I’m not enjoying this at all

[Vanillascent]

Motherhood, I mean.
I’m constantly exhausted. Tbh I think the lack of sleep is what’s led me to this point but I refuse to sleep train because I’m scared of the damage. Baby is 10 months old and it has not gotten easier. If anything, it’s worse. More responsibilities such as making 3 meals a day, for him to just throw on the floor anyway.
I try and go out each day but he often ends up crying so I have to carry him home before even getting to our proposed destination.
I feel trapped and numb at the same time. I love him and would lay my life down for him but none of this is what I expected it to be. And I feel so guilty for feeling this way because I know he didn’t choose to be born. :(

What ‘damage’ are you afraid of?

Also, what were your expectations which haven’t been met?

It is really hard sometimes. Did you enjoy the earlier bits at all?

it’s worth looking at some of your ideas around sleep training. Everyone will be SO much happier when they’ve slept.

What do you get up to in the day? Is there anything you enjoy?

@Ember90 stress and it affecting attachment.
I guess I expected for him to be sleeping better by now. He wakes every 30 minutes-2 hours. However recently it’s been closer to every 30 minutes. Means I get no down time or time to myself in the evenings which I feel is affecting my mental health. Also, no partner. We broke up when he was 5 months old so I’m alone with him every night.

Please please take my advice. When my son was 9 months old he woke up every 45 minutes. It went on for weeks on end. He’d never been a good sleeper. We sleep trained and he was sleeping all night by the third night. He was happier, I was happier and it has in no way whatsoever impacted on his attachment to us.

@Rainallnight Yeah I know what you mean. I wish so badly that the sleep could improve because then I’d feel like I could breathe a bit.
Day time we spend most of it indoors tbh. He goes to nursery 3 days a week but when it’s just me and him we chill at home or go to the park or shops. I want to start taking him to places such as the library and swimming pool but they’re both quite a far walk away and I feel anxious about taking him there in case he cries and i have to hold him whilst pushing the buggy (he weighs over 10kg)

I feel for you, really I do. I hated the first 12 months of DDs life, it was so hard. I'm not going to lie it's still hard now and DD is 2.5, but not as hard as it was. I used to get anxiety in the evening about what was to come, the sleepless nights. Now she does sleep, bit in my bed. I've learnt in the last few months to not give a shit. I care about DD and what's best for her, but if she sleeps better in my bed, then she sleeps in my bed, if I can't be arsed to cook, she gets Nuggets, if I can't deal with then tantrum she can have the extra packet of crisps. Obviously I try to limit screen time, feed her healthy food, try to get a routine, but if I don't so what, she's alive, fed and happy, and so am I, that's all that counts. Look at your darling child, smile and tell yourself you got through the day.

I can totally understand why you feel like this. Social media has created this world where parenting looks like sunshine and roses, until you have to do it yourself. I was the last of my friends to have a baby, and I even realised after I had mine that even my friends wouldn't really talk about the hard bits. I couldn't wait to go on mat leave and have a full year off (appreciate I was in a fortunate position to be able to do so) but I honestly dont know if I enjoyed it or not. Yes there were lovely moments, but the vast majority of it was a graft. My little boy was very demanding and not chilled out at all - from as young as 3 months old he was never happy and wanted constant stimulation, and would scream if he didnt have it. I had some friends on mat leave at the same time and their babies would like on the floor and be content, or nap in mums arms - and I would be so jealous. He threw all the food I made, while my friends babies just ate everything and anything. I remember friends saying what Netflix series they binged on mat leave, and when I was on mat leave I thought what the chuff?! When did they get a chance to binge anything, never mind series after series?! I made a decision to not just talk about the sunshine, and I'm very honest when friends ask how he is. I also barely post on social media now, because I don't want to share to the world when he's been a terror all day, but then at the same time I don't feel comfortable just sharing all the nice stuff, cos that makes it look like we have this perfect life and motherhood is easy breezy, which would be a false representation.

My little boy is turning 2 next month, and he is my everything. He is VERY bright and very active, and I get so much more back from him than I did before he was 1. I look back at photos of him when he turned 1 and can't believe how much he's grown and changed. He has so much personality, he's so loving but he keeps me on my toes. He's still demanding and challenging, but it's not a patch on the positives he brings to our lives and our home.

My point is - I totally get it. But remember that this phase is very temporary, and they are still so young - they have so much more personality to yet grow into - but I promise its just around the corner for you. My favourite age so far has been 18m-2.

Hang in there, you are doing a great job. The day to day is hard, but when you look back on it it'll be a mere moment. You got this 👊🏼

I could have written this when my dc was a baby, however dc is now in their 20s and it was worth every tear.

I feel for you OP.

Is he breastfed? I only ask because my DD was breastfed and woke every hour for 18 months until I night weaned her and now she wakes once or twice a night.

Are you making him separate meals or just giving him whatever you're having? I hated weaning and all the food waste then I started just giving DD whatever I had and it was much easier!

We used professional help to sleep train and our only regret was that we didn't do it earlier. The lack of sleep was just destroying me. We trained ds when he was 11 months old. We used Judy from Babywinkz and we can recommend her with no hesitation. It was money best spent (obviously if are able to).

I would like to say it gets easier and at some level it does but sometimes I feel the same as you and my DC are 2 and 4 now.

Thank you guys for sharing your experiences. It’s comforting to know it does get easier and although I know that rationally, when your in the thick of it it feels like it’s never ending and everyday is the same.

Oh my goodness.

Go online and look at the daily routine for a 10 month old. Get your baby up at the prescribed time and then when it says to put your baby in the cot for naps do so and let them cry for two minutes and then go in and settle, then leave. Baby will cry, leave for a bit longer then go back. Keep it up for 15-20 mins or so and you’ll find that baby will go to sleep 9 times out of ten.

Use a dummy as well if it helps.

Also, don’t worry if food goes everywhere. Main thing is baby is having milk and you’re trying solids.

if baby wakes in the night, settle, put dummy in, feed if needs be then back in the cot.

Dont avoid taking your baby out if baby cries. All babies cry even when they’re out.

You need to get this under control for both yourself and your baby. Babies thrive on routine and you definitely won’t be harming your baby by doing these things.

When he wakes in the night what are you doing and where? So are you co sleeping or slepping back and forth to another room? Also is he feeding in the night?

@MrNook Yes he is breastfed. I have started to night wean him actually in the past few days. Doing it gradually so atm I’m just not feeding him till past midnight then after that it’s a free for all cus I’m too tired to get up and rock him 😂
I can’t say it’s made a difference so far we’re on night 3 and he’s still woken 3 times since 7pm. But I am going to persevere for a week and see.
RE weaning, he does sometimes have what I’m having but tbh my diet is really unhealthy most the time so I end up making him his own meal. It does all feel a bit pointless when he just throws it all on the floor.

I think when you say sleep training, you're thinking of letting your baby cry and not meeting his needs . Unfortunately the term sleep training has a negative view buttheres honestly so many different methods. If you don't want to do cry it out, there's other methods. You and your baby will be so much happier if you're getting sleep.

Oh darling I’m not surprised you are finding things tough. Having a baby is hard, I can’t even imagine how hard it is doing it entirely on your own. Im speaking from experience here - please don’t go home just because your baby is crying. It felt like all DS did for his first year was cry. It took a friend dragging me to a group to realise that actually, nobody cares and nobody is judging you. And often DS would stop crying at the group anyway, so win win. Agree with a PP, night weaning can be done very gently and lead to vast improvements in sleep for us. Are you going back to work? I have to say that was a complete turning point for me. I really love it now DS is 3. I’m pregnant and I’m dreading having a baby to be honest - I’ve much preferred the toddler stage. All the best xx

It took DD 2 or 3 nights once fully weaned to start sleeping better but we got there!

I recommend batch cooking something like pizza pastry pinwheels, pesto pinwheels, vegetable fritter or savoury muffins

You can make loads at once and stick them in the freezer then defrost each day for lunch and it doesn't feel like so much food has been wasted as you've not put any effort in apart from defrosting it

Can you make a big batch of whatever he eats and freeze it in small portions op? Then you can just grab one and bung it in the microwave through the week.

Mine were breastfed and I would just bung them in my bed and feed lying down. Got barriers for the side of the bed to stop them rolling out.

It will get easier. Whatever your baby is doing it's just a phase. They will be onto the next thing soon.

I didn't sleep train. But I don't think it's particularly harmful to do it gently.

That sounds absolutely exhausting.

Are you breast-feeding at night? I have 3 children, 2 of whom began waking to feed as you describe at about 9-10 months. It was exhausting. I was also v worried about any crying it out methods.

I followed something I read about on here(can't remember the name) but was a gentle form of night weaning. Basically, after their last big feed I wouldn't feed them for a period of 6 hours(can't remember how long exactly how long). I still comforted them and hugged them, but wouldn't breastfeed.

I was absolutely shocked both times that, after crying for the first night, their sleep immediately improved and they really didn't cry again after the first day or two. I continued to breast feed as normal during the day.

Apologies if you're not breast feeding, it just sounded so similar to how I remember that stage with my children.
It is exhausting having a baby under 1 who doesn't sleep well, and must be doubly so when you don't have a partner to share the bedtimes etc. It does get better though, and don't underestimate the effect the lack of sleep will be having on your general mood.

Dr. Jay Gordon might be helpful

Doing it gradually so atm I’m just not feeding him till past midnight then after that it’s a free for all cus I’m too tired to get up and rock him

Okay, I wouldn’t do night weaning like this. I wouldn’t replace breastfeeding for something even more unsustainable (eg rocking - he’s not going to be little for very long). I’d personally soothe him in his sleep space when he wakes (be it his cot or your bed) with shushing, patting, cuddles etc. The idea is to get him to independently link sleep cycles without external help. It’ll make your nights worse for a couple of weeks, but I would definitely try and avoid replacing breastfeeding with rocking. Your DS will likely cry - I suppose it’s where you draw the line in crying with adult soothing vs crying alone. For me, I was happy with DS crying with myself/DH there to soothe but not actually put him to sleep, but only you know where your tolerance line is.

I followed something I read about on here(can't remember the name) but was a gentle form of night weaning. Basically, after their last big feed I wouldn't feed them for a period of 6 hours(can't remember how long exactly how long). I still comforted them and hugged them, but wouldn't breastfeed

Sounds like the Jay Gordon method. It’s what we did and we also had similar, staggering results at about 11 months old.

Night wean and completely wean at 12 months. Breastfed babies are terrible sleepers and it sounds like the benefits outweighs the negatives on your well-being at the moment (which is also his well-being! Happy mum happy baby). Buy some pouches and use those for some meals to cut yourself some slack - they’re absolutely fine and nutritious. Find a local baby group where one of the ladies running it is happy to entertain him for 20 minutes so you can have a coffee in peace - there was a lovely lady at one of mine who pretty much took DD for the whole session! They often love cuddling babies so not a hardship!

Basically make life easy for yourself! 💐

10 months is the trenches.

It's really hard, but gets easier

Hi OP, really feel for you!

White/brown noise is your friend. I paid a lot of money with my first to a sleep consultant and this was the biggest thing we took from it - as little one moves from deep to light sleep every 45 mins they are seeking reassurance all is well to stay sleeping. The noise playing continually in the room all night (NOT fading out after 10 mins, stupid Ewan the sheep) helps with this a lot.

Another thing: (I may get flamed for this but) would you consider trying him with a bottle or 2 of formula during the night? Our HV recommended it for getting more hours of sleep at night and in my experience it works - my 2 year old has always been combi fed, so still gets plenty of boob, just chugs back a big bottle of formula to fill his tummy up at bedtime and again at 2am...

I prep the bottles with cooled boiled water, measure out the formula (Hipp organic brand which doesn't need to be sterilised) in one of these: www.amazon.co.uk/MAM-Milk-Powder-Dispenser-Blue/dp/B00PDT9NLU
then can just tip the powder into the room-temp water at 2am and shake, bottle ready in 5 seconds! It's so easy and helped us a lot.

Also co-sleeping, which PPs mentioned, IMHO is much kinder to the little one than sleep-training. My little one loves the comfort of me sleeping beside him and is far less fussy than the few nights we've attempted him in his own bed.

Batch-cooking is easy if you have a freezer - I used to do chunky veggie mash, fill basically a big ice cube tray with 8 more 'meals' of it and feed him one while freezing the rest. Do the same with all your meals and then most of the week you just have to de-frost or re-heat from frozen, instead of properly cook. WAAAAAY easier, and makes it less miserable when it goes in the bin/on the floor.

Also - massive hugs to you, it's really hard being a first time mum and you're doing it in while processing a huge break-up, as a solo parent - you deserve every credit and to feel really proud of how much you've achieved. Hats off to you! It's not easy but every stage passes - quickly, in hindsight! Wish you all the best.