My ex has said something I just don’t know how to cope with anymore

[betweon]

I’ve had quite a hard time with my ex since pregnancy. In summary, he became unrecognisable as I developed morning sickness, snide comments, not getting home when he said he would (by hours), drinking excessively, being rude about my family, the list goes on. I snapped one day and to be honest I shouted the house down, called him names. I’m not proud of it and I apologised sincerely afterwards and tried to explain to him that I wasn’t coping with his behaviour. However he broke up with me on the back of this argument and promptly instructed a solicitor to say he wanted to be on the birth certificate and to set up a payment plan for a contribution towards the child’s upkeep. They then asked me to do a dna test before the baby was born. This was a blood test for me. I agreed to it if he could explain why he wanted a test. The solicitor did not respond to this and then a few weeks later another letter arrived saying he now didn’t want to be on the birth certificate and didn’t want to hear about the baby. I was upset and text him asking why he kept changing his mind and he replied to say if I contacted him again about my baby then he would tell the authorised that I was stalking him. I didn’t speak to him after this and made a claim via cms when she was born, where the dna test was done. I’ve recently tried to contact him again to say thanks for the maintenance payments and would he like to see his daughter. I then got a text from his friend saying he did not want to hear from me and he can’t see his daughter because he can’t be around me given how ‘nasty and crazy’ I was in pregnancy.

I spent the last few weeks of my pregnancy apologising to him for the row. I offered to drive his daughter to him. I offered a much much lower payment plan than cms have put in place. I said I would accommodate his preferences if he wanted to see his daughter alone.

I feel so horrendous that it’s on me he’s not seeing her. I grew up without my dad and it affected me. I’m distraught this could happen to her too and it’s all on me. What else could I do?

Stop contacting him he's clearly not interested. If he changes his mind then he's already shown that he has the ability to arrange a solicitor and therefore mediation if he wants.
Don't offer to take less maintenance to try and appease him. The money is not for you it's for your daughter and she deserves the full amount.

He did this on purpose, he treated you in a way he knew was unacceptable and he waited for the argument to come because he knew it would, and then he used that argument as the excuse to leave you and opt out of being a Dad.

He may have planned and wanted this baby, but when the reality hit he changed his mind and this happens more often that you’d think.

You have done nothing wrong, he STILL would have left even if you hadn’t had that argument and the outcome would be the same. If he wanted to be a Dad to your child he would be, there are plenty of options for him to be involved without seeing you, he knows this and you’ve offered this, he’s not taking it up because it’s just not what he wants.

I know this is sad for you and for your child but honestly just leave him be, it’s much better for your child to have an absent father than a reluctant one. Maybe he will change his mind in the future or maybe he won’t but at least he has been clear and he isn’t ducking in and out of your lives and constantly changing the goal posts and confusing your child.

He's emotionally retarded.
Good riddance.

Please don't take this as a criticism but you have posted multiple times about this man and the situation you found yourself in.
It must have been and still must be deeply troubling to you, understandably so.
But you will get nothing further from here than the same, supportive replies you already have done.
Maybe consider therapy to talk this through with someone who will help guide you through these emotions and feelings of hurt, betrayal, self admonition, confusion and so on. Someone who can redirect your thinking so that you can focus on the little one you now have and not have the early memories overshadowed by the sentiments that you could have, should have, would have done things differently if you could.
You cannot control his responses, only your own.

In the nicest possible way, you need to let go of the past.

He doesn’t want to see your daughter and you can’t change that. You can change the past.

Focus on what’s in your control.

Regardless of what you said to him, it should not impact his desire to see his child, don’t take on this responsibility and guilt it’s his problem and sounds like you are both better off with him not involved. One argument is rarely enough to end a solid relationship so he’s taking the coward way out and obviously painting you in a and light to to his friends. Stay away and move on with you life with your daughter. Good luck!

You need to move on.

Stop questioning why he wasnt like this before. Hes like this now.

You're both better off away from him.

Stop trying to contact him.

Just leave him alone.

He knows you have a baby, he knows how to contact you, if he wants to see or speak to you or the baby then he will.

You can’t force him to be a part of yours or your baby’s life unfortunately.

It's not you, it's him.

He's a twunt, and twunt's need someone to blame their twunterry on.

The best thing you can do for yourself is work on walking away.
He doesn't want to be involved and if he was involved di can guarantee you that he would be a nightmare.
Get some counciling (minds matters if in the UK) and work on yourself.
This is the best thing you can do for you and your daughter.

He's an abuser. This is NOT on you. A heated argument does not warrants walking away.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. When I found out I was pregnant my (now ex) partner was initially really happy, then accused me of having an affair, being in a porn film (totally weird and bizarre) and drunk excessively. We argued a lot during my pregnancy and things got even worse after the baby was born. As he became more and more dependent on drink (ten pints a night whilst I was looking after a newborn) I got more and more angry. I said some horrible things to him, but he equally said some horrible stuff to me and even became physical. The best thing to happen is that you're not together. I know it's hard bringing up your baby alone, but trust me it is even harder bringing up a baby and having to deal with an awful ex.

Women's minds and bodies go through so much during pregnancy and childbirth and after. You need love, support and kindness, not this man child. Pour your energy into your child and not him. Sounds like he has his own issues going on.

The problem is OP that YOU wanted a baby and he didn't.

I am assuming (and please correct me if I'm wrong ) that this type of thing happens when pregnancy is unplanned.. the man has (quite rightly) got no say in continuing a pregnancy. He only has responsibilities to financially support - which it seems he is doing.

Many men in this situation feel they should do the 'right thing' and stay . Hoping to grow in to the idea. However, for many it's not possible and their resentment at what they feel is 'being trapped' grows and grows and before long will look for a way out. Some before baby arrives and some after .

The guilt they feel at behaving so terribly towards you and the baby means they will look for external blame ... and your row is that hook he has used. It's cruel and cowardly . He simply doesn't have the guts to own it.!

However it simply isn't true that 'your behaviour caused this' ...

He doesn't want domesticity and a child . That's not your 'fault' . It's simply the way it is.

You will honestly find it hugely beneficial to have some counselling to talk all this through.. and understand that this is not your fault.

Hey it's not you it's him!! It was his get out claus.

You can't make him
Do anything and you shouldn't want to either I would never make my child's dad do something he didn't want to pure and simply because I wouldn't put my daughter somewhere she wasn't wanted in the first place.

He sounds abusive and horrid and that's it.

I'm on an off period with my child's dad right now I've been with him every day this week but we live apart and as soon as he has his other child he hasn't seen our daughter in 3 days it drives me up the wall and earlier on I sat there and I thought I wish I could just take her there knock the door hand her over and run away and tell him to deal with it but then it wouldn't be fair on her so please just do what's right for your child and let the people that want to be there to be there. Xxxxx

I’ve met my Dad once that I can remember (he walked out when I was a baby).

I don’t feel it’s had any negative effects on me at all - try not to assume because it had a negative impact on you, it will have a negative impact on your DC.

I was just thinking I'm sure I've read this already. Is this the ex who pays a grand a month CM?

Seriously OP, just concentrate on being a mam and forget about the daft twat. It's his loss.

You have been fair, open, honest. You’ve offered him far more in the way of help to make seeing his child easy. He’s not interested, not dad material. It’s his loss, he’s a fool. Take his maintenance money. Take screenshots of your attempts to help him, of his replies, keep the letters from the solicitor. Know you did what you could. Then concentrate on yourself and your baby, and try and appreciate that your life, and baby’s, will be less difficult without him around.

snide comments, not getting home when he said he would (by hours), drinking excessively, being rude about my family, the list goes on.

What bits if this behaviour do you wish you were still putting up with?

Pregnancy is hard. On the person who is pregnant. Decent men are loving, understanding and supportive to their pregnant partners. You were doing your job, being pregnant. It wasn’t your job to be patient while he acted with a total disregard and disrespect towards you and your family.

Please stop sending him begging messages, and for heaven’s sake don’t try and bribe him by offering to reduce his maintenance payments.

Enjoy your wonderful baby, be a great mum and be relieved that this horrible man is not looming over every parenting decision and experience you have,

Stop apologising. Stop abasing yourself. Get some self-respect. Focus on being a good parent.

1. you can post as many times as you like…. It’s good you are seeking support / discussing
2. It’s not your fault you feel rubbish about yourself
3. he is abusive
4. seek professional help from women’s aid
5. Apply for the correct amount of child maintenance … you nor the baby should be doing him a ‘ financial favour ‘
6. that is your child’s money that you are legally entitled to claim for her
7. get yourself really established with a trusted support network
8. i wish you lots of positive times ahead

@Atadconfussed thank you, I’m going to make a mental note of this list!

and thanks to others who have also been kind. I’ve found this incredibly hard and his up and down approach to our daughter, then saying he doesn’t want to know her because of me… it’s hard not to question myself. I guess that’s just an excuse like posters have pointed out, as many men, no matter what, wouldn’t ever abandon their child. It’s just him. And he’s never apologised to me once for his behaviour, yet I spent many weeks telling him how sorry I was for losing my temper. I don’t know how someone can cling onto such nastiness, it’s just not my way, I find it awful to be part of and just want to be civil.

He's abusive. You and the baby are better off without him.

Man treats woman like shit

woman points this out

man acts like injured party and uses it to hit her round the head with forever 🤷🏻‍♀️