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Parenting

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Original poster

What to do in this situation.

31 replies

Twobirdsonegiantstone · 15/01/2023 10:13

So I split up with DP as he was quite abusive and coercive in many ways.

My issue here now is he's quit his job so he doesn't have to pay any child support, but also refuses to have the children more than one evening every Wednesday - and that's only from 4:00-7:30pm.

He's got a cash in hand job scaffolding that he works 'full time' for during the week.

So, I work within the NHS and currently paying around £2700 a month for childcare with no help. The only help I received was from MIL who did the wrap around care for free and looked after them weekends (3 DC). Now DP has told her she absolutely isn't to look after the kids as it's helping me and I don't deserve it.

I have been offered a job 250 miles away in my home town; where my parents can help with childcare and significantly lower my outgoings making it more affordable to live. But I'm aware the children have a right to see their dad and live close by - even if he chooses not too see them. He's saying he'll take me to court if I attempt to move, but I'm at a loss what to do. I can't afford to stay in this city with no help, for him to see his kids every now and again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Twobirdsonegiantstone · 15/01/2023 10:13

Looked after them the occasional weekend*

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Whataretheodds · 15/01/2023 10:15

Let him take you to court (if he's refusing to see them or support them now I bet he won't).

You could report him to HMRC

Whataretheodds · 15/01/2023 10:16

Oh - and I would absolutely move closer to parents

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Gardenclems · 15/01/2023 10:16

I’d move. How old are the DC?

Yellowcakestand · 15/01/2023 10:18

Go. Your life will be better overall by your own support network and less outgoings.

Original poster

Twobirdsonegiantstone · 15/01/2023 10:18

They're very young. 3, 2 and 1.

He was lovely with DC 1 and 2. When I fell pregnant with DC3 he became an awful person. We found out at 16 weeks and he's resented me ever since - before anyone asks why I had 3 DC's with him.

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Original poster

Twobirdsonegiantstone · 15/01/2023 10:19

He said he would put a prohibited steps in to stop me moving, but I can't afford to Stay here unless I give up my job.

He tries to make my life as difficult as possible at every opportunity

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Woeman · 15/01/2023 10:22

Just go! Start fresh. Let him try whatever he wants. Even if he gets what he wants you'll be no worse off.

MsDemeanors · 15/01/2023 10:32

How will he pay to take you to court? How will he explain that he can afford to do that but not pay towards the maintenance of his children? The way he is behaving underlines that you made the right decision ---- to leave. I would take the job and move to where you are able to create the warm and loving home they need, free of his damaging influence, and with support for childcare from your family. You should feel no guilt in doing this because it's his actions (refusing to pay maintenance, banning his mother from looking after the kids) which have led to this situation. He needs to take responsibility for his relationship with his children and to make himself worthy of having one. By buffering them from the worst of his behaviour now, they are more likely to grow strong enough to form a connection with him at a later date without being damaged in the process. Good luck. Escaping a dysfunctional dynamic is not easy but you are doing the right thing for your children as well as you.

RandomMess · 15/01/2023 10:34

Are you staying within England?

He can apply for a prohibitive steps order but is unlikely to succeed because you have no family support where you are and can't afford to work and house them.

Report him to the HMRC for working cash in hand.

RandomMess · 15/01/2023 10:35

TBH I would make arrangements to move on the quiet, go visit your parents for a holiday and not come back.

Original poster

Twobirdsonegiantstone · 15/01/2023 10:39

RandomMess · 15/01/2023 10:34

Are you staying within England?

He can apply for a prohibitive steps order but is unlikely to succeed because you have no family support where you are and can't afford to work and house them.

Report him to the HMRC for working cash in hand.

Yes in England. But I have lived in his home town for 5 years now. All three children born here. I never needed family support before as he was here and his family helped with childcare, but this has all gone now

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Original poster

Twobirdsonegiantstone · 15/01/2023 10:40

@RandomMess originally that was the plan, but when I asked about giving notice to the nursery they replied to both our emails about how to do this, when it needs doing etc :(

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Original poster

Twobirdsonegiantstone · 15/01/2023 10:41

@MsDemeanors I think he is assuming he can get some court costs paid for as he's technically of extremely low income.

This wasn't the case previously, he was an offshore crane operator but didn't want me to get my 'hands on his hard earned cash'

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RudsyFarmer · 15/01/2023 10:42

Fuck that. Move and let him force you through the courts if need be. What a prick.

LittleBearPad · 15/01/2023 10:43

Definitely move. He’s choosing to be an arse. He won’t get better.

RandomMess · 15/01/2023 10:43

Ok that's good because moving your DC from Scotland to England can be problematic if the other parent doesn't agree. Within England you are fine.

I'd do it as once you've gone it would be harder for him to get the courts to force you back.

You could offer him one week a month until the eldest is at school and you will meet half way (or nearer him) for both journeys. Doesn't sound like he'll try and get them full time does it or if he did it would be his Mum doing it which you could fight.

Hermanfromguesswho · 15/01/2023 10:44

Send him an email for a paper trail saying what you’ve said here. That you desperately don’t want to have to move the children further away from him but as it stands where he refuses to pay maintenance and refuses to have the children more than 2 hours a week and has now taken away your only option for childcare from his mum you don’t see any other choice.
Then if he does decide to go to court (highly unlikely) there will be evidence that it’s through his own actions that you have to move.
then move. And have a wonderful life without him 🥰

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/01/2023 10:46

Move- a shit parent can threaten the courts but if they can’t be bothered to see them for more than 3hrs aweek I doubt they will bother to go the legal route and have assigned days

RandomMess · 15/01/2023 10:46

We'll just make out you aren't going and take the hit of paying an extra month or so of nursery fees by giving notice after you've left. Also don't email the nursery give them a handwritten letter and a new separate email address for you that is to be kept confidential from all other parties.

Forward your post from your current address and don't give nursery new address for all they know you are just moving nurseries.

You could even mention to your ex that you are looking for a childminder as they are cheaper.

Original poster

Twobirdsonegiantstone · 15/01/2023 10:50

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/01/2023 10:46

Move- a shit parent can threaten the courts but if they can’t be bothered to see them for more than 3hrs aweek I doubt they will bother to go the legal route and have assigned days

He would just to control me. He would get the order so I can't move, have set days etc and then purposely not stick to his days and have them only when he wants. But use the court order to try tell me exactly what I can do, when.

Hes told me he'd do this. He told me when we were together if we split up he'd leave his job so I have nothing and I didn't believe him, and I here I am :(

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Original poster

Twobirdsonegiantstone · 15/01/2023 10:51

@RandomMess thank you, that is helpful advice

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RandomMess · 15/01/2023 10:51

The fact that your DC no longer see his Mum at his instigation means that he can't use that family bond to prevent you from moving.

I agree putting it in writing that after you've left saying that now he is working cash in hand as a roofer and refuses to pay child support, has blocked his Mum from helping with childcare that you have had no choice to move in order to have secure housing and afford to keep the children suitably fed and warm due to the cost of living.

Will be interesting to provide that letter as evidence should be actually bother to take it to court.

Sounds like it's about control and nothing else.

RandomMess · 15/01/2023 10:54

Hmmm with your update I'd speak to Women's Aid this is coercive control and I would ask about getting a refuge place near your parents so you can literally just pack up and go with zero notice.

Again that looks amazing to the courts that you had to flee via a refuge.

The you need to find a shit hot lawyer who gets good outcomes with those fleeing coercive control in case he takes it to court. You would need a water tight court order.

SuperFly123 · 15/01/2023 11:00

RudsyFarmer · 15/01/2023 10:42

Fuck that. Move and let him force you through the courts if need be. What a prick.

This. He sounds like a raging arsehole who clearly doesn’t give a shit about his children. Get out of there as fast as your legs will carry you.

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