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Parenting

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Original poster

Step-Kids situation is a total mess!

50 replies

fujo83 · 25/01/2023 17:32

Hello everyone :) so a bit of a backstory - hubby has 4 kids from 2 previous relationships. His 2 boys are 12 and 15 and they decided quite some time ago that they didn't want to visit him anymore (or so their mother says) I only met them a couple of times a few years ago and we got on really well tbf. His other 2 girls are 6 and 9 and I really struggle when they come over (there are often long periods when they don't come over as he and their mother have fallen out but that's a whole different story!!!) They are nice children, very polite and do as they're told (by me as hubby always looks at me to discipline them!!!) It really grinds my gears when they come over as they literally want to sit in bed on their ipad's ALL DAY AND NIGHT!! he never does anything with them so I just feel the need to get out of the house on my own (after working all week I don't want to sit in the house all weekend cleaning or watching TV!) He lets them go to bed the same time as we do, doesn't cook them nutritious food and lets them eat as much junk as they want (even if its bedtime!) Hubby is the sort of person that you can not criticize - its just not worth it! I do say things like 'its a bit late for chocolate, why are they not asleep or have they had a shower today etc.?! but it falls on deaf ears. For all the reasons above I have begun to really not enjoy them being there and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable when they're around. I suppose I'm just looking for advice and opinions from you lovely lot x

FYI I do not have any kids - I am 41 and have never wanted any- I do have a niece and nephew who I absolutely adore.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Sparkletastic · 25/01/2023 18:03

He sounds like an atrocious father and shit 'hubby'. Move on OP.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 25/01/2023 18:04

cles · 25/01/2023 18:01

Oh he has had the snip - made sure of this years ago lol - he's had enough children I feel!

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Phew! 😉

NewNameNigel · 25/01/2023 18:04

Dacadactyl · 25/01/2023 17:58

Is it really possible to be a good partner and shit parent?

I can't see it tbh. The qualities you need for good parenting are very similar to the qualities you need to be a good partner. Selflessness (to a degree), willingness to compromise etc.

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Some people are shit parents because they aren't particularly interested in kids but had them to keep the peace in a relationship that ended but are devoted to their new partners. It's not a convenient truth but I know people like that. It's really shit for the kids but it happens.

I have a friend who's a fantastic mum but I think she talks to her partner like shit. I've called her out on it many times and we're not as close because of it. She's a great mum but not a good partner at all.

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Families General parenting

ThePear · 25/01/2023 18:05

OP, because you name changed your posts are not highlighted, so people can’t choose to view your replies.

Sadly you chose a deadbeat, who has failed all four of the kids he chose to have. Pretty embarrassing but easily rectified with a divorce.

Tooposhtowash · 25/01/2023 18:05

Your husband is not the sort of person I would ever wish to meet. Good luck 🍀

NewNameNigel · 25/01/2023 18:06

Ameadowwalk · 25/01/2023 17:59

But he’s not a good partner Newname - he offloads parenting to the OP. A good partner would recognise his children are HIS responsibility and act accordingly. It’s why he has two sets of children with women he is no longer with. Not the sign of a good partner.

I think could be true. Or if could be that he doesn't expect the op to step up as he doesn't care if they stay up late eating junk food.

In any case I don't think the op should be doing this as it shouldn't be her problem. Let the parent deal with the consequences of not parenting properly.

LCforlife · 25/01/2023 18:08

I couldn't be with someone who makes so little effort with his children, it really is a mark of a shitty selfish person.

Get out OP it's not too late.

Swiftswatch · 25/01/2023 18:09

NewNameNigel · 25/01/2023 17:52

As a fellow childless step mum I think you need to take a bit of a step back here. Who cares if they eat too much junk food and stay up late? It's not good for them but it doesn't have to effect you. As step parent you should never care more than the actual parent!

Maintain your friendships with other childless people and spend time with them and let your dp deal with the kids.

Is that really a partner you want

@Swiftswatch@Swiftswatch it's possible to be good partner without being a good parent, just as its possible to be a good parent but a bad partner. The op doesn't want children so isn't going to prioritise his parenting skills.

No I whole heartedly disagree.
Being a downright neglectful and absent parent is a huge character flaw and is not a good partner imo.
It’s just just parenting ‘skills’, neglecting your children shows a lack of maturity, responsibility and care for other people. If OP finds herself unwell no doubt he will not care for her just as he doesn’t care for his children.

I also don’t understand how someone could continue to foster a relationship with a person who neglects their children.
Not wanting to have your own children doesn’t mean most people would be okay with children being neglected.

Justcallmebebes · 25/01/2023 18:12

Jesus, he sounds awful. I also don't believe his ex's stop him seeing the kids. He's just another fucking useless dead beat dad. Poor kids

Dacadactyl · 25/01/2023 18:15

NewNameNigel · 25/01/2023 18:06

I think could be true. Or if could be that he doesn't expect the op to step up as he doesn't care if they stay up late eating junk food.

In any case I don't think the op should be doing this as it shouldn't be her problem. Let the parent deal with the consequences of not parenting properly.

Show quote history

She is their step mother and his poor parenting will come back to bite her on the arse in a few years. She won't be living in a harmonious home when these children are there, that's for sure.

OP, I just could not sleep with him knowing how he treats his kids. I would barely be able to look at him. Any respect I may have had for him (unlikely in the first place given his history) would be gone.

NewNameNigel · 25/01/2023 18:17

I wouldn't want to be with him either but I can also see that some people would be less bothered. Threads like this often turn into people piling on to the woman for being in the relationship which I can't imagine is very nice to be in on the receiving end of if you've posted asking for help.

PeekAtYou · 25/01/2023 18:20

Thank god you don't have kids with him.

Of course you're not enjoying the time- you know that he's fucking up his kids and I should imagine that it's sending you alarm bells for what might happen if you were ever sick and unable to work.

Dacadactyl · 25/01/2023 18:22

@NewNameNigel that is a fair point.

OP, good luck with deciding on the best course of action.

Cocobutt · 25/01/2023 18:31

He sounds like an idiot but for now I would always have a long bath and early to bed and read a book, watch tv, go on your phone etc and I would run errands, meet up with family and friends etc during the daytime so he has to actually be the one to parent his children.

Be kind to them obviously but you can make a point of it being dad and daughter time.

Ragwort · 25/01/2023 18:35

Genuine question - what on earth attracts you to a man like that?

ChildminderMum · 25/01/2023 18:38

He's a crap dad, but since you don't have kids that might not be a huge issue for you so long as he's a really great husband to you. Is he?

I'd try not to be there when his poor kids are visiting - you can't change the situation and it will just be upsetting to be around.
The girls will probably also stop bothering with him once they're old enough to choose.

PartyHelp · 25/01/2023 18:41

He sounds like a crap dad all round. The only thing that will help is for him to actually parent his kids or for you to leave him. I'd recommend leaving as you have that choice. I just feel sorry for the kids who don't!

slowquickstep · 25/01/2023 18:59

He sounds so lovely

Eyerollcentral · 25/01/2023 19:06

fujo83 · 25/01/2023 17:32

FYI I do not have any kids - I am 41 and have never wanted any- I do have a niece and nephew who I absolutely adore.

Your husband basically doesn’t see his two eldest, who you don’t know really, dumps his other children on you, starts fights with their mothers and won’t accept any criticism…. Why did you marry him? He’s not going to change now. I’d do as little as possible. It’s awful for the children but frankly they are his children. Why does he bother having them with you if he does nothing with them?

Choconut · 25/01/2023 19:33

I don't think you have a problem with the children at all - you only describe them positively. The reason you're uncomfortable around them is because they make you realise what a shit father your OH is. That is what you are uncomfortable with, him, not them.

chezpopbang · 25/01/2023 21:02

You didn't want kids but ended up with a man who has 4 and are left looking after them? It would be a hard no from me

Simulacra · 25/01/2023 21:08

I’m wondering why you’re not uncomfortable around your neglectful, disengaged, child abandoning husband, tbh? How can you have any respect or affection for him when he’s a piss poor excuse for a father? Or does that not bother you?

lunar1 · 25/01/2023 21:13

Why are you uncomfortable around the children rather than the complete waste of oxygen you married!!

HopelesslyOptimistic · 25/01/2023 21:17

What an utter slob he sounds. It truly isn't the children's fault there's no boundaries.... you sound caring but goodness me did you not see the red flags as others have said. Left two sets of children. Useless human and his two previous relationships clearly saw through him. Hoping your the third. Poor children.

wp65 · 25/01/2023 21:31

He sounds absolutely pathetic, OP. How can you have any respect for him at all?

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