Completely lost/depressed struggling with 4m old

[AmberM2022]

So this might be abit of a long one.
I have a little boy 4m tomorrow and safe to say we have not had the best 16 weeks, he had awful god awful colic, reflux, he has a major cows milk allergy, horrific eczema, has had covid and a febrile seizure (awfully scary time 3 days in hospital) a tongue tie cut and to top it off just doesn’t like to sleep!
And basically i just constantly regret having him, i miss my old life so much and have a constant ‘what have i done’ feeling. He screams and cry’s more than ever before at the moment, and is sleeping worse than ever before (i didn’t even think that was possible) I know we have been through a lot but i just feel like a shit mum and that he hates me. I hear about the 4m sleep regression and wonder if he’s going through that but then again i just don’t know if it’s even a thing?
Has anyone else felt so lost being a FTM? I know people say ‘oh yeah it’s hard isn’t it’ but i find it REALLY hard and other mums just don’t seem to feel like me? I go to baby sensory and mums seem so content and happy with their baby’s and i just want to cry.
How do other people cope with constant screaming and crying?
Sorry for rambling i just don’t know where else to turn with my thoughts

Your hard is a lot harder than most peoples hard. I didn't have any of those issues and I still felt lost, depressed and lonely. Have you tried Co-sleeping? It was the only way I could get any sleep at all. Did it with my dd who was formula fed and my ds who was breastfed. Turns out my DD slept better that was as she's autistic and was sensory seeking.

This was me with my DS when he was a baby. He had terrible colic and reflux and cried a lot. I also had a lot of those what have I done moments and I think I spent the first 6 months feeling like I was a shit mum.

also, other mums who had content little babies just didn't get it. I'd go for coffee with NCT friends and their babies would just sleep in their prams while mine was kicking off.

I learned to cope by going for sling walks and listening to audiobooks/podcasts to get DS to sleep.

it's a really tough time but I found things got easier for me once DS started crawling and weaning. I think he just wanted to move. He's just a very spirited kid.

He's a very energetic loving and caring 4 year old now! He's still quite an emotional little man and will wail at the drop of a hat but I've gotten used to that over the past 4 years.

Dont listen to anyone who says babies are all the same. They are not. I have a 18 month old DD who was the complete opposite to DS as a baby and just sat contentedly in her pram and is waaaaay more chilled out.

4 months is an awful time sleep wise but it will get better, mainly because you get used to it 💐

Also switching on the hairdryer when DS cried seem to chill him out 😅 I don't know if it was just the soothing nature of white noise or if it was just the shock of the loud noise but it worked in helping him stop for a bit

I promise you - PROMISE - it will get better. This was also my experience. CMPA and other allergies, eczema, colic, constant screaming and she was so miserable. Admissions for infections and tons of IV antibiotics.
First of all , please don't feel bad or guilty. Right now this does look like a bad decision you've made as honestly, at the moment, nobody would want to be living your life. But hang in there. They grow. Things improve. It's a wonderful moment when you get beyond all the "issues" and finally connect with the little person, but it might take a while.
First, what support do you have with your mental health? Make sure you get counselling. The whole thing gave me PND but it went unrecognised for absolute ages. Counselling/cbt really helped me manage my anxiety and misery over the eczema and allergies in particular.
Secondly, do you have a dermatologist and a referal to allergy specialists? This really makes the difference. GPS and HVs are useless at this. And you might need support for a while - my 5yo is still cmpa and egg allergic. If you're anywhere within commuting distance to London ask for a referral to The Evelina at St Thomas's. If you can afford to go private - even for a one off consultation - Prof Adam Fox is amazing for all round allergy and eczema care.
Don't let anyone who isn't dealing with an eczema baby minimise your experience. It's the hardest thing. I have a second child now who also carries an epi pen for multiple allergies but has perfect skin and ITS SO MUCH EASIER Than the constant creaming and bathing routines.
Please please come back and ask any questions or for any other thing that might help.
Im so sorry you're going through this too but im here from your future to tell you that you won't regret your decision to have children long term... things will get much easier and much happier. Just hang in there xxx

Yes I know how you feel. When my first was born she was so hard. Reflux, milk intolerance, didn't sleep for more than an hour at a time. It is exhausting and I felt so depressed. I thought it must be the same for other mums, it was only when having my other children that I realised it really isn't always that hard for other mums. My others were dream babies, slept, drank fine. My first is now older and is an amazing child but the first year of her life was so hard. I would just hold on and look back each week to try and identify parts that have got easier and tell myself IT WILL GET EASIER! it will for you too x

I hear you OP. DS’ first year was an utterly miserable experience. He had a tongue tie and feeding issues and was a just an all round incredibly high needs, grumpy, clingy, none sleeping baby. I’ve always said it was out of the frying pan and into the fire - we left the newborn hell of colic and reflux, straight into an extreme 4-6 month fussy phase. There was a bit of an improvement at 6 months but he remained extremely frustrated until he could walk and talk if I’m honest. He didn’t sleep through until we night weaned him at a year old.

I find others just don’t and won’t understand unless they’ve lived through a baby like this. Of course they wouldn’t - only about 10% of babies come out like this. Most babies are of the General content and happy variety - bad phases are short lived, not the day to day norm. I felt exactly as you did. I fantasised about leaving DS out somewhere in his pram so someone else would have to look after him. I was extremely low and used to sob for my old life.

The good news is, in my experience (and if you search for a lot of posts about high needs babies on MN), DS became a genuinely fantastic toddler. He’s bright, emotionally sensitive, hilarious and he spoke exceptionally early. He’s never going to be chilled out (he needs both his mind and body exercising like a dog), but he’s actually pretty easy going as far as toddler go. I’ve gone from having the baby from hell to the angelic toddler in my antenatal group.

Im not sure there is much advice I can give you as it is utter hell. You just got to keep putting one foot in front of the other and pat yourself on the back for surviving each day. Outsource any childcare you can and try and find some time for yourself each day, even if it’s just a nice prolonged shower. It’s one bloody long phase but you will come out the other side. Message me if you want to chat x

Hang in there, it will get better. Also the 4 month sleep regression was definitely a thing for us!

Go and speak to you Gp/health visitor about PND. I really think it’s much more likely when you have a high needs unhappy baby who has been unwell. It’s extremely stressful having a poorly baby. There is a questionnaire they can complete with you to cover all points.

It does get better. I used a dummy. The crying was just too much for me.

It's a bloody nightmare and you're having more than your fair share of awfulness. Forget baby sensory, unless it makes you feel better - at 4 months old it's pointless for them and just a load of hassle. I remember the other mothers looking so serene as well when I felt like hell on earth, mentally and physically.
It will get better.
A big turning point for us was when we spoke to a sleep consultant (no crying one) at about 6.5 who really helped get us into a good routine, helped with weaning, then night weaning, then night sleep got better and better as a result.

I meant 6.5 months!

You are not alone

Co- sleeping - next to me / snuzpod
Ask the gp if safe to tilt babies bed for the relic
Gripe water
Don't let baby lie down after feeding keep him upright
White noise, brown noise, pink noise - have a look on you tube
Mobile above bed
Before bed have babies pajamas, bed sheet and whatever you wrap him in on your bare skin on your stomach to get your scent in
Will he take a dummy?
Hairdryer as PP suggested or the hoover
Get a dimmer lamp and slowly dim the lights for about half hour before sleep time
Bath/whoever then use lavender Baby moisturiser and if you can give baby a massage
Take care of yourself - self care and see the Gp for PND
amazing that you take him to a baby group
Aslong as baby is fed and clean you are doing perfect!
Ask health visitor about introducing solid foods at around the 5 month mark if he has good head control and showing interest as a full belly can aid sleep
Bedtime routine the same every night and read a book
Stop being so damn hard on yourself it does start to get easier it truly does and the reward when your baby starts talking to you and crawling etc this will all be worth it

Some babies are harder than others, I had a baby with colic and she always struggled with sleep. It was hell and often I found mums with babies who were easier (although probably not as easy as it felt they were at the time!) did not understand. It will get better, you will find ways to make it more bearable. Take up any offer of help you receive to give yourself a break and try not to be hard on yourself when you find it hard. It is hard and most importantly it will get better. It feels like forever when you are in it but you will blink and it will be better than it is now, different challenges but honestly it will be easier than what it sounds like you are going through right now xxx

Also when holding a baby crying with colic- I put on headphones and listened to funny audiobooks or music and sang to keep myself from feeling so lost which seemed to help. It doesn't have to be baby appropriate music either- anything to make you feel in a better place. You've got this and it will get better xxxxx

Some babies are harder than others.

My first baby was really fucking hard. I looked around at every one else and wondered how they had their hair brushed, why they were smiling, how they managed to get to the cinema... I felt like I'd died and my world was so dark. Like I was constantly failing.

You're not alone. Lots of mums feel this way they just don't talk about it.

You will get through this. It will get better. The worst is behind you.

Just survive as best you can and one day you'll be happy and know what you're doing and you will feel like yourself again.

My second baby was a dream. I wonder what that first year of mat leave would have been like if I'd had the easier baby first.

First of all i just want to say thank you for everyone’s responses!! I wrote that this morning through tears and thought everyone would just think i was mental - because that’s how i feel! I hate feeling like i resent my little boy but most of the time i feel like i do, and i always feel like i was clearly not made to be a mum, which is awful.
I do use white noise for bedtime and naps which sometimes works sometimes doesn’t! - not tried the hairdryer but i’ll give it a go!!
I’ll also use podcasts too to get through the day.
I do also think having a baby in winter is shit haha - getting out with the pram in wind/rain and snow is just crap and i always wish i had a Summer baby lol.
Reading everyone’s replies has made me feel less alone, it’s right no one ever speaks about feeling this way and everyone around me seems to love motherhood and have such placid easy babies.
We have had lots thrown our way and each time i just seem to plough through it and right now i think i have just hit a wall and everything is on top of me and i possibly feel like i might be having a breakdown - or that’s how it feels!
I do have good support, my partner his fab, my mum and dad and sister, i just probably don’t use them as much as i could because i feel so guilty all the time, i know he’s hard work and i can’t stand the thought of other people feeling like ‘god i can’t wait for her to come pick him up’ so i just choose not to, even though they probably most defo would not even think that! Does anyone else ever feel / felt like that?
I feel it even with my partner (baby’s dad!!) and it’s his child too and i still feel like i shouldn’t leave him to deal with him even for a few hours even though i deal with it 24/7!

'i know he’s hard work and i can’t stand the thought of other people feeling like ‘god i can’t wait for her to come pick him up’ so i just choose not to, even though they probably most defo would not even think that! Does anyone else ever feel / felt like that?'

I do. Mine is 7 months old and I feel that when I leave him with a nanny.
You're not alone. I had a colicky refluxy baby and it was hell. It literally broke me. Colic is gone now but he's still very high needs. I'm too scared for mums catch ups - I've done it once and everyone's baby was chilled and mine was so hyper then v cranky and screeching. I was mortified and came home in tears.

It gets better once they can sit by themselves. Mine started sleeping all night. It's still such a hard slog and I'm exhausted all the time.
Does your mum live nearby?

You’re not alone. I feel the same and my baby is 7 months. She was colicky and refluxy, never napped in the day. I was not prepared for how tough it can be, and even though she’s better she’s still very hard work. She went through a good phase of sleeping through the night and being much happier and now she’s very high needs and miserable again due to having a cold and teething so it’s been really hard and I want to cry.
i think it goes up and down but you’re really not the only one. I look at mums with their chilled babies and wonder why mine isn’t but it’s just the luck of the draw it seems. Be kind to yourself, sending hugs.

@Lilyyy @melcalfe Thank you both! yes my mum does live near well about 20 mins away but i drive so it’s okay!
It’s hard isn’t it having a high needs baby and everything just seems so much more hard work!! Constantly feel like i’m failing because he’s crying and screaming and just not happy. We have taken him out for tea with us tonight and it took a lot, my anxiety has been very bad! He’s not been bad at all, but i am on edge!

@AmberM2022 that's exactly how I describe the constant feeling - on edge.
When I'm changing his nappy (is he going to cry again?), when I'm dressing him, when I put him in the car seat - everything seems to be a battle. Even when he's napping im on edge - is he going to wake up after 25 mins all grumpy?
Im usually a positive person but my baby whinges sooo much, it's made me an emotional anxious wreck.

I had such bad cabin fever the other day (we don't do much during the day as I'm too scared for leave the house now) I just got in the car with him and drove 30 mins to the shops. Thankfully he slept but the whole trip it was like waiting for a bomb to go off - so so draining.

'I look at mums with their chilled babies and wonder why mine isn’t but it’s just the luck of the draw it seems.'

@Lilyyy I am the same! I'm really trying hard not to think that. Imagine our babies new we 'wish they were different, like another baby'. That it was luck that these mums get these chilled babies, and we didn't. Imagine our husbands thought that of us? That they wish we were more like 'Laura from marketing'. I realise then it's really not nice, and try to have more compassion for my baby.
I also tell myself how are the mothers of ill children coping? There's no point thinking 'I wish my baby was different', now they have it really tough :(

My friend's baby has a severe case of club foot and she's always positive. I'm sure it's very hard.
But there are still a lot of days when I get frustrated....:( And wonder how life would be if he was a really chilled baby.

I knew being a mum would be hard work but I still imagined a lot of happy tears, emotional and amazing moments. In reality I get 5-10% happy moments, and the rest are just dreading and coping with crying/whinging.

I imagined dressing my baby in beautiful clothes, in reality I look at his pyjamas in the morning and dread getting him changed - here comes the crying. No beautifully selected clothes - just choosing whatever is the easiest/the quickest to put on.

It gets better trust me, everyday that passes by and you're both ok is a win!! And is a day closer to the point where it starts getting easier.

You need to be in survival mode and just keep going, you'll look back later and feel proud but also that it was all a bit of a blur. Sending you love.

I agree with others, your hard isn't normally that hard.

Best thing is you've got through the first 16 weeks. You've done that bit! Be pleased with coming this far, you've achieved that yourself.

Next bit is don't look at social media. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Forget housework completely, order in grocery shopping, do the bare minimum for a few weeks.

Try to co-sleep if you can. Google safe practise for this.

Brown noise also helps, play it all night.

Concentrate on good nutrients, sleeping as much as possible with him, he needs you close. Do you swaddle?

I remember month four being hard. Mostly down to sleep deprivation. It truly does get better.

You are doing so well, especially considering what you've both been through. If you are sleep deprived, everything seems so much harder.

Don't take the screaming personally.

He's not rejecting you or judging you.

He loves you with all his little heart.

@melcalfe i totally 100% get everything you have said!! that is absolutely me, my LB’s eczema is so bad we have to cream him every 2 hours or so and it’s AWFUL i hate hate hate getting him undressed he just roars and it’s just a battle i can’t deal with anymore.
Getting his nappy changed, having a bath - anything it’s just draining as i know what’s to come! So sending love, hugs with that!
Im also the same choosing the easiest clothes!! anything to limit the time we need to be laid on the changing mat!