Just how shit is my parenting, I can’t do it well

[shitpareb]

I have a three month old. I obviously feed, clean, chat to them but I hold them a limited amount compared to other mums… I will leave them to sleep or play on the mat (supervised) if not crying. I read to them every day or so for five mins. Same with tummy time.

I am an unexpectedly lone parent. I wanted to be a brilliant mother but after the nappy is changed, they’re fed and the cot is re made and a wash is on, bath done, I’ve got little left to give. I NEVER wanted to be like this but as I am doing it all I grab what time I have when they’re quiet to do my own thing. Sometimes I have skipped their bath even if I’ve had a tiring day. Similarly, there’s inevitable times they’re left to cry longer than they would be if someone else was with me in the house, for instance if they wake up when I’m in the shower or if I’m literally having to put a wash on as it dint finish in time otherwise.

I feel so guilty. I love them but constantly feel I would be a better mum if not alone and I hate that. I worry I don’t spend time interacting enough as I’m just so exhausted and probably selfish too as I just want to have an hour to myself as soon as they’re quiet. Will this affect them? Should I be doing more?

I read something on here once that resonated with me. “All fed, none dead”. That should be the benchmark, if you reach that, you are doing fine.

If you are responding to your baby when they cry (not instantly, but as soon as you can) then you are meeting their needs. Some babies need to be held more than others, you are doing exactly what you should be doing.

The first 3/4 months are relentless and you are doing it alone, be kind to yourself.

No matter how well you are doing (and you sound like you are doing amazing!) I think we always feel that we could be doing 'more'. I think it's just a natural consequence of loving our children deeply, that we always want to give them more even than we (or anyone else) is capable of. I think it helps to know what you want to prioritise and what you can let slide to achieve it. And honestly please don't feel that you would be doing 'better' if you were not single - having a partner doesn't always mean you will have more time/capacity for your children. You have amazing opportunities right now that you are already taking to care for them, show them love, and it sounds like you're doing a really great job!

They're three months old. You're doing absolutely everything you need to.

You sound like you're doing fine, just keep on keeping on

Plenty of children grow up in this situation because parents have other things to do like wash themselves, parent other children. It all sounds very normal to me.

You are doing fine. If you don't have that hour to yourself when they are quiet then things really will go wrong.

You sound like you're doing fine. You know decades ago women left their babies in the garden in the pram while they got on with housework!? I'm not suggesting this by the way! but interacting with your baby every single moment they're awake is a more modern phenomenon I think

They don’t need a bath every day so don’t put pressure on yourself at that age. As long as your are looking after your babies needs, and you do interact with them, you don’t have to interact with them all the time. You need space for yourself as well. Take the time when they sleep or when they are engaged with something to relax.

OP, there's really not much one can do with tiny babies beyond keeping them clean and fed.

'I hold them a limited amount compared to other mums'

They spend a lot of time asleep usually, also how do you know how much other mums hold their babies? There's not some 'good mum' amount of time to be holding your baby, as long as you are responsive when they need you.

'I will leave them to sleep or play on the mat (supervised) if not crying'

Sounds fine to me. Remember, everything is new to a tiny baby! Staring at a dangly thing above you on a playmat is totally mindblowing.

'after the nappy is changed, they’re fed and the cot is re made and a wash is on, bath done, I’ve got little left to give'

Also totally normal - babies this little are tiring and also limited in their interactions, they don't need constant stimulation, and, as I said above, just looking around and seeing stuff is stimulating them. They don't need to be being read Homer's Illiad in Cantonese, they just need your attention when they need you, which you are giving enough of. The whol idea of constant interface a stimulation with babies is really quite a recent invention - it wasn't a thing when I was a baby and I grew up with a very close and loving relationship with my mum (who had 2 older kids under 6 when I was born, so must have been pretty damn busy and not with me constantly) .

Similarly, there’s inevitable times they’re left to cry longer than they would be if someone else was with me in the house, for instance if they wake up when I’m in the shower

Babies will not be traumatised or damaged by you taking a little longer sometimes, they will know you are reliable enough and that is all you need to be. Please, please, please have the shower. It is important to take care of yourself. Life has to go on, stuff has to come out of the washing machine and so on - you are doing fine.

They're fine, They are WAY better off having a mum who takes some time for herself when she needs it than a neurotic mother who creates a slavish routine for herself unneccesarily and runs herself into the ground.

For decades, women left their DC in prams to get fresh air while they go ton with jobs. It's a very recent trend that women should be entertaining babies from womb to uni 24/7. You could argue it's a way of keeping women in their place.

You are doing absolutely brilliantly. Clean, fed, some cuddles, some chat, tummy time. Perfect. Babies don't need all their stimulus from their mother. If you feel bad, put on some music or shifting coloured lights or hang a mobile over the cot.

If I didn’t know the self doubt first hand I would say this is a humble brag. I really don’t know what more you should be doing to be honest. I let my daughter play on her own quite a lot throughout the day, while I sit nearby and read for example. She’s very content and get some sanity.

Sounds absolutely fine to me! Your doing amazing.
First few months are hard in many ways.

Do you manage to get out daily? Even for a walk.
Making sure I got out the house in the first few months really helped me and broke the day up.

You will find once she's older, it becomes more fun in regards to playing with toys etc.

Sounds fine to me. You don't have to play all of the time to amuse them. My DD is happy watching me do chores, she's also 3 months old. I just move her bouncy chair into whatever room I'm in and she gets a running commentary of what I'm up to.
Sometimes I stick her on her baby gym and have 5 minutes to mess about on my phone while she's entertained by a dangling plastic monkey.
We go to baby group once a week.
It just needs to be simple at this age.

Which part of your parenting is shit? Sounds good to me.

I think a lot of parents might hold their young babies more because they scream and cry if they are put down, not because they are superior parents in some way! I think a lot of us-me included- would do as you if their baby was happy to be put down. Sounds like good parenting to me!

They don't need a bath every day

I held my baby a lot, not because I always wanted to but for months and months it was the only way he'd sleep, I held him or had him in a sling because it made my life easier, not because I'm in any way a better parent than someone who has a baby content to sleep somewhere other than on a human.
You didn't plan for it to be this way, it's happened, you're doing a good job.

OP - you sound like you doing totally fine! Most mother's hold their babies loads because their babies are clingy and they didn't have much choice! Most 2nd babies don't get held nearly as much too, and don't get their needs seen to quite as quickly.

@IsleofDen sorry to say this because I totally agree with your sentiment, but that phrase "all fed, no one dead" is really a kick in the gut for those of us who don't have "no one dead".

There is nothing wrong with leaving baby to cry for a while it won't hurt them. If you had a few other children they have to be left so don't worry. Look after yourself aswell as your baby you are doing great

You're doing well! You have a lovely contented baby and are keeping everything running smoothly by yourself. I had 3 under 5 and became a lone parent, my 3rd was essentially chucked in her bouncy chair and jiggled with my foot whilst I dealt with the others most of the time. She survived without constant 1-1 attention and is a relatively normal kid (well as normal as 4 year olds can be).

Sounds like you have a very easy going, content baby. I held mine a lot but not through choice, he just cried a lot. Enjoy it - you’re doing fine!

I think you’re being too hard on yourself. I did those things despite not being a single parent. You need a break and to shower and to put the baby down…I don’t know anyone who is permanently attached to their baby and it’s good for baby to be on the floor / play mat.

Sounds like you're doing great to me. I'm sorry the circumstances aren't how you'd hoped and I'm not surprised you're feeling exhausted and want time to yourself. But it sounds like you're doing everything right and baby will be just fine x x

Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job to me. Babies don't need to be held all the time. Just be thankful you have a contented baby and not a screamer.

You've got all the essentials covered so give yourself a break.

I'm a lone parent and would also finish a shower or any other short task before going to DD if she cried and I have also definitely sometimes been a bit lazy at times and could have done 'more'.

I think it doesn't help that we're given the impression that babies are 100% time consuming so we should never have a moment to ourselves. I have to be honest that I found the baby stage much more chilled out than subsequent stages so my instruction to you is to enjoy it and let go of your guilt. We've got to play the long-term game which means leaving something in the energy bank.