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Original poster

My husband is mean

27 replies

MamaJubba · 09/01/2023 01:46

I’ve just had a major row with my husband. He never spends time with our two children or take them anywhere. Our youngest son is in trouble a lot at school and they have a poor relationship. DH regularly calls the 12 Yr old a waste of space and that he has given up on him a long time ago. He is heartless, shows zero emphatic and clearly has no idea how to parent. He tells my younger son every day that he will amount to nothing and taunts me about how my son will never treat me well. Youngest DS does have issues but a lot of it stems from needing attention. His father never sits and plays with him or take him to the movies. He is constantly questioning why his father dislikes him so much. It’s upsetting often leading to angry outbursts. He is a bright boy but he is losing his self confidence.m day by day . I’ve booked an appointment to get my son assessed so he had the right support. I feel broken hearted and just want to leave him to protect my boys..

OP posts:
talkingmorenonsense · 09/01/2023 01:53

Yep, get your ducks in a row and leave. This man is damaging your children. So sorry for you and your kids. 💐

AutumnVibes · 09/01/2023 03:26

It sounds like you’ve made your decision you just need the support or courage to do it. I agree with you and the PP that for your children’s sake, you need to move them into a loving environment. Not easy, but the right thing. Good luck and I’m sorry you have to do this.

PleaseCleanTheWholeToilet · 09/01/2023 03:28

LEAVE !
Protect your children
He us ABUSING them!!

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Original poster
MamaJubba · 09/01/2023 04:25

Thank you for your replies . Yes - it’s such a hard decision aswe are so intertwined with family business and also my eldest son dotes on his father. DH seems to detest the younger one and will say cruel words at every opportunity. Making him cry every day. I truly believe he is on the autistic spectrum - undiagnosed and has childhood trauma of his own which he has not dealt with. I am not sure I can leave so easily so kids and I will try to spend the least time possible at home . He works long hours so we can avoid him. As soon as he comes through the door his mood and energy of the house changes. I am a positive person but his negativity is very much weighing us all down.

OP posts:
Intrepidescape · 09/01/2023 05:07

@MamaJubba why are you making excuses to stay and excuses for your child abuser husband?

So what if he was abused as a child? It doesn’t mean you should allow him to abuse your child.

HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 09/01/2023 05:25

Time to split.

AnyMucca · 09/01/2023 05:26

Jesus, poor kids.

autienotnaughty · 09/01/2023 05:44

Don't stay imagine what this is doing to your kids. They deserve better.

DontStopMeNow7 · 09/01/2023 05:49

I grew up in a home where I never received any praise or anything all that positive. Let me tell you, it had a very negative affect on my life and on me to this day. My sibling had the complete opposite experience. On top of that, your DH is being cruel and emotionally abusive. I hope you can get out OP.

Original poster
MamaJubba · 09/01/2023 07:26

DontStopMeNow7 · 09/01/2023 05:49

I grew up in a home where I never received any praise or anything all that positive. Let me tell you, it had a very negative affect on my life and on me to this day. My sibling had the complete opposite experience. On top of that, your DH is being cruel and emotionally abusive. I hope you can get out OP.

This is exactly my concern. DH treats each boy differently. I grew up in a loving and positive household. This is all alien to me and so find it hard to witness a person saying such cruel things to a young child. I confronted him this morning and I’ve told him I am leaving unless he starts to think twice about what he says to the children. I questioned how he expects a young child to feel when the person who should be protecting them starts to be verbally abusive. As I mentioned he does not have the EQ to parent adequately. I am
not making excuses for him but I can see how families get into a cycle of generational trauma. I am witnessing it first hand so need to plan my departure.

OP posts:
KnobbyKnobson · 09/01/2023 07:37

You're enabling his abuse of your son. You get one childhood and one chance to be brought up in a way that doesn't fill you with emotional trauma that scars you for the rest of your life. And you both took that away from him. Poor boy.

strawberrysummer23 · 09/01/2023 07:44

How is it a hard decision! He's abusing his child and you in the process ? You've laid it out plain and simple
So right by your son and show him love
He will grow up thinking this is normal
This isn't ok op

It's hard leaving ( speaking from experience) but staying will damage him further

Please seek support and leave

strawberrysummer23 · 09/01/2023 07:45

If you've told him you're leaving then you need to
Otherwise he will carry this abuse on and think it's ok when it's absolutely not x

SuperFly123 · 09/01/2023 07:50

This is horrendous. Leave now.

strawberrysummer23 · 09/01/2023 07:50

SuperFly123 · 09/01/2023 07:50

This is horrendous. Leave now.

THIS

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 09/01/2023 07:53

This is heartbreaking to read. I don't believe your youngest son needs assessing. He needs to be protected from his abusive father. Behaviour is communication.

Duckingella · 09/01/2023 07:56

It only takes one conversation with a teacher at school about the way your son is being treated by his dad and a social worker will be knocking at the door.Your son is being emotionally and verbally abused in his own home and it's affecting his well being.

Your relationship needs to end immediately and I'd suggest no contact with him for your 12 year old as he clearly cannot be trusted with him.

mellongoose · 09/01/2023 08:00

I get that it is a difficult process OP. What with the family business and finances etc, but your children really really need you to do this.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work and your children are learning that;

a) that is the way to be a father
b) you cannot/will not protect them from him
c) his words are true and that could lead to a self fulfilling prophecy (especially in your 12yo).

Please get them away from him for your sake and for theirs. Do you have any family/friends who can help?

bakewellbride · 09/01/2023 08:00

I grew up with this and my mother never left him. I never forgave her and we've been zero contact for a decade. You really need to leave.

Yes I turned my life around and things are good now but it took a lot of therapy and I was really traumatised/ damaged for a long time.

CallmeIT · 09/01/2023 08:01

He tells my younger son every day that he will amount to nothing and taunts me about how my son will never treat me well

He’s might be right about that. When your son looks back on his damaged childhood it might not be his ‘incapable’ father he blames, but the capable mother who failed to protect him when it was in her power to do so.

Like PPs I don’t know how you can contemplate staying given the damage this is already doing to your son. How do you see this getting better?

knittingaddict · 09/01/2023 08:07

My daughter left when her abusive husband started treating their eldest in a similar way. He was much younger than your son.

You need to leave NOW. To be honest it's long overdue and your son needed protection from his abusive father long ago.

Even your child who isn't the scapegoat will be damaged by the dynamics in your home. You won't just be helping the younger one.

Please get help to leave for the sake of your poor children. They need to know that you will protect them.

ItsFineImFine · 09/01/2023 08:14

@KnobbyKnobson really really well said thank you for saying this! I hope lots of people see this in the future and it hits them like it has me.

jackstini · 09/01/2023 08:23

Well done for telling him you are leaving
He won't change, so start looking into what you need to do

Get a one hour consultation with a solicitor and I would suggest that he leaves and you keep the children in the family home at least until the youngest is 18

SuperFly123 · 09/01/2023 08:24

Agree with PP, BOTH of your children are victims of his abuse and every day you remain in that house with him they will continue to suffer untold emotional and psychological damage as a result. Please seek support from family, friends, womens aid and get them away from him TODAY. Everything else can be resolved - finances, practicalities of where to live etc. but your childrens psychological wounds will take years to heal.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 09/01/2023 08:54

Well done for taking control @MamaJubba

The first thing you need to do is change the narrative in your head that he's "mean". That minimises the enormity. He's not mean, he is an abuser. Hold that at the forefront of your mind when things get hard.

There's no doubt it will be difficult to unravel finances etc but nothing is more important than your boys. They should not be suffering because of your H's problems.

Good luck and well done.