I need help. I'm losing the will to live

[Mentallydrainedmum]

I'll try and keep this short. My 5 year old daughter will not sleep in her own bed. I start bedtime at 7pm and we're still up at 1am because she is getting out of bed constantly, saying she wants to sleep in my bed.
Im exhausted, I'm shouting at her a lot which I hate. I really want to jump in my car and just drive far away.
I cant go to the toilet without her, if im going to the shops she has to come with me, I cannot let her sleep in my bed every night, I'm human I need some time on my own.
I don't know why I'm posting, I suppose I just need to talk to someone.

You got this you can do it ! You got to be tough but kind keep putting her back in her own room in her bed tuck her back in be calm and reassure her I know it’s hard when your doing for the millionth time and feel like screaming but it will work and she will give up eventually may take a week or two ! This is sooo hard when you’re tired yourself so be kind to yourself toddlers are brutal at times ! Xx

Do you have a partner?

Are you a SAHM? Does she do any clubs/after-school activities?

I've no advice but I feel your pain.

I'm the worst mother tonight. I've just lost my shit and shouted!

He will not sleep ever! I've not had a full night sleep in nearly 11 years and I hate the mother I feel inside. I'm rarely shouting on the outside, I do and say all the right things, but my tolerance is really fading fast. I also can't do anything alone, pee, teeth, bath, nothing.

It's so hard, I'm sorry I've no advice but I understand your frustration.

@Mentallydrainedmum and @WhereIsMyGlasses are you aware of blue light and electronic devices/televisions? Are they off any screens for at LEAST a good hour before bedtime? If not, read up on it. The blue light from electronics messes with the brain's melatonin and ability to sleep.

Yes, mine has very limited screen time, this week none, not even tv. It's something I'm aware of and do avoid stimulation of any kind in the lead up to bed. Unfortunately, sometimes you can do all the right things and it still doesn't work, not even close.

I wonder if the more she senses/knows you don't want her in your bed the more insecure and anxious she feels?

Could you manage a half way step and her mattress is on the floor of your bedroom? Or she sleeps in your bed alone from 7pm until you come back up for bed?

I'd be feeling loopy too

Oh I feel your pain. My DD5 was the same.
We resorted to tough tactics eventually, for our own sanity.
Talked her through what was going to happen i.e. she was to stay in her own bed until the morning. Reward chart with a BIg Present at the end of one month, smaller present at the end of each week.
Then put a lock on the inside of our door.
The first two nights she fell asleep on the landing outside our door, having kicked and screamed at it for what felt like hours.
It was unbearable - I was crying on the other side of the door.
After 2 nights she stayed in her own bed. Lots of praise in the morning, stickers on the chart etc etc.
Definitely painful for all of us, but worth it. After a couple of weeks we had broken the cycle and left our door open, and she'd only come in for morning cuddles, if she was unwell in the night etc. etc.
In the long term, I think the quality of her sleep improved as well.
This might feel too drastic for you OP. But I was desperate!! Good luck finding a solution which works for you.

Can't you lie next to her in her bed till she falls asleep? Is the issue that she just wants to be in your bed?
My daughter is almost 5, I do it that way.. She often wakes and gets in bed with me at about 2am.but it doesn't disturb me

If it was that bad and I was so tired I’d just let her sleep with you in bed? Maybe try that for a couple more weeks so there’s no more shouting and she feels more secure and then try to figure out what’s going on and why she’s doing this.

Get the Ferber sleep training book.

To get some sleep I would let them sleep with me in my bed

This is why my 7yo daughter sleeps in my bed!

sleep is more important to me than if a child sleeps in their own room, I tried everything bar padlocking her bedroom door and all it resulted in was tears and tiredness.

My eldest was the same but has been in her own room now and sleeps alone for 3 years (she's 10 now).

Sorry not much help but you're definitely not alone

Slightly random suggestion and sorry if it’s unhelpful, but when I was a child and struggling to sleep in my own room my mum got me two goldfish that lived in my room. Maybe a small pet like a fish or a hamster, assuming you don’t want to get a dog or cat, would be company and someone that she has to keep company?

@Mentallydrainedmum push her bedtime back, have calm time routine,bath, book cozy cuddles. Do you lie with her to settle her down?

My daughter refused to sleep in her room at that age and had been a bad sleeper for a while, i don't have advice, sorry, but shes an adult now and we talked about this a lot when she became a teenager and she told me how frightened she was in her own room alone and that she just wanted to be with me. The more I tried to make her go back to bed the more she couldn't understand why and the more clingy she felt. I wish I had just let her co sleep and skip the trauma but at the time I thought it was the right thing to do, its definitely a regret of mine
Good luck and remember it will pass

Could you try and find out why she wants to sleep with you? Is she scared, worried about something, uncomfortable in some way, lonely? Once you’ve narrowed that down, you might find it easier to work towards her sleeping in her own bed.

Hi everyone and thankyou for all the helpful suggestions
To answer a few questions, I do have partner but he works away mon-fri, I also work fulltime. To be honest I wouldn't mind her sleeping in my bed during the week when my partner is away if she would sleep in her own bed at the weekend but she doesn't and its not very fair on her dad that he's working away all week and can't sleep in his own bed when he's home.
I wouldnt be doing this if I didn't need too! Also she has her own bedroom and my 2 sons share, not very fair on them having to share when her bedroom essentially isn't be used.
Tonight wasn't too bad, she only got out of bed twice before falling asleep but I'm not holding my breath!

Oh and also I cant let her fall asleep in my bed then move her too her own because as soon as I go to move her her eyes ping open and all hell breaks loose!

Absolutely get some sort of mattress on your floor as an option for her.

It sounds like she is getting very little time with you or your partner in the day, so is desperate for more connection...if children don't get that during the day they struggle to settle at night.Also due to the fact you say she is also clingy in other ways during the day, I wonder if she is feeling anxious and picking up on your stress?
I think if you want 'space' at night you need to work on pulling her closer in the day, prioritising doing activities with her, having fun together, lots of physical affection etc...generally just her loving, positive attention, then maybe she might not need the connection so much at night.
Also I would chat with her to try and work out if anything inpartocular is making her feel anxious, worried or unhappy (there are some good 'feelings' activities online you could print off and do with her)

Oh my god please dont made assumtions! I take her to dancing and also horse riding she gets alllll of my attention and my 3 teenagers barely get any so please do not tell me to pull her closer.

My sister had this with her daughter. Similar to previous poster, they put a lock on her door and within a couple of nights it was over. Two weeks later the lock came off and it was never an issue again.

Apologies if what I said felt like a criticism, it wasn't intended that way.
It's great you do those things...do you spend much 1 on 1 time together too though....snuggling up watching a film, reading books, baking or doing crafts? You may well do that sort of thing lots, the only reason I suggest it as because I know that whenever I don't do those sort of 'close contact giving my full attention' sort of things with my 5yo she ramps it up in the demandingness stakes and resists bedtimes badly.
I guessed with you both working alot it must be tricky to find the time to maybe do those things but apologise if that was presumptious of me.

Jesus Christ you can't lock kids in their bedroom, apart from what a horrendous thing that is to do to a child emotionally it's a huge fire risk.

Give her more of you time 1 on 1 OP, not horse riding or other activities that you just drive her to but things you're actually doing with her, playing board games, reading story to her, listening to her read, going for a walk together, cooking together, playing something imaginative together. Make her feel safe and secure by avoiding shouting or getting angry with her, talk to her about what she's worried about/afraid of and reassure her. Have a really good bedtime routine that is calming and without any screens. Consider sleeping in her room with her for a bit on a mattress on the floor.

I was this child at the same age. I had this book that had a picture in it that really frightened me and would get out of bed over and over again because I was terrified of it and that my mum was going to leave (for some reason). I still clearly remember my mum holding the bedroom door shut to try to keep me in and the complete terror I felt. I grew out of it but what I needed at the time was love, reassurance and understanding.

They put a lock on their own bedroom door , not the child’s ….