your standards so damn low?

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Yesthatismychildsigh · 25/01/2023 17:42

cles · 25/01/2023 17:40

He wasn't like this when we met / were engaged - it went down hill after we married!

Name change fail? Not too late to offload this absolute waste of skin.

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Swiftswatch · 25/01/2023 17:44

For all the reasons above I have begun to really not enjoy them being there and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable when they're around.

You seem to be framing it that the girls are the issue but the problem is your husband is a terrible father to all 4 of his children.

Are you actually married or just a partner?

To me I’m really not seeing anything good about this situation. 2 of his children don’t want to see him, he doesn’t see the other 2 for huge periods of time because he has fallen out with his ex and when he does see then he doesn’t parent them and is actually pretty neglectful.
Is that really a partner you want?

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maranella · 25/01/2023 17:45

Why on earth are you with this man? He sounds awful. I couldn't be anyone who was such a disinterested, neglectful parent.

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cles · 25/01/2023 17:48

Swiftswatch · 25/01/2023 17:44

For all the reasons above I have begun to really not enjoy them being there and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable when they're around.

You seem to be framing it that the girls are the issue but the problem is your husband is a terrible father to all 4 of his children.

Are you actually married or just a partner?

To me I’m really not seeing anything good about this situation. 2 of his children don’t want to see him, he doesn’t see the other 2 for huge periods of time because he has fallen out with his ex and when he does see then he doesn’t parent them and is actually pretty neglectful.
Is that really a partner you want?

I think you have hit the nail on the head. We are married btw. I suppose I compare my situation to my brother and his wife (my niece and nephew's step mum - they do so much together!)

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peaceandpotato · 25/01/2023 17:48

They are nice children, very polite and do as they're told (by me as hubby always looks at me to discipline them!!!) right well stop doing the parenting for him. Leave him to it. If they sit on their ipads all day how does that actually affect you? Detach yourself from the fact you care about them and let him do the parenting how he sees fir, they are his kids after all.

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cles · 25/01/2023 17:50

peaceandpotato · 25/01/2023 17:48

They are nice children, very polite and do as they're told (by me as hubby always looks at me to discipline them!!!) right well stop doing the parenting for him. Leave him to it. If they sit on their ipads all day how does that actually affect you? Detach yourself from the fact you care about them and let him do the parenting how he sees fir, they are his kids after all.

thank you :) I feel that I'm the bad person for feeling the way I do x

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Dacadactyl · 25/01/2023 17:50

Unfortunately you've missed some big red flags. 2 failed relationships behind him, both producing children. Neither woman wanted to stay with him for the long haul and would rather go it alone than be hitched to him. 2 older kids dont want anything to do with him. All this told you everything you needed to know.

He's a poor excuse for a father.

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NewNameNigel · 25/01/2023 17:52

As a fellow childless step mum I think you need to take a bit of a step back here. Who cares if they eat too much junk food and stay up late? It's not good for them but it doesn't have to effect you. As step parent you should never care more than the actual parent!

Maintain your friendships with other childless people and spend time with them and let your dp deal with the kids.

Is that really a partner you want

@Swiftswatch@Swiftswatch it's possible to be good partner without being a good parent, just as its possible to be a good parent but a bad partner. The op doesn't want children so isn't going to prioritise his parenting skills.

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Eastereggsboxedupready · 25/01/2023 17:55

Congratulations on your nanny position op
.

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Owlplant · 25/01/2023 17:56

He does sound like a waste of space. I would say try not to worry about the iPad and staying up late etc. In the nicest possible way, it's not your responsibility. I might feel that my step children go to bed really late, but if they're knackered at school and can't concentrate on learning, it's nothing to do with me.

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cles · 25/01/2023 17:56

I really appreciate your opinions, thank you everyone x

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peaceandpotato · 25/01/2023 17:57

cles · 25/01/2023 17:48

I think you have hit the nail on the head. We are married btw. I suppose I compare my situation to my brother and his wife (my niece and nephew's step mum - they do so much together!)

Yeah don't compare.

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ManchesterGirl2 · 25/01/2023 17:57

I couldn't respect a man who was such a poor parent to his children.

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Dacadactyl · 25/01/2023 17:58

NewNameNigel · 25/01/2023 17:52

As a fellow childless step mum I think you need to take a bit of a step back here. Who cares if they eat too much junk food and stay up late? It's not good for them but it doesn't have to effect you. As step parent you should never care more than the actual parent!

Maintain your friendships with other childless people and spend time with them and let your dp deal with the kids.

Is that really a partner you want

@Swiftswatch@Swiftswatch it's possible to be good partner without being a good parent, just as its possible to be a good parent but a bad partner. The op doesn't want children so isn't going to prioritise his parenting skills.

Is it really possible to be a good partner and shit parent?

I can't see it tbh. The qualities you need for good parenting are very similar to the qualities you need to be a good partner. Selflessness (to a degree), willingness to compromise etc.

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peaceandpotato · 25/01/2023 17:58

cles · 25/01/2023 17:50

thank you :) I feel that I'm the bad person for feeling the way I do x

You're really not. You sound like you care a lot.

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RelentlessForwardProgress · 25/01/2023 17:58

Doesn't sound like the step kids are a mess, sounds like he is.

He sounds absolutely awful.

I'd have a think about whether this relationship is what you need.

In the meantime, I'd double or triple down on your contraception OP

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Ameadowwalk · 25/01/2023 17:59

But he’s not a good partner Newname - he offloads parenting to the OP. A good partner would recognise his children are HIS responsibility and act accordingly. It’s why he has two sets of children with women he is no longer with. Not the sign of a good partner.

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blackbeardsballsack · 25/01/2023 18:01

Poor kids, all four of them have a terrible father. I honestly do not know how you can be attracted to him or have any respect for him.

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cles · 25/01/2023 18:01

RelentlessForwardProgress · 25/01/2023 17:58

Doesn't sound like the step kids are a mess, sounds like he is.

He sounds absolutely awful.

I'd have a think about whether this relationship is what you need.

In the meantime, I'd double or triple down on your contraception OP

Oh he has had the snip - made sure of this years ago lol - he's had enough children I feel!

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