Sometimes I regret my child.

[LolaFerrari]

Got a fairly young child. Single parent. Ex does shifts and picks and chooses childcare. Currently he can't give me many weekends. I work full time and do 80 PC of care. Its such hard work. I just don't enjoy it and sometimes I wouldn't have had a child if I'd known it was going to be like this. I feel soguilty but I won't be having anymore kids because I feel this way.

Thank you.

I know how you feel it's mind numbing.
Not much help , but it does get easier.
I agree , take him to court for scheduled visits.

🌷

Well done.

Getting a clear schedule for visitation will completely change your life landscape.

Bear in mind that if he declines mediation you can still go ahead with the meeting with the mediator. If you do that and ex declines, it will show a judge he is trying to be difficult and you were trying to avoid court.

I didn’t enjoy parenting when my kids were younger, it was exhausting and boring and expensive and I did wonder if I’d made a huge mistake, loved them to bits but hadn’t been prepared for how much harder they’d make life.

They’re teens now and they’re the absolute best, good company, loving, just gorgeous. Best thing I ever did.

Your child will give you moments of joy, drink them in and enjoy them. All stages pass, the next might be better, children are a phase in life, sometimes it’s brilliant, sometimes it’s awful.

I know he's not going to be 5 forever. I love him but I feel annoyed at the situation sometimes.

All I can say is hang on in there.

Raising kids nearly killed me. I hated it. Used to shut myself in the bathroom and cry. (Also was in the single parent situation with not a penny of cm.)

It's no consolation, but it doesn't go on for ever and my kids are fantastic grown ups. All women, and NONE of them are having kids!!! (Smart move.)

I really enjoy some bits. Its just when I have so much time to fill

Yeah, I’m a widowed single mother of a 5 year old, it’s tough, and it’s boring.

When does yours go to bed? A decent bedtime makes a big difference.

There’s a reality that meeting their physical , social and emotional needs
leaves you completely depleted…. Sometimes it feels like if you meet your own needs it’s at the cost of being a bad mother. For me there’s a tug of war between screen time and exhausting myself with activities and play (plus household management.)

I do love my child but sometimes it’s all just too much.

@LolaFerrari I am single mother to a two year old and can relate to your post! I also post a lot here, because it's where I find lots of support (and the odd knob haha).

I don't see your comment as being directed towards your little boy at all. I think you're pissed off with the arsehole who treated you like shit and left you literally holding the baby!

My ex was an absolute arsehole to me during my pregnancy and afterwards (financially, emotionally and in the end physically abusive). He became an Alcoholic and it was awful.

No we 'coparent' this means he has her whenever is convenient to him. If it's not convenient he doesn't have her, if he's ill or can't cope with her he just brings her back. Yet at the same time he texts me everyday saying he wants me more contact! He doesn't want more contact, he wants more control over me and to see his daughter whenever he pleases. Before I FaceTimed him every night, would let him in my house and it became exhausting. I'm now trying to take control and not let him dictate or scare me with threats of 'I'm going to go for 50/50'! This kind of behaviour is probably what is making you depressed and exhausted. Not your little boy! Can you see a councillor to talk through the stuff you've been through. The mental toll is real going through what you've been through!

Also, noway am I saying parenting isn't hard and we all long for our old life back at times in our parenting journey xxxx

@Daftmum47 sorry you're widowed. That must be hard with grief and having a young child.

goes to bed about 7 to half past. He wakes about 6am.

@Daftmum47 t totally at that stage where my
Child's needs come before my own! Done no exercise for two years and just had two packets of mini cheddars for dinner haha

Is it actually your child you regret or your partner and situation?

That won't make a difference since the courts can't force him to take his child. All they can do is say the OP has to make the child available for collection at certain times and days, which will restrict her making other plans because she'll never know if he's going to turn up.

Thanks @LolaFerrari 7 - 7.30
is a great bedtime! We’re usually at least an hour later - they won’t fall asleep without me - and bedtime kills me!

My partner died in 2019 so I’m a lot stronger now. Covid was hard though.

Bon courage to you, don’t feel bad for what you are feeling x

This.
You are not alone OP

@RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead what you've said isn't true
I work in family separation and time after time telling my clients that if someone refuses mediation it doesn't make a negative with the judge at all. It's a misconception
If you think about it you cannot meditate with a domestic abuser - if there has been any DV then the advice is not to mediate - you are exempt so there is no way a judge would ever look as it as bad. Sorry but that's incorrect advice and don't want op thinking that.
Mediation is 50/50 it sometimes works but it's worth noting is isn't legal document like a court order
Courts like to see you have attempted it but they don't rule around it
I've supported clients of years of court dates, up to final hearings and judges will still expect you to communicate and mediate unfortunately so it's best to try and communicate somehow or do a parenting course ( this is always instructed via cafcass anyway in the first hearing )
Even if there has been DV
Just be careful it's an absolute mindfield and not always the best option but sometimes it's the only way
If you are getting him to have contact regularly and you think a court order will change that
Then go for it but the only thing that may change is how often you get his shifts so if you think that's worth it you have to way it all up

@CatJumperTwat actually they will write up a court order based on his shifts so for example whenever he gets his shifts he will have to make himself available for x amount of days

X

@CatJumperTwat true.
Just wondered if she could somehow make him give more notice of his shifts.

@LolaFerrari
We are sold a lie. I know how long your days are now, but trust me the years really do fly. Try and relax with your son, take the pressure of yourself and him. Let him lead. Don’t worry about what other people are or aren’t doing/thinking, create your own world with him.
Just bumble around.
It will all be okay.

It sounds like you are a great mum.

I am not a single mum (and have three children) but my husband came home after bedtime the entire time they were younger, I know how hard it can be 💐.

Is your son into sports at all? This was a life saver for me. My boy was (and still is at 13) extremely energetic and cannot sit still for long. I started him on football sessions early (about 2- 3, soft ball/even balloons inside at that age) and it made such a difference. It was and is easier when he had a good run around.

He now has fixtures / training several hours a week and they train them really hard (when very little, the park is equally good training, later nothing compares).

it also had the side benefit that he plays football every single break in school as he is one of the “football boys”, no getting into trouble and lots of extra exercise.

I know that some parents of boys do swimming or tennis instead but that is a bit too pricey for us (and not a team sport). Mainly I want him to get loads of exercise, had lots of friends in the team and have fun.

@ThatshallotBaby what great advice! I will be using this too x

@strawberrysummer19 Hiya, I am sure you have more knowledge on this given your area of work. However - without revealing too much - I was speaking from a place of personal experience. In my situation the refusal to engage in mediation, despite multiple attempts, was detailed as a reason for the subsequent court order by the judge. Because there had been a clear intention from our side to avoid court and multiple attempts to mediate it was obvious the other party was simply trying to control and frustrate.

And yes, of course, any mediator will be clear that documented DV makes mediation impossible and no one will expect it.

OP I have such awe and respect for all single parents. No wonder you feel this way, you have an awful lot to shoulder. I saw something online a while back which was “love my kids, loathe parenting”. And it massively resonated with me. The monotony and mental load of parenting is too much sometimes - for all parents and carers, but especially those doing all the heavy lifting.
Not wanting to add to your massive to do
list, and I’m no doctor(!), but it might be worth getting your iron levels checked with your GP. A friend felt similar to you and it turned out she was iron deficient - not the root cause of course, but she felt so much better and energised, after taking iron tablets x

Nice words, nicely said

Yeah get a full blood count. Def worth checking and be mindful that what comes back as normal could be the low side of normal ( like me ) so if range is 1-20 and say you are 2 that can mean you need supplements.
Uk range for normal really varies
Coming from my experience that was severely anemic after my daughters birth so was interesting when someone told me if the range was on the low side it would benefit from a supplement
Not saying it is this but anemia can make you feel like shyte x

Thanks. I do believe motherhood is completely missold and we need to be more honest about this to women.