DP told crying 4 year old: “You won’t have any more treats ever if you don’t stop now”

[Charlatan109]

We’d been to see a panto. It was fairly fun, quite long but with an interval. 4yo had eaten ice cream, small pack of wine gums, lolly and had been on stage with about 80 other kids from the audience at the end. After we left she wanted something from the theatre gift shop (I said no, the shop is closed-it was), then a comic from the newsagents we walked past (again I said no, come on, let’s go to the car). She started crying, stomping her foot. I leant down and tried to reason and say she’d seen a show and that was really good so a comic as well is too much.
DP (her dad) steps in and just picks her up and starts walking and said to her “You’ll have no more treats ever if you don’t stop now”.
I think this is a really pointless and horrible thing to say to her. Because it’s just so negative, totally unenforceable and isn’t clear what she needs to stop doing. She cried for another 10 mins or so walking to the car and in her seat.
Although DP did move the situation along, I think how he acted was unreasonable.
Do you agree or not?
Is there anything I could/should say to DP to address this? He hates confrontation and tends to dismiss/minimise emotions rather than confront issues or discuss things to resolve them.
Do you think this is a reasonable thing to say to a child?

Yes it's a pointless thing to say that you can clearly never follow through. I'd he does this regularly I would discuss it with him as a one off I would leave it completely. I have done this before I know I have and I am a decent person and a good parent.

I think picking her up and moving the situation along was better than you trying to reason with her. She's 4, over tired and cannot reason in those conditions.

Threatening no treats ever again was a bit silly - I probably would have been at the end of my tether too though so 🤷‍♀️

not wonderful, but a hell of a lot more constructive than your approach, in my opinion OP. I wouldn't criticise you if I knew you irl, but in here you have asked for opinions, and I think you were pussyfooting around pointlessly and ineffectually, and your DH actually did the parenting. He could have chosen his words slightly better

It’s not ideal and of course he can’t follow through, but let it go - it’s fine because we all have the exact same parenting moments where these things come out. You can’t be perfect the whole time - he’s human and I think you’re overanalysing. She’s not going to be damaged in any way or remember it.

You were both wrong, but that's the life of being a parent. You can't be perfect all the time.
Trying to reason with an overstimulated, overtired 4 year old in public when you need to continue to move is impossible and not getting you anywhere.
Husband saying no treats ever is an exaggeration but if I was knackered after a long day, with a tired whingy child and my husband was trying to reason with a 4 year old and getting no where I would be frustrated to.
See it as a learning point... no one is perfect and think back to the nice day you all had before this!

No one is a perfect parent 100 percent of the time. That's impossible. Being a parent can be very frustrating and exhausting and most people say less than ideal things when they're losing patience. To bring it up with him would not be wise. He probably knows it was silly. Support and empathise with each other instead.

And frankly there is no reasoning with a four year old in that state! No point trying to explain to her - her brain just wouldn’t have been able to understand it. So frankly your parenting wouldn’t have been much better in that situation.

It's unenforceable, like saying 'you're not allowed to watch tv/go out to play ever again. However the kid has had way to much sugar/indulgence in one afternoon. Needs to hear 'NO' a bit more often by the sound of it and not just kick off.

There's no reasoning with a 4 year old like that. She wouldn't have understood and it would have escalated it.

Maybe you just need to say no more often?

pick your battles . I think you are nitpicking here. The main issue was that you have a small child too many treats and too much sugar.

OP says he was unreasonable and she is going to address this with him but he hates being confronted. That is an authoritative way of having a discussion. To decide you are going to confront your spouse to address their unreasonableness about a specific sentence they said. There are many ways to go about conversations but that to use words like confront, address, unreasonable, horrible related to this situation, that is authoritative.

I am glad I am speak without being called out and confronted by my husband who needs to address how horrible and unreasonable I was because I didn't word something perfectly. We don't spend every day confrotnting each other and picking apart every sentence and every single thing the other one does. Personally I would hate that. Sure we talk about parenting but not through a I will confront you about your unreasonable behaviour tonight tone.

Noone's winning Parent of the Year every day. And if someone is, on balance, a good parent, they don't deserve a performance review at the end of a long day.

Another one who thinks this is fine, I'd have been cross with her and said something similar.

Yes it's a silly thing to say and not enforceable but trying to reason with a hyped 4 year old is also silly and pointless.

Not sure why you think you need to say something to him? Reasoning with her would be completely ineffective in the circumstances, just as ineffective as an exaggerated threat. She was acting spoilt and silly due to being tired and sugared up, saying no to things is sensible All 4 year old will have moments like this, I think they do know it is wrong, yet haven't quite learnt to be able manage their emotions all the time.

Well we can’t always get it right as parents can we? And in the grand scheme of things, it’s not the worst thing to have said and she’ll have forgotten about it soon enough. I think trying to reason with her was more pointless to be honest, at least he knew there was no saving the situation when they are that tired and over sugared. Just gently but clearly saying no and carrying her to the car would have been better but hey ho, he was tired and we all say things we don’t mean sometimes.

What m he probably meant to say was next time we will say no to so many sugary treats and you being overtired, and this situation won’t arise. Because the issue was with everything that led to the meltdown point, not his exact words. As others have said, your DD was past the reasoning point.

You had a hyped up, overtired small child who quite frankly would have wailed for ten minutes regardless of what was said to bring her to the car. She was exhausted and had had too much sugar.

There is a bigger point about only making threats you want to follow through on, but I think part of your DH’s reaction was to the fact that there had been too many treats.

This. No wonder teenagers and young adults can't deal with anything anymore.

Yabu. There's no point reasoning with an overtired, tantrumming 4yo. Your dh picked her up and moved her along. It's fine.

I actually think his approach was better parenting. You weren't going to get anywhere trying to reason or negotiate with a grumpy 4 year old. You were weak.

He put an end to the tantrum and established a boundary by physically removing her and giving her a consequence. He shouldn't have made an empty threat of never again treats, but other than that he did well. He was firm, but he wasn't cruel. Kids need limits and discipline.

I agree with most of what you say but I dont think its right to say OP was weak

She had already said no, twice and moved her on.

But as you say stopping to then try to reason, no thats not effective

OP what is helpful is to say, 'I can hear you, you're upset that you cant have the comic book and it doesnt feel nice but we're going now' and then chivvy her along.

There is no point expecting her to reflect on the treats or the show or the day she has already had, that is useless, but its helpful for her to hear that you understand she isnt feeling good because you're not going to give her what she wants. She will continue to wail, like she did, she'll cry for a while but just reassure her you can hear how upset she is and it cant feel very nice but she'll feel better soon. But dont stop walking or pussy foot around

I have 2 4yos and tbh, if you are going to nitpick over his (slightly silly) threat, you also need to take an honest look at the other factors.

That is way way too much sugar for a 4yo in the evening. Like, way too much. An ice cream, sure. Or sweets. But not both and def not as well as the other stuff.

She was always going to melt down after that.

A small child in that situation feels fraught and emotional. They don't need a rational argument, they need comfort.

I would pick one of mine up in that situation and walk them quickly back to the car, telling them I loved them and they'd had lovely treats tonight, but that was enough for today, now it's time for bed. Mine tend to do about a minute's token defiance and then calm down with that type of approach.

Don't give it any more head space.

We've all used threats we know we have zero intention of following through on. I know I have.

We can't get it right 100% of the time.

Sounds like something I’d say in the moment when I’m knackered and frustrated. Not ideal because it’s not something that really can followed through but it’s not the end of the world.

Maybe he was stressed out because he has to do all the parenting? Trying to reason repeatedly with a child high on sugar and overtired is a bit silly. Do you make a habit of pandering to her? Perhaps your partner and took control on the situation because hey someone had too. Hardly a crime of the century to say what he did.