Am I being selfish for my parenting decisions?

[jlou92]

I'm a mother of a four month old baby, he's my first baby & I think the world of him. I have family members asking to babysit him and pressuring me but I'm not ready to part with him, I like to spend as much time as I can with him as he'll only be this age once. So when I'm saying they can have him for an hour eventually but not right now am I being spiteful? I let anyone who wants to see him come to the house and spend as much time as they want with him and we also take him to visit his family members but I'm being made to feel guilty and being told it's like them having supervised visits all because I'm there.

Not at all. That's your baby, these months are the time to bond.
It sounds like you aren't saying never, just not yet, which is absolutely fine

Do not give in to pressure, you will know when/if you are ready.

No. He is your baby. I really dislike people trying to take over peoples babies and find it quite rude. So rather than finding you selfish, I think them trying to pressure you is rude and overstepping. Your baby is not a doll for them to borrow.

Your baby only wants to be with you. It is literally no benefit to your baby to be looked after without you. If you don’t want to leave him then don’t. I barely left my DD1 until she was one and it’s set to be the same way with DD2. I do have to leave her sometimes but it’s because I need to, not to appease other people! Your family sound really weird to me.

It's selfish of them to want to take your baby when you're not ready to be away from him, and he's not ready to be away from you. It's selfish and entitled.

Keep saying no. I learnt on here that mothers must advocate for their young dc, it's in the children's interests to have a mother who can say NO to unreasonable requests or any requests that she's uncomfortable with. Your baby needs you to be protective and strong and say no to these ridiculous people. Even if you come across as rude.

Spiteful? Is that what they’re saying to you? That’s fucking awful.

You keep your baby with you as much as you want to for as long as you want, it’s completely normal and healthy and shows you’re well attached to each other.

You also don’t have to let people come over more than you want or stay longer than you want.

A big part of parenting is having boundaries and sticking up for yourself and your child, it gets easier the more you do it. Stick to your guns, you’re doing great.

No, I never parted with my babies for anyone else's benefit. You can do when you're ready, and only then.

Your baby needs you, no one else has a right to be alone with them without you and anyone wanting to part a mum and their tiny baby is not acting appropriately.

I had my first at 19
i went into labour on the Thursday,came out on the Sunday and my mother demanded to have her overnight on the monday
I told her it wasn’t happening-my baby,I’d just got out of hospital and was still breastfeeding
dd is now 26,I’m nc with my mother but it still gets back to me that I was (and still am) a selfish fucker for not just handing over my baby as her mates dd came out of the hospital and handed her newborn over to her mate and went clubbing!
that was her choice-but it’s wasn’t mine

sod em-when your ready,you’ll hand bubs over-not a minute before

You aren’t selfish at all. They are being selfish. Such a tiny baby is happiest with you.

Don't get why anybody would be desperate to have your baby on their own anyway. That is just weird. Anybody I know looking after babies on their own is because they have been asked to for a good reason. You do what's best you and baby.

Send these people to the closest bloody toy shop.
My mil bought a load of dresses she intended to dress dd up in when she had her at her home.. It never happened. Ils visited every week as it was. She saw dd every week. Sometimes twice. She wasn't having her to play bloody dollies with!
Tell them you waited 9 months to hold your dc why would you be in a hurry to hand her over?

You’re not selfish and it’s your baby so you can make whatever choice you feel comfortable with.

If it’s close family saying it, could it just be that you hover / correct them constantly when it comes to the baby? I have a cousin who was so snappy and patronising to her own mum that she was a nervous wreck around the baby when her daughter was there. Could you be behaving a certain way around them when the baby is present? I’m not saying you are… but it could be why they’d prefer to have the baby alone as they’d feel like they can enjoy the time a bit.

Don't feel the pressure to handover your baby if you don't want to. If you don't feel comfortable that's your choice.

They might think they are helping. They might think you would like some time to yourself? Or that you would like a break?

They probably just want to spend some time with the baby to build a bond which might feel tricky if you are watching over their shoulder.

Iv also got mum friends who ended up with very clingy babies because they were always with them. When it came to going to nursery they had big problems because they hadn't ever been away from mum.

Your baby is 4 months old! He can’t even sit up yet and the only person he really wants looking after him is his primary carer, i.e. you. What on earth do they want ‘unsupervised’ time with him for? You’re not being selfish at all, they are! I mean, sure, if you were wild eyed and stinky from not having showered for three weeks because he cries if put down and they were just trying to get you to let go and look after yourself for 15 minutes I’d think they might have a point. But it sounds like you’re just enjoying your baby in a perfectly normal and balanced way. They sound difficult.

Just say No ...and repeat..
Your new born baby needs and feels safe with you, l cannot believe these people, this is a baby not a toy.

You're instinct is to be with your baby. Baby will be happiest with you.
There's plenty of time for other people to see the baby and zero right for them to have time that excludes you.
I think I would ask what they would do without you there that's different?
Well bonded babies don't grow up to be clingy children.

Yanbu

I still resent feeling pressured into leaving my 4 monther so DP and I could go to a wedding (which I leaked all the way through and just wanted my baby with me at!) and that was nearly 16 years ago!

There is definitely no spite involved in any of this. You just want to be with your baby at the moment and you don't have to be looking to the future- you'll let them know when the time is right for babysitting.

Also wanted to add, I don't trust anyone who wants to have access to a child without the parents there. I don't care who they are. What do they want to with/to baby that they don't want you to know?

Trust your instincts. Keep saying no, you don't even need to give a reason. These unreasonable people aren't entitled to a reason. They don't need to UNDERSTAND your reasons. They just need to ACCEPT and RESPECT your boundaries.

If they say, but we don't understand why...? Just say, that's ok, I don't expect you to understand. I just need you to respect my wishes.

This. It's not about them, it's about what is best for your baby and that is to be with his mum.

Babies this small are supposed to be with their mums.

Both my DD and my DDIL have had babies and I wouldn't have dreamt of taking their babies when they were so small. I visited them and helped THEM as new mums - their babies needed them not me.

I have amazing relationships with my grand children and now they are older they stay over at mine all the time.

Tell them to back off.

Love this post. You sound like a wonderful grandmother and MiL.

Holly60
Spot on.

My dd is pregnant with her first, our first dgc.
I have told her I will be there to support her. But it is her baby, and is to parent her way. If she asks my opinion, she will get my opinion. But ultimately decisions are hers.
I want her to come to me if she needs me. I won't be demanding anything of her.
Surely that is what a grandmother should do? (Love and cuddles go without saying 😊).

Of course YANBU. I'd be tempted to turn it back on them, why are they so desperate to get you out of the way? In what way are they hoping to bond that they can't do if your in line of sight? Hopefully they'll realise how ridiculous they sound with talk of "supervised visits".

*you're, sorry