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Original poster

Feel like a terrible mum and don’t know what to do

27 replies

Turkishfelight · 17/01/2023 10:22

I’m on my own and think I cracked last night. DD woke less than every hour. She’s 9 weeks. It got to 6am and I let her cry. For twenty minutes, maybe longer. I feel terrible. I am tired and hungry and alone. I have no help around. My mum has offered to pay for a day childcare a week (she can’t physically help me herself) but I can’t face leaving DD so young. I feel totally stuck and a shit mum and don’t know what to do

OP posts:

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milkymeg · 17/01/2023 10:26

When you feel like you're going to crack it's much better to put baby in a safe place and leave them cry while you take a breather. Don't beat yourself up on that.

9 weeks is so young and becoming a parent is a massive adjustment to your life. Do you have mum friends/ go to groups etc? Some company might help you feel less alone.

Keep your mum's offer in mind. I don't think there's anything wrong with a day a week in childcare. My DD was in FT nursery from 12 weeks as I had to go back to work (single parent) but I think some company and routine would help you feel a lot better x

Reugny · 17/01/2023 10:26

Take your mum up on her offer.

You won't be the best mum you can be if you are so exhausted you put yourself and baby in danger.

CallTheMobWife · 17/01/2023 10:26

It's completely fine to leave her to cry when you are not able in that moment to deal with it. No harm done.

The cost of a days childcare could probably equally pay for a mothers help type babysitter for the same or even more time. Get someone to come in for a few hours a couple of times a week to help you, and let you rest but you'd still be on site.

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SnarkyBag · 17/01/2023 10:26

Take the offer of childcare it’s only one day a week. I was a SAHM and using nursery one day a week when I had PND was a life saver. I wasn’t on my own and ds was a pretty good sleeper too! Don’t feel bad do what you need to give yourself a break.

Reugny · 17/01/2023 10:27

Oh and you aren't a shit mum.

PeppermintChoc · 17/01/2023 10:27

You did the right thing OP. You could get a nanny for two mornings a week or childminder? Rather than one full day? You would benefit from the time to rest and your baby will benefit having a refreshed and happy mummy.

ofwarren · 17/01/2023 10:28

Bless you, you have done nothing wrong. It's so so hard when you are exhausted.
Maybe you could take your mum up on her offer, even just for a few weeks to get some sleep so you feel better? They use sleep deprivation as torture for a reason.

Mariposista · 17/01/2023 11:08

You are not a shit mum. You are trying to do a task that most people would find difficult shared with a partner on your own! Your baby will not spontaneously combust if she cries for a few minutes (whatever righteous MNers might tell you). Consider you mum's offer. A bit if distance and breathing space may help you recharge your batteries and have more energy to be a happy mum to her. And it will help you both with that transition when you go back to work and she will have to be looked after by others.

ChillysWaterBottle · 17/01/2023 11:18

You're not a shit mum and your baby will be fine OP, I promise. It will also get easier. I would take what help I could and get some well deserved rest x x x

Margo34 · 17/01/2023 11:24

Could baby have been cold last night? That might be why they woke so often, or it might not be. Parenting a new baby is exhausting, well done for acknowledging it and reaching out for help. Neither of those things make you any less of a great mum! It sounds like you did the right thing this morning by taking a little time for yourself while baby was safe.

Can you try to nap when baby naps if possible? Co-sleeping can work for some families. And don't forget to eat. Snack all day long if you need to, toast, fruit, breakfast oat bars. Have you got a sling/baby carrier? You could shove baby in the carrier while you prep yourself something quick to eat.

Take you mum up on her offer, I like a pp's suggestion of a nanny for a couple of mornings! Maybe a nanny could come to you and do childcare at home while you rest so you're not far away if that's something you worry about. Do whatever you need to!

JustAMinutePeople · 17/01/2023 14:27

Take your mum’s offer and hire a postnatal doula one day a week. You won’t have to leave the baby with her: she’ll come and help around the house and cuddle your baby while you nap.

TJ17 · 17/01/2023 14:55

Hey we’ve all been there! You’re not shit at all. Much better to leave baby in a safe place whilst they cry than to get frustrated. It is the hardest thing in the world.

These days will pass. Sending hugs 💐

JL642 · 17/01/2023 15:04

As someone else suggested can you use your mum’s money for someone to come in the house and help with the baby for half a day? When my baby was small sometimes all I needed was a “baby holder” while I had a two hour nap. Well done for doing this on your own. Xx

ScatteredMama82 · 17/01/2023 15:09

You are doing great, 9 weeks is still tiny and demanding. Please don't feel like a bad mum, I've had to walk away from my crying baby more than once to catch my breath! You should definitely take up your Mum's offer and it's great that she is able to help like that. I think the other suggestions about looking for a doula or mothers help are a great idea, so you can be at home with baby and also get some respite at the same time.

When my DS1 was about 9 weeks he went through a really colicky phase and it was awful. It did pass though.

MarvellousMonsters · 17/01/2023 15:18

Take your mum up on the offer of help, but ask her to pay for a cleaner or postpartum doula instead of a day of childcare. 9 weeks is very young to be leaving a baby (especially impractical if you're breastfeeding too)

These early weeks are really intense, you say your baby woke hourly last night, can you elaborate? Where does she sleep? Was she waking to feed or just waking and needing to be held/rocked? Could she have had tummy ache/trapped wind?

danidoodles · 17/01/2023 15:21

Bless your heart, your definitely not a terrible mum, your human just like the rest of us.
Leaving her to cry for a few minutes certainly would do her any harm, it just gives you a moment to compose yourself.
I'm a mum of five and have done the newborn stage alone, i know how very hard it is.
I'm ofcourse unaware of your financial situation as to affording a Doula but it might be worth talking to your midwife about HomeStart, most areas now have local centres and they offer free support to anyone with a child under two where a lovely volunteer will come and give you a hand and most importantly support for you, a listening ear can make the world of difference xx

quietnightmare · 17/01/2023 15:23

If you are not crumbling alone with a 9 week old then you are doing something wrong.

Take your mum up on the offer, two half days sound a good idea like PP said

riotlady · 17/01/2023 15:50

20 mins of crying won’t have done your baby any harm, you absolutely did the right thing and it’s exactly what my midwife told me to do- far better to leave them crying in a safe place while you collect yourself if you feel like you’re at the end of your rope.

Having a new baby is so hard and on your own is even harder! Absolutely take your mum up on her offer, you’ll feel miles more able to cope after you’ve had a rest.

vickylou78 · 17/01/2023 15:53

Ok don't panic. Just ignore the housework. Can you order in some food? Or a shopping delivery online or ask a friend to do a quick shop for you? Get some microwave meals and stuff to make sandwiches just to get you through.
Then have you got a friend that could come over to take your baby out in pram or cuddle baby whilst you have a little power nap?
If you don't have friends nearby. I would just take to the sofa with the baby and just chill out on sofa with baby all day. Don't worry about the house. It can all wait. Good luck!

VeronicaFranklin · 17/01/2023 16:23

Honestly you're in the thick of it and with no support, you are not a shit mum, motherhood is really hard, rewarding but so hard. 9 weeks old typically cry a lot, you are absolutely fine to walk away for a little while to gather yourself as long as she is in a safe place i.e car seat/ Moses etc.

I would take your mum up on the offer then at least no matter how hard it gets you know you will get some restbite.

Is baby feeding okay? Reason I ask is my little one had terrible colic from birth until 12 weeks ish and would cry for hours on end, it was really challenging but the dr did prescribe something to help.

NewmummyJ · 17/01/2023 16:26

You are not a shit Mum, far from it. Take up your Mum's offer, get an ad hoc nanny and do shared care if you don't want to leave baby. Once you build up trust with them and the baby knows them then you'll be able to take a break.

LighthouseCat · 17/01/2023 16:29

You are most definitely not a shit mum. I wouldn't go back to those first few weeks for anything (and I had support!) xx

Doone21 · 17/01/2023 16:39

You know in my grannies day they used to park pram outside in garden and leave it for hours. Now you know why. Its normal. It's shit. It passes. Do whatever to get thru it. You might find nurseries have waiting list or min age so look at all available options.

lindeeeuk · 17/01/2023 19:49

Having a small baby is really tough especially when your on your own. It sounds like your doing a great job! Please don’t beat yourself up over it, we’ve all cracked and everyone needs a break from time to time. Home start are a great organisation that can offer you some support www.home-start.org.uk and www.cry-sis.org.uk/ do a fab helpline if your ever struggling while baby cry’s. Big hugs!

Spring23 · 17/01/2023 20:54

9 weeks is a real low point - my first dc went to nursery from 3 months two days a week as I just needed a predictable break. Second dc I got a part time nanny in and in neither situation was i on my own. Take your mum's offer - things will get better

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