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Original poster

My ex has said something I just don’t know how to cope with anymore

47 replies

betweon · 07/01/2023 21:25

I’ve had quite a hard time with my ex since pregnancy. In summary, he became unrecognisable as I developed morning sickness, snide comments, not getting home when he said he would (by hours), drinking excessively, being rude about my family, the list goes on. I snapped one day and to be honest I shouted the house down, called him names. I’m not proud of it and I apologised sincerely afterwards and tried to explain to him that I wasn’t coping with his behaviour. However he broke up with me on the back of this argument and promptly instructed a solicitor to say he wanted to be on the birth certificate and to set up a payment plan for a contribution towards the child’s upkeep. They then asked me to do a dna test before the baby was born. This was a blood test for me. I agreed to it if he could explain why he wanted a test. The solicitor did not respond to this and then a few weeks later another letter arrived saying he now didn’t want to be on the birth certificate and didn’t want to hear about the baby. I was upset and text him asking why he kept changing his mind and he replied to say if I contacted him again about my baby then he would tell the authorised that I was stalking him. I didn’t speak to him after this and made a claim via cms when she was born, where the dna test was done. I’ve recently tried to contact him again to say thanks for the maintenance payments and would he like to see his daughter. I then got a text from his friend saying he did not want to hear from me and he can’t see his daughter because he can’t be around me given how ‘nasty and crazy’ I was in pregnancy.

I spent the last few weeks of my pregnancy apologising to him for the row. I offered to drive his daughter to him. I offered a much much lower payment plan than cms have put in place. I said I would accommodate his preferences if he wanted to see his daughter alone.

I feel so horrendous that it’s on me he’s not seeing her. I grew up without my dad and it affected me. I’m distraught this could happen to her too and it’s all on me. What else could I do?

OP posts:
Caterpillar1990 · 07/01/2023 21:28

What did you say to him during the argument?

Opine · 07/01/2023 21:30

It’s definitely not you. It’s him. One argument wouldn’t stop any decent, normal person from being involved in their child’s life.
Who knows why, it may come out later down the line, but he was looking for an exit a long time ago.

Im really sorry for you and your DD, it must be awful, but I wouldn’t want him around my child. He sounds unhinged.

MelchiorsMistress · 07/01/2023 21:30

It is not on you that he’s not seeing her, he’s just using your shouting as an excuse.

Stop contacting him, he doesn’t want to hear from you and you can’t force him. Your dd will be better off without someone like him in her life.

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Original poster
betweon · 07/01/2023 21:32

@Caterpillar1990 it was so long ago I honestly don’t remember the details but I swore at him, said he was treating me terribly and what would his family think if they knew, told him I needed to talk to someone about his behaviour as it was impacting my mental health. Those sorts of comments. I was extremely upset and crying hysterically. He never coped well with strong emotion and I think he was taken aback by how I just flipped. I’m usually very patient but I just had had enough. I wish I hadn’t said any of it given what he’s now done since.

OP posts:
ItWasDobbinAtTheMareAndSpare · 07/01/2023 21:34

Caterpillar1990 · 07/01/2023 21:28

What did you say to him during the argument?

Nothing that could ever excuse him not seeing his daughter.

girlmom21 · 07/01/2023 21:34

He doesn't want to be a father. It's not about you. He's just a piece of shit. Stop trying.

lookslikeabombhitit · 07/01/2023 21:35

Honestly he doesn't sound like someone I'd want to facilitate spending time with any of my children! It's not your decision or your fault. I can't think of a single thing I could say to my oh in an argument that would result in him deciding to not see his children.

I didn't have any contact with my birth father for years and it was bloody glorious. He crept back in, showed me how awful he was and I have absolutely no relationship with him whatsoever. DNA doesn't make a dad. X

Schlafen · 07/01/2023 21:35

It's not on you. He's obviously just using that as an excuse. No matter how unacceptable you got during the argument it would be a reason to not see you anymore but what's it got to do with his daughter? He isn't taking responsibility for his child and letting her down. I don't know how heat you should proceed but please know that it's not your fault.

Original poster
betweon · 07/01/2023 21:35

@girlmom21 why on earth did he have a baby with me then :( wish he has said this before

OP posts:
limoncelloo · 07/01/2023 21:36

How many times are you going to post this same story? I feel for you but you get the same advice every time.

girlmom21 · 07/01/2023 21:37

betweon · 07/01/2023 21:35

@girlmom21 why on earth did he have a baby with me then :( wish he has said this before

I'm guessing because he expected to be able to carry on doing whatever he wanted while having you there when he was ready to come home. He didn't expect you to stand up for yourself presumably.

Original poster
betweon · 07/01/2023 21:37

lookslikeabombhitit · 07/01/2023 21:35

Honestly he doesn't sound like someone I'd want to facilitate spending time with any of my children! It's not your decision or your fault. I can't think of a single thing I could say to my oh in an argument that would result in him deciding to not see his children.

I didn't have any contact with my birth father for years and it was bloody glorious. He crept back in, showed me how awful he was and I have absolutely no relationship with him whatsoever. DNA doesn't make a dad. X

@lookslikeabombhitit @girlmom21 he was never ever like this before pregnancy. That’s why I feel it’s on me. I found pregnancy hard and was anxious a lot.

OP posts:
Jellycats4life · 07/01/2023 21:38

Walk away. He’s not interested. But he wants to manipulate you into believing it’s all your fault.

Looks like he’s doing you a favour.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/01/2023 21:38

Reality hit he doesn’t want to be a father- it’s not on you in anyway, he’s trying to turn it around to ease any future guilt- it’s bs!

redyellowbluepink · 07/01/2023 21:39

Yepp I agree with the others he doesn't want to be a father it's nothing to do with you, chin up ❤️

RedRobyn2021 · 07/01/2023 21:40

You can't control what other people do. Your daughter sounds better off without him.

I have never met my father and I'm fine. Was your father in and out of your life as a child? Just wondering if maybe this is why you feel so strongly.

girlmom21 · 07/01/2023 21:42

@betweon his behaviour changed too. It's not just on you

It's shit that it didn't work out but you can't change how he is now. Don't accept less than the CMS recommended payment. Don't contact him.

sjxoxo · 07/01/2023 21:44

I don’t think it matters what you said - this is entirely on him and NOT you. He is selfish and immature and not good enough for you or your daughter. I don’t care if he thinks you’re the devil - HE has still chosen to not see his daughter. The two things are unrelated and you’ve had a lucky escape from a man who is selfish and manipulative. Please do not carry this burden; it’s entirely his. I think your daughter is better off without him. Best of luck to you xxxxx

FairyBatman · 07/01/2023 21:44

He is using the argument as an excuse to get out of his responsibilities. It’s not your fault, he was looking for a reason to flounce.

The bigger question is why are you pursuing him now? Why do you feel the need to insist on a relationship that he’s clear he doesn’t want, you’re even going as far as offering to give away the money that your child is entitled to.

This man dumped both you and your child whilst you were pregnant, why are you begging him instead of being angry with him?

PineappleBrazilNutsandMaccasFries · 07/01/2023 21:45

He sounds like a shit. It's not you. Don't offer or accept lower CMS payments. Look after yourself and your DD but don't bother with him. If he wants to see her he needs to do the running. Having a dad in and out of her life, who treats you like shit, sees her as a burden, resents the money he has to pay, will be far more damaging than being brought up without him.

MargaritMargo · 07/01/2023 21:48

Have you heard the word scapegoat OP? It’s when you blame someone for something they actually didn’t do, in order to avoid taking responsibility yourself.

There’s nothing in this world that someone could say or do to me that would stop me from seeing my children.

What about you? Is there something that would stop you seeing your daughter?

Of course not!

Don’t be so daft OP! Sorry to be blunt but he’s done a number on you!

People do what they want to do, if he wanted to see her, he would. End of discussion.

I would leave it for the time being OP. You’re not stopping him seeing his child, he’s choosing not to but he’s using you as a scapegoat.

Head down, crack on, look after your DC, leave the door open for future contact, don’t contact him or his friends again

Bemyclementine · 07/01/2023 21:49

Hes made himself clear many times, you can't force him to have a relationship with you or his daughter. I'm not sure posting here is helping you. You really need to try and focus on building your life with your daughter, without him in it. Leave him to it.

PeekAtYou · 07/01/2023 21:49

Stop contacting him and begging him to see his dd. Take his money and raise her.
He doesn't want to be involved and your EOW provides a convenient excuse for him. Your dd can be happy without a father in her life. A dad who she doesn't know is better than a dad who did what he did and could flip again.
Leave him alone and accept his decision. You can't change his mind

lookslikeabombhitit · 07/01/2023 21:49

@betweon you do know that pregnancy can be a huge trigger for abusive behaviour from men right? Even those who have not been abusive beforehand.

Cut your losses, take the maintenance (it's for your daughter!) and stop contacting him. He's not worth your time and he's certainly not father material for your daughter.

Original poster
betweon · 07/01/2023 21:52

Thanks everyone. I just feel so guilty. He was never like this before. I wish I had been more patient and understanding as to his needs rather than just thinking of myself, which is what I did when pregnant

OP posts: