I need help. I'm losing the will to live

[Mentallydrainedmum]

I'll try and keep this short. My 5 year old daughter will not sleep in her own bed. I start bedtime at 7pm and we're still up at 1am because she is getting out of bed constantly, saying she wants to sleep in my bed.
Im exhausted, I'm shouting at her a lot which I hate. I really want to jump in my car and just drive far away.
I cant go to the toilet without her, if im going to the shops she has to come with me, I cannot let her sleep in my bed every night, I'm human I need some time on my own.
I don't know why I'm posting, I suppose I just need to talk to someone.

Sorry …that was earlier post that said they put a lock on their own door… I would never lock a child in their room, never.

One of us sits with ds (6) in his room until he falls asleep; I actually really like it - we have a chat about his and my day, talk about any concerns he has. Read a book and then have a cuddle until he’s asleep

Jesus Christ, yes you can! You unlock when the child is asleep.

i would allow audiobooks or some other similar treat to help her go to sleep in own bed? Make sure the audiobooks are on low volume, no screen brightness, preferably with a drowsy making voice (relaxing deep male voice always does it here!).

I also like the method of "i'll be back to check on you in 5 mins..." (check in 5 mins), then keep stretching it out to 10 mins / 20 mins but always come in when you say. when they realise you are checking on them as you say you will they relax a bit. As time goes on over a number of days you can stretch this out as they get super used to it.

there's also the audiobook of the little elephant who wanted to go to sleep

other ideas - get a pull out bed in her room and sleep next to her on the floor or something until she's more used to sleeping in her room. Then you can transition away from being in with her.

I was you 7 years ago. I battled. And battled. I was a Gina Ford parent with my first child 😑
I was sure I was going to crack it.
my child eventually started sleeping in their bed. At 10 years old!!!
so I’m short - do what you need to do to function and sleep. Lisa of sleep over a long period of time affects your health and well being. I don’t think I’ll actually ever fully recover from all those years of lost sleep.
best thing we did and wish I kept on doing: but a small child size bed that can fit next to yours. Let them sleep there. with is she used to fall asleep in her bed (after a batttle) then in the night got in to a routine if just shuffling into her little bed next to us.
wish I’d done that throughout!
Now teenager who won’t come out of their room

I swear by super nanny, she has some great options for getting them to stay in their beds without you having to stay in their room or anythihg more drastic. I used loads of her techniques when my boy was little, some of them are so simple like letting your child know what you expect of them behaviour wise when you go somewhere new etc

My son was the same, wouldn't sleep in his own bed. He's now 9 and I can't even remember the last time he slept in mine. It lessened after he started school at 5.5 but was still regular enough.

I would just let her, I know that's probably not the "right" answer. It's not like it's going to be forever.

Otherwise, an airbed or similar on the floor in your bedroom might work until she's ready to sleep alone.

could you get a pull out bed in your room for when your partner is around? you could always transfer her to it when she's asleep or something. Maybe she's not quite ready to go into her own room yet.

Before I had DS I couldn’t understand what the problem with having a child sleep in your bed was. Why didn’t people just co sleep?

Then I had DS. Who can’t apparently sleep next to me, he can only sleep on me. And kicks me, all night, pulls my hair, has me in an uncomfortable, hot, suffocating position I can’t move from, can’t get up to have a wee/drink without waking him. And he still woke constantly.

After eighteen months I was really suffering. We got a sleep consultant, DS now sleeps so well (he is 2.)

I completely understand OP and I think firm but kind tactics are needed. I don’t personally want to be arsing around with mattresses on floors and what not - when we have good beds - I have occasionally stayed on DS floor with a duvet when he’s ill or has had a bad dream but that’s a one off not a style for life!

Could you do something to remind her how great her own room is? Maybe a new bed, repaint in favourite colour, new storage to show off her toys?

My son had a phase like this. I let him sleep with me. It lasted about 6 months.

The problem with any sleep issue is that you are usually too tired to deal with them.

I would get some energy back by letting her sleep in with you and then make a plan. Maybe a new duvet cover and special bed time toy. A star chart with rewards, some magic sleeping bubble bath and spray etc.

I would sit with her for a while, say you need to pop out then keep popping in and out with lots of praise for staying in her own bed.

I'm currently sitting in my 6 year olds room after taking her back to bed. She still wants to sleep with me and I currently have tonsillitis so I told her she needs to sleep in her own room so I can sleep well and recover. I am usually terrible at giving into her but can't take the fidgeting anymore! Keep persevering is all I can say.

A velcro sleeper is the pits! DD is 11 and still sleeps with me if she is unwell, spent the weekend with her dad (my ex), is feeling overwhelmed, it's stormy... so at least 1 night a week! I don't mind it so much much now as it isn't every night and I know there's a 'reason' for it but when she was little and wanted every night it was SO tough.
I put her to bed in her room and spent hours every night putting her back for about a month before she finally caved in. At first I said to sleep all night in her bed and we'd have a movie night in my bedroom. Then two nights, etc.
I do think it's a reassurance thing on their part, but OMG, the exhaustion. All my sympathies, OP!

I lay with dd in her bed until she is asleep or 5mins then say I'm going to the toilet.

Leave her in your bed but you go and sleep in hers?

Okay, I'm not putting locks on any doors or mattresses on any floors. Her bedroom has just been decorated (she got to pick the wallpaper) and she also has a brand new bed. She went from a toddler bed to a big girls single bed and slept great in it for the first wee while then just decided she no longer liked her room! We do baking regularly, we read books together everyday, she loves reading, we also go for a long walk every night after tea, just me her and the dog. Honestly she really isn't lacking love and attention. She decides when she wants to sleep in her own room and when she doesn't this phase is going on for longer than it usually does. Christmas eve she went to bed no bother at all and slept all night because she knew she was getting something out of it (santa bringing her presents) this isnt a love or affection thing. Its her wanting to be in control

This is great advice, thankyou!

Two methods we used here,

Bedtime passes
If you think the not sleeping is a psychological thing then you could try something called bedtime tokens / bedtime passes. Start with a family meeting, draw up some sleep rules, get your child to suggest and draw them to give them some ownership.

Agree a reward. We used playmobil, I bought a camping set and split it all up, put the names of all the bits on individual slips of paper in a pot.

Make loads of tokens together. I mean loads. If the child gets up at bedtime or calls you in the night then that's absolutely fine and allowed, but costs 1 token. Put them in a pot by their bed. If there are tokens left in the morning, the child gets a reward. My daughters was whichever bit of the playmobil set was written on the slip of paper she drew out. Like a tombola. One day it would be a person or horse, the next day a fork or spoon! High stakes...

For the first few nights the child needs to succeed. So you need more tokens than they will use. My Daughter used more than 30 the first night. When they're in the swing of it, start to gradually reduce the number of tokens. It took us a few weeks to get down to 6. My daughter started to fail a few times and had to try. We got stuck at this level a while. Eventually we got down to 3 and at some point the system was gradually forgotten.

You can look this up, I believe it's called bedtime passes and there's a few articles out there.

This is a second option, and I can't for the life of me remember what it's called. My daughter would wake at 1:30am like a clock and not go back to sleep, sometimes at all. There is a technique used on insomniac adults where you work out how long you can sleep in a block without waking (xhrs), work out what time you need to get up, and don't go to bed until xhrs before then. Then gradually bring bedtime earlier. My daughter would sleep 6hrs then wake. Morning at 6am. So if she'd have been an adult she would have stayed up till midnight for a week or more, aiming to sleep 12-6, then started creeping bedtime forward. We didn't do midnight but did 10pm bedtime. Then snuck it forward. We found that if we put her to bed before 8pm she'd start waking in the night again.

We also did meditations and visualisations, and she has been prescribed melatonin on occasion.

Hope one of these might sound worth trying.

Also agree with @ghjklo , those are tried and trusted techniques here. Dd likes the lullabies on Alexa, a red night light, and what she now calls ten minute check. I used to potter around putting washing away etc.

@Mentallydrainedmum, yes, sleep deprivation is the worst! There's a reason that that particular hell is the main undoing of SAS recruits!
I hope the advice you've been given works. In my experience shouting makes children cling ever more tightly to their parents because they don't understand and are terrified of abandonment. My mother solved this clinging problem with my younger sisters when they were toddlers by almost smothering them with affection. She'd cuddle them until they wanted to pull away and cuddle them more. They were relieved eventually to have their own space, knew they were loved but found all this excessive attention irritating! Worked a treat!

Hmmm well if it's a control thing it's likely to be a hard hearted slog.

The night time tokens sounds very interesting.

I guess to me putting some bedding down on your bedroom floor is a message of "I'm not that bothered where you sleep but it isn't in my bed" which takes the control away?