Is it terrible my partners nephew annoys me so much

[GirlMamaxo]

Before I start this, I just want to state I know this is a child.

My partners 2 year old nephew really really annoys me, slightly angers me. So we've recently moved to be closer to family. My little girl, who is 8 months old has been has to my friends babies around her, or just adults around her. All gentle playing and just nice surroundings. Now we've moved closer she sees her cousins a lot more which she isn't use to. They are all older, apart from one who is 9 days older than my little girl. There is a 3 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old is a boy. Now I'll get into the why he annoys me.

First occasion my little girl was in her jumper and I was watching her, he went over and ragged my little girls hands from what she was holding onto. I said be gentle and I just kept watching, he did it again so I removed my little girl to hold her away.

Second occasion, she was playing with her toy. He comes right in her face and again rags her hands off the toy. Again have to remove my little girl away.

Third occasion, Christmas Day. I was changing her and he came over to her so I kept close eye. I then put her on the floor so I could bag up the nappy, he was so close to pushing her over before he was stopped by his parents who told me "just don't trust him around her" he then comes over a few moments later when she's on my partners lap, cuddles her, then looks me dead in the eye and pinched the back of her neck. To which she screams.

Fourth occasion, I went to the retail park with my sister in law (his mum) and she offered to drive. So my daughter is in the car seat by the window, he is in his car seat in the middle and the baby same age as my little girl is next to the other window. Firstly soon as I strap her in his shoving his hand in her mouth, which I said "don't do that she has teeth she'll bite you" so we start driving and I can see him corner of my eye trying to touch her. I look round to try and speak to him to distract him. We get onto the motorway my sister in law chatting away. I then hear my little girl scream (which she never screams, happiest little soul) so I turn, he's again ragging her arms and shaking her car seat. Only so much I can lean from the front seat to the back to comfort her, she's screaming still. Still on the motorway and my sister in law is telling him stop. I get her out and her face is bright red from screaming, I comfort her before putting her in the pram. Once I've put her in her pram her eye is just streaming with water, so take a closer look and he's poked her in the eye good and proper. Hence the scream. Her eye was bloodshot. I was furious in all honesty.

When I say how I feel about this I get the "oh he's only 2" which I get completely. But it's like he guns for my little girl soon as he sees her. He's in her face, grabbing her arms, squeezing her hands. And it's got to the point now where he just comes near her and she'll cry and it breaks my heart because all she wants to do is sit and play nicely but I have to keep removing her before he seriously hurts her.

I really don't know if I'm being dramatic and I feel awful feeling this way towards a 2 year old child, but he really really infuriates me

Have a break from him until he's older. At 2 he's still learning boundaries and he's getting attention by hurting your DD. I doubt he actually realises he's hurting her but he knows that if he makes her cry, the focus is on him. Keep your DD away until that cycle is broken.

@HarrietSchulenberg this is exactly what I've said to my partner, I feel awful feeling now I do because he's 2 and he doesn't know how forceful he's being. And I've also said let's just not have her around him if she doesn't need to be. But as we've just moved closer and they are all quite tight knit family, I don't want to be that sister in law that's up her own arse. But also don't want my little girl just not wanting to play because she's not sure if he'll be nice to her or torment her

Just double checking - is the baby a few days older than DD the Nephew's sister? If so how does he behave towards his sister? People will say he doesn't know what he's doing to your DD at 2 but having some experience of difficult relationships between siblings from a very young age I'm not convinced personally. I would be very careful around him, the fact the parents said not to trust him around DD says to me they have similar issues. Protect DD even if it comes off as being precious. Don't give Nephew the opportunity to do anything he doesn't understand which hurts DD - there is more than just physical issues at stake.

@TheTeenageYears so my sister in law has 3 kids. Oldest who is a 3 year old girl, then the boy in question who is 2, then another little boy who is the baby 9 days older than my little girl. There is 10 and a half months between the 3 year old and 2 year old.

My biggest fear is him really hurting her which results in an a&e trip. Only takes a push and a hit on the head. Or his twisting her hand a little to forceful. That's my worse fear.

My nephew was the same way with my own children when they were tiny. Keep him away from your child as much as you possibly can.

I wouldn't let him near my child.

People will say he's a baby he is learning boundaries. No he's not because his mother isn't teaching him. You have to protect her. He is a brat and she's a lazy mother. Keep your baby safe. I was in a very similar situation trying to keep it nice for in laws sake. But I'm telling you when I finally said no more and if you can't patent him you can't be in my home, it was so satisfying.

@GirlMamaxo In that case I would say there are sibling dynamics going on in that household which you don't want DD to be part of. Issues that shape lives can and do start from a very very young age. Keep your distance, watch and listen carefully when you are around partners Nephew or SIL. Your DD could be on the receiving end of any negativity 2 year old is feeling about their own younger sibling. 3 DC vs 1 means you are likely to look like PFB situation in the in laws eye's so best to avoid the possibility of situations arising.

I agree with Harriet.

If his parents have told you not to trust him around your baby, they know she’s at risk. Don’t worry about people thinking you’re precious, just keep him away from her before he really injures her, or makes her really scared. Her safety is more important than what they think.
I had a similar situation with one of my DCs and a relative’s toddler. We came VERY close to a serious accident and it was only the quick reactions of an adult that prevented it. I’m talking permanent disability kind of serious. The parents didn’t seem to believe that their child did what they were caught doing.
It’s just not worth the risk.

He sounds like a very jealous toddler;I do wonder if he's the same towards his baby sibling?

What stands out here is the lack of re in forcing that this behaviour is wrong by his parents;his parents don't tell him to stop do they?;there's no "stop,no touching the baby" or anything like that is there?

you are not supervising her properly around him - why would you let any two year old be in a position where they can hurt your baby? He is two! He is just a baby himself. Keep her away from him. I dont know why you would fasten two babies into tow car seats so close to each other that one can hurt the other!

what does "ragging" mean?

What does ragging mean? Agree with PP that you haven’t been present enough when they’ve been together which has allowed your DD to be hurt on a number of different occasions. Keep her away from him

He's not a brat ffs he's two. A two year old is still a baby! You need to supervise them constantly. You'll probably find your daughter does very similar things when she's 2, they are constantly testing boundaries and being little assholes in all honesty.

Its strange that when he’s sat in between two babies of the same age in the car, he only wants to poke and prod your dd?

I can only conclude his behaviour is to gain a reaction. He feels jealous and wants attention.
What was your relationship like with him before having your own baby?

Difficult in the car but start employing strategies to deal with a jealous toddler/ baby situation.

• Give him more attention when you see him

-engage with him, read or play together -supervise and praise good behaviour. -give him a role when caring for your baby, eg can you help with finding the nappy cream? Can you show dd this book? Praise how helpful and kind he is.

In the car, try to engage him in spotting things out the window, giving him books or playing some child friendly interactive songs for him.

I imagine he used to receive a lot more attention from the adults in his family before both of you sisters had babies.

He feels side lined and as little more than a baby himself can’t communicate that.

He looked me dead in the eye and pinched her this is not demonstrating a nasty streak, it’s a clear indication he wants your attention.
You are rewarding his behaviour by giving it lots of attention and probably ignoring him otherwise.

In conclusion, jealous behaviour is a phase and can be negated with making the toddler feel important and loved, praising good behaviour and showering them with a lot more positive attention.

One practical solution is to take two cars if going on a trip with your sister (assuming you drive?)

You then avoid having two babies and a toddler all next to each on the back seat.

Where does the 3 year old sit? Presumably you’d need two cars if she was joining you anyway?

• your sister in law, sorry

None of my 3 dc did anything like that when they were 2. They just didn't. They didn't intentionally hurt people. Didn't occur to them

Well that’s great but some two year olds do and that doesn’t mean they’ll grow up to be psychopaths or mean they have awful parents.

Ive worked in pre schools and as a primary teacher and Ive yet to meet a 2 year old who won’t snatch toys, or kick up a fuss if they want attention. Some resort to pinching or hitting. They’re inherently selfish and have not developed empathy.

This 2 year old has gone from being the baby of the family to feeling a bit pushed out by a baby brother and cousin in a short space of time.

Toddlers will seek any attention from adults, if they can’t get positive attention they will settle for a negative reaction from adults because they desire interaction.

I don’t think avoiding family meet ups is the way forward, I don’t think reacting with anger and annoyance is helpful.

As his aunt you can assume the role of teaching the little fella how to behave around his niece. It takes a village to raise a child and all that! You can be proactive here.
Positive reinforcement and attention, star charts, rewards go a long way.

Babies need to supervised constantly around other toddlers, just as you would if you took them to soft play, a park or if they were in a nursery.

Tackling this now by putting the work in will benefit the dc’s relationship and your relationship with your SIL in my view.

Two year olds are not vindictive. They aren't emotionally developed enough for that yet. They just want attention. They also cannot be left alone for any time unless in a safe space like a cot.

If the other parents won't parent you'll have to do it for them - keep your daughter away from him unless you're within reach, if he does something you don't like say 'No' clearly and calmly and move her away, and distract him with something else. A big reaction will make him do it again for more attention.

Completely agree @Mutabiliss

I really dislike how this toddler is being almost demonised on here, there is emphasis on him being a boy amongst girls too, like it’s a negative characteristic.

Read up on strategies to handle jealous siblings and negative behaviour in toddlers. The great thing at that age is that they can be easily shaped and manipulated to behave with some effort.

You can break the cycle of him seeking a reaction this way.

Your dd will also be a 2 year old soon who might snatch toys from babies and push over another child. No one has this parenting lark nailed down perfectly

Your job is to protect your DD, so make sure that you keep her away from him.

Other posters are talking about teaching the nephew how to behave - that's first and foremost his parents' job, rather than yours as an in-law. The parents might even see it as you interfering.

So best that you concentrate on your DD and keep her away from him so she won't be hurt.

I don’t see anything wrong with teaching a 2 year old nephew how to behave around your baby?

All it requires is some attention and effort on op’s part. I’m not talking about “disciplining” the toddler- I suggested ways to interact with him to achieve positive results. And not side lining him and only reacting if he’s “naughty”.

Surely op wants to have a good relationship with her nephew and nieces which requires some input.

It could work out really well if they can all get along as they grow up- probably attending the same schools, going on trips and holidays together, sharing childcare etc. Presumably you’ve moved closer to form a family network?

I agree that baby always needs to be supervised around toddlers. That’s not really negotiable.

So you put toddler, who has been rough with your daughter on more than one occasion, in between 2 babies? While you were driving on a motorway? How did you think that was going to go? Be thankful that's all he did while sandwiched between two babies, unsupervised. He's 2, 2 year old do stupid stuff, he could have put something in their mouths god forbid and it would have been the adults fault. Just keep an eye out when you are together, firmly tell him no, teach him about kind hands and whatnot. Dont put him in the back of a car unsupervised with 2 babies again.

@mybeautifuloak parenting award for you 🏅